Westexy

Hi Classmates - Checking in for February. I don't have a ton of time to write but I wanted to say hi to everyone and find out where you are with things. Here's my status:
- Temporary orders have been approved.
-AH just realized on Monday that divorce is happening and that there is no hope for reconciliation in the near future.
-AH still claims to not know why I filed for divorce except that "you are unhappy". No more time to discuss that. We've spent years discussing that but the conversation made me so DEEPLY sad. He really can't believe right now that I am leaving because of his drinking and his drinking behavior. When I asked him what he would say to our son if he brings up AH's drinking, he said he would say that he drinks when he's upset with me. Deeeeep breath for me.
-Yesterday AH and I discussed the financial settlement and telling our son. AH is surprisingly generous (in my opinion) related to the financials. He is not requesting that I buy him out of our home equity at this point, but after our son graduates from high school. He said he wasn't even sure about taking half of everything else but I want to be reasonable or there will be significant resentment at some point and I don't want that to affect our son. I'm thinking that not quite half of everything is fair considering his unwillingness to address his issues. However, I feel fortunate that right now it looks like we won't be fighting over money.
-I still haven't been to Alanon because I am a wimp and I'm procrastinating.
-We are telling our son on Thursday after school. THIS is the most stressful part of all of it for me.
-AH is staying in our home right now while he looks for an apartment in a nearby town. He says he will be leaving on Monday.

I'm ready for this week and weekend to be history. Thank you all for listening.

qtpi

Hello Classmates-
It certainly is a learning experience!
My divorce came through. I am officially divorced- Yay!
I put a call to my lawyer to find out about the next steps.

I am having a crisis in confidence about my lawyer. I had interviewed some and I liked her the best. But there have been some missteps and errors and this concerns me. I still would like to continue with her but I need to be smart too- we are talking about my retirement here and it seems like everything should be straight-forward. There are no children to raise, and I have all the financial picture well-documented.

Problem is- how do I know who is a good lawyer and who isn't?

itsmepoppy

Count me among those who will be starting the separation process in 2017. I've just had enough. My AH's drinking problem started when he was in college a few years before we started dating. He kept it hidden for a long time until the amount he was drinking increased too much to hide anymore.
I won't go into a blow by blow of the last eight years of our marriage and the drunken episodes. It would be too much.
I've just hit a breaking point with the chaos. Along with a ton of pressure with work, a sibling who is going through a very serious legal battle right now, and still grieving the loss of my mother, I'm operating in a constant state of stress and tension. I don't have a supportive partner who is helping me shoulder the burden. I've got an AH who stays up all night drinking, trashing our home, spending our money on drunken Amazon sprees and picking fights he never remembers. It's just weird how when you've been living this way for so long, it's hard to see how messed up it is. I finally got zapped back into reality on Friday night when AH was going into a drunken rant about how boring I am before he blacked out on the floor. 10 minutes later, I found 14 mini bottles of liquor stashed in his work bag which he had probably bought to hide around our apartment and drink throughout the weekend. As I was pouring them down the sink and realizing this had all gone down before 8pm, I realized I was finally done and ready to set the wheels in motion to leave.
Right now I'm just trying to organize everything and come up with a plan. I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting on Friday. My first one in a long time but it feels like the right thing to do at the moment. Either this week or next, I'm going to talk to my boss about an offer I had received a while back to relocate full time to our office in LA. It would be a big change but everything needs to change right now.
So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.

Westexy

Congratulations qtpi!

And welcome poppy! So many things in your post struck a chord with me, but one in particular is a trigger - the word "boring".

My AH called me boring so many times when he was drunk and used some variations as well like "You're so stupid that you're boring" . Well, I am so ready to be so boring for a nice long time. I honestly can't wait.

thousandwords53

Bring on the Boring!! Lol
Another fuddy duddy here excited for peace and quiet.

dandylion

qtpi....some lawyers work with Certified Financial Planners that they consult with and refer their clients to...maybe you could find one of them....
I happen to know about this, because my husband was a finamcial planner, ato one time....

itsmepoppy

Yes!! 'Boring' is like his go-to takedown lately. The other day when he was in fight mode he said "Go on and leave. I'm sure you'll marry a boring guy and live in a boring house and live a boring life!" Uh that sounds better than living a life where I get woken up at 3:30am to pounding on the front door because AH lost his keys, wallet and cellphone walking home from a bar at 2am and blacked out for an hour and a half in tall grass by the side of the road. I'm looking forward to never dealing with stuff like that anymore!

Westexy

This reminds me of a time when AH and I were having an intense discussion about his hurtful behavior and he said something like "You have to take the bad with the good. Without me you wouldn't have had that delicious chicken I made for you the other night." I just thought, "I rather have a bologna sandwich with a sober person."

sauerkraut

Wow; so much going on, so much progress.

Westexy: don't expect your STBXAH's "confusion" about why you're splitting to clear up anytime soon. I left 14 months ago and my STBXAH still hasn't acknowledged that his alcoholism was the insurmountable problem. And he's still drinking. I'll be beaming you warm, positive thoughts tomorrow afternoon when you give your son the news. And I can say, from the other side, that my children and I have had more good times together in the year since I left their dad than we did in at least the 5 years previous. I still marvel at how nice it feels to live in a home without tension, to sit at the table after dinner and talk, and to play games or read or do homework without the constant stress of our old house.

Poppy: I feel for you. So many of us here have been in your shoes. The "boring" criticism reminds me of my STBXAH's accusation that I read too much. lol. It happens to be my job as well as my passion, and not something for which I feel the need to apologize. Yep; boring sounds about right.

And qtpi: congratulations! I'm envious. It's been 14 months and my progress is a crawl. Currently litigating ongoing sobriety monitoring, about which I posted separately. How are you feeling?

dandylion

Westexy....I think you story belongs on the Quackers thread!!

I'm still laughing....th at must have been some powerfully wonderful chicken.....

FeelingGreat

^^^^^^and Poppy I think you'll love Quackers thread too. You certainly have some gems to contribute. Imagine not appreciating the sheer excitement of losing wallet, phone and keys!

itsmepoppy

Sauerkraut: it drives me bonkers when they criticize totally healthy interests like reading. Last summer I got into hiking on the weekends as a way to escape the depressing scene at home. After a few weeks of that, I got "you like being outside way too much". Lol okay sure. I'm such a monster for enjoying fresh air and sunshine.

Zircon

Hi,
I thought I'd add my two cents to this post. I'm not sure I should be posting on this thread. I filed for divorce in 2016, but am finally getting a final hearing March 2017.
It's been a long road. My AH and I were married 11 years, together 13. I knew he drank, but he never appeared drunk, or was nasty.
The last 2 years of our marriage, my AH changed. His drinking escalated. He became a very abuse man, and his anger became rage. My AH clearly stated he had no intentions of giving up his bottle.
To make a long story short, I moved out of our home.
My AH was unreasonable during mediation. He doesn't want to split our assets. My AH wants it all.
My AH continues to drink and has moved on and is with another woman.
I am on the home stretch!! It's been a very difficult year for me, but hopefully it will be in its final stages in March!!!
I like the statement, Nothing Changes, unless you change things, I thing that's how it goes.
My life has changed for the better because I made changes!!!!

SoloMio

So, here's my progress so far:

I have a page in my planning notebook called Class of 2017 (which is cryptic enough that he'll have no idea what it is). I've made a list of all the "must have" things to take with me so packing will be easier and I'll have no decisions to make.

I've written out all my options on 3x5 index cards. My situation is a bit complex because my BIL lives next door and we are in the process of selling his house. AH is half owner of his brother's house and our house. So there were options that came out of that as well, like NOT sell BIL's house and have AH live there.

All my option cards have "Option X" then the description of the plan, then the advantages, then the risks associated with that option and the consequences of those risks. I also put the financial ramifications because no matter what, this won't be cheap for me.

So that's the "analysis" part--unfortunately I tend to get caught in the weeds, so it's important for me to step back now and let the universe speak to me. I was thinking of going to see my old therapist with my cards and have her help me think through the options.

In the meantime, I have to really work on detachment at home. Last night he pushed some MAJOR buttons that made me really angry and I had to leave the house--and I know I just set myself up for it. And most of his button-pushing was so OLD--stuff I've heard for YEARS, so why did I let it suck me in??? I just got so angry.

So.. I'm going to try to clear myself out of the house as much as I can. Every night I can go to AlAnon, or to my yoga class, or to a Buddhist meditation session near me. Last Saturday night, for the first time ever, I went to a movie by myself. Luckily, I have a lot of business travel for the next 6 weeks. I'll be out of the house almost every day except for Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Also, I've taken a stand on money spent on his medical bills. He's racked up $7k in medical bills that were unnecessary. It's a procedure that his doctor told him would not have to be repeated UNLESS he kept drinking. So for the last 3 years he's gone to have this procedure done. I told him I'm not paying for it anymore. He can have the notices from the hospital and he can deal with them. Not my problem.

LexieCat

Just a tip for Westexy (and, BTW, I think this thread is a GREAT idea), you might want to rethink pouring out the booze. It really doesn't accomplish anything. It's a control move that most of us have done, but it's not as if he can't/won't buy more, and however unpleasant it is for us, it IS his right to drink.

I hope he continues to be semi-reasonable through the divorce. Good luck with the conversation with your son. Just remember it will take him some time to process it, so don't take his initial reaction too much to heart.

CaptainM

Sauerkraut - I love that you're highlighting the progress because that is what we're all seeing. Even if it's baby steps.

Westexy - my STBXAH is also soooo confused about us splitting us. It has be to delusion and denial and just refusal to accept any part in our split. He's said repeatedly that it's all my doing. Riiiiiiiight.

Poppy - welcome!

My update is that I'm waiting for STBXAH to send his edits back to our property settlement agreement. If things go according to plan (Big IF!) our divorce could be finalized by mid to late March.

Separately, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will soon be a divorcee. Trust me, I know this is all for the best, and I am trying to see our marriage as one big huge learning experience and not a failure. But I'm afraid that I'll have a Scarlet Letter "D" on me. I'm only in my early 30s and hope to one day (when ready) get married again and start a family. Working on this in therapy - and not dating yet. I personally do not see anyone else's split up as a failure and am trying to remind myself that if someone has a problem with my past relationships then that person isn't right for me.

Westexy

Yes - like even, perhaps, increasing your contribution to your 401k. Last year when I received a salary increase, I upped my contribution to our 401k, thinking that was a very responsible, adult thing to do and I told my AH. Months later when he was drunk, he said "And I know what you're trying to do by increasing your 401k contribution! You know if you leave me I get half so don't think you're being so smart!"

Of course if I had been planning to leave him and I were the horrible person he says I am when he's drunk, that whole raise would have been going into my pocket or under the mattress. It's too much.

Westexy

Hi Lexie - I'm not the booze eliminator, but I can't remember who in the thread is.

LexieCat

Oopsie, sorry, that was meant for poppy, who was pouring out the mini bottles. My mistake.

itsmepoppy

No, I totally see that in hindsight. When I did it, I think I was mostly driven by frustration and just not wanting to see those things peppered around our home over the next couple of weeks. But I totally understand that in the grand scheme of things, it accomplishes nothing. If he doesn't already have reserves stashed elsewhere, he'll just buy more!