Bananas44

I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't drank either. It's been 68 days. I have been letting my av talk to me lately. It's dying to test out drinking in moderation. I feel like I'm living in fear of that possibility of relapse. Kind of like an undefeated sports team who lives in fear of that 1 loss, but once they lose, the fear is gone and they go back to winning. I don't know what I'm gonna do or if I ever will try it. I feel a little lost right now and maybe I'm trying to make excuses to grab onto something familiar. Anyway I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening.

ReadyAtLast

P!ease don't throw your sobriety away. going back to day 1 is no fun and much harder next time. Your post is pure av trying to convince you to drink. I drak after three years and now back to early days. I , as you, knew I was struggling but ignored it. I wish I had reached out here and stepped up my recovery plan. Get support,here or face to face, do something different.

Dee74

maybe making a plan is even better than talking Bananas?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

There's nothing inevitable about relapse at all.

If you don't want to drink - and you're willing to do whatever it takes to be sober - you won't drink

I used to drink everyday all day - in a few weeks I'll be ten years sober.
I say that not to blow my own horn, but to let you know it can be done.

You have cut off that inner voice tho.

Any idea that a drink is a good idea is a lie.

D

Unwound

Search for threads here with moderation and you will see it does not seem to work,. 68 days is good I am not far off that and I would hate to go back to the way they things were don't lose all your progress for a doomed "experiment". People like us just can't drink normally, ever.

Ariesagain

One thing is for absolute certain...if you drink, you will NOT "go back to winning."

I have never, ever awakened in the morning and thought, "I'm so glad I drank last night," no matter how little.

Why would you open the door?

Please don't do this to yourself.

Michael66

I had nearly four years sober and thought a moderate couple of beers was a nice idea. It took me the best part of a year to get out of that hole that I fell into.

STDragon

good on you for posting bananas, it's been about 6 hours now for you. How are you doing? let us know....

Maudcat

Don't drink today. Breathe, go for a walk. I used to visualize my AV as a small beast with claws and teeth. I donned heavy gloves and put the beast back in its box., closed the lid and walked away. My beast would go to sleep. Weird, but it helped to visualize. Peace.

HTown

Congratulations on 68 days! That is awesome. Do you feel better? Sounds like you do, so why not try out a few drinks? Please don't. Don't fall for it. There is nothing to be gained by drinking. It won't make you feel better, in fact, it will add shame and guilt to your life. Why go down that path. Stay strong and add pride in yourself and self-love to your life instead! You got this!

wpainterw

You say your AV is "dying to test out drinking in moderation." I'll bet it is. Mine did and did a lot of "testing" over 13 or more years. Until it got so bad that I was about to discover that when it comes to dying, it makes no sense to test out "dying in moderation". Dying doesn't work that way. No one says, "Just a little bit of dying won't really do any harm!" Once you're underground it's hard to get to a liquor store and the stores don't really deliver in those places.

W.

entropy1964

I understand the idea of the AV...and I can relate. I sense from your post however that your 'AV' is being used as a reason to test out drinking again. As I see it, and this is just my view, my addiction always wants to drink. And if I'm honest it doesn't want moderation. The trick for me is accepting that I am powerless over alcohol. Period. Take it off the table. Tell your 'AV' (which is you btw) NO way. Then take action toward staying sober today. Whatever it takes.

Good on ya for posting about it.

thomas11

I can understand your curiosity and wanting to test it out, but like frick said, moderation is not for alcoholics. We don't want moderation, we want to drink as much as we want, free of consequences and that's not possible.

Delilah1

Hi Bananas,

I'm so glad you posted. I made the mistake of attempting to moderate in the past, and found myself right back to daily drinking. Posting here regularly has been my greatest support, what have you been doing for recovery for the past 68 days?

Keep posting here instead of picking up, you don't want to find yourself back at Day one again, it is sometimes really difficult to find your way back to sobriety.

Do you have a plan for today?

wpainterw

When I was young I used to go fishing a lot. Perhaps fishing might be a good metaphor for what is going on. My AV is the fisherman (In that sense "I" am the fisherman). And I am also the fish. My AV fisherman uses Moderation as bait. Its plan then is that the fish (me in what is left of my cerebral cortex) will grab the bait. Moderation may work for a little while but the fish gobbles up more and more bait. This is what the AV hopes for since it wants increasing helpings of fish (this fish is peculiar since the fisherman can bite off a chunk, throw the fish back in the pond and catch it again, biting off an even bigger chunk. As time goes on the fish withers away and eventually dies, ending up in a fish graveyard.)
What to do? Get this fish to wise up. Seek the company of other besieged fish! Get control of this crazy self obsessed fisherman and put him in the slammer, under strict control. No more moderation! If you're a Daoist, read the story of the "Happy Fish" in the Inner Chapters of the iChing. Don't fall for the "moderation" bait. Be sober! Be happy!

W.

Sparkos

Your AV is NOT you.
It is of you and IT is trying to use your intellect against YOU by using a false analogy of a winning sport team.
YOU know it's BS. Don't entertain IT with debate. IT is wrong. YOU know ITS tricks. Recognise this latest trick for what it is.
Thanks for the post. I hope my interpretation of your beast is correct.
I also keep mine in its cage.

wpainterw

I beg to differ. My AV resides in the more primitive part of my brain. It is not some entity (like the Devil) residing apart from me. Science teaches us that there is a primitive part of the brain and that this is the seat of many emotions, some helpful in emergency and some unhelpful. As addiction progresses this primitive area overshadows and assumes greater control of the cerebral cortex. In the early Renaissance the Copernicans called Galileo's ideas BS. I suppose that there are some who still believe in the Flat Earth or that the Sun goes around the earth and certainly it is their prerogative to do so. The main thing is not to drink. I still rather like my sporting analogy and it's not driving me to drink. My AV is not being "entertained". Not at all. Sorry not to have been more helpful.

W.

Sparkos

Sorry if I've hurt your sensibilities. I must admit I didn't expect such a strong admonishment. Methinks thou dost etc.
I was simply saying that "You" in this context was the cognitive "you", and that "IT" was the primeval drive. Don't let semantics cloud a thoughtful piece of advice.

Sparkos

I think I see what's happened here. My post was not directed towards you, W. It was advice to the OP.
Must admit I was surprised by your vitriol, your posts are normally well thought out and supportive. My apologies for my response.
Silly really of how simple misunderstandings can affect a recovering newcomer. (I'm talking about me, of course)

Dee74

Hows it going Bananas?

D

wpainterw

My dear fellow! My apologies for what may have seemed "vitriol". Reminds me of one of my favorite poems by a countryman of yours, and a great favorite of mine. Dylan Thomas. I am now about to be 90 years of age and some might say that it is time for me to "Rage, rage, etc." Actually it was not his father being told to rage about impending death but rather about impending blindness (like Milton). I had the great privilege of hearing Thomas recite his poetry back in 1951, just before he died. He read this poem as well as several other of my favorites, like Fern Hill and A Child's Christmas in Wales. He was not noticeably drunk and all would agree that he had a beautiful and totally Addictive Voice!
I am so fond of the Welsh, and of the Scots and the Irish. My family is part Scots-Irish, a volatile mixture, particularly when combined with a modicum of German from my mother's side of the family.
Thin skinned and senile. I am sorry if my post was lacking in support to a recovering newcomer and send you my very best wishes for continued progress. And I shall make a point of thinking out my future posts more carefully! Rage, rage about impending senility! (But maybe dementia will be an adventcha!)

Bill.