AceAshtonowens

Hi all,

Its the second day of my hangover after a 2 day binge on Alcohol and drugs.

I have a lot of personal things going on and I feel like life control is slowly slipping away from me. I sad part is, I know I will feel okay in a few days and forget how i feel now.

Thats always my pattern.

Drink - Hangover/Anxiety(3 days) - Feel Okay - Drink

This has been a weekly occurrence for years and I would like to get more of a handle on it but quitting completely.

I have been very upset today and over thinking my actions over the weekend, my failed relationship, my family issues and how everything just seems so hard right now.

I do have health anxiety which exasperates everything and right now my anxiety is through the roof.

I just feel like I want to run and not stop - Forrest Gump style

daisy1

I call it beer fear. It does wear off as you said, try and hold on to how it feels when it wears off and do something different to distract you from buying more booze maybe?

AceAshtonowens

I don't think I will go anywhere near booze right now feeling the way I do, its more a battle with my emotions and the feeling of shame and feeling useless that is the hard part.

Im just beating myself up massively.

I just googled Beer Fear and it came up with an Urban Dictionary meaning that was spot on.

daisy1

It's feels real but try to tell yourself it isn't real, it's the alcohol making things so unbearable. There are loads of things that can help but time is what it takes really. Not long now and it will start to lift a bit.

Forward12

I would write down what you are feeling right now and keep a journal. I know I also would be on the same merry-go-round of binging, feeling like crap for days saying I wouldn't do that again, then a couple days later when I was feeling better, I was right back at it again.
Reminding yourself that if you pick up again, there's going to be serious consequence to it.

AceAshtonowens

Thanks guys, I definitely do need a reminder of the way that I feel right now as its the actual pits.

I will write down what I can and revert back to it when I feel better and think its okay to have a couple of beers.. its not.

I definitely feel like i'm on the brink of something serious. Very scary

Hevyn

Ace - Day 2 is very difficult. All the guilt & remorse hits us. Try to be kind and patient with yourself - we promise these feelings will ease up. You will reclaim your life & heal from this.

I like Forward12's idea of a journal. I wish I'd kept one.

DesertDawg

You know Ace, I'll bet that cycle describes more than half of the people here at some point or another, it certainly described me. It was easy to commit to quitting when I felt like hell because if the alcohol, but once that wears off and I felt good again...that was the hard part.

"I can handle just a couple, I'll just be careful to keep it under control, and shut myself off after 2 or 3. And I'll make sure I drink plenty of water so I won't be hungover...no problem, I got this!"

I never "had" it. What I had to learn to do is get it into my head that no matter my good intentions, once I got a "taste" of that alcohol, the relaxation, the melting away of concerns, the "Well, if three drinks are good, five will be great!" rationalization (combined with the compromised judgment) things NEVER turned out well. I learned to "play the tape forward" so that I automatically associated the urge for a drink with the inevitable death-on-a-stick feeling of hangovers and, eventually, severe withdrawal. Now that feeling is all I can think about whenever I see a bottle of vodka. It has helped immensely.

Best of luck to you, Ace!

Dee74

Try and stay in the day - you'll drive yourself mad thinking about next week or next month or whatever.

All any of us can do is get through rhe day sober...then back up again the next day

A little despondency, fear even, is very very normal...but don't let it drag you back to where you don't want to be

I found comfort in normal things - comedies on TV, favorite music, even household chores can helped me 'stay in the day' and not leap ahead & freak out too much.

D

AceAshtonowens

You are absolutely right DesertDawg.

I guess the hard part is seeing everyone else doing the same thing and wondering why I feel so much worse than everyone else... and then feeling confused about wether or not I have a problem.

Being very new to SR, I have read a lot about not labelling yourself but more recognising you need to change in one way or another. I definitely have that feeling of wanting to change and to not keep repeating the repetitive cycle that I am currently repeating weekly but i'm still figuring out to what extent I need to change.

I definitely don't want to sound patronising to anyone on this tread but do others have this same feeling of not really knowing where they sit on the scale ? or then again is the scale black or white, on or off, all or nothing.

I am always confused by the above having to deal with a strong anxiety issue as well as a drinking issue. Its hard to decipher which is more prevalent on a day and then thinking that one leads to the other a vice versa

Dee74

Alcoholism/addiction is a weird thing in that we try so hard to convince ourselves we don't have it.

My drinking nearly killed me but I still was able to rationalise I was 'not that bad'...

I reckon an absolutely fundamental change for anyone who's found their way here to a recovery site is ...no more drinking. No matter what.

That may mean other changes to lifestyle, to how you deal with problems, or difficult situations or emotions, even how you cope with boredom.

In my opinion, & I've been both, thats the same if you're an all day every day drinker or the 6 pack Friday night drinker.

D

PhoenixJ

Prayers

hodor

Try to focus on what is common about your situation with others here, rather than trying to see where it differs. No situation will match up perfectly, however I certainly find commonality in things like the guilt/shame/remorse, the urges, the uncontrollable behaviour etc. This might help you decide whether you're more black or more white
For example I find an awful lot in common with a guy at my local AA meetings who was very close to physical death through alcohol consumption and who has suffered significant mental health issues as a result of it as well. I drank nowhere near as much as he did, nor did I suffer the level of physical damage, though I believe if I had kept up (and managed to live as long as him) I would have quite easily ended up in a similar place. His life situation is totally different to mine, but his thinking and rationalisation during his drinking was almost spot on to me.

Regarding the anxiety, I believe I have some base level of it regardless of drinking, but it is vastly amplified after drinking then stopping such as the day after. During drinking it tends to go away, which I guess is one of the reasons I drank all the time Meditation helps a lot with this, as does the 12 step work.

AceAshtonowens

Yes I do agree that I need to realise what I have in common with the people here at SR. I know that we are all different and have different patterns, cycles, urges etc and some of us can restrain and some cant.

I guess I am seeing similarities in myself and my brother who has a full blown alcohol problem and that is why i am here to try and change and break the cycle.

I am still today (Day 3 of hangover from binge) thinking that i am overreacting the whole situation and that my issue isn't as huge as I am making it out to be in my own head but as Dee has said, we all try and convince ourselves that we don't have a problem.

I do think that my anxiety about drinking (I am more anxious thinking about drinking than I am about not drinking if that makes sense) mixed with my health anxiety issue and mental state after drinking play a huge part in the person that I am post a drinking session.

I guess I wouldn't have to deal with these issues in the first place if I didnt drink to start with. Answering my own Qs - Sorry

Quit290117

Hi Ace

Your binging sounds similar to mine, feel rough for a few days, say never again then repeat. Best part of 18 years this has been my life if you can call that living. I don't know how to label myself, binge drinker or alcaholic but I do know I have a problem and the only solution is complete abstinence. Regarding your anxiety I do know that during the 10 weeks of soberiety I managed it reduced and I started to focus on things that I never could before. I think I started to feel like a 'normal person' and this was my downfall. Ended up binging the last one being Saturday night. More determined than ever now. Still suffering on day 2 feel absolutely drained and full of guilt remembering stuff from years ago and how alcahol has led me down a very different path to the one I wanted to walk. These feelings definatley reduced over my 10 weeks it's only now I realise how much. I hope you start to feel less anxious soon, stick with it and you will feel better. Be strong.

ElianL

If you suffer from anxiety then alcohol will relive it for a few hours then will intensify it for a day or days. People who do not suffer from anxiety will not have this problem. Therefore the only solution for self medicating anxiety is to tackle the anxiety without self medicating with alcohol. I am the same.

AceAshtonowens

Sorry to hear you have slipped but glad to hear how determined you are Quit290117.

I havent gone more than 3 weeks in 15+ years without alcohol so that is going to be my goal. 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 2 months etc.

I will just need to be cautious of feeling great again and falling back into the same routine/pattern as I am in right now.

ElianL - I know that exercise for me is a huge releiver of anxiety and i hope to focus a lot more on that rather than the other 'not so healthy' alternative.

Mountainmanbob

That will improve greatly if, you would join us and stay sober
Give it a (real) try -- it's so worth the fight.
M-Bob

theDipsomaniac