dadinneed

I'm new and don't know what to do...

My 28 yr daughter has had a heroin addiction for about 8 years. We knew she had been using drugs (pot, pills) but never in a million years thought it was heroin. Last year she married a GREAT guy, who was aware of her addiction and he told us what it was. Needless to say we were devastated but she was a "functioning" addict so we had hope that she'd be able to beat it. After all, how bad could she be if she could hold down a job and meet her responsibilities.

In May, she lost her job. Apparently the company she worked for had had enough...We all figured this would be a great time for her to go into rehab, which she agreed to do. After the 30 days she came out and looked and sounded wonderful! 3 days later, right back on the drugs.

Fast forward a month or so and she looks horrible. Lost tremendous amount of weight. You can't even talk to her.

Then one day she comes to the house and says she can't live like this anymore and wants to get clean. She needs to be drug free for 14 days in order to get this shot called vivitrol which will act as a blocker.

Well she makes the 14 days and gets the shot. We are all elated.

A couple of weeks go by and I get a call from her husband saying she relapsed. First question I have is how?? Doesn't the shot block the effect? Yes it does, but not all drugs..

Come to find out she's doing crack. One of her dealers talked her into it. She is supposedly using intermittently, maybe once a week, sometimes less but I don't believe it. She's taken credit card cash advances and owes $9,000. Can't be using just once a week and owe that much!

Fast forward to this week.. Her husband has left her. He feels she needs to be home with us. She's been using crack nearly every day now. She says she doesn't want to stop. Hates her life when she's sober. Would rather commit suicide.

The day before yesterday I gave her an ultimatum, she can stay with us but NO drugs or she has to get out. I found out yesterday that she used.

I don't know what to do... If I stick to my word and throw her out I'm afraid she'll die. If I don't throw her out and she continues to use, I'll die.

I'm so scared I can't breathe.

Maudcat

Don't let her live with you. I know it's hard, but don't do it. You can't save her. She has to do it. By letting her live with you, you are simply providing her a warm safe space to use.
You can state ultimatums until rapture. It won't do any good. She is doing what addicts do.
I would get her back into rehab if she will go, then walk away. Change the locks. Go no contact.
Again, you can't save her. I am so sorry for your pain and sadness. Addiction is the worst.

AnvilheadII

The day before yesterday I gave her an ultimatum, she can stay with us but NO drugs or she has to get out. I found out yesterday that she used.

I don't know what to do

you show that you mean what you say, and that you stand by your word.

this isn't your fight. she has had a lot of help, guidance and opportunities. she knows where to go and what to do when she's ready to quit.

it IS awful to witness. and i'm sorry. but you can't fix this.

NewRomanMan

Anvil and Cat are right. It's the hard sad truth of addiction. If they don't want to get clean and sober, no one can make them. It has to be their own choice. There simply is no way to keep someone who doesn't want to be sober, sober, barring putting them on a deserted island. Even then they might find a way to get high or drunk if they really want to.
None of this is your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't control it. It's not your fight.

Ann

Many times I allowed my addicted son to return home, with promises from him to stay clean and go to meetings. My husband gave him a job in his business so he could take time for therapy and daytime meetings. He stole from us and kept drugs and stolen goods in our home and put US at risk for being arrested for his crimes.

Each time he came home it ended badly, we always had to make him leave (he would stall and use ploys to remain and in the end we literally had to change the locks).

Dad, "WE" are not the answer. We are not the solution to their problem. The real help is out there when and if they are ready.

I often gave my son a meeting list for our city, it was a big city with lots of meetings each day all over town. I gave him a list of detoxes and Salvation Army Rehab programs that are long term, very good and absolutely free. These are the places that can help him...if he is willing. Even the men's shelters in the city had counselors who would help them get into a rehab anytime they became willing.

That was the real help. Most times my son refused it and chose to live on the street.

There came a time where I was the one who became sick, chasing him around and worrying night and day. I could not breathe either and it was killing me. Each time I asked him to leave I felt terrible...until I realized that it was he who got himself thrown out for disrespecting the house rules and all who lived there and for bringing drugs and stolen goods home.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and one day I handed my son's care over to God, asking Him to do for my son what I could not.

Meetings helped me regain my balance and sanity, CoDA and Al-anon were the ones I chose but Nar-anon and CR and others have been helpful to many here.

I can't make your choices for you, but I suggest you seek help through meetings or therapy or your church, anyplace where you can share your burden with people who truly understand.

I will keep your daughter in my prayers, and you and your family as I know how painful this is for everyone.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

dadinneed

I just want to thank all of you for your sound advice. These were things I knew deep down but I guess I was looking for someone to tell me what I wanted to hear. The reality is I can't do anything for her.
I told her about the responses here and she actually seemed happy that I was trying to get help for myself. I tried to tell her that her life is worth living and that she has the power to change anything she doesn't like in it. She has nothing to lose. I thought I might have gotten thru but not betting on it.
Tonight I go to my 1st Nar-anon meeting.
Tomorrow I drug test her.
Hopefully tomorrow night she'll still be able to stay home but if it comes out positive I'll throw her out.

Praying real hard.

Thank you all again and I'll keep you posted.

Ariesagain

Sending you sympathy and wishing you well.

atalose

That’s good you are willing to attend nar-anon. Keeping strong with your boundaries is extremely important.

As for drug testing her, addicts know how to play that game especially if she knows when the test is coming.

Using your own eyes and ears is how you will know that she is using. You see what you see and you know what you know don’t allow her to talk you out of either one of those things.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Dad, I am another parent of an addict (6 years of Hell) who had to learn the HARD way about keeping my boundaries. Our sons story is long and mine as well with many trips to rehab, relapse and recovery. I finally had enough of letting him back in the house after these jaunts into addiction in 2014. Since then, he has done it all. Homeless, program, couch surfing and bouts of good recovery. He now lives in a program which is faith based and so far is doing well, BUT what is most important is my relationship with him as an addict/recovering addict is better. I highly support your decision to stand by your boundaries. Your daughter will not seek recovery if she can keep doing drugs without consequences. Please read all of our stories, they are full of the experience, strength and hope to help you see that this disease affects one and all the same.
Hugs
TT

Bobbieka

Same. Parent of a heroin addict. Toughest part is he is the sweetest, most intelligent man I know when he is clean. Boundaries are important and she has to know you mean what you say. Learned the hard way here.

Hugs and prayers.

hopepraylove

I am so sorry to hear your story. It resonates with me deeply. My ex was a heroin addict, who turned to vivatrol in a desperate attempt to get sober. He too relapsed on crack, from there, it was a downward spiral. I eventually left him, he is still not sober. I pray for him to find peace and happiness. The best thing you can do for yourself is enforce and stick to realistic boundaries. If you say “no drugs when you live in my home,” and she uses…well, you have to stick with enforcing those boundaries. It is tough, but addiction is ruthless. Sending love and prayers your way.

JimC60

dadinneed,

You have found the right place and are making good decisions.

"Tonight I go to my 1st Nar-anon meeting."

Tonight I will go to about my 150th Nar-Anon meeting since discovering that my daughter is also a heroin addict. She relapsed about a year ago on crack - sound familiar? Clean again now for about 9-1/2 months - one day at a time.

This is what I hope and pray that you experience tonight......you will meet a group of non-judgmental, un-shockable people who have all walked in your shoes. You will not surprise them with your story. They have heard and or lived it all before - stealing, lying, jail, homelessness, car crashes, etc. They will not think less of you when you cry publicly, many consider tears to be therapeutic - they all understand because they have been there, done that and have the tee shirts.

Before the meeting, try to get their phone list and then pay attention during the meeting and mark a few people on the list that you think are compatible with you in case of mid-week crisis -- the people who "have what you want" -- do not hesitate to call, most will be glad to talk any time - others have done it for them in the past. Do not be offended by their laughter before and after the meeting - if we did not laugh our other option would be to cry.

Pay attention during the "Newcomer's Welcome." Do not feel pressured to share tonight if you are not up to it, the others will understand that also. Stick around for the "Meeting after the Meeting", this is where you will really get to know these folks who will become your second family, in some ways closer and more intimate than your "real" family. Don't forget to breathe.

Do not be afraid to find your recovery before your daughter finds hers. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it and you cannot Cure it.

This little anecdote captures the spirit of Nar-Anon and all of the 12 step fellowships:

"I told a person at work that my child was addicted to heroin; they told me that I must be a terrible person with no parenting skills.

I went to a Nar-Anon meeting and told a room full of total strangers that my child was a heroin addict; they gave me hugs and told me to keep coming back."

Keep coming back,

Jim

zoso77

Hey...

Slow down a bit. Take it easy. Take a couple of deep breaths. Try to ground yourself...

...OK?...

...OK.

Now, one of things you need to understand about heroin (and opiates in general) is it permanently alters the brain chemistry of the user. The allure of the drug is the person under the influence feels nothing...no pain...no discomfort...just this feeling of bliss...and when the high inevitably wears off, the only thing that matters to the user is getting back to that place, and they will do anything to get back there.

Even after the user successfully detoxes off of it, the brain remembers what it's like to be under the influence. And when the user's emotions are no longer attenuated...when all of those emotions and thoughts feel like they're cranked to about 140 dB...the brain's going, Psst...you can make this go away...you know how...just follow through...

And in no time, the user picks up, and the destructive cycle begins anew.

That, in a nutshell, is what you're up against, dadindeed. And for that, I am truly, truly sorry and sad for you.

As for what to do, Ann and ilovemysonjj have been on this merry-go-round a time or two (or a dozen). Their experience and their strength is an invaluable resource to you at this moment, so I would pay very close attention to what they share with you.

I know you're scared silly, man. But right now, you need your mind to be clear. There's no room for denial. There's no room for delusion. This is life-or-death. Learn what you're up against, and make the best decisions you can based on what you know to be true, not what you hope will happen.

Keep us posted, and please take advantage of the wisdom of our members. We've got your back.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Dad, just another thought for you. People DO recover when THEY are ready to. I keep that prayer in my heart for my son. Everything Zoso mentioned is so true, that allure will always be there for our addicts to opiates. BUT they can and do recover if they want it bad enough. They MUST be held accountable by God and society for their choices, so if your daughter wants to use, then let her go so she can suffer the consequences of her choices. So many addicts in recovery say they never found their sobriety until every last shred of any goodness or normalcy in their life was gone. As the parent, you have to give that gift to your child so they can have the opportunity to turn the corner. Keep posting and reading and sharing!
TT

Ann

Ditto to what TT said above. I have seen some of the most hopeless looking addicts recover and stay the course and live lives worth living again. I have seen the least likely to fail, fall hard and many times before they surrender. For the life of me, I do not know where the difference lies. But I do know it doesn't lie with me.

We never know how our children will turn out with their addiction, but we can pray and let the rest be between them and God.

My son knows he is loved, no matter what. That matters to me and lets me sleep nights.

Hugs