What is co dependency???
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What is co dependency???
I've seen it mentioned tonnes and looked it up but didn't get a satisfactory answer... so what do u guys know? ?? What is it... how do you know if you are co dependent. .. what can u do about it!
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Being addicted to the person who has the addiction is the way I usually look at it.
Person A has a relationship to person B. Person B is an alcoholic or addict and they do awful and rotten things to person A in the relationship, but person A cannot or will not detach from them.
Person A has a relationship to person B. Person B is an alcoholic or addict and they do awful and rotten things to person A in the relationship, but person A cannot or will not detach from them.
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Well, that is a very large question. Lots of info about co-dependency on the informational "stickies" at the top of the main page of this site.
On this site, which is a recovery site, I guess I would define co-dependency as being in a relationship with someone, could be family, could be a spouse or SO,. The SO has an addiction to drugs or alcohol. The co-dependent-you- helps the addict to continue the bad habit of choice by his/her behavior. Example: your sib is alcohol-dependent. You allow her to live with you after her spouse has booted her. She continues to drink. You continue to let her live with you, and maybe give her money when she needs some. She doesn't get better, you have a drunk on your hands, and you are probably pretty sick of it. But instead of kicking her out, you enable her by your behavior., because she is family, or because you don't want her to be homeless.
This rather unwieldy explanation aside, are you in a relationship in which you think you may be co-dependent?
On this site, which is a recovery site, I guess I would define co-dependency as being in a relationship with someone, could be family, could be a spouse or SO,. The SO has an addiction to drugs or alcohol. The co-dependent-you- helps the addict to continue the bad habit of choice by his/her behavior. Example: your sib is alcohol-dependent. You allow her to live with you after her spouse has booted her. She continues to drink. You continue to let her live with you, and maybe give her money when she needs some. She doesn't get better, you have a drunk on your hands, and you are probably pretty sick of it. But instead of kicking her out, you enable her by your behavior., because she is family, or because you don't want her to be homeless.
This rather unwieldy explanation aside, are you in a relationship in which you think you may be co-dependent?
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Originally Posted by NewRomanMan 
Being addicted to the person who has the addiction is the way I usually look at it.
Person A has a relationship to person B. Person B is an alcoholic or addict and they do awful and rotten things to person A in the relationship, but person A cannot or will not detach from them.
Person A has a relationship to person B. Person B is an alcoholic or addict and they do awful and rotten things to person A in the relationship, but person A cannot or will not detach from them.
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Join Date: May 2014
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A codependent has no concept of self outside of how others see them.
Their life may or may not revolve around an alcoholic, but usually it will revolve around constantly vying for the love and attention and affection of a person who is emotionally unavailable.
It may stem from early childhood programming - mother was a narcissist who couldn't love them, father walked out or was abusive, one or both was probably an alcoholic. Going in to adulthood, the person will seek out what they have been conditioned to expect as love - they will fixate on a person who ignores them or abuses them. That person tends to be an alcoholic, which is just perfect because we need someone who will put up with us and enable us.
So the codependent is the emotionally needy person who chases after the emotionally unavailable alcoholic and tries to fix them.
Their life may or may not revolve around an alcoholic, but usually it will revolve around constantly vying for the love and attention and affection of a person who is emotionally unavailable.
It may stem from early childhood programming - mother was a narcissist who couldn't love them, father walked out or was abusive, one or both was probably an alcoholic. Going in to adulthood, the person will seek out what they have been conditioned to expect as love - they will fixate on a person who ignores them or abuses them. That person tends to be an alcoholic, which is just perfect because we need someone who will put up with us and enable us.
So the codependent is the emotionally needy person who chases after the emotionally unavailable alcoholic and tries to fix them.
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The CoDa handbook makes for really interesting reading.
Not every codependent has been abused. Many come from dysfunction backgrounds where love was shown in unhealthy ways, or just not shown at all. My parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and created a toxic atmosphere with all their passive aggressive hating on each other and subsequent depressive states that meant they were emotionally unavailable to those kids they're sacrificing their lives for... althought their intentions were good (i understand that now), and it was kind of what people 'did' back then, it all made for a very confusing time and I developed some odd behaviours to protect myself, get love and affection (mostly inappropriate and from a scarily early age), and a deep seated notion of not-enoughness (ie never feeling that I was, or had, enough. I was clever and pretty and had friends. But to my mind I was not clever enough, or pretty enough, or likeable enough - and I worked so hard over compensating for these perceived failings and faults to make myself loveable, likeable, even just acceptable to others that I kinda lost track of who I was. Besides, it's was emotionally draining, and that's where the alcohol and other obsessive behaviours offered some perceived 'relief'. I was a people pleaser extraordinaire, and it was unsustainable. Sometimes unsustainable looked like rebellion, and resulted in some fairly dramatic 'eff you' moments, where I rejected others in a horrible way, rather than risk rejection myself.
Codependency is a painful place to get stuck. For me, the CoDa book really helped, and I went to a few CoDa meetings as well. I also found the MB book really useful, along with some inner-city healing work, which was really valuable. I still kinda hated that lost little ghost of myself in years past, and needed to find some love and compassion for her so that I could move on.
I still get attacks of not-enoughness and have to work at remembering what I've learned so that I don't keep repeating my old mistakes. But things can get so much better with some exploration and learning. The old anxiety no longer keeps me awake at night. I no longer need to plaster myself in makeup trying to hide ugliness that only I could see just to get out of the front door. I am no longer ultra defensive or predatory. I now have a wonderful relationship with my mum and my sibling. That's all evidence of healing, and I'm so grateful for that recovery.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Not every codependent has been abused. Many come from dysfunction backgrounds where love was shown in unhealthy ways, or just not shown at all. My parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and created a toxic atmosphere with all their passive aggressive hating on each other and subsequent depressive states that meant they were emotionally unavailable to those kids they're sacrificing their lives for... althought their intentions were good (i understand that now), and it was kind of what people 'did' back then, it all made for a very confusing time and I developed some odd behaviours to protect myself, get love and affection (mostly inappropriate and from a scarily early age), and a deep seated notion of not-enoughness (ie never feeling that I was, or had, enough. I was clever and pretty and had friends. But to my mind I was not clever enough, or pretty enough, or likeable enough - and I worked so hard over compensating for these perceived failings and faults to make myself loveable, likeable, even just acceptable to others that I kinda lost track of who I was. Besides, it's was emotionally draining, and that's where the alcohol and other obsessive behaviours offered some perceived 'relief'. I was a people pleaser extraordinaire, and it was unsustainable. Sometimes unsustainable looked like rebellion, and resulted in some fairly dramatic 'eff you' moments, where I rejected others in a horrible way, rather than risk rejection myself.
Codependency is a painful place to get stuck. For me, the CoDa book really helped, and I went to a few CoDa meetings as well. I also found the MB book really useful, along with some inner-city healing work, which was really valuable. I still kinda hated that lost little ghost of myself in years past, and needed to find some love and compassion for her so that I could move on.
I still get attacks of not-enoughness and have to work at remembering what I've learned so that I don't keep repeating my old mistakes. But things can get so much better with some exploration and learning. The old anxiety no longer keeps me awake at night. I no longer need to plaster myself in makeup trying to hide ugliness that only I could see just to get out of the front door. I am no longer ultra defensive or predatory. I now have a wonderful relationship with my mum and my sibling. That's all evidence of healing, and I'm so grateful for that recovery.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
A codependent has no concept of self outside of how others see them.
Their life may or may not revolve around an alcoholic, but usually it will revolve around constantly vying for the love and attention and affection of a person who is emotionally unavailable.
It may stem from early childhood programming - mother was a narcissist who couldn't love them, father walked out or was abusive, one or both was probably an alcoholic. Going in to adulthood, the person will seek out what they have been conditioned to expect as love - they will fixate on a person who ignores them or abuses them. That person tends to be an alcoholic, which is just perfect because we need someone who will put up with us and enable us.
So the codependent is the emotionally needy person who chases after the emotionally unavailable alcoholic and tries to fix them.
Their life may or may not revolve around an alcoholic, but usually it will revolve around constantly vying for the love and attention and affection of a person who is emotionally unavailable.
It may stem from early childhood programming - mother was a narcissist who couldn't love them, father walked out or was abusive, one or both was probably an alcoholic. Going in to adulthood, the person will seek out what they have been conditioned to expect as love - they will fixate on a person who ignores them or abuses them. That person tends to be an alcoholic, which is just perfect because we need someone who will put up with us and enable us.
So the codependent is the emotionally needy person who chases after the emotionally unavailable alcoholic and tries to fix them.
Except I don't think the other person needs to be an alcoholic or addict specifically (they may just be controlling or manipulative for example)
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
I was a people pleaser extraordinaire, and it was unsustainable. Sometimes unsustainable looked like rebellion, and resulted in some fairly dramatic 'eff you' moments, where I rejected others in a horrible way, rather than risk rejection myself.
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Originally Posted by Anna
Melody Beattie has written a couple of fantastic books on codependency:
Codependent No More
Codependent No More
Here's a little video about it where he cites some good examples… https://youtu.be/f04gGbc9DjI
He mentions another book there also- 'The Gift of Fear' which someone told me they want to lend to me, as an aside.
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Thank you so much for your answers.... a further question... can the person who is dominant, ie not the co dependent, fluctuate??? So sometimes they do not create the co dependent and other times they do... whether consciously or not? Or is that likely to be in the head of the code pendent as part of the issue????
How does one know if relationships are normal or code pendent, and if they are, how do you extrapolate whose fault it is!!!
Just trying to work things out....
I am defo a people pleaser to the point of exhaustion, and am trying to gather information on myself to facilitate change and stop myself getting so upset! And to stop myself attacking the drink to make it better. ...
Thank guys. ...
How does one know if relationships are normal or code pendent, and if they are, how do you extrapolate whose fault it is!!!
Just trying to work things out....
I am defo a people pleaser to the point of exhaustion, and am trying to gather information on myself to facilitate change and stop myself getting so upset! And to stop myself attacking the drink to make it better. ...
Thank guys. ...
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
The CoDa handbook makes for really interesting reading.
Not every codependent has been abused. Many come from dysfunction backgrounds where love was shown in unhealthy ways, or just not shown at all. My parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and created a toxic atmosphere with all their passive aggressive hating on each other and subsequent depressive states that meant they were emotionally unavailable to those kids they're sacrificing their lives for... althought their intentions were good (i understand that now), and it was kind of what people 'did' back then, it all made for a very confusing time and I developed some odd behaviours to protect myself, get love and affection (mostly inappropriate and from a scarily early age), and a deep seated notion of not-enoughness (ie never feeling that I was, or had, enough. I was clever and pretty and had friends. But to my mind I was not clever enough, or pretty enough, or likeable enough - and I worked so hard over compensating for these perceived failings and faults to make myself loveable, likeable, even just acceptable to others that I kinda lost track of who I was. Besides, it's was emotionally draining, and that's where the alcohol and other obsessive behaviours offered some perceived 'relief'. I was a people pleaser extraordinaire, and it was unsustainable. Sometimes unsustainable looked like rebellion, and resulted in some fairly dramatic 'eff you' moments, where I rejected others in a horrible way, rather than risk rejection myself.
Codependency is a painful place to get stuck. For me, the CoDa book really helped, and I went to a few CoDa meetings as well. I also found the MB book really useful, along with some inner-city healing work, which was really valuable. I still kinda hated that lost little ghost of myself in years past, and needed to find some love and compassion for her so that I could move on.
I still get attacks of not-enoughness and have to work at remembering what I've learned so that I don't keep repeating my old mistakes. But things can get so much better with some exploration and learning. The old anxiety no longer keeps me awake at night. I no longer need to plaster myself in makeup trying to hide ugliness that only I could see just to get out of the front door. I am no longer ultra defensive or predatory. I now have a wonderful relationship with my mum and my sibling. That's all evidence of healing, and I'm so grateful for that recovery.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Not every codependent has been abused. Many come from dysfunction backgrounds where love was shown in unhealthy ways, or just not shown at all. My parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and created a toxic atmosphere with all their passive aggressive hating on each other and subsequent depressive states that meant they were emotionally unavailable to those kids they're sacrificing their lives for... althought their intentions were good (i understand that now), and it was kind of what people 'did' back then, it all made for a very confusing time and I developed some odd behaviours to protect myself, get love and affection (mostly inappropriate and from a scarily early age), and a deep seated notion of not-enoughness (ie never feeling that I was, or had, enough. I was clever and pretty and had friends. But to my mind I was not clever enough, or pretty enough, or likeable enough - and I worked so hard over compensating for these perceived failings and faults to make myself loveable, likeable, even just acceptable to others that I kinda lost track of who I was. Besides, it's was emotionally draining, and that's where the alcohol and other obsessive behaviours offered some perceived 'relief'. I was a people pleaser extraordinaire, and it was unsustainable. Sometimes unsustainable looked like rebellion, and resulted in some fairly dramatic 'eff you' moments, where I rejected others in a horrible way, rather than risk rejection myself.
Codependency is a painful place to get stuck. For me, the CoDa book really helped, and I went to a few CoDa meetings as well. I also found the MB book really useful, along with some inner-city healing work, which was really valuable. I still kinda hated that lost little ghost of myself in years past, and needed to find some love and compassion for her so that I could move on.
I still get attacks of not-enoughness and have to work at remembering what I've learned so that I don't keep repeating my old mistakes. But things can get so much better with some exploration and learning. The old anxiety no longer keeps me awake at night. I no longer need to plaster myself in makeup trying to hide ugliness that only I could see just to get out of the front door. I am no longer ultra defensive or predatory. I now have a wonderful relationship with my mum and my sibling. That's all evidence of healing, and I'm so grateful for that recovery.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
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Until 3years ago,I was a co-dependant in a 10year relationship.Ours was a regular enough relationship for the 1st year,then after I was his live-in counsellor,physciatrist etc.He had many issues,all relating to his mother.He lived with her fulltime and still does.Anyone remember the Hitchcock film 'Pyscho'?Norman Bates?
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Originally Posted by MLD51
I could have written this. My parents were just pretty much absent. There was no abuse. Just benign neglect. My little girl self wanted so much to be noticed and loved - that little girl seeking love and approval stayed inside me as I grew, and kept seeking. In very unhealthy ways. Relationships with emotionally unavailable people. Even one abuser. An alcoholic or two. Basically anyone who would show me any shred of love or attention. Even if it was just for a night. I rejected men who actually loved me and cared for me. Self-sabotage at its finest. All because I wasn't good enough in my own eyes. Not deserving of or comfortable with a loving, supportive partner. I'm working hard on this, because I need to do it for me. Not to please anyone else.
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Originally Posted by enfinthechange
Thank you so much for your answers.... a further question... can the person who is dominant, ie not the co dependent, fluctuate??? So sometimes they do not create the co dependent and other times they do... whether consciously or not? Or is that likely to be in the head of the code pendent as part of the issue????
How does one know if relationships are normal or code pendent, and if they are, how do you extrapolate whose fault it is!!!
Just trying to work things out....
I am defo a people pleaser to the point of exhaustion, and am trying to gather information on myself to facilitate change and stop myself getting so upset! And to stop myself attacking the drink to make it better. ...
Thank guys. ...
How does one know if relationships are normal or code pendent, and if they are, how do you extrapolate whose fault it is!!!
Just trying to work things out....
I am defo a people pleaser to the point of exhaustion, and am trying to gather information on myself to facilitate change and stop myself getting so upset! And to stop myself attacking the drink to make it better. ...
Thank guys. ...
It's not so much a matter of extrapolating blame, the premise is that we cannot change another's behaviour only our reactions to them.
Much of the solution is about setting personal boundaries (afaik). It's a learning process. "To thyne own self be true"…
Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org… All the best.
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Thank you... I guess I'm just a bit spoilt and neurotic... but maybe I can improve myself and stop being so dependant on what my OH thinks , and what others perceive of me... to be myself would be good... but who the ÷€$£# am I really!!!!
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Originally Posted by enfinthechange
but who the ÷€$£# am I really!!!!
https://youtu.be/tf5nCPFBSHw
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