InApickle

Just can't get past day 2!
I'm honestly starting to think I need to get a couple of years locked up in a 4 or 5 star prison.

Never been in trouble with the law before so not even sure how to get banged up!

daisy1

I used to date a prison officer - there is booze and hard drugs in all prisons and many a clean person ends up a worse addict when they are released!
I know you are kidding , have you spoken to anyone like your doctor about this?

InApickle

Not spoke to anyone about it to be honest! It's only been the last week where I have tried to stop for the first time in 35 years!
I guess I'm struggling with understanding how something like this has caught me in a trap.

I refuse to believe it has a hold on me and that gets me through day one, then the second day it's almost like a little voice goes off inside me and says ok you have proved you can do it now you can drink again!

I feel like I have entered into a full scale war with my demons for some reason (that I don't know why) for the first time in 35 years of drinking.
It's not like I have found a reason to stop, it's not like I have found the reason to start living life. actually it makes no sense at all because I have already lost absolutely everything and in all honesty should not be even typing this right now...

I don't have and can not talk to a doctor, I am not registered in the system!

Ps, I'm not even sure if I am even an alcoholic, I drink 6 pints of beer (4.8%) per night. But I have done this daily for 35 years...

This life thing is a right old battle ground, born to fight nothing more than yourself

thomas11

alcoholism is a formidable opponent and requires tremendous effort. The rewards are definitely worthwhile.

heartcore

Alcoholism is already a prison.

It's freedom you're after.

Fly N Buy

One program many follow explains that jails, institutions and death are truly what await alcoholics in active alcoholism.

I was unsure of many things and decided to go to AA meetings and hear other experiences - many share on the first two above. Drinking for over 35 years qualified me.

Welcome to SR and Hope - willingness is the key regardless of method. We can't wish is away.........

InApickle

I know if I can beat this then the outcome for my own life will be the same!

InApickle

But maybe I am struggling with being remembered as a person who put a couple of kids on this planet who drank themselves to death... I'm not totally sure to be honest, but that seems to be 80 % correct in my own mind... I guess I am fighting demons that will be left for them to deal with if I can not beat them myself... Yep I screwed up having kids...

Fly N Buy

We've all been In A pickle - few show up on a sobriety website on a winning streak. No one is is special in that regard; remarkable individual sober talents but all reduced to that feeling of helplessness, loneliness and lost.

Point is we became willing to get through a day or maybe an hour without drinking. That day turned into two - then a week then a month. A little sobriety helped to clear my head so the alcoholic thinking could shut up. I had lost my way not my soul.

No one can cajole another into willingness - we have to find that spark or moment when we've had enough. Here's an SR link to friends stories with a year or more of recovery and how they fight demons. Stories of Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

When I found out I wasn't so special but just another run of the mill drunk I found hope.

Algorithm

It's good that you recognize this. This is your Addictive Voice (AV). There is a voice in your head (in your mind's eye) that tells you to drink in various different ways, but you have never challenged it before.

If you learn to recognize that inner voice as “IT,” and not as “I,” and combine that with a personal commitment to lifetime abstinence, you can beat it.

Previously, you listened to your Addictive Voice as if it were your own voice, so there was no problem, and no cognition of it. Now, you've apparently decided to go against its wishes, and it is defending itself against your better judgment.

The downside for IT is that IT has been brought forth into consciousness, and it will be more difficult for IT to hide from you now. This is why IT says "you can drink" now, instead of "I can drink" now. Its cover has been blown.

Try saying this: "I will never drink again."

Listen for the echo. That echo is your enemy talking back to you. IT wants to drink, but in order to do so, it must first convince you to feed it.

Do you care what it wants?

If you don't care, you can walk free.

Forward12

You can start attending AA meetings which are free. Also you can contact the salvation army or other assistance programs which offer rehab services.

Grymt

I could have written that. My kids are doing ok. I don't want them to remember me as someone who died drinking. Also I want if they have drinking problems to remember me trying to show them it's possible to face all of lives problems sober. I'm not starting out on that journey. It's been quite a few years now since I had a drink BUT I'm only one drink away from being behind square one.

I only stay sober by not drinking. By not picking up that first drink.

As far as dealing with all the crap that life brings there are lots of options. First I had to make the sobriety choice a habit. 3 meetings a day for thirty days did that. Then regular counselling (joining this forum), learning how to practice mindful meditation(sat some free vipassana courses), learning how to prepare simple nutritious meals(books and practice), learning how to fall asleep (not fall unconscious). Basically all the basics for life support.

All journeys start with one step. If you take that first step you are one step closer. You're here now. That's a step. Take another..etc. You'll get it and you'll get there.

StartingOverNW

In patient rehab is similar in that you get separated from your life for a month or however long you go in for. It can be a helpful way to get through the first month and learn about yourself and addiction at the same time, depending on the program.

Natom

A mate of mine had a heroin addiction and ended up in a local prison on a 2 year stretch. He came out after a year having used more heroin in prison than he would have done outside. The problem with prison is the drugs are still there and have a stupidly high mark up. People get murdered in prison over £10 bags of heroin.

Natom

Dee74

Hi InAPickle

The trouble with jail or rehab is sooner or later you get set free and you have to learn to deal with life sober and be your own safeguard against drinking anyway.

Fortunately there no law that says you need to do that alone - there's tons of support here, and in meeting based recovery methods like AA SMART and LifeRing.

If you're prepared to work for it, and to call on your support when you need it, not after, I believe you can absolutely not only make day 3 sober, but be sober for good

D

wpainterw

Dependency on alcohol did me in. Help from others in recovery enabled me to form a plan leading to self reliance. I never went to prison to become dependent there. Dependent on gangs, bad food, cruel guards, heroin, alcohol, all available in a prison setting. Going to prison in order to achieve sobriety? Just piling one hell on another.

W.

thomas11

A guy I went to high school with posted on his facebook timeline that he is officially homeless. I think he has some mental health issues, but he is in dire straights and comes from a decent family. Quite honestly I thought his best option might be to get hauled into jail for awhile until he can get it sorted out. Homeless in Minnesota in January is not a good position to be in.

wpainterw

Who was it, Dicken's Scrooge, who said of the homeless and also inferentially of the alcoholic, "Are there no prisons, no workhouses?" Dickens himself had personal familiarity with prisons. And of course in England there was also for the mentally ill "Bedlam",where the insane were kept chained in their filth and spectators paid to jeer and laugh at them as they might do in a zoo or circus. Today's prisons now feature "only" violence, sexual predation, cruelty, drugs, alcohol or solitary confinement which brings on madness. Cruel and unusual punishment has become all too usual. So if a person is already in hell, prison is a good way to dig oneself into a deeper hell. That's one thing about hell. One can always go deeper.



W.

SnazzyDresser

InaPickle, I can identify with this feeling. My parents used to visit me for 3 or 4 days, and I would never ever drink while they were here because they're such teetotalers themselves, never have touched the stuff, very anti-alcohol. But then I'd go back to drinking after they left.

And I was almost ready to go live with them in Missouri for a month or two just to get going, which I couldn't seem to do all by myself. It reminds me of Odysseus having his men lash him to the mast to prevent being tempted by the calls of the Sirens.

Ultimately, SR got me back on the sober train, reading here and posting a lot. Like Dee said, if you can make 2 days, you can turn 2 into 3 and keep going, and SR can help you with that.

thomas11

Bill, history dictates that we owe a certain amount of respect to our critical thinkers, historians, and philosophers. But they do not live in our present times and we need new critical thinkers, historians and philosophers to digest what is currently going on. As much as I love a quote from Socrates....I also like men and women who can digest our current situation and offer solutions. If our leaders continue to look to the past, how do we move forward?