I've relapsed in my co-dependent recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 6
My son has been in and out of recovery since 5/15. He got a girl he met in rehab pregnant (with twins) when they walked out of rehab last spring.
I've tried to maintain a civil, respectful relationship with the family, but he and the girl cannot communicate without treating each other with complete disdain. Obviously they don't even know each other but despite that, there are two babies on the way. My son slipped up and was kicked out of an Oxford House and put himself into the Salvation Army because he doesn't trust himself in a less supervised setting. He has terrible anxiety and depression but has said some horrific things to this girl, including accusing her of sleeping around. I am heartbroken for everyone involved and now have a terrible relationship w these people because of the horrible things he has said to her. I know there are two sides to every story. I am embarrassed and broken.
I've tried to maintain a civil, respectful relationship with the family, but he and the girl cannot communicate without treating each other with complete disdain. Obviously they don't even know each other but despite that, there are two babies on the way. My son slipped up and was kicked out of an Oxford House and put himself into the Salvation Army because he doesn't trust himself in a less supervised setting. He has terrible anxiety and depression but has said some horrific things to this girl, including accusing her of sleeping around. I am heartbroken for everyone involved and now have a terrible relationship w these people because of the horrible things he has said to her. I know there are two sides to every story. I am embarrassed and broken.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Do you think it is possible for you to build a relationship with the girl's family that is separate from your son's? You surely know you cannot control his behavior, but you certainly have agency over your own. You should not have to suffer the consequences of your son's choices, nor should your future grandchildren.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 6
We all have decided that for everyone's sanity our family will stay out of the picture until the babies are born and a paternity test can be done. They are due any day. A few of our family members attended her shower and gave her generous gifts, so it wasn't always like this. I guess my most pressing question is whether I should apologize for my son' behavior. I'm quick to own my mistakes, but I'm not sure this one belongs to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 6
Thank you, sparklekitty,
Thanks exactly what I needed to hear. I spent my entire childhood being held accountable for my mother's happiness and quite honestly, I struggle every day to understand what is mine and what is someone else's. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
Thanks exactly what I needed to hear. I spent my entire childhood being held accountable for my mother's happiness and quite honestly, I struggle every day to understand what is mine and what is someone else's. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
tmm, SparkleKitty has given you great advice. I am very sorry that you are in this situation. The birth of the twins should be a wonderful time for you and your family. I do hope that you can forge a relationship with the baby's mother and her family, separate from your son's relationship. Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by tmm 
I spent my entire childhood being held accountable for my mother's happiness and quite honestly, I struggle every day to understand what is mine and what is someone else's.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 6
Ditto, SparkleKitty. Makes for a very confusing adult life. I've tried so hard not to be my mother I may have gone too far in the opposite direction.
My son has always been a gentle, quiet guy, so this revelation of another side of him that I never knew existed, really upended me. He spent years inside his head managing his feelings with drugs instead of reaching out for help. That's why we he is where he is today.
My son has always been a gentle, quiet guy, so this revelation of another side of him that I never knew existed, really upended me. He spent years inside his head managing his feelings with drugs instead of reaching out for help. That's why we he is where he is today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 6
I do too, Anna. Their daughter is in early recovery, too, so the whole situation is truly a mess. At the very least, these babies will have two sets of grandparents who will do their best with what they've been given.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
