Today I Gave Myself the Apology I Have Been Wanting from Everyone Else
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Today I Gave Myself the Apology I Have Been Wanting from Everyone Else
I posted a few days ago that I had reached my codependency bottom. I was really having a dark night of the soul. Thank you all for your love and support. Being middle aged, I have come to learn that as tough as those depressive, hollow, hopeless feelings are to go through, for me, they have ALWAYS marked a catalyst for major change in my life. It is in those lonely, dark moments when I have no other choice but to surrender and let the Universe take over and do its magic.
I had this "a ha" moment last night where everything that I was ever taught on this forum and through other venues to help codependents, clicked in for me. In my previous sad post, I remarked that I desperately wanted heartfelt apologies from others who had hurt me. Mike was "on point" when he said that you can't expect sincere apologies from toxic people. But I realized that I had the resources inside of me, to apologize to myself for thinking that I was "less than", that I needed everyone else to love and to approve of me to matter. I could apologize to myself for accepting unacceptable behavior from others and always looking to take the blame for that other person's behavior. I could apologize to myself for not protecting myself, like I would protect my own children. After I did that apology to myself, I felt the need to scrawl on a notebook. This is what "came out of me":
Today, 1/27/16 is the birth of assertive DD who no longer accepts abuse from anyone; who protects herself and her well-being. She has plenty of heavenly resources supporting her. She makes no apologies for being herself. She does own when she hurts another human being and makes amends. She is loving to herself and to her family. She is respectful to herself and to others. She doesn't need others to like her, only to respect her. She trusts the Universe to bring the right people into her life to teach and to be taught. She trusts the process. She loves life.
Honestly, I never concentrated on what I wrote, it just flowed out of me. Today is the New Moon, this weekend is the start of the Chinese lunar calendar, and for me, I am hoping I can remember to stay in this healthy mind and heartspace for the rest of my days on earth. I wanted to have it written down so that I always have it to reflect on and I hope it helps others who have been struggling as I have to grow and prosper.
I had this "a ha" moment last night where everything that I was ever taught on this forum and through other venues to help codependents, clicked in for me. In my previous sad post, I remarked that I desperately wanted heartfelt apologies from others who had hurt me. Mike was "on point" when he said that you can't expect sincere apologies from toxic people. But I realized that I had the resources inside of me, to apologize to myself for thinking that I was "less than", that I needed everyone else to love and to approve of me to matter. I could apologize to myself for accepting unacceptable behavior from others and always looking to take the blame for that other person's behavior. I could apologize to myself for not protecting myself, like I would protect my own children. After I did that apology to myself, I felt the need to scrawl on a notebook. This is what "came out of me":
Today, 1/27/16 is the birth of assertive DD who no longer accepts abuse from anyone; who protects herself and her well-being. She has plenty of heavenly resources supporting her. She makes no apologies for being herself. She does own when she hurts another human being and makes amends. She is loving to herself and to her family. She is respectful to herself and to others. She doesn't need others to like her, only to respect her. She trusts the Universe to bring the right people into her life to teach and to be taught. She trusts the process. She loves life.
Honestly, I never concentrated on what I wrote, it just flowed out of me. Today is the New Moon, this weekend is the start of the Chinese lunar calendar, and for me, I am hoping I can remember to stay in this healthy mind and heartspace for the rest of my days on earth. I wanted to have it written down so that I always have it to reflect on and I hope it helps others who have been struggling as I have to grow and prosper.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Beautiful! I love it when that last piece clicks together. Whether it's something significant in my life, a problem in a case I'm handling, or a crossword puzzle, there's something deeply satisfying about it--it makes me feel like I'm ready to take on the next challenge.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: MA
Posts: 157
Hello DD, I love what you wrote. I think it is a catalyst as we begin to recognize in maturity what misled us in our innocence. It's like becoming an edifice, a great pyramid and it was hard earned. Your giving me joy and it's inspiring .
. 
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What a wonderful post! I've had to learn every lesson the hard way, it's two steps forward and one step back. After going to rock bottom I "got it", and began clawing my way back. For me progress isn't feelings so much as not making the same mistake again. Thank you for your beautiful post.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
GUIDELINES FOR FAIRNESS AND INTIMACY
I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to say no.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.
I have the right to negotiate for change.
I have the right to change my mind or my plans.
I have a right to change my circumstances or course of action.
I have the right to have my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences, etc.
I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.
I have a right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.
I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else's problems.
I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone's bad behavior.
I have a right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.
I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive.
I have a right to occasionally be childlike and immature.
I have a right to complain about life's unfairness and injustices.
I have a right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.
I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.
I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.
I have a right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.
I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.
I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to say no.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.
I have the right to negotiate for change.
I have the right to change my mind or my plans.
I have a right to change my circumstances or course of action.
I have the right to have my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences, etc.
I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.
I have a right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.
I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else's problems.
I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone's bad behavior.
I have a right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.
I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive.
I have a right to occasionally be childlike and immature.
I have a right to complain about life's unfairness and injustices.
I have a right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.
I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.
I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.
I have a right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.
I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.
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