First post (I think)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 5
First post (I think)
I think I posted a few times a while back but don't recall my user name or what I posted. So starting fresh.
I've been a chronic drinker for 20 years, only pausing during pregnancies. But besides that, I drank every evening my adult life, usually alone, and only skipped a night occasionally if I was so sick from being hungover. Usually after waking up foggy, feeling achy and horrible about the night before, and swearing I was done drinking, I was able to do an about-face 6 hours later and start drinking again.
Jan. 1 I gave up drinking as part of a 30-day diet cleanse... I didn't drink for 2 weeks and felt great. I couldn't believe how lucid I was during the day. I didn't sleep very well but there's a distinct difference between waking up hungover and tired, and just waking up tired. I liked the latter.
Two weeks in I drank during a weekend gathering... felt cruddy for a couple of days. Quit again. Last weekend, I drank, and yesterday felt worse than ever. I think that's the "kindling" effect, right? I don't have an off switch once I start, but it seems each time I've resumed drinking this month after a few weeks off, the impact was much worse than before. I did not drink last night and despite having night sweats and waking up repeatedly, I still feel better today after horrible sleep than I ever did waking up from a drunken sleep.
It's just not worth it anymore. I feel like I've been in a 20-year depressed fog, just going through the motions. I have a great family and many blessings. I'm about to start a new career. I'm otherwise physically healthy and have so much to be grateful for.
Part of my problem is no one has ever called me out for my drinking. I kept waiting for it... not my husband or family or friends. I hide it well. I do most of my drinking in private. In public, I have an ability to talk and act sober even when I was plastered. I've had conversations and experiences that I don't remember and yet no one had a clue about the extent of my drinking. I guess I'm tired of waiting for someone to confront me or notice it. I'm confronting myself.
Over the years when I've been on a "this is it! I'm done" kick, I've come to this forum just to read. Your stories and encouragement have always inspired me. Thanks, everyone.
I've been a chronic drinker for 20 years, only pausing during pregnancies. But besides that, I drank every evening my adult life, usually alone, and only skipped a night occasionally if I was so sick from being hungover. Usually after waking up foggy, feeling achy and horrible about the night before, and swearing I was done drinking, I was able to do an about-face 6 hours later and start drinking again.
Jan. 1 I gave up drinking as part of a 30-day diet cleanse... I didn't drink for 2 weeks and felt great. I couldn't believe how lucid I was during the day. I didn't sleep very well but there's a distinct difference between waking up hungover and tired, and just waking up tired. I liked the latter.
Two weeks in I drank during a weekend gathering... felt cruddy for a couple of days. Quit again. Last weekend, I drank, and yesterday felt worse than ever. I think that's the "kindling" effect, right? I don't have an off switch once I start, but it seems each time I've resumed drinking this month after a few weeks off, the impact was much worse than before. I did not drink last night and despite having night sweats and waking up repeatedly, I still feel better today after horrible sleep than I ever did waking up from a drunken sleep.
It's just not worth it anymore. I feel like I've been in a 20-year depressed fog, just going through the motions. I have a great family and many blessings. I'm about to start a new career. I'm otherwise physically healthy and have so much to be grateful for.
Part of my problem is no one has ever called me out for my drinking. I kept waiting for it... not my husband or family or friends. I hide it well. I do most of my drinking in private. In public, I have an ability to talk and act sober even when I was plastered. I've had conversations and experiences that I don't remember and yet no one had a clue about the extent of my drinking. I guess I'm tired of waiting for someone to confront me or notice it. I'm confronting myself.
Over the years when I've been on a "this is it! I'm done" kick, I've come to this forum just to read. Your stories and encouragement have always inspired me. Thanks, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
In public, I have an ability to talk and act sober even when I was plastered. I've had conversations and experiences that I don't remember and yet no one had a clue about the extent of my drinking. I guess I'm tired of waiting for someone to confront me or notice it.
How do you know if no one says anything and you don't remember it? Not making light, just being direct. Denial is a huge, huge part of my addiction. My addiction wants me to think I'm getting away with something. My experience has been, both personal and with others, that your family/friends know much more than you perceive, or want to believe.
And really look at what you're saying: I'm going to keep doing something incredibly unhealthy and negative to myself (and probably to others) until someone tells me I need to stop. I know I should stop, but someone needs to tell me. Notice. Strange huh? Its like a blind spot where addiction is concerned. Do you steel just because you can get away with it? Do you cheat innocents just because no one calls you out on it? Probably not. There are rules. But my addict doesn't like rules...so they conveniently don't apply. And I don't think I'm alone here because many break the rules until the court system stops them.
I'm confronting myself.
Exactly. You are responsible for you. Period. I'll bet, if you're like me, you're really responsible in most other areas of your life. But with respect to my addiction I'm a juvenile delinquent.
Good luck.
How do you know if no one says anything and you don't remember it? Not making light, just being direct. Denial is a huge, huge part of my addiction. My addiction wants me to think I'm getting away with something. My experience has been, both personal and with others, that your family/friends know much more than you perceive, or want to believe.
And really look at what you're saying: I'm going to keep doing something incredibly unhealthy and negative to myself (and probably to others) until someone tells me I need to stop. I know I should stop, but someone needs to tell me. Notice. Strange huh? Its like a blind spot where addiction is concerned. Do you steel just because you can get away with it? Do you cheat innocents just because no one calls you out on it? Probably not. There are rules. But my addict doesn't like rules...so they conveniently don't apply. And I don't think I'm alone here because many break the rules until the court system stops them.
I'm confronting myself.
Exactly. You are responsible for you. Period. I'll bet, if you're like me, you're really responsible in most other areas of your life. But with respect to my addiction I'm a juvenile delinquent.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
Hi and welcome! You don't mention anything you might be doing differently. Personally quitting alone, by myself and with only on-line forum support would not be enough (though it might be for some people of course). You might consider AA or a SMART group or something similar if there are any in your neck of the woods.
Good luck with whatever approach you take!
Good luck with whatever approach you take!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Hi Linen
Considering I was an a;ll day everyday drinker it's odd that, until right at the very end, noone ever called me out either.
I thought at the time it was a testament to how well I held everything together...it's laughable now to think that...
I think now maybe it was an issue noone knew how to raise?
I too was waiting to be saved. I nearly killed myself waiting.
We can save ourselves
D
Considering I was an a;ll day everyday drinker it's odd that, until right at the very end, noone ever called me out either.
I thought at the time it was a testament to how well I held everything together...it's laughable now to think that...
I think now maybe it was an issue noone knew how to raise?
I too was waiting to be saved. I nearly killed myself waiting.
We can save ourselves
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 66
Welcome linen!
I was in the same boat as yourself and Dee74. Noone called me out either.
Not surprising, I hid all my alcohol in the toilet and in drink bottles so I could drink around the clock Also I isolated enough that I barely spoke to anyone apart from my partner face to face, unless it was at a pub where you could get away with being drunk.
I think the guy(s) at the bottle shop(s) knew though. Not too many reasons for being the first person they serve buying a cask of cheap red. Must be doing some serious cooking with that amount of wine
Congratulations on taking the reins back. You have so much ahead of you and I wish you all the best.
I was in the same boat as yourself and Dee74. Noone called me out either.
Not surprising, I hid all my alcohol in the toilet and in drink bottles so I could drink around the clock
Also I isolated enough that I barely spoke to anyone apart from my partner face to face, unless it was at a pub where you could get away with being drunk.I think the guy(s) at the bottle shop(s) knew though. Not too many reasons for being the first person they serve buying a cask of cheap red. Must be doing some serious cooking with that amount of wine
Congratulations on taking the reins back. You have so much ahead of you and I wish you all the best.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
Ditto, no one really called me out either. Some time after quitting I read some old letters between people I had known where they talked about it. Devastating. When I think about it I think some people wanted to talk about it but took their cue from me, which was basically denial.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi Linen! We're so glad to meet you. I'm happy you've made the decision to change your life - we know you can do it.
In the end, I drank all day - totally dependent on it. As Dee suggested, most likely people didn't know how to broach the subject of our drinking. What stopped me was a dui - and it should never have come to that. I'm glad you're taking action - there's plenty of encouragement & friendship to be had here at SR.
In the end, I drank all day - totally dependent on it. As Dee suggested, most likely people didn't know how to broach the subject of our drinking. What stopped me was a dui - and it should never have come to that. I'm glad you're taking action - there's plenty of encouragement & friendship to be had here at SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Hello linen,
no one every called me out either. Noticed my teenage son started to tell me days in advance when he was going to have friends over. Told myself he was being polite. Truth was he didn't want to be embarrassed by a sh#t faced father. My AV wouldn't let me see the truth. Took some sober time to see things as they really were. Welcome
no one every called me out either. Noticed my teenage son started to tell me days in advance when he was going to have friends over. Told myself he was being polite. Truth was he didn't want to be embarrassed by a sh#t faced father. My AV wouldn't let me see the truth. Took some sober time to see things as they really were. Welcome
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
