Therapy Questions/Comments/Opinions
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Therapy Questions/Comments/Opinions
So...I have had to add my children to my own insurance through my job which is much more expensive, especially for counseling. We are all three in counseling so just copays will be $40 a pop for each of us.
That being said, today I reached out to a place that provides service for women who have went through domestic violence, both physical or emotional abuse. The counseling will be free, and I feel they will be able to relate with what I am going through with the continued emotional wringer in trying to coparent with my X. While at the end my XAH was a physical with me, he is by no means a wife beater, and I kicked him out immediately. That was the end.
I am feeling apprehensive. I know it's not true, but I feel like I don't deserve this somehow, or that I will be taking up the time that someone going through so much more deserves instead of me.
I don't know. Just like I just told someone else, I am sure that I will feel better once I go, and this is something I have to do for myself. Has anyone else went through this type of place for services before?
That being said, today I reached out to a place that provides service for women who have went through domestic violence, both physical or emotional abuse. The counseling will be free, and I feel they will be able to relate with what I am going through with the continued emotional wringer in trying to coparent with my X. While at the end my XAH was a physical with me, he is by no means a wife beater, and I kicked him out immediately. That was the end.
I am feeling apprehensive. I know it's not true, but I feel like I don't deserve this somehow, or that I will be taking up the time that someone going through so much more deserves instead of me.
I don't know. Just like I just told someone else, I am sure that I will feel better once I go, and this is something I have to do for myself. Has anyone else went through this type of place for services before?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't have experience with this thing in particular, but I wanted to say, hopeful, you do not have to minimize your own experience based on how others may or may not perceive it.
Please do this thing for yourself. You will know soon enough if it is right for you, but there is literally no reason to deny yourself the opportunity to decide based on how YOU feel, rather than worrying about how others might feel. It's no one's business but your own.
Please do this thing for yourself. You will know soon enough if it is right for you, but there is literally no reason to deny yourself the opportunity to decide based on how YOU feel, rather than worrying about how others might feel. It's no one's business but your own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Long, long ago, with my then baby son, I left an addict who got physical with me (just once), though there had been considerable verbal abuse previously. I had nowhere to go & the police directed me to a domestic violence shelter/safe house. Like you, I felt like I didn't "qualify" for the services, because it had only happened once.
I ended up living there for 2 months. During that time I went back to college, did therapy & groups in the house, found childcare for my son, & found an apartment with another single mother to move to.
Isn't that the point of domestic violence services? To help you build your new life successfully, so you don't have to go back.
I'm sure all the counselors & workers who helped me felt satisfied & proud that I was successful with their help!
I went on to do much additional support work with survivors through my lifetime, & gave that love & care back to the world many-fold.
Interestingly, of all the women (with children) who passed through that house in the 2 months I lived there - every single one (besides myself) returned to her abuser. The horrific abuse in their relationships was so entrenched that they couldn't imagine another life at that point. I learned a lot from that experience, but one of the things I most valuably learned is that leaving right away when it starts means you don't find it familiar or comfortable, & that is a very good thing.
Receive & give, give & receive. It is just right for you to receive that particular care from people who specialize in it, for now...
I ended up living there for 2 months. During that time I went back to college, did therapy & groups in the house, found childcare for my son, & found an apartment with another single mother to move to.
Isn't that the point of domestic violence services? To help you build your new life successfully, so you don't have to go back.
I'm sure all the counselors & workers who helped me felt satisfied & proud that I was successful with their help!
I went on to do much additional support work with survivors through my lifetime, & gave that love & care back to the world many-fold.
Interestingly, of all the women (with children) who passed through that house in the 2 months I lived there - every single one (besides myself) returned to her abuser. The horrific abuse in their relationships was so entrenched that they couldn't imagine another life at that point. I learned a lot from that experience, but one of the things I most valuably learned is that leaving right away when it starts means you don't find it familiar or comfortable, & that is a very good thing.
Receive & give, give & receive. It is just right for you to receive that particular care from people who specialize in it, for now...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Seems to me that you are exactly the type of client they are meant to serve. I've worked with a lot of women who survived horrific abuse, and many of them have said the emotional abuse was harder to heal from. Someone subjected to physical abuse might experience more raw fear than survivors of other types of abuse, but all abuse is damaging to one's sense of self-worth and value and confidence.
Trust me, if they feel their services are not a good "fit" for you, they will refer you elsewhere.
Trust me, if they feel their services are not a good "fit" for you, they will refer you elsewhere.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Abuse is abuse is abuse. You and your girls have been through things no one should have to experience. I also have some trepidation about "taking advantage" of free services- Veteran's benefits for my health coverage, Legal Aid for my custody case and Medicaid for my sons. I always feel like there's someone else out there who needs/deserves them more. But without that kind of help, I wouldn't have attained the kind of healing that now allows me to live a full and productive life.
I have also given back when the opportunity arises, not financially but by volunteering my time. Not only in Al Anon, I also recently agreed to serve on the advisory board for our local Legal Aid office. That has helped me to know that I am "paying it forward" in a way. I know that you give a lot here on SR and in your Celebrate Recovery group. That counts, believe me.
You are worthy. Sending you lots of strength and healing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
They say in AA that anything you put in front of your recovery you will lose. Seems like this support is something that is critical to your recovery. Don't concern yourself about taking up time that others may need, take care of you and trust in Gods plan for you and your kids. I find great hope in seeing how people in recovery have found great amounts of peace and good things come around to finding them. It's nothing short of miraculous and it can happen to you too. Godspeed on your journey and you can do it! Prayers and love your way from this guy in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hopeful, I agree w/all those saying that you certainly DO deserve this help, equally as much as any other abuse survivor. During the time I was working thru my childhood SA issues, I used the free counseling of a local women's center and didn't struggle at all w/whether I "deserved" it. I had no insurance and there was simply no way I could have afforded to pay full price for a counselor/therapist.
If you continue to feel guilt or concern about being not as deserving as others might be, maybe you'd feel better if you plan a commitment at some point to giving back--a volunteer shift once a week/month or at a fundraiser, something of that sort. Maybe your mind would accept the help more easily if it's viewed as something that will be passed on, paid back? Having been the volunteer coordinator for a local race for a few years, I can tell you from experience that volunteers, especially committed, knowledgeable ones, are worth their weight in gold!
If you continue to feel guilt or concern about being not as deserving as others might be, maybe you'd feel better if you plan a commitment at some point to giving back--a volunteer shift once a week/month or at a fundraiser, something of that sort. Maybe your mind would accept the help more easily if it's viewed as something that will be passed on, paid back? Having been the volunteer coordinator for a local race for a few years, I can tell you from experience that volunteers, especially committed, knowledgeable ones, are worth their weight in gold!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hopeful, I used one of those organizations. One of my friends begged me to, and I told her I wasn't "really abused". In the intake interview I kept saying that I wasn't that bad and didn't want to waste their time. I had a home and my ex lived 1,000 miles away. I was "safe" and other people had bigger problems.
They felt differently...and it was a life-changer for me. The emotional abuse my boys and I endured was significant.
We all three went for about a year. I donated money because I could. And I'm holding in the back of my mind that one day I'll sponsor a fundraiser through my work connections to help them financially (when I'm ready to tell coworkers why I hold them dear, which isn't now, but it's getting closer).
These agencies do wonders and can really help.
Let them decide. Hugs to you.
They felt differently...and it was a life-changer for me. The emotional abuse my boys and I endured was significant.
We all three went for about a year. I donated money because I could. And I'm holding in the back of my mind that one day I'll sponsor a fundraiser through my work connections to help them financially (when I'm ready to tell coworkers why I hold them dear, which isn't now, but it's getting closer).
These agencies do wonders and can really help.
Let them decide. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I have a little experience with this format. My husband did sexually assault me (twice) when he was drinking and using cocaine. I reached out to domestic violence assistance to talk, and did try not a free domestic violence/shelter service - but did try a therapist who specialized in domestic abuse. And I also participated in a group for a short while with women who suffered abuse. The group was enlightening but my experiences were unlike theirs in that I was not in a longsuffering abusive relationship. My husband had always been loving and supportive, and these incidences were isolated and due to substances. MY suffering due to this was just as great as they had experienced and it was good to share my feelings of those events with women who understood. But I found that my healing was part recovery from the abuse and how it left me feeling, and then part completely unrelated. I didnt totally fit in, and while it helped me heal one part, I also needed more of a cognitive therapy to work on other personal issues, and even marriage counseling to work with my husband to restore our marriage.
I would try it, but make sure you have clarity and move on to other forms of help if it doesnt connect with you.
I wouldnt worry about the depth of abuse you suffered in relation to others. Its sort of like sharing here what experiences we have had. some have had much more, others much less. but we have all been affected in some way by abuse, alcoholism, or drug abuse.
I would try it, but make sure you have clarity and move on to other forms of help if it doesnt connect with you.
I wouldnt worry about the depth of abuse you suffered in relation to others. Its sort of like sharing here what experiences we have had. some have had much more, others much less. but we have all been affected in some way by abuse, alcoholism, or drug abuse.
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
So...I have had to add my children to my own insurance through my job which is much more expensive, especially for counseling. We are all three in counseling so just copays will be $40 a pop for each of us.
That being said, today I reached out to a place that provides service for women who have went through domestic violence, both physical or emotional abuse. The counseling will be free, and I feel they will be able to relate with what I am going through with the continued emotional wringer in trying to coparent with my X. While at the end my XAH was a physical with me, he is by no means a wife beater, and I kicked him out immediately. That was the end.
I am feeling apprehensive. I know it's not true, but I feel like I don't deserve this somehow, or that I will be taking up the time that someone going through so much more deserves instead of me.
I don't know. Just like I just told someone else, I am sure that I will feel better once I go, and this is something I have to do for myself. Has anyone else went through this type of place for services before?
That being said, today I reached out to a place that provides service for women who have went through domestic violence, both physical or emotional abuse. The counseling will be free, and I feel they will be able to relate with what I am going through with the continued emotional wringer in trying to coparent with my X. While at the end my XAH was a physical with me, he is by no means a wife beater, and I kicked him out immediately. That was the end.
I am feeling apprehensive. I know it's not true, but I feel like I don't deserve this somehow, or that I will be taking up the time that someone going through so much more deserves instead of me.
I don't know. Just like I just told someone else, I am sure that I will feel better once I go, and this is something I have to do for myself. Has anyone else went through this type of place for services before?
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