Not making big decisions in the first year of soberiety
*Ex Missus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 410
Not making big decisions in the first year of soberiety
I agree with this but what about undoing big decisions you made whilst drunk or hungover?
I was in a bad place last August, I'd relapsed after 18 months and was thinking I was old, wasted my life and nothing good lay ahead. (Yes, at 37 years)
I made a pretty rash decision to go back to school to study for something I was vaguely interested, pretty good at and that pays well when you're qualified. I was leaving behind my life long passion of the arts which I've had varying levels of success with freelance over the years.
The first semester was a complete shock to the system, not least because I was binge drinking at weekends but also I had to commute for 90 -120 mins each way, I am a single mum and the first year subject matter is really tough. Somehow I managed to scrape by.
However, I got sober on New Years day and haven't attended class since. I don't know if I've dropped out or will be kicked out anyway. I actually haven't made any decision and I know that if I don't do something then something will do me.
I don't know what I'm going to do instead if I drop out though. There's another course in the same subject starting in september which is in my city but its more of a vocational course than academic. It might be a lot easier and more fun. Or maybe I want to go back to the arts and struggle when out of work for the rest of my life. I don't knowwwww.
I'm really really rambling here. I guess I'm asking would it be making a big decision to quit in the first year of sobriety or would it be undoing a bad decision made whilst drinking?
I was in a bad place last August, I'd relapsed after 18 months and was thinking I was old, wasted my life and nothing good lay ahead. (Yes, at 37 years)
I made a pretty rash decision to go back to school to study for something I was vaguely interested, pretty good at and that pays well when you're qualified. I was leaving behind my life long passion of the arts which I've had varying levels of success with freelance over the years.
The first semester was a complete shock to the system, not least because I was binge drinking at weekends but also I had to commute for 90 -120 mins each way, I am a single mum and the first year subject matter is really tough. Somehow I managed to scrape by.
However, I got sober on New Years day and haven't attended class since. I don't know if I've dropped out or will be kicked out anyway. I actually haven't made any decision and I know that if I don't do something then something will do me.
I don't know what I'm going to do instead if I drop out though. There's another course in the same subject starting in september which is in my city but its more of a vocational course than academic. It might be a lot easier and more fun. Or maybe I want to go back to the arts and struggle when out of work for the rest of my life. I don't knowwwww.
I'm really really rambling here. I guess I'm asking would it be making a big decision to quit in the first year of sobriety or would it be undoing a bad decision made whilst drinking?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
First, congratulations on quitting. That is huge and the first step!
Second, are you working a program? I ask because as a dedicated AA-er, I have found consulting my sponsor and prayer, and earnest evaluation of a situation, the key to making good decisions.
Ex- I asked for my job back as a server at a restaurant, after consultation and careful consideration of the timing, correctness and contribution to my sober life it would bring. It turned out to be the best decision I have made practically - I make the money I need to support myself and I have found sources of support in my 10 yr sober GM among others.
Second ex- I went into a relationship about 5 mo sober. With my high school boyfriend, who is also in recovery, and that too was subject to prayer, discussion with my sponsor and such. The best emotional decision I have made sober, and possibly ever. Our relationship might seem like a "risky first year choice" on paper but it is the absolute opposite of that in reality.
Other decisions- ex, I did not move when my lease was up- have been "nos" not "yeses."
I don't think any of us can tell you what to do- part of sobriety is learning to make the next right choice for ourselves. I will say that you are very early days and I do believe that it takes time for our minds to clear and to gain confidence and increasing certainty in our abilities to do the next right thing.
My support team and program are crucial to me. Good luck.
Second, are you working a program? I ask because as a dedicated AA-er, I have found consulting my sponsor and prayer, and earnest evaluation of a situation, the key to making good decisions.
Ex- I asked for my job back as a server at a restaurant, after consultation and careful consideration of the timing, correctness and contribution to my sober life it would bring. It turned out to be the best decision I have made practically - I make the money I need to support myself and I have found sources of support in my 10 yr sober GM among others.
Second ex- I went into a relationship about 5 mo sober. With my high school boyfriend, who is also in recovery, and that too was subject to prayer, discussion with my sponsor and such. The best emotional decision I have made sober, and possibly ever. Our relationship might seem like a "risky first year choice" on paper but it is the absolute opposite of that in reality.
Other decisions- ex, I did not move when my lease was up- have been "nos" not "yeses."
I don't think any of us can tell you what to do- part of sobriety is learning to make the next right choice for ourselves. I will say that you are very early days and I do believe that it takes time for our minds to clear and to gain confidence and increasing certainty in our abilities to do the next right thing.
My support team and program are crucial to me. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Do you really have to make a clear cut choice between the school and this new direction, and your old passion in the arts? Do you need to give up the old things completely to pursue the new interest?
I've made quite a few risky career decisions in my life but never in a way that I completely quit something I invested a lot of time and energy into and carved out a niche... just to explore something brand new and unrelated. For me the different areas were always overlapping and interconnected, could build one onto the other. But I did often have two jobs and always had jobs while studying.
I would also ask myself, why you suddenly want to abandon the school when a while ago you decided to make a sacrifice for it. Is it because it's too hard/challenging or because you've learned from experience that it's not so interesting after all? If you are still interested but find it exhausting, could you take it more slowly?
I personally never bought into the "don't make important decisions in early sobriety" concept for myself, in part because I would have felt that as an avoidance strategy for me and also because I could not really afford it for many personal and professional reasons. Life simply just threw a lot on me in my first two sober years ever and not dealing with it would have been the bad decision. Also, sometimes opportunities just come our way and missing them would mean missing forever. But I do get why the suggestion is good for many.
Again, I would probably look at your motives deeply and realistically.
I've made quite a few risky career decisions in my life but never in a way that I completely quit something I invested a lot of time and energy into and carved out a niche... just to explore something brand new and unrelated. For me the different areas were always overlapping and interconnected, could build one onto the other. But I did often have two jobs and always had jobs while studying.
I would also ask myself, why you suddenly want to abandon the school when a while ago you decided to make a sacrifice for it. Is it because it's too hard/challenging or because you've learned from experience that it's not so interesting after all? If you are still interested but find it exhausting, could you take it more slowly?
I personally never bought into the "don't make important decisions in early sobriety" concept for myself, in part because I would have felt that as an avoidance strategy for me and also because I could not really afford it for many personal and professional reasons. Life simply just threw a lot on me in my first two sober years ever and not dealing with it would have been the bad decision. Also, sometimes opportunities just come our way and missing them would mean missing forever. But I do get why the suggestion is good for many.
Again, I would probably look at your motives deeply and realistically.
*Ex Missus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 410
Thank you for your response August 
I started AA two weeks ago and I just got a sponsor yesterday. I hadn't thought that I could discuss life issues with them, that will be amazing to have someone to talk to about such things. We are meeting on Monday to discuss how we will move forwards. Maybe I can mention this dilemma then... I do pray however I think I'm blocking any inspired solutions with worrying.
I think you're on the money here. I need to basically hash all this out with someone to be able to get some clarity. Making this thread helped a bit because I've been carrying all this round for weeks now. I daren't tell anyone because they're all so made up for me going back to school. I just wish I had more time really (before the school start issuing me with warnings which makes me anxious as hell) because like you say its early days. And, my emotions are all over the place on this particular subject.
I started AA two weeks ago and I just got a sponsor yesterday. I hadn't thought that I could discuss life issues with them, that will be amazing to have someone to talk to about such things. We are meeting on Monday to discuss how we will move forwards. Maybe I can mention this dilemma then... I do pray however I think I'm blocking any inspired solutions with worrying.I think you're on the money here. I need to basically hash all this out with someone to be able to get some clarity. Making this thread helped a bit because I've been carrying all this round for weeks now. I daren't tell anyone because they're all so made up for me going back to school. I just wish I had more time really (before the school start issuing me with warnings which makes me anxious as hell) because like you say its early days. And, my emotions are all over the place on this particular subject.
*Ex Missus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 410
Hi Aellyce, well it had been my intention to try and continue doing a little creative work still here and there but I lost a client during my first semester because the school workload got real intense, real fast (coupled with the commuting) and I couldn't meet the deadlines. There could be an element of resentment about abandoning my dreams but from the place I was in. I was desperate and thought it might be time I conformed and got a real job.
It's not what I thought it would be, no. The first year is basically designed for everyone in that niche to get a basic (it seems advanced to me) understanding of the whole subject. A lot of us, don't understand why we would be required to learn the things we're learning. I liken it to a fashion designer, having to learn how to engineer a sewing machine rather than how to use it to sew. The final two years are supposed to be more specific to my chosen subject and I had originally just told myself to get through this year to get to the good stuff.
I guess I do need to re-examine my motives from this sober place. I no longer feel hopeless or that it's the last boat. I do have options and time to start over. I just need to clean up or realign with my plans. Thank you
It's not what I thought it would be, no. The first year is basically designed for everyone in that niche to get a basic (it seems advanced to me) understanding of the whole subject. A lot of us, don't understand why we would be required to learn the things we're learning. I liken it to a fashion designer, having to learn how to engineer a sewing machine rather than how to use it to sew. The final two years are supposed to be more specific to my chosen subject and I had originally just told myself to get through this year to get to the good stuff.
I guess I do need to re-examine my motives from this sober place. I no longer feel hopeless or that it's the last boat. I do have options and time to start over. I just need to clean up or realign with my plans. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 500
Hi Jackdsmissus,
I would definitely talk it out with someone. Also is there a counsellor at the school? Also, I find that if you keep a diary it can help sort out your thoughts. I am in the arts as well. When I first got sober (2013-for 20 months) I spend the first 6 months just healing but I did write about it a lot and I felt like it helped me find my direction when I really wasn't sure. And then one day I just thought. ok , I am ready and I am going to do this.
I think if you have a clear vision for your passion you can do it! Now my entire income is from creating art. But I have to say it was a lot of work but it was fun work. Please don't give up on your passion. I had to ask many favors when it came to people helping out with my son. Also you mentioned varying degrees of success so that means something!
Mind you everyone told me not to be and artist but fortunately I didn't listen and it made me work harder. But it took a long time so I worked as a waiter. And if you are sober now I believe you can move mountains!
I would definitely talk it out with someone. Also is there a counsellor at the school? Also, I find that if you keep a diary it can help sort out your thoughts. I am in the arts as well. When I first got sober (2013-for 20 months) I spend the first 6 months just healing but I did write about it a lot and I felt like it helped me find my direction when I really wasn't sure. And then one day I just thought. ok , I am ready and I am going to do this.
I think if you have a clear vision for your passion you can do it! Now my entire income is from creating art. But I have to say it was a lot of work but it was fun work. Please don't give up on your passion. I had to ask many favors when it came to people helping out with my son. Also you mentioned varying degrees of success so that means something!
Mind you everyone told me not to be and artist but fortunately I didn't listen and it made me work harder. But it took a long time so I worked as a waiter. And if you are sober now I believe you can move mountains!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
I would go back to the school/college and explain your situation to them and give it another term, maybe two and see how you get on. It might seem less arduous now that you are sober and the ability to earn a decent income is a big deal. Lastly earning a decent living does not mean that you therefore have to stop pushing your interest in the arts.
I think if you were to do that there would be less chance of regretting a decision to quit after you had studied sober for a term
I think if you were to do that there would be less chance of regretting a decision to quit after you had studied sober for a term
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Making no big decisions for the first year.?
Sounds good on paper but,
may not work out for the best in all situations.
Important matters will still need to be dealt with in a timely manner.
Or else there may be a big price to pay later.
M-Bob
Sounds good on paper but,
may not work out for the best in all situations.
Important matters will still need to be dealt with in a timely manner.
Or else there may be a big price to pay later.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
The thing about not making decisions is that it's really not possible. Deciding not to change course really means making a decision to keep on the way you've been going.
Figure out what you think is best for you moving forward and don't worry too much about the idea of trying to avoid making decisions in early sobriety.
Figure out what you think is best for you moving forward and don't worry too much about the idea of trying to avoid making decisions in early sobriety.
*Ex Missus
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 410
Hi cusper, that's just awesome that you're making a living doing what you love! I had a couple of incredible years in the arts and some very sparse ones. I'd say I did well when I was well and proactive. Being sober would certainly help. I won't let go of my dreams or rather they won't let go of me. And, yes good point about the counsellor. Thank you.
saoutchik thanks to you guys I have now emailed the head tutor and I'm going to go in next week and have a chat. You're right about the decent income and it was a very compelling factor in getting off my butt and trying to do something different. I'm going to find a way to merge the two even if the arts have to be just for fun for a little while.
MountainManBob that's right it sounds good on paper. I guess its more important like you say in terms of getting married or divorced etc... When its something that is going to happen whether you make a decision or not then I guess it has to be dealt with.
tomsteve that's a mighty fine idea as well. I might just do that. Thanks.
DG0409 yes you're right, not doing anything is essentially having the decision made for me anyway. So I might as well have some say in the matter.
Michael66 I'm hoping the head tutor might allow me a bit more time to get my head together after I've spoken to him next week. Or I may well know what I want to do by then, if I can chat to my sponsor and also do this list of pros/cons.
Thanks everyone. I'm glad I made this thread now, it's made me take action and given me some clarity at least about how to make a decision. Also, its set my mind at rest about this whole making big decisions in the first year of sobriety thing.
saoutchik thanks to you guys I have now emailed the head tutor and I'm going to go in next week and have a chat. You're right about the decent income and it was a very compelling factor in getting off my butt and trying to do something different. I'm going to find a way to merge the two even if the arts have to be just for fun for a little while.
MountainManBob that's right it sounds good on paper. I guess its more important like you say in terms of getting married or divorced etc... When its something that is going to happen whether you make a decision or not then I guess it has to be dealt with.
tomsteve that's a mighty fine idea as well. I might just do that. Thanks.
DG0409 yes you're right, not doing anything is essentially having the decision made for me anyway. So I might as well have some say in the matter.
Michael66 I'm hoping the head tutor might allow me a bit more time to get my head together after I've spoken to him next week. Or I may well know what I want to do by then, if I can chat to my sponsor and also do this list of pros/cons.
Thanks everyone. I'm glad I made this thread now, it's made me take action and given me some clarity at least about how to make a decision. Also, its set my mind at rest about this whole making big decisions in the first year of sobriety thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I never understood the advice people give about not making big decisions in the first year. Step 3 was more than a 'big' decision for me. There were lot's of other big decisions I made over the course of the first year too. Some worked out well. Some didn't work out well. I learned something from all of them. The important thing is that I didn't drink or use over them.
It would be nice if life went on hiatus for the first year, but it doesn't. Things come up and we have to deal with them clean and sober.
It would be nice if life went on hiatus for the first year, but it doesn't. Things come up and we have to deal with them clean and sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
JackDsMissus,Ill give ya an example of how i used the pros and cons list-probably the most important time in recovery ive used it.
after i was diagnosed stage melanoma and after the 1st surgery to carve out what was known to be there, my oncoligist gave me 3 choices on which route to take from there:
1) do nothing and see what happens in 6 months
2) clinical trial
3)interfuron for a year.
i took a few days making out the list.
pros and cons list showed me the choice was a clinical trial.
a good thing i took that route as a recurrance was caught. probably wouldnt have been caught iffen i took one of the other 2 choices.
after i was diagnosed stage melanoma and after the 1st surgery to carve out what was known to be there, my oncoligist gave me 3 choices on which route to take from there:
1) do nothing and see what happens in 6 months
2) clinical trial
3)interfuron for a year.
i took a few days making out the list.
pros and cons list showed me the choice was a clinical trial.
a good thing i took that route as a recurrance was caught. probably wouldnt have been caught iffen i took one of the other 2 choices.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I would give the school a call and see if it's possible for you to catch up on this semester, if not, or if it's going to be too much work and stress, just drop the class.
If you drop the class, it acts like you never took it in the first place and won't hurt you academically. If you just let it ride, you will fail the class which will have a negative impact.
If you drop the class, it acts like you never took it in the first place and won't hurt you academically. If you just let it ride, you will fail the class which will have a negative impact.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
Not making big decisions in the first year of soberiety
This is one of the things I've heard in AA that I don't agree with.
I understand the concept. But life continues to happen 24/7 and to sit on the sidelines for a year is not realistic.
And anyway, not making a decision, is actually a decision.
This is a situation where having a few friends in AA that you can talk with and bounce ideas off of, is beneficial.
This is one of the things I've heard in AA that I don't agree with.
I understand the concept. But life continues to happen 24/7 and to sit on the sidelines for a year is not realistic.
And anyway, not making a decision, is actually a decision.
This is a situation where having a few friends in AA that you can talk with and bounce ideas off of, is beneficial.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
The way I heard it, it was no unnecessary changes.
It's based on the idea changes can be stressful, especially too soon in recovery, and if your recovery plan is not quite developed, stress can lead to drinking.
I made lots of life affirming changes in my first year tho. Positive change made relapse less likely IMO.
Quitting drinking was one of those positive changes, and doing that helped me work out what I wanted to do with my second chance at a life.
What's your dream JacksD's Missus? What do you have a passion for?
Whatever it is, maybe that where you need to steer the boat?
D
It's based on the idea changes can be stressful, especially too soon in recovery, and if your recovery plan is not quite developed, stress can lead to drinking.
I made lots of life affirming changes in my first year tho. Positive change made relapse less likely IMO.
Quitting drinking was one of those positive changes, and doing that helped me work out what I wanted to do with my second chance at a life.
What's your dream JacksD's Missus? What do you have a passion for?
Whatever it is, maybe that where you need to steer the boat?
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Dee has explained things perfectly,no unnecessary changes as any resulting stress could lead to drinking.In my case,making life-changing decisions,the wrong ones,started my drinking career back in 1997 .Anyhow,at 8mths sober,never again will I touch that poison.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I like to say "don't make any major irreversible decisions" until one is on "firm footing" in sobriety. Sometimes that is 6 months, sometimes over a year. In my circles, that is when one is through taking the steps and is the recipient of a spiritual awakening.
I needed to leave/change my career (I stole drugs from work), but waited until I was spiritually fit to make that kind of choice to leave anesthesia. I turned in my license to practice when I was 9 months sober. So it wasn't really "one year", but I was through the steps and it was the right move for me.
I have found that many "sayings" in recovery circles are very nuanced. Each must do what is right for him, as long as it is based on sound principles. And in AA, it is HPs will for us.
mfanch
I needed to leave/change my career (I stole drugs from work), but waited until I was spiritually fit to make that kind of choice to leave anesthesia. I turned in my license to practice when I was 9 months sober. So it wasn't really "one year", but I was through the steps and it was the right move for me.
I have found that many "sayings" in recovery circles are very nuanced. Each must do what is right for him, as long as it is based on sound principles. And in AA, it is HPs will for us.
mfanch
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