kel08

So i was doing really well and had 22 days under my belt. Amazing! Everything was getting better and my relationship has improved and I was happy with what I saw in the mirror and not feel shame and regret as a mother. Then yesterday I had a relapse, and I drank a bottle of wine last night after the kids went to bed. Today I am right back to the feelings of being such a failure. Yes nobody saw, I didn't do anything foolish, no harm done.But I know it was wrong, I know I shouldn't have and the 'what ifs' are drivng me crazy today and my anxiety is through the roof.

What if the kids woke up, what if I had done embarrasing stuff on facebook, or sent a stupid text,what if my bf called and knew I had been drinking after he told he another relapse and he is done, what if I smelt of wine at school drop off this morning. what if, what if, what if

The thing was I planned to have a glass after the kids fell asleep, and I ended up drinking it all. Maybe because I wanted to test out if I could stop? I really don't know. I went out and bought it, so I wanted it, mayne so I could have a glass like a normal person would? I felt so confident and had been 'playing the tape forward' and somehow my AV took over and told me this time I would be ok. IT LIED. because I sure as hell don't feel ok. I want to curl into a ball and hide from the world as I feel such a failure. I have no desire to drink today and to be honest I feel really afraid of myself, what happens if I buy another bottle this week? Is this just the after effects of the alcohol making me unsure of myself, I realise this is a critical point and I choose not to drink. I know it was wrong. I know its a slippery slope, and I suppose at least I am aware of that and not being led blindly into more alcohol today.

I'm just feeling so lost, scared, guilty and ashamed all over again. thanks for listening

MLD51

Sorry to hear you listened to your AV. That beast is a sneaky bugger, for sure.
As for how you are feeling today - Probably a combination of things. Yes, the alcohol itself is causing you anxiety, most likely. I was constantly anxious about almost everything while I was still drinking. I even got diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Lied to my therapist about my drinking. Took drugs that did very little good, because I was taking them with booze. Once I quit, I felt better RIGHT AWAY. Like in days. Made me realize a lot of my anxiety was purely chemical.

But also - you feel like a failure, because you were doing well and things were getting better. You are understandably angry with yourself, and scared. Playing the tape forward didn't work this time. Your efforts to make the AV shut up didn't work.

So - today, don't drink. Now you have been reminded what happens if you do. Do you have anyone sober you can call if you feel tempted again? Do you have any kind of support system? I don't know if you go to meetings or not, or are even interested. This is hard to do alone. I recommend at least having someone who is in recovery you can get ahold of if you feel like drinking. Or at least post here first.

Ariesagain

You made a mistake. It doesn't mean you have to repeat it, right?

A big part of how guilty and anxious you feel is due to the biochemical effects of alcohol. It makes you feel anxious and guilty...so you want to drink to relieve that emotion temporarily...then you feel worse. Vicious cycle.

You can't moderate, as everyone else here has tried and failed to do. It kicked your butt, but youcan choose to stop getting in the ring.

Now you know. Get up, dust yourself off, print your post out to read, and get on with it.

You can do this.

IronPhoenix

pick yourself up and get back on track. your AV will always be there waiting. Get some coping skills in place for when you feel it talking to you again.

Michael66

Hi Kel. I think lots of us have learned the hard way that 'I planned to have a glass' frequently doesn't work out that way for us. It's a hard lesson because many of us didn't want it to be true.

doggonecarl

That's the cycle you were in when you came to SR. You'd stop drinking for a while and convince yourself that you could moderate. And you'd try; then fail.

Let me ask, are you committed to never drinking again? Ever? Or is one part of you holding on the the dream of occasionally drinking?

Obviously your addiction wants to drink, and will try to convince you to. But the rational kel08...does she really want to quit? Because if you take drinking completely off the table as an option for stress, or problems, or celebrating, or sadness, or any other excuse, then you aren't giving you AV much to bargain with.

ReadyAtLast

I had to get rid of all alcohol in the house. That way when my son is in bed I can't be tempted. Of course I have to do more than that but if it's there it's just too easy for me to drink it.

gregknight

It's cliché but true for us alcoholics; one drink is too many and one hundred is not enough. Either or both of those truths. All my best for a fresh start.

EarlOfThrowaway

Kel, one of the mods had this in their signature a few days ago. It really stuck with me:

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou

We don't have to be defined by our mistakes, but we have to learn from them. Now you know better, you can do better, right?

TheScotchman

Thank you for sharing. I'm a new user, and only periodically sober (hopefully this time will stick), and I wish I could do something to help alleviate your guilt. I know that I can't, because I think that I've felt the same type of guilt, and it's a behemoth. Perhaps if I share my most embarrassing recent moment it will make you feel better about your relapse. I worked myself into a panic after my kid went to sleep a few months ago because I only had a few beers in the fridge (and they were leftover Michelob Ultras, gross). My wife was supposed to be home from work at about 9:00, which I knew would give me enough time to make it to the liquor store to buy my bottle of scotch. It hit 9:15, and she wasn't back. 9:30, still not home. The store was closing at 10. At about 9:50, I checked on my 3 year old (sleeping hard), and rushed down the road to the liquor store, leaving him alone in our home for about 5 minutes. I wanted the scotch so badly that I broke a HUGE personal rule of not leaving him alone. No matter how out he was, it was absolutely the worst decision I could have made. The frantic panic overwhelmed me, and it was one of the things that pushed me back to trying to get sober. I'm thankful that no harm came from your experience, and that none came from my horrible lapse of judgment, but if nothing else, I hope you know that you're not alone in making the wrong choice sometimes.

kel08

Thank you for all the responses. I know it is over with and whats done is done and I need to get back up. I will, today I know I am going to feel this way and I will lay in bed tonight with anxiety attacks ongoing through the night. Exactly what brought me here in the first place. I was fed up of that feeling and it was becoming more and more frequent. Maybe I didn't drink an excessive amount last night, and if I told anybody else they would wonder what the big deal is. But I know I cant drink....I know it, that's whats really infuriating me. I made a stupid decision and I did it sober, today I have chosen not to have a drink to deal with the anxiety I'm now having. So that is at least a positive. I'm not spiralling into a 3 days bender, I did wrong, now to get up and start day 1 again.

I really want this sobriety, I want it so badly and perhaps I had lapsed on my plan, and so I need to re evaluate that. I perhaps didn't understand the importance of keeping on track. Well, I certainly do now, so it wasn't a wasted relapse entirely. Clearly there was a reason I decided I could try a glass, there has to have been, when rationally I know its the worst decision in the world and I didn't work my plan properly.

Thanks again to all that reached out. I need to relook at what lead up to yesterday and find steps to have in place and a sober buddy seems a very very good idea right now.

Algorithm

This is actually good, that you know drinking was/is wrong for you. Add "drinking" to your personal list of things that you never do, because they are simply wrong, in the moral sense.

That's the thing with the "playing the tape" method. It is the oldest trick in the book, to be sure, but by playing the tape, you are saying that you abstain only if bad things happen, and asking the Beast (your addiction) "What if I drank? What then?"

It is an unprovable assertion that bad things will happen, so of course, the wily Beast then has only to convince you that bad things might not happen if you were to drink. You've set yourself up.

Better to focus on "never" than to ask the Beast "what if?"

You feel afraid because you believe that the presence of desire is the problem, and you are only safe when desire is absent. This is not necessarily the case, and that profound self-doubt is actually also your addictive voice, predicting and orchestrating another drunk.

"I have no desire to drink" is just the AV saying "you're safe for today, but you better hope that you don't have any desire to drink, because if you did, then you would drink."

It is no different than if it were whispering "Drink! It's good for you!"

You can stop it's schemes early in the chain, if you focus on never, and not on what if.

kel08

thank you so much for your insight. some really good points. I need to give the AV nothing to bargain with.I know I wont buy any more this week, this morning as I wrote the original post I was reeling from the night before. I managed to get some sleep and something to eat and my brain started to fire back up. This morning I was terrified I would lapse into a binge again, I didnt trust myself this morning. But after a serious talking to and staying on here most the day to help myself feel safe, I will not buy anymore, I need to review my plan and steps and I now realise I came across a trigger/habit/situation I hadn't prepared for. But I know better now, if I know better I can do better. This evening I am not frightened anymore, I have my strength back. I never want a day 1 again on SR