firstla2809

So today is day one for me for recovery & Im definitely feeling overwhelmed. I've known for years I've had a drinking problem ... a severe drinking problem actually. When I'd casually say something to friends/ family like "I know I'm an alcoholic" (kind of in a joking tone) they always made excuses like "no, you don't drink every morning to get through the day" "well, you like to drink, but it's not like you're hurting anyone" "well you never miss work because of it" & so on (validating my excessive drinking) The only one who agrees it's a REAL problem is my husband, although he never said much about it until I told him I need help.

So today we purged the house of alcohol & I'm promising myself I will never buy another drop again (I'm hoping I can stick to it). I never go to bars so that's a small plus, but the second I walk in the front door at the end of the day I typically open a bottle of wine and start drinking (often before even thinking about making dinner) and keep drinking (and opening more bottles) through the night ... every single night (I told you - severe). I'm tired of feeling sick everyday, of feeling guilty, of worrying what I texted/ posted on social media because when I was inebriated, what damage I'm doing not only to myself (and my body) but the damage to my husband & kids. But because when I'm home I feel the need to drink (and my husband works at nights so he can't be around to babysit me) so I'll have to relearn how to be at home alone and not have a drink in my hand. Any advice or tips/ tricks people have tried that worked?

Right now the only person I've said the phrase "I have a problem & I need help" to is my husband. I'm too embarrassed to say anything to my friends, family, therapist, doctor, etc. I know people say you'll fail without a good support team, but I don't know how or what to say! They'll figure it out very quickly since they won't see a wine glass in my hand or alcohol in the house (my house that is always overflowing with beer & wine 24/7). Also once I admit it to them it's REAL. I mean, I know it's real now, but I feel like I'll always be labeled ... or looked down apon.

I also suffer with anxiety, so I know part of the reason I'd drink heavily is to dull the anxiety of the day (which is actually counterproductive because when I sober up I have all new anxieties about what I've done/ said ... which then I drink to full that out & so on and so forth). I need a better way to manage my anxiety (med free - I had nasty reactions to anxiety meds) so any advice on maybe some natural supplements I can take to calm down?

I'm looking for any tips/ advice/ tricks that people have found useful.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed & I desperately don't want to revert back. I want to be a better mom, wife, friend, co-worker, employee & overall person. I can't be that person with alcohol in my life.

whopper

I take St. John's Wort. It is a natural herb sold in pill form at any pharmacy. The label says it is used for nervousness, restlessness. I buy the strongest dose, sold. It works quite well for me, it takes away my nervousness quite well and I highly recommend you try it.

Delilah1

Welcome to SR!! Congrats on your first day, it is the hardest one.

I could have written much of your post a little over a year ago. Wine was also my downfall, and I would come home from work and pour myself a glass right away.

I knew for a while that I had a drinking problem. I first joined SR back in 2012, and I had 90 days sober and then thought I would be able to moderate my drinking, that was a bad idea. I spent the next three years alternating between periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation. I finally had enough on NYE of 2015, I told myself I was done and I have not had a drop of alcohol since.

I also used to think that wine was a way to deal with my anxiety, or whatever current stressful situation was going on, but truthfully it just made it worse the next day when I was still anxious or stressed, and felt crappy on top of that. It was an awful cycle.

I spent lots of time reading and posting on SR. I journaled, went for walks, to yoga, I have been reading lots on mindfulness, and working really hard to stay in the present. I did not allow alcohol to be an option, and it gradually got easier. I love that you said "Day One of Recovery," shifting my focus to recovery from "I can't drink." Really helped a lot.

Two of the threads I have found most helpful are the 24 hour thread, I check in daily for accountability, and i have found it to be an incredibly supportive group of caring people from all around the world. Pop in and before long you will be checking to see how everyone's day is. We even have an upcoming wedding for two of our amazing 24 hour peeps.

Another group was the January 2016 class. It helped to have others at the same point on their recovery journey to check in with, celebrate with, gripe to, or reach out for support. You should think about joining the January 2017 thread, and even the February 2017 thread when it starts.

I am grateful for every sober minute, and I am definitely a better mom, wife, employee, friend, and person.

Glad you are here!
❤️Delilah

heartcore

Change the after work routine...sounds like you've got a super-supportive hubby. Take a long walk together right when you get home, or trade shoulder rubs while you catch up, or take a hot shower & get into your jammies.

The "getting home after a long day" was & is my only hard time of the day. Now, I take my dog for a long walk every day, then make supper or go out. But he expects that long-walk now (we've always done mornings, so this is a bonus-walk...lol). By the time we're done (rain or shine), I'm relaxed, & ready to move into the evening...

Sounds like you're sure. If you shift habits for just a couple weeks, fully & even through discomfort, everything changes...

Hang in there!!

PhoenixJ

Hello Firstla. You mention you have a partner, children, family and friends. Also a doctor and a therapist. Most importantly you have an awareness you know something is wrong. Also you mentioned anxiety. Your focus seems to be 'how will others see me if I come clean?'

I had a wife, family, friends, support and a career- a lovely home blah. I repeatedly tied to stop over years- with complete sincerity- 'to look normal, for my family'. I did not think I wanted to stop for me. I relied on others opinions to form an opinion of myself- because mine was so negative. All my family, friends, workmates- support- they all knew I drank. Now I have lost everything and so have begun to rebuild. For me- relying on me. No one else will if I do not. You have to stop drinking for you, otherwise all the other stuff goes. Honesty and real work is required. With me the drinking just masked the real issues. Before I was a dysfunctional drunk person. With sobriety I was still dysfunctional. I cannot continue my journey alone with logic and willpower- I need help- AA/SMART/therapist- most importantly, me.
Prayers to you, PJ.

Mentium

All the very best to you! Nothing much to add except that if the evenings are a problem in terms of filling the time, you might consider attending AA. That would kill two birds with one stone. Worth a try perhaps?

Done4today

Welcome Firstla, congrats on taking action. sobriety is possible for everyone. Devise a plan from the many programs available.

Good luck and keep coming back often. posting here will help relieve stress and give you ideas to help you stay sober.