Need to make a decision about family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wonder Lake, IL
Posts: 1
Need to make a decision about family
Not sure where to start with this. I have been here on and off for the last 10 years. My daughter is the alcoholic in our family. She is 30 years old and has a year old son. They both have been living with us for the last year. When she had him she had been sober for about a year and did not relapse until he was about 8 months old. The problem comes with the boyfriend who is the father. I'll just put it out there that he is an OK guy and we usually get along OK. Now the problem. When my grandson was born him and his mother came and lived with us. About 2 months later the boyfriend came and lived with us. He had a job at my brothers business but said he wasn't able to do it and quit after about 6 weeks. Did not really look for work or take care of the child while the Mom was working. The beginning of July we gave him and choice, find work or leave. He chose to leave and that was the beginning of the end. In November my daughter filed for placement and things got very nasty. She would read my their texts and he said some very nasty things about her, Me, her mom and her dad. Lied and made a lot of false accusations. She was picking us with another X at Christmas time and needless to say she is now back with the father of the child and would like us to let him move back in with us until they are able to get their own place sometime this summer. He did give us a letter at Christmas time apologizing for all he had done and told us he had stopped smoking weed and was trying to change. My daughter had relapsed for about a month in october. She is now finishing up outpatient thearpy. I think they are both good kids but not necessarily good for each other. They are both in their early 30's . Any thoughts on our situation would be a big help. I just like to get different perspectives.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Frust- I can offer little advice about this, being the destructive alcoholic force in my family. I do know that looking and asking questions is a good start. Perhaps look into Al-Anon meetings- as well as the threads and stories on SR. I can offer my prayers and support to you and your family. Addiction sucks. Stay safe. PJ
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was in a similar custody situation, not married to my younger son's father, and I found that the best way for me to deal with all the chaos was to sort it out into things that directly concerned my custody case or DS's well-being and what was just noise and nonsense.
A lot of crazymaking can go on during legal disputes, but most of it can be safely ignored. This issue is really between your daughter and her son's father. I know you want the best outcome for your grandchild, and it's hard to let go when your heart is involved.
Al-Anon helped me to keep the crazy at bay when I was in the thick of the situation, and I also met grandmas who were struggling on the "outside" of a custody situation with their grandkids. That helped me to have more empathy for everyone involved, even the people who were angry and mean.
A lot of crazymaking can go on during legal disputes, but most of it can be safely ignored. This issue is really between your daughter and her son's father. I know you want the best outcome for your grandchild, and it's hard to let go when your heart is involved.
Al-Anon helped me to keep the crazy at bay when I was in the thick of the situation, and I also met grandmas who were struggling on the "outside" of a custody situation with their grandkids. That helped me to have more empathy for everyone involved, even the people who were angry and mean.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Fru stated.....my opinion is ...absolutely not! they are in their 30's for Pete's sake.....They need to learn to face l ife and it's difficulties on their own.
It seems to me, that they have been lucky, already with all you have done.
Just because someone has dealt with a drug problem doesn't give them any more entitlement than anyone else.
My opinion is that they are trying to take the most comfortable and convenient route at YOUR expense.
If they want to be together...then, they have to earn it. That is what adult life is about. They both sound like they have a strong sense of entitlement, to me.
They will take all that they can, if you don't set some boundaries and draw the line.
It is your house...not a hotel. You are entitled to live your adult life in peace...not taking on the responsibilities of those who should be doing for themselves.
If you let him back in, I will bet that you will be taking on more stress, worry, and will regret it by the time summer comes!
In general..every time you enable someone...it ends up in resentment in the end.
enabling---doing for someone else what they can and should be doing for themselves.
You probable think I sound like a real hard ass...but, I have had to learn all of this by experience and lots of observation.....
(I am not really a hard ass...lol...but, I hate to see someone get taken advantage of because they have a soft heart or too much false guilt)...
It seems to me, that they have been lucky, already with all you have done.
Just because someone has dealt with a drug problem doesn't give them any more entitlement than anyone else.
My opinion is that they are trying to take the most comfortable and convenient route at YOUR expense.
If they want to be together...then, they have to earn it. That is what adult life is about. They both sound like they have a strong sense of entitlement, to me.
They will take all that they can, if you don't set some boundaries and draw the line.
It is your house...not a hotel. You are entitled to live your adult life in peace...not taking on the responsibilities of those who should be doing for themselves.
If you let him back in, I will bet that you will be taking on more stress, worry, and will regret it by the time summer comes!
In general..every time you enable someone...it ends up in resentment in the end.
enabling---doing for someone else what they can and should be doing for themselves.
You probable think I sound like a real hard ass...but, I have had to learn all of this by experience and lots of observation.....
(I am not really a hard ass...lol...but, I hate to see someone get taken advantage of because they have a soft heart or too much false guilt)...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by Frusterated1 
I think they are both good kids but not necessarily good for each other. They are both in their early 30's . Any thoughts on our situation would be a big help. I just like to get different perspectives.
One thing stuck out to me in your post and I have quoted it above. They are adults, not children. I urge to find an Al-Anon meeting. I know that having a baby in the middle makes it hard. The meetings could help you determine what is yours to take care of and what is ultimately your daughter's responsibility. Please keep reading!
Jaeger
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would agree, absolutely not.
Is he presently working? What's really changed since July that you would now today, change your boundary? Does it have to do with rewarding your daughter for getting sober again?
The beginning of July we gave him and choice, find work or leave.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I sympathize, Frustrated. Hard when grandkids are involved.
I must agree with other posters. Your daughter is looking for a softer way, and you have demonstrated byyour actions in past that you are willing to provide it.
Don't do it this time. I can almost guarantee that if you let them move in, you will be back at square one in a very short time.
They are adults with a child, not teenagers who have gotten themselves i n a jam. Time for them to act like grown-ups. Don't let them back in. You will regret it.
I must agree with other posters. Your daughter is looking for a softer way, and you have demonstrated byyour actions in past that you are willing to provide it.
Don't do it this time. I can almost guarantee that if you let them move in, you will be back at square one in a very short time.
They are adults with a child, not teenagers who have gotten themselves i n a jam. Time for them to act like grown-ups. Don't let them back in. You will regret it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I sympathize, Frustrated. Hard when grandkids are involved.
I must agree with other posters. Your daughter is looking for a softer way, and you have demonstrated byyour actions in past that you are willing to provide it.
Don't do it this time. I can almost guarantee that if you let them move in, you will be back at square one in a very short time.
They are adults with a child, not teenagers who have gotten themselves i n a jam. Time for them to act like grown-ups. Don't let them back in. You will regret it.
I must agree with other posters. Your daughter is looking for a softer way, and you have demonstrated byyour actions in past that you are willing to provide it.
Don't do it this time. I can almost guarantee that if you let them move in, you will be back at square one in a very short time.
They are adults with a child, not teenagers who have gotten themselves i n a jam. Time for them to act like grown-ups. Don't let them back in. You will regret it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Absolutely NOT. Good grief they're in their 30's with their own child and he's disrespected you in so many ways that a mere "sorry" doesn't fix that so he gets back into that cozy situation. You need to nudge the "fledglings" (grown adults - wayyyyy) out. You're really not doing them any favors, actually, taking care like you have been.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
The last time he lived with you it was a disaster. What makes you think it would be any different?
If he wants to prove to you that he's worthy of your daughter, wouldn't he want to make it on his own? Why is he writing kiss-#$$ letters so he can score a rent-free place to stay, when he could be channeling his energy towards making a home for him and your daughter? If he wants to truly apologize, then he should make a concerted effort that he can be a reliable partner for your daughter and a reliable father for your grandchild. Words won't do.
When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, my sister's pothead boyfriend asked my dad for a job so he could prove himself to them. Well, to be accurate, my sister asked my dad for the job. My dad, in his infinite wisdom, said no. The general reaction was, well, if it was so important for the boyfriend to prove himself to my parents, why would he embarrass himself by groveling for a job? It would make more of an impression if he actually got a job on his own (which he eventually did).
My sister still had enough sense into her to realize that her relationship with my parents would deteriorate if she moved back in with them, so now her children stay with my parents while she has her own place. It isn't perfect, but it seems to work. Her children are safe, and my sister has her independence.
The fact of the matter is that it's your house. You pay the mortgage and the taxes. Your house is _not_ her house to lend to others. Once she has her own place, she can decide for herself who resides there without interference.
If he wants to prove to you that he's worthy of your daughter, wouldn't he want to make it on his own? Why is he writing kiss-#$$ letters so he can score a rent-free place to stay, when he could be channeling his energy towards making a home for him and your daughter? If he wants to truly apologize, then he should make a concerted effort that he can be a reliable partner for your daughter and a reliable father for your grandchild. Words won't do.
When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, my sister's pothead boyfriend asked my dad for a job so he could prove himself to them. Well, to be accurate, my sister asked my dad for the job. My dad, in his infinite wisdom, said no. The general reaction was, well, if it was so important for the boyfriend to prove himself to my parents, why would he embarrass himself by groveling for a job? It would make more of an impression if he actually got a job on his own (which he eventually did).
My sister still had enough sense into her to realize that her relationship with my parents would deteriorate if she moved back in with them, so now her children stay with my parents while she has her own place. It isn't perfect, but it seems to work. Her children are safe, and my sister has her independence.
The fact of the matter is that it's your house. You pay the mortgage and the taxes. Your house is _not_ her house to lend to others. Once she has her own place, she can decide for herself who resides there without interference.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I would certainly say no for all the reasons the others have given.
If you want to help there are other ways, but I would assume that any money given to them would be a gift not a loan.
Empowering your daughter could be a focus for you, like helping with child-care while she works or studies. But only for positive changes she makes in her life. I have a feeling she'll be without much support from BF eventually, and she'll need an independent means of support.
If you want to help there are other ways, but I would assume that any money given to them would be a gift not a loan.
Empowering your daughter could be a focus for you, like helping with child-care while she works or studies. But only for positive changes she makes in her life. I have a feeling she'll be without much support from BF eventually, and she'll need an independent means of support.
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