SKEPTICAL

Well,
I told my husband I want a divorce yesterday. Then I cried all day. He was so calm and so sweet. He kept talking about wanting to make sure the house is okay for me to live in alone. We agreed to just separate for a few months (he is moving back in with his parents in Boston) but I am having doubts about my decision. I was soo convinced it was the right decision, but now I am so sad. He is living with me another two weeks while he ties up loose ends and the pain of seeing him hurting all day is killing me. Sigh... I guess I just need to hear that I did the right thing.

smoke gets in my eyes

Like we always say... you're the only one who knows when you've had enough. It sounds like you have. My heart goes out to you. I know this is tough. Hang in there.

Smoke

bunky

Hi Skeptical.

I'm sorry you're hurting. It took alot of courage for you to make your decision. It's ok to be scared and it's ok to feel some relief that the first big step has been made. You've been living with a very stressful situation and you deserve some time and space to heal.

CherylG

I have to ask if you have gone to an Al-anon meeting yet? You would not believe the strength in the room. And if you cry, that's okay. We have all cried.

SKEPTICAL

Thanks, Everyone. I haven't gone to al anon yet. I think I have been deriving strength from my friends and family who all support me a hundred percent. My husband is living with me for the next two weeks and its very painful for me. I can't stand seeing him so sad and its hard for me to know how to act. He wants to think I am going out to Boston in 6 months and I can't tell him I will, but it seems to be the only hope he has and I don't want to take it away from him. Sigh... more tears on the way... but I think I am doing the right thing.

CherylG

Please think of what he has taken away from you. The company of a nice man when sober. Does he care about that?

NAfriend

I gotta be the devil's advocate here for a second. Please, please, please remember this...it is their job to be manipulative. Period!! Once the addict sees that the end is near..just watch the reaction. It may be pity, sadness, crying, yelling, blaming...you may see the nice guy, the helpful guy the changed man. You have made a decision to get on with your life...if that life eventually includes him, that too will be made known to you. Listen to you heart, talk to your higher power then act on what you're being told. In my case I really believe that God told me to get out of His way. In all my 'helping' God couldn't do His job. These are the hard days, I'm there too..seeing them daily doesn't help but I know this..since making the choice to part company I have not once felt it was the 'wrong' decision. Take care, trust in yourself.

Jen

SKEPTICAL

I'm sooooooo frustrated. I need you to say something inspiring to me. Winston has decided to look into getting an apartment in Denver and working there so we can date. Great, right? Okay, so he begs me to try again blah blah blah. But at the same time, its the same old ****! Here is our last conversation;

Kid; "when are you coming home?"

me; "after I go to the gym"

kid; "no, don't go to the gym, I want you to come home. we only have a little time left."

me; "what do you want to do tonight?"

kid; "well, I worked on resumes this morning so i don't really feel like going out tonight. we can go to a movie or dinner tomorrow night."

me; "going to dinner tonight is too hard?"

kid; "well, i'll just be sitting around all day, so i don't want to sit in a theater or at dinner table."

So explain this to me, if he begs me to give him a chance, but faced with NOTHING to do today and maybe only a week left with me in his life, why would he choose not to go out with me tonight?! Why wouldn't he work out or something so that he does feel like going out tonight? Or why wouldn't we do something active if he doesn't want to sit around?

Anyhow, this is the epitome of the frustration i am facing right now. i can only discuss his willingness to change for so long without him actually DOING anything about it!!

smoke gets in my eyes

Try this script:

Kid: Baby, can't we try again?

You: WE? I have been trying. I have been trying for years. If YOU would try for ONCE then WE would be trying for the FIRST TIME. I cannot be both halves of a relationship. Put your money where your mouth is.

Smoke

SKEPTICAL

I said what you suggested... more or less. I told him how upset I was and he said to me "I didn't know we were trying yet. I thought I had to move out and get a job first." Clueless! Anyhow, the good news is that things have taken a major change for the better. His parents received the letter I sent them explaining why I was kicking him out of the house. They must have taken it to heart because yesterday he talked to his mom and she suggested he get counseling for himself because he has had a hard life and may be bringing a lot of baggage to the marriage. She als asked him about his drinking. Meanwhile, his brother in law had a talk with him for me. He told Kid it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for him to get his act together and get his own apartment around here. So, last night he DID end up taking me to dinner. We had a great talk and he really really really seems to understand now. He said he understands that I can keep drinking because he has to quit for himself and by himself. This is major because in the past it was that I had to quit for him to quit and if I drank it meant he could. Anyhow, I just want to say that things are looking really positive right now.

smoke gets in my eyes

I guess there's something to be said for gang warfare. I hope it's really sinking in.

I hope you don't mean you'll keep drinking around him. Y'know what they say about triggers.

Smoke

SKEPTICAL

Gosh no! I am not going to drink around him. I mean that he wanted me to quit drinking as well and I am happy to quit drinking around him, but I feel that when I fly home to a wedding or if the entire family is gathered for Christmas or something I can have a glass of wine. I will not go out with him and drink, have ANY alcohol in the house, or even go out partying with friends as part of my social life without him. Isn't that fair?

smoke gets in my eyes

Fair? Who knows what's fair? However, it does sound very considerate.

Smoke

CherylG

I just have to say that since I "let go and let God" the difference has been tremendous.
I told him I wanted a divorce and got it in a matter of months. I don't threaten unless I mean it. I told him he could stay at the house as long as he didn't drink. We all know how long that lasted. He finally ended up going to stay with his Dad 5 hours away which is a Godsend for me and the kids. We actually can relax for a little. Don't get me wrong, this has been really tough financially and emotionally but we are making it one day at a time.I have never been able to keep alcohol in the house, either. I ocassionally like a drink. One thing I did was go buy a six pack of good German beer. Sunday afternoon I even had one in the back yard sitting in the lawn chair enjoying the beautiful weather and thanking God for a little serenity. I wish him all the best and hope he can actually do it this time with someone else's help because I took care of him for 24 years and it didn't work.
Who knows, someday our paths may meet again but for today I am okay.

SKEPTICAL

Hi All,
I am now confused. My husband has been great, he took me out to dinner 3 times in the last five nights! He has been loving, good natured, and stating repeatedly that he is looking forward to his new life as a sober and productive individual. What amazes me, however, is that I am finding that my friends and family are disappointed! They were happy I finally told him I want a divorce and they are upset that I am giving him another chance. Part of me thinks they must be right and the other part thinks this is between my husband and I so their opinion doesn't matter. Either way, I have found myself more depressed and lonely than I was when I told everyone about my decision to leave him! Any advice?

smoke gets in my eyes

Listen to your friends and family. Listen to your husband. Always listen, then use the information that is useful to you, and discard the rest. It's not between you and your husband. It's between you and yourself. You are the only one who can know your own heart. Try not to get frustrated with the people who love you. Hearing opinions you don't like is better than living in a conspiracy of silence, or worse, mutterings behind your back. Accept their thoughts with the love with which they are intended, and keep your eyes and mind open.

Smoke

gailc57

Skeptical,


Please read my reply to your first posting "How can I help my husband" and good luck and God bless.

SKEPTICAL

Hi Gail,
Thanks for your interest in my story. I do believe my husband has depression but I also believe he has always dealt with it through drinking and thus has made it worse. He started drinking his senior year in high school... right about the time adolescents are dealing with life changes and emotional issues. That was eight years ago, meaning all through his four years at college and the first four years of our marriage he has been drinking. It has essentially stunted his emotional growth as he has just been escaping from all feelings. I convinced him to go on antidepressants a year after we were married but it really only supplemented his drinking so that he could go to school during the day and drink at night. He opted to stop after being on them 2 years and I didn't see a change after he stopped. Anyhow, in the end the question for me was do I want to go through life as his psychiatrist and counselor? For four years I have tried to "fix" him and help him learn to have a happy and fulfilling life. It has taken all the joy out of my life and has not wanted these things for himself so he has not acheived them. I finally got tired of trying so hard to help him with no results other than feeling I was sacrificing my own life. I was really done trying when I told him I want a divorce less than two weeks ago. I was 90 percent sure our marriage was over because I had been doing all the work and I wasn't willing to do anymore. Amazingly, my not willing to work on him anymore seems to have been what he needed. He has grown more in the past week than he has in the 4 years I have been with him. He knows I will not sacrifice another day of my life in a relationship that does not make me happy and so he is trying to make me happy to save our relationship. Meanwhile, he has been thinking about what he wants from his life. Now I am 90 percent sure our marriage will last... just because of his changes this last week. Anyhow, that was a long answer to your question about whether he is depressed. The short answer is yes and that is why I stayed with him for four years, but now I don't see it as an excuse because he needs to try to get help whether its for his drinking, his depression, or both... HE needs to do it.

SKEPTICAL

Oops, Sorry Gail.
I didn't go over to the second page of my other post so I responded to the wrong post. Lets see, you were talking about not having a social life and urging me to take action now. I am glad you said that. My husband's father has been telling my husband that not doing things is not a reason for a divorce. He thinks there must be something else I am thinking. (which may explain why he is working on his 3rd marriage!) Anyhow, it had me wondering if not going out is a reason to divorce. Part of me says definitely. I am 26 and have no joy in my life because I have no family and friends around me. Its lonely. Worse, my husband and his moods have become my life because I have no escape from our house and him. The other part of me says I am being selfish to end a marriage over such a petty thing. Your post hits home for me because I don't want my life to pass me by so that I am filled with regrets and dreams un-fulfilled. I hope you don't feel its too late for you to get joy back into your life. I am thinking that i am going to give my husband a chance to make me happy, but if I am not happier I will still leave. I do think we all deserve to be happy.

Brownsugar

Dear Skeptical, I want you to know that you can cry beg, plead or whatecer, until he makes up his mind to change, there is nothing that will be right for him. I know, I've been there. My husband used drugs and drank for the whole 14 years of our marriage, he never was physically abusive, and sometimes he brought money home, and sometimes I had to catch him to get some money. He smoked up 800.00 in 1 night. We had to pay rent, but I always worked and was a big enabler. He knew if he didn't do what was right I would. He was very manipulative, told lies constanly, I knew he was lying but wanted to believe him. Finally I told him he had to go but I guess at the same time God told him he had to stop.He entered a treatment program that was 7 months in house and 6 months aftercare. We are still together which he thanks God each and every day for. But you know when he was in treatment and I wanted him to come home, I had the nerve to be pissed off because he was learning how to take care of himself, hhe told me first you have to want to give up drugs. Then you have to love yourself, fix yourself if not you can never be any good to any one else. Some of my family members were upset that I held on to my husband, but it worked out okay for me. Whatever you do remember "those that matter don't judge, those that judge did't matter anyway. Pray, God gives you strenght far greater than you can imagine. God Bless You