44 days and thought I could drink in moderation! Wrong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 16
44 days and thought I could drink in moderation! Wrong!
Hello All!
This is my first post, however been reading the forum for many months. Normally after a regrettable bender. Still, it wasn't enough and I went and done it again, most of the time harder.
Anyway, a weekend in Ireland after a 4 day bender in Barcelona was the final straw and I knew I had to stop. This was 13th December 2016.
44 days later and more psychological than physical withdrawals, I was feeling great. So great that I stupidly thought Amsterdam was a good place to go see my friend, sober of course. WTF! Who goes to Amsterdam in the first 3 months of sobriety?! Actually who goes to Amsterdam who is an alcoholic and previous drug addict, period??
Anyway, I thought a few pints wouldn't hurt and I could control myself. Famous last words, 3 days on the **** with Coke coming to the table, literally! Felt like death, severe anxiety and self hatred. Im now on Day 6 but I cant shake the guilt and replay the sober day I should be on! 56 I would have been on!
How the hell do I let go of this? Im confident ill stay off the booze but I cant shake this mind bending guilt!
This is my first post, however been reading the forum for many months. Normally after a regrettable bender. Still, it wasn't enough and I went and done it again, most of the time harder.
Anyway, a weekend in Ireland after a 4 day bender in Barcelona was the final straw and I knew I had to stop. This was 13th December 2016.
44 days later and more psychological than physical withdrawals, I was feeling great. So great that I stupidly thought Amsterdam was a good place to go see my friend, sober of course. WTF! Who goes to Amsterdam in the first 3 months of sobriety?! Actually who goes to Amsterdam who is an alcoholic and previous drug addict, period??
Anyway, I thought a few pints wouldn't hurt and I could control myself. Famous last words, 3 days on the **** with Coke coming to the table, literally! Felt like death, severe anxiety and self hatred. Im now on Day 6 but I cant shake the guilt and replay the sober day I should be on! 56 I would have been on!
How the hell do I let go of this? Im confident ill stay off the booze but I cant shake this mind bending guilt!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, it's a lesson, and should be viewed as one. Many of us felt strong and good after a period of sobriety and that we could drink again.
We can't.
Just move forward. Accept that drinking is not in the cards for you. Form a plan. Don't drink today. Acceptance is key.
We can't.
Just move forward. Accept that drinking is not in the cards for you. Form a plan. Don't drink today. Acceptance is key.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 130
It happened and at least you made it back quickly and realised you messed up, some people go out and don't come back for months, years or at all. Stop beating yourself up, put down that big lump of guilt and just take it as the lesson it is: people like us just can't go back to drinking normally, ever. 6 days is better than 0 days your doing ok, keep going.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Shame and guilt are wasted emotions, especially if we don't do anything to change that shame inducing and guilt ridden behaviour.
Try to think of it as a lesson in acceptance. You is what you am as Frank Zappa used to say.
Next time you feel your inner addict telling you can surely handle a drink now, remember this time
D
Try to think of it as a lesson in acceptance. You is what you am as Frank Zappa used to say.
Next time you feel your inner addict telling you can surely handle a drink now, remember this time
D
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
The sober day i should be on ?
blimey ! i'd be at about 17 years sober now ...
my learning took 10 years from me , you 3 days .
Stick with sobriety don't let addiction steal any more life from you, thats what i learned .
Bestwishes, m
blimey ! i'd be at about 17 years sober now ...
my learning took 10 years from me , you 3 days .
Stick with sobriety don't let addiction steal any more life from you, thats what i learned .
Bestwishes, m
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you made it back.
What Dee said.
And, what were you doing during those 44 days? AA, another program? I have found that I need a plan of action- mine is a very hard worked AA program- every day. I feel strong, good, and confident in my sobriety....as long as I stay centered and spiritually fit first, always accepting that the one thing I absolutely cannot do is drink.
You can choose to make this your last start. I hope you do.
What Dee said.
And, what were you doing during those 44 days? AA, another program? I have found that I need a plan of action- mine is a very hard worked AA program- every day. I feel strong, good, and confident in my sobriety....as long as I stay centered and spiritually fit first, always accepting that the one thing I absolutely cannot do is drink.
You can choose to make this your last start. I hope you do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
You're right where you're supposed to be. Make it a lesson and move forward. Beating yourself up is really just being all wound up in yourself.....just kind of in the inverse. Maybe help another person.....might get you thinking less . Good job on day 6
. Good job on day 6
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Amsterdam is hard for sober pirates.
I'm coming up on Mardi Gras here (my last years relapse), & am scared.
There are certain places & celebrations in our world which reflect loosened boundaries & decadence.
Still. I love to dance. I love to costume. I love the visual & constant parade of human exuberance!
Will that be enough? Why would I choose inebriation to enhance my experience? Wouldn't it all be more fully felt sober & aware?
Stay tuned! Why do I only have a single go-to for celebration? I want to move in a world of joy, & I know that only has to do with me.
We are all trying to figure this out...
I'm coming up on Mardi Gras here (my last years relapse), & am scared.
There are certain places & celebrations in our world which reflect loosened boundaries & decadence.
Still. I love to dance. I love to costume. I love the visual & constant parade of human exuberance!
Will that be enough? Why would I choose inebriation to enhance my experience? Wouldn't it all be more fully felt sober & aware?
Stay tuned! Why do I only have a single go-to for celebration? I want to move in a world of joy, & I know that only has to do with me.
We are all trying to figure this out...
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
I think very many of us have been down that 'I could just have a couple' route. I had nearly four years of sobriety and gave in to that way of thinking. It took me the best part of a year to re-accept I can never drank anything.
Ah, and Amsterdam. Yes - I think if we are really serious about our sobriety then it must start by avoiding any place that has temptation until we are totally and absolutely sure of ourselves. Just as we'd do anything to get a drink before, we now have to do anything to not drink. Sadly any friends who get in the way of out sobriety (intentionally or otherwise) have to be gently let go of. It may be best to explain to your friend in Amsterdam that you just can't keep up the friendship; it's too dangerous a place for alcoholics, drug or sex addicts.
But well done for getting back on the wagon!
Ah, and Amsterdam. Yes - I think if we are really serious about our sobriety then it must start by avoiding any place that has temptation until we are totally and absolutely sure of ourselves. Just as we'd do anything to get a drink before, we now have to do anything to not drink. Sadly any friends who get in the way of out sobriety (intentionally or otherwise) have to be gently let go of. It may be best to explain to your friend in Amsterdam that you just can't keep up the friendship; it's too dangerous a place for alcoholics, drug or sex addicts.
But well done for getting back on the wagon!
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Welcome to SR MrReality
For sure, a newly sober person in Amsterdam sounds like the perfect storm. Maybe only Vegas could be worse! As others have said, its best to try to avoid these situations early on, unless of course you have a watertight plan (there's also no joy in just staying in the house constantly).
Great job on day 6. Maybe mark this down as a lesson learned?
For sure, a newly sober person in Amsterdam sounds like the perfect storm. Maybe only Vegas could be worse! As others have said, its best to try to avoid these situations early on, unless of course you have a watertight plan (there's also no joy in just staying in the house constantly).
Great job on day 6. Maybe mark this down as a lesson learned?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Originally Posted by MrReality35 
Hello All!
This is my first post, however been reading the forum for many months. Normally after a regrettable bender. Still, it wasn't enough and I went and done it again, most of the time harder.
Who goes to Amsterdam in the first 3 months of sobriety?! Actually who goes to Amsterdam who is an alcoholic and previous drug addict, period??
This is my first post, however been reading the forum for many months. Normally after a regrettable bender. Still, it wasn't enough and I went and done it again, most of the time harder.
Who goes to Amsterdam in the first 3 months of sobriety?! Actually who goes to Amsterdam who is an alcoholic and previous drug addict, period??
It gets harder each time we do this , I know Ive been there too many times . I went to Amsterdam in my first 3 Months of sobriety against advice from many on here but I got through it sober although I was grouchy at times to say the least .
There is as many pubs and clubs and off licences in Edinburgh ,Glasgow, Paris or New York . I don't think it matters a Dam where you go , you will find drink all around you.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 1,501
Thanks for posting Reality. No guilt is needed here it is all a learning experience. Unfortunately many of us, including me, have learned that the hard way.
All we can do is strive to not make the same mistake again and move forward.
All we can do is strive to not make the same mistake again and move forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Thanks guys. I appreciate the responses.
I've kind of got my well being feeling back and slowly letting go of the guilt. I have kind of stayed in a lot since I started the initial 44 days. I haven't gone to AA, though I have been before, 5 years ago while going through cocaine addiction. I look back and think booze was the biggest problem, and the gateway drug. I couldn't think of anything worse to take drugs dry! But i can always drink myself to sleep and wake up and get straight back on it.
Anyway, I’m moving to Spain Monday and Ive checked for meetings there. I feel like going there could be the best move, fresh start and I can be honest with people that I don’t drink form the off shot and surround myself around people who are not going to be the triggers back into the madness! Its hard letting go of old friends and my old life, being the life and soul , always up for a party and the first to be chatting the girls up etc…(all dutch courage probably obviously!) But I think I have it in me to do this sober, once I get my head straight and build confidence as a sober man. I hope so anyway! haha
My background is drank in the park since 13 and then had heavy drug use in my late teens and always drank to excess, Im 36 now. Both longterm serious girlfriends left me because of booze, yet I genuinely didn't think I had to stop probably until about a year ago, but failed every time. Could do a month and stints like that, but that can be done and the false sense of security comes, like what happened last weekend. Difference is, when I tried I previously I didn’t want to stop. I do now, hence why I think the relapse got to me so much with the guilt.
Anyway, its good to be on here and finally break my silence!
Day 7 nearly completed…..
I've kind of got my well being feeling back and slowly letting go of the guilt. I have kind of stayed in a lot since I started the initial 44 days. I haven't gone to AA, though I have been before, 5 years ago while going through cocaine addiction. I look back and think booze was the biggest problem, and the gateway drug. I couldn't think of anything worse to take drugs dry! But i can always drink myself to sleep and wake up and get straight back on it.
Anyway, I’m moving to Spain Monday and Ive checked for meetings there. I feel like going there could be the best move, fresh start and I can be honest with people that I don’t drink form the off shot and surround myself around people who are not going to be the triggers back into the madness! Its hard letting go of old friends and my old life, being the life and soul , always up for a party and the first to be chatting the girls up etc…(all dutch courage probably obviously!) But I think I have it in me to do this sober, once I get my head straight and build confidence as a sober man. I hope so anyway! haha
My background is drank in the park since 13 and then had heavy drug use in my late teens and always drank to excess, Im 36 now. Both longterm serious girlfriends left me because of booze, yet I genuinely didn't think I had to stop probably until about a year ago, but failed every time. Could do a month and stints like that, but that can be done and the false sense of security comes, like what happened last weekend. Difference is, when I tried I previously I didn’t want to stop. I do now, hence why I think the relapse got to me so much with the guilt.
Anyway, its good to be on here and finally break my silence!
Day 7 nearly completed…..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Originally Posted by MrReality35
Hello All!
This is my first post, however been reading the forum for many months. Normally after a regrettable bender. Still, it wasn't enough and I went and done it again, most of the time harder.
Anyway, a weekend in Ireland after a 4 day bender in Barcelona was the final straw and I knew I had to stop. This was 13th December 2016.
44 days later and more psychological than physical withdrawals, I was feeling great. So great that I stupidly thought Amsterdam was a good place to go see my friend, sober of course. WTF! Who goes to Amsterdam in the first 3 months of sobriety?! Actually who goes to Amsterdam who is an alcoholic and previous drug addict, period??
Anyway, I thought a few pints wouldn't hurt and I could control myself. Famous last words, 3 days on the **** with Coke coming to the table, literally! Felt like death, severe anxiety and self hatred. Im now on Day 6 but I cant shake the guilt and replay the sober day I should be on! 56 I would have been on!
How the hell do I let go of this? Im confident ill stay off the booze but I cant shake this mind bending guilt!
This is my first post, however been reading the forum for many months. Normally after a regrettable bender. Still, it wasn't enough and I went and done it again, most of the time harder.
Anyway, a weekend in Ireland after a 4 day bender in Barcelona was the final straw and I knew I had to stop. This was 13th December 2016.
44 days later and more psychological than physical withdrawals, I was feeling great. So great that I stupidly thought Amsterdam was a good place to go see my friend, sober of course. WTF! Who goes to Amsterdam in the first 3 months of sobriety?! Actually who goes to Amsterdam who is an alcoholic and previous drug addict, period??
Anyway, I thought a few pints wouldn't hurt and I could control myself. Famous last words, 3 days on the **** with Coke coming to the table, literally! Felt like death, severe anxiety and self hatred. Im now on Day 6 but I cant shake the guilt and replay the sober day I should be on! 56 I would have been on!
How the hell do I let go of this? Im confident ill stay off the booze but I cant shake this mind bending guilt!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Hey everyone, Day 8 and another sober weekend and excited for my move tomorrow!
Delilah1, Im actually going to do study Spanish & Aviation there. I have 2 freinds there. 1 is the only guy I know personally who ironically doesn't drink and my other friend had already tried to intervene, so out of the first 2 friends there, its a good start!
Thanks for the message blueberry, and it feels good that a simple post can encourage someone else not to break. Stick with it, I'm excited to get where you are with your sobriety!
Thanks for the support and I will update soon and definitely be contributing to this forum moving forward. I should have done it much earlier but at least the process has started!
Delilah1, Im actually going to do study Spanish & Aviation there. I have 2 freinds there. 1 is the only guy I know personally who ironically doesn't drink and my other friend had already tried to intervene, so out of the first 2 friends there, its a good start!
Thanks for the message blueberry, and it feels good that a simple post can encourage someone else not to break. Stick with it, I'm excited to get where you are with your sobriety!
Thanks for the support and I will update soon and definitely be contributing to this forum moving forward. I should have done it much earlier but at least the process has started!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Back in 2013 I had 117 days sober and drank a sip of beer just to "taste it". That led to a few beers here and there. That led to a six pack everyday. That led to being a full blown alcoholic for additional 3 years - tacked onto the 24 years of alcoholism I already had been through.
104 days ago I finally quit again. This time I won't make the same mistake.
104 days ago I finally quit again. This time I won't make the same mistake.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Well done Doug!
104 days is brilliant! The most I have done is 84 days and it wasn't to stop forever, it was for a health kik with my then girlfriend. Stupid thing is, the day i drank i got completely smashed again, and thought jumping on a bush to bounce back would be funny. Wasn't funny when I went right through the bush and landed on both my knees. 2 operations later and still never learnt my lesson! I look back and think why the hell haven't i done this sooner!! Saying that, Im under no illusion this is over, I've only just begun recovery and its a lifelong process. Last weekend proving that!
All the best to everyone!! :-)
104 days is brilliant! The most I have done is 84 days and it wasn't to stop forever, it was for a health kik with my then girlfriend. Stupid thing is, the day i drank i got completely smashed again, and thought jumping on a bush to bounce back would be funny. Wasn't funny when I went right through the bush and landed on both my knees. 2 operations later and still never learnt my lesson! I look back and think why the hell haven't i done this sooner!! Saying that, Im under no illusion this is over, I've only just begun recovery and its a lifelong process. Last weekend proving that!
All the best to everyone!! :-)
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