Toxic people
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Toxic people
Anyone deal with any toxic people? Family members, co-workers, bosses, acquaintances, etc? I've got a situation with someone that is eating me alive. I wouldn't bring this up but I could see myself getting drunk over this if I let it build. Something's got to give.
How do y'all deal with people like this?
How do y'all deal with people like this?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I had a sister in law who almost wrecked my business right at the time my wife was dying. It was an awful thing she did, something I would never do to family. In my book, you help your family, especially in times of need.
I found I was able to forgive her quite quickly, for my own peace of mind. She has never admitted any wrong doing, has just carried on like nothing happened. On that basis, she can never be trusted not to do something similar, so I kept her away from my children until they were grown up enough to take care of themselves, and I never let her get into a position where she can harm me or the children.
The forgiveness was important for me. I dont want her living in my head rent free
.
On other occasions I have had to look for my part in a situation and make amends for that. It may have no effect on the other party but again, it has left me able to forgive and be set free of the resentment. When I do that, the other person loses all power to make me miserable.
Hope that helps.
I found I was able to forgive her quite quickly, for my own peace of mind. She has never admitted any wrong doing, has just carried on like nothing happened. On that basis, she can never be trusted not to do something similar, so I kept her away from my children until they were grown up enough to take care of themselves, and I never let her get into a position where she can harm me or the children.
The forgiveness was important for me. I dont want her living in my head rent free
.On other occasions I have had to look for my part in a situation and make amends for that. It may have no effect on the other party but again, it has left me able to forgive and be set free of the resentment. When I do that, the other person loses all power to make me miserable.
Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midwest U.S.
Posts: 142
I used to drink AT (or about) plenty of toxic people in my life, especially in-laws and extended family members.
Sadly, the only choice I've had with some of them is to go no-contact for my own good (and the benefit of my recovery). I wish it would have been different but I really saw no other way.
If it's someone you can't just ignore or cut out of your life, it might ultimately serve you well to try and confront the problem in a positive way. Conflict isn't always a bad thing if it's managed well. Tough but needed sometimes.
ABW1
Sadly, the only choice I've had with some of them is to go no-contact for my own good (and the benefit of my recovery). I wish it would have been different but I really saw no other way.
If it's someone you can't just ignore or cut out of your life, it might ultimately serve you well to try and confront the problem in a positive way. Conflict isn't always a bad thing if it's managed well. Tough but needed sometimes.
ABW1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
I'm off work at the moment but I'm dreading going back as I have an ex there that harasses me relentlessly and my boss seems to pick on me a lot. I used to walk home and grab wine at the shop on the way with the intention of blotting out the stress.
I've just got back from my SMART meeting and this seemed to be a common theme today, how others can 'drive you to drink'. We were reminded that we can't control other people's feelings, thoughts or behaviours and we need to focus on our own wellbeing . So when I go back to work if someone makes my eye twitch I will practice zoning out and thinking of good things, and how important my sobriety is. I'm also going to walk a different way home and not take any money so I won't go to the shop!
I've just got back from my SMART meeting and this seemed to be a common theme today, how others can 'drive you to drink'. We were reminded that we can't control other people's feelings, thoughts or behaviours and we need to focus on our own wellbeing . So when I go back to work if someone makes my eye twitch I will practice zoning out and thinking of good things, and how important my sobriety is. I'm also going to walk a different way home and not take any money so I won't go to the shop!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
For sure. And I've had extensive experience dealing with my own toxicity...and the impact that has made on those around me.
I think you're working the program so you know resentments are the number 1 offender. Drinking over this won't solve anything...more than likely it will make things worse. This is an opportunity to try something new. If you have a sponsor, do a fourth step. The kicker is to really look at your side of this and make an amends where you can.
And as Gottalife says, you know what the person is capable of so protect yourself in the future. You need to let this current situation go however.
I think you're working the program so you know resentments are the number 1 offender. Drinking over this won't solve anything...more than likely it will make things worse. This is an opportunity to try something new. If you have a sponsor, do a fourth step. The kicker is to really look at your side of this and make an amends where you can.
And as Gottalife says, you know what the person is capable of so protect yourself in the future. You need to let this current situation go however.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I have said it often around here: I am ruthless about who gets my time and emotion. I simply do not allow anyone toxic, not trying to live their best life (whether they are an alcoholic or not) or not supportive to have a seat at my table.
Period.
If it is someone at work, I have learned to deal with them with detachment, looking at myself (BB, 4th ed paraphrase- when I am disturbed at someone or something, turn it back to me- what is it that I am doing wrong, etc, instead of them)....and ultimately, I have accepted that drinking or not is ALWAYS my choice. No one else's.
I am fortunate that my family, my boyfriend (also in recovery) and his family, as well as my awesome circle of friends are beyond completely supportive. I don't keep anyone around who isn't.
Sounds harsh, maybe, but my sobriety is the single most important thing to me. Full stop.
Period.
If it is someone at work, I have learned to deal with them with detachment, looking at myself (BB, 4th ed paraphrase- when I am disturbed at someone or something, turn it back to me- what is it that I am doing wrong, etc, instead of them)....and ultimately, I have accepted that drinking or not is ALWAYS my choice. No one else's.
I am fortunate that my family, my boyfriend (also in recovery) and his family, as well as my awesome circle of friends are beyond completely supportive. I don't keep anyone around who isn't.
Sounds harsh, maybe, but my sobriety is the single most important thing to me. Full stop.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Al-Anon has given me the tools to try to accept and ignore toxic people. I have come to see that unhappy people just want to spread it around. Life is too short to let unhappy, negative people into my head.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by bluedog97 
How do y'all deal with people like this?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 334
Such very good advice from everyone on dealing with encounters with toxic people.I was at my church,of all places,sitting quietly minding my own business after our service when a guy I don't particularly like proceeded to articulate his negative opinions on our leaders.This upset me quite abit at the time which was a fortnight ago and it has taken all this time to grasp that he is the one with the problem.That encounter ceartainly dented my feelings of well-being,which are brief during my recovery as it is!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I put family members/acquaintances and coworkers/bosses in two different categories. You can be pretty firm with friends and family, but I think you have to navigate a little more delicately in a professional setting.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by August252015
I have said it often around here: I am ruthless about who gets my time and emotion. I simply do not allow anyone toxic, not trying to live their best life (whether they are an alcoholic or not) or not supportive to have a seat at my table.
Period.
If it is someone at work, I have learned to deal with them with detachment, looking at myself (BB, 4th ed paraphrase- when I am disturbed at someone or something, turn it back to me- what is it that I am doing wrong, etc, instead of them)....and ultimately, I have accepted that drinking or not is ALWAYS my choice. No one else's.
I am fortunate that my family, my boyfriend (also in recovery) and his family, as well as my awesome circle of friends are beyond completely supportive. I don't keep anyone around who isn't.
Sounds harsh, maybe, but my sobriety is the single most important thing to me. Full stop.
Period.
If it is someone at work, I have learned to deal with them with detachment, looking at myself (BB, 4th ed paraphrase- when I am disturbed at someone or something, turn it back to me- what is it that I am doing wrong, etc, instead of them)....and ultimately, I have accepted that drinking or not is ALWAYS my choice. No one else's.
I am fortunate that my family, my boyfriend (also in recovery) and his family, as well as my awesome circle of friends are beyond completely supportive. I don't keep anyone around who isn't.
Sounds harsh, maybe, but my sobriety is the single most important thing to me. Full stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I'm really sorry you're still dealing with this bluedog.
I've probably said this before but if you can't cut them out of your life you're going to have to learn to react to them differently.
I found I could react to toxicity in ways that diminished me and made me more likely to drink, or I could react in ways which empowered me and made me stronger.
D
I've probably said this before but if you can't cut them out of your life you're going to have to learn to react to them differently.
I found I could react to toxicity in ways that diminished me and made me more likely to drink, or I could react in ways which empowered me and made me stronger.
D
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Thanks for the responses. This is a family issue. I can't even elaborate right now. I'm just so angry, and I have to deal with it.
The longer term goal is moving and cutting off contact with these people. But I'm not able to immediately do that. So I'm stuck right now. Staying sober is what I have to stay focused on.
It's so easy to give in and just get drunk when it seems everyone around you just wants to make you miserable. It's a shame it's next to impossible finding a support system. Thankful for SR.
The longer term goal is moving and cutting off contact with these people. But I'm not able to immediately do that. So I'm stuck right now. Staying sober is what I have to stay focused on.
It's so easy to give in and just get drunk when it seems everyone around you just wants to make you miserable. It's a shame it's next to impossible finding a support system. Thankful for SR.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
[QUOTE=bluedog97;6315023. It's a shame it's next to impossible finding a support system. Thankful for SR.[/QUOTE]
I don't buy that for a second. AA is very easy to find, and probably Alanon as well.
I don't buy that for a second. AA is very easy to find, and probably Alanon as well.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
It's so easy to give in and just get drunk when it seems everyone around you just wants to make you miserable.
I gave a lot of ammunition to toxic people just by staying drunk for a long as I did.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Yea Dee, I agree. It's how I've dealt and I guess it's made it worse, although I can't really see it right now. All I know is alcohol is keeping me stuck in a rut. I've got to break out. My AV tells me it helps the situation, of course.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi blue dog... I have empathy for you... I've dealt with many toxic people over the years and have seen the worst side of them... a side others are blind to and just think they are the most wonderful person in the world... I've had to bite my tongue so many times....mmmmmm.... but it wouldn't be right to burst their bubble just to be spiteful and tell them the truth about a matter... some info is not for sharing with others... but I've needed to not give headspace to certain things and certain people...I found out the hard way on that and paid dearly for it... for the reality is there are people who would hurt you because they have been hurt.. doesn't matter who hurt who first... hurting people hurt people and I've been wounded many times over... that can make you tough I suppose... but it could also make you jaded. Cynical. Hard. Cold. It could make you want to not feel... because feeling is just too much...these things can lead to addiction... we all know this too well... what's the answer?? Detach from it? Build healthy boundaries... don't let others cross yours... have a game plan for when they try... and headspace is perhaps the most common boundary that gets invaded...take charge of your own headspace... you are in command friend.
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