3 weeks on...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
3 weeks on...
Hi everyone,
It's now 3 weeks since my AH and I separated and he began his road to recovery.
He sends me a text message at the end of each week to update me on his progress. He is attending AA meetings - he has a favourite one but attends others too. He has a sponsor. He is eating well, is surprised at how well he is sleeping. Says he's coping better with difficult work situations. Is swimming daily and has been prescribed campral from GP to help with cravings. He expects to be taking this for a year.
Overall he sounds good and positive - very early days though.
I think the scare he had at new year and driving his adult daughter whilst under influence has really jolted him into action along with our separation.
During these 3 weeks I have been rebuilding my life slowly. Going to work, meeting friends/family for coffee/food/chat. Walking, reading, exercising etc
It's all helping but I feel quite heavy - maybe it feels life grief. I am full of sadness and quite anxious when I see or hear things of his that remind me of us and that I no longer have a husband or a marriage.
The thing is he may (or may not) really get into recovery and that is what I have wanted all along and when I begin to think this is sounding good and maybe if he can do this for a full year we might be in a posterior to discuss a reconciliation the. WHAM I remember the infidelity when he was on holiday with his daughter when we had only been married 6 months...
His twins' birthday is next week so he has let me know that he will be in my area then to see them and asked if I'd like to meet for a coffee.
I know it sounds reasonable but I fear it may just draw me back in and I am not on solid ground yet.
Why can't I say - you cheated on me and that is it - DONE.
I hear so much about getting the addict out of your life until they embrace recovery - which he is doing and also about forgiveness - that they did awful things whilst under influence and addiction was the driving force - these behaviours wouldn't be there if real recovery was being made.
What do you all think - all advice and thoughts VERY welcome .
It's now 3 weeks since my AH and I separated and he began his road to recovery.
He sends me a text message at the end of each week to update me on his progress. He is attending AA meetings - he has a favourite one but attends others too. He has a sponsor. He is eating well, is surprised at how well he is sleeping. Says he's coping better with difficult work situations. Is swimming daily and has been prescribed campral from GP to help with cravings. He expects to be taking this for a year.
Overall he sounds good and positive - very early days though.
I think the scare he had at new year and driving his adult daughter whilst under influence has really jolted him into action along with our separation.
During these 3 weeks I have been rebuilding my life slowly. Going to work, meeting friends/family for coffee/food/chat. Walking, reading, exercising etc
It's all helping but I feel quite heavy - maybe it feels life grief. I am full of sadness and quite anxious when I see or hear things of his that remind me of us and that I no longer have a husband or a marriage.
The thing is he may (or may not) really get into recovery and that is what I have wanted all along and when I begin to think this is sounding good and maybe if he can do this for a full year we might be in a posterior to discuss a reconciliation the. WHAM I remember the infidelity when he was on holiday with his daughter when we had only been married 6 months...
His twins' birthday is next week so he has let me know that he will be in my area then to see them and asked if I'd like to meet for a coffee.
I know it sounds reasonable but I fear it may just draw me back in and I am not on solid ground yet.
Why can't I say - you cheated on me and that is it - DONE.
I hear so much about getting the addict out of your life until they embrace recovery - which he is doing and also about forgiveness - that they did awful things whilst under influence and addiction was the driving force - these behaviours wouldn't be there if real recovery was being made.
What do you all think - all advice and thoughts VERY welcome .
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If I were you, I'd be taking a good long break in terms of contact. These weekly updates are already working on you, and he's been playing you for a very long time. He will tell you what he knows you want to hear. If you meet for coffee he will be on his best behavior and say all the right things.
I'd get some time and distance and think about how you really feel about everything. He can get sober if he wants to and you don't have to take him back. I think it will be much easier for you to be honest with yourself if you are listening to yourself and only yourself.
Just my opinion.
I'd get some time and distance and think about how you really feel about everything. He can get sober if he wants to and you don't have to take him back. I think it will be much easier for you to be honest with yourself if you are listening to yourself and only yourself.
Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Cheating and alcoholism are two separate things Hummer.
If you sober up a horse thief, you get a sober horse thief.
I find his years of lying to you as much or more a deal breaker than the drinking.
Lexie is right, he knows exactly how to "work" you and it doing quite effectively.
Lying, infidelity (repeated), and manipulation just don't sound like something
to grow old with.
At the very least, as Lexie suggests, tell him you want a No Contact period
so you can hear yourself instead of listening to him.
If you sober up a horse thief, you get a sober horse thief.
I find his years of lying to you as much or more a deal breaker than the drinking.
Lexie is right, he knows exactly how to "work" you and it doing quite effectively.
Lying, infidelity (repeated), and manipulation just don't sound like something
to grow old with.
At the very least, as Lexie suggests, tell him you want a No Contact period
so you can hear yourself instead of listening to him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Minimal to no contact would be wonderful, but I know it's difficult especially with children involved.
My husband and I have been separated for 9 months, and we have 3 children. It's difficult at times. He's been sober for 1 year, in individual therapy and group therapy.
I guess my advice would be - give it time, sit back and let everything unfold. More will probably be revealed. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing - work on yourself and move forward with your life. I write that advice with such ease, but I know it's challenging to do. I have stumbled plenty of times.
I would be careful of the come here, go away (the push-pull) from him during the separation. You're conflicted. He's conflicted. There's probably ambivalence with the marriage. It makes sense - alcoholism, dishonesty, infidelity. I get it. There's a lot to work through and it takes time to work through the layers of everything. Maybe, unhitch your wagon from his for a while, let him find his way and you find yours...and minimize your contact with him as much as possible for the moment? It'll keep you off the emotional roller coaster ride.
That's not to say you both won't find your way back to one another down the road. I understand it's complicated and recovery is difficult. It's not so straightforward. It takes time...
My husband and I have been separated for 9 months, and we have 3 children. It's difficult at times. He's been sober for 1 year, in individual therapy and group therapy.
I guess my advice would be - give it time, sit back and let everything unfold. More will probably be revealed. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing - work on yourself and move forward with your life. I write that advice with such ease, but I know it's challenging to do. I have stumbled plenty of times.
I would be careful of the come here, go away (the push-pull) from him during the separation. You're conflicted. He's conflicted. There's probably ambivalence with the marriage. It makes sense - alcoholism, dishonesty, infidelity. I get it. There's a lot to work through and it takes time to work through the layers of everything. Maybe, unhitch your wagon from his for a while, let him find his way and you find yours...and minimize your contact with him as much as possible for the moment? It'll keep you off the emotional roller coaster ride.
That's not to say you both won't find your way back to one another down the road. I understand it's complicated and recovery is difficult. It's not so straightforward. It takes time...
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Wow, this hits home from Hawkeye: "Lying, infidelity (repeated), and manipulation just don't sound like something to grow old with. "
As far as I know my stbxah did not cheat on me - but plenty of lying and manipulation. And that is absolutely not something I want to grow old with, drinking or not.
As far as I know my stbxah did not cheat on me - but plenty of lying and manipulation. And that is absolutely not something I want to grow old with, drinking or not.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 529
It is so hard especially at the start to be no contact but it gets easier- I have learned so much about myself and I have renewed confidence that I can take care of myself well after almost 8 months of no contact. I notice even going someplace we used to go together can trigger me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Thank you for the responses.
I'm wondering if the time might be approaching that I tell him that I know he was unfaithful to me on that holiday with his daughter a few years back. (6months into our marriage).
Anyone who has read my previous posts will also be aware that I discovered texts of a cosy/supportive nature from a a woman on his phone 2 years ago and a dating website open on his iPad 6 months prior to that - there may well be more but that's all I know for sure.
I really and honestly would not have had him down as a cheat at all - all of my friends and family say the same - he comes across as a doting husband and very much a family man...
I think this is more hurtful than the alcohol problem and all the lies and manipulation that accompanied that.
If I do tell him that I know then he may guess where the info came from thus incriminating step-daughter - although she believed that I already knew as that's what he told her.
It will also mean that I will probably have to get the legal proceedings (legal separation) underway as he won't be happy to just leave me time to heal if he knows I have no intention of going back to him.
I just thought I'd try to deal with it in stages but maybe I have to move on to next stage earlier than I'd anticipated - aaargh crappy situation all round.
I know lots of you can relate and while I'm sorry for that I'm also grateful for the support.
I'm wondering if the time might be approaching that I tell him that I know he was unfaithful to me on that holiday with his daughter a few years back. (6months into our marriage).
Anyone who has read my previous posts will also be aware that I discovered texts of a cosy/supportive nature from a a woman on his phone 2 years ago and a dating website open on his iPad 6 months prior to that - there may well be more but that's all I know for sure.
I really and honestly would not have had him down as a cheat at all - all of my friends and family say the same - he comes across as a doting husband and very much a family man...
I think this is more hurtful than the alcohol problem and all the lies and manipulation that accompanied that.
If I do tell him that I know then he may guess where the info came from thus incriminating step-daughter - although she believed that I already knew as that's what he told her.
It will also mean that I will probably have to get the legal proceedings (legal separation) underway as he won't be happy to just leave me time to heal if he knows I have no intention of going back to him.
I just thought I'd try to deal with it in stages but maybe I have to move on to next stage earlier than I'd anticipated - aaargh crappy situation all round.
I know lots of you can relate and while I'm sorry for that I'm also grateful for the support.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What's the point of telling him what you know? So he can talk his way out of it?
You know what you know--the whole point is to have some time to yourself to decide what YOU want to do.
Personally, I don't see any downside to a legal separation (assuming you discuss it first with a lawyer). It provides a certain amount of legal protection for you and will give you a jump on the divorce if you decide to go that route. If not, it certainly still sends him the message that you want to be left ALONE for a while.
You know what you know--the whole point is to have some time to yourself to decide what YOU want to do.
Personally, I don't see any downside to a legal separation (assuming you discuss it first with a lawyer). It provides a certain amount of legal protection for you and will give you a jump on the divorce if you decide to go that route. If not, it certainly still sends him the message that you want to be left ALONE for a while.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Peace has ended
So now He has begun texting me asking to come home to help me heal..! 
Says the sadness I am feeling is due to us being apart as he is feeling it too along with incredible guilt for his selfish drinking years. (He probably hasn't felt many emotions in the past as he would have drunk alcohol to suppress them).
He says that my anxiety is due to me suspecting that he may be drinking and assures me he absolutely is not and if I were to allow him to visit me I would see that he is absolutely on a new path and doesn't even want to drink.
How can I keep the infidelity a secret when I know it is what's causing me the anxiety now?
If I keep on telling him to leave me alone, he works harder on the recovery to win me back and I know it's the infidelity that prevents me from re-entering our marriage.
I really need to push forward but I'm not sure how?
Says the sadness I am feeling is due to us being apart as he is feeling it too along with incredible guilt for his selfish drinking years. (He probably hasn't felt many emotions in the past as he would have drunk alcohol to suppress them).
He says that my anxiety is due to me suspecting that he may be drinking and assures me he absolutely is not and if I were to allow him to visit me I would see that he is absolutely on a new path and doesn't even want to drink.
How can I keep the infidelity a secret when I know it is what's causing me the anxiety now?
If I keep on telling him to leave me alone, he works harder on the recovery to win me back and I know it's the infidelity that prevents me from re-entering our marriage.
I really need to push forward but I'm not sure how?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hummer, if you aren't willing to tell him how you know about his infidelities, then block his number and stop reading his texts. If he were actually in recovery, and not just white knuckling everything to eat you back, he would respect your space and request to be left alone, and that is the end of it. Badgering someone is not love or respect, it's just stalking.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can get an order requiring him not to contact you as part of a legal separation, most likely. And if he persists, you might qualify for a protective order of some kind--worth discussing with a lawyer.
If you give in to this, you will only make it that much harder for yourself.
If you give in to this, you will only make it that much harder for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Hummer 
If I keep on telling him to leave me alone, he works harder on the recovery to win me back
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
And once he HAS you back, all the recovery work will go out the window. Because he isn't doing it for himself, just to regain the status quo.
And the dance will keep going, and you will keep getting hurt.
If you want to clearly see how in recovery (or not) he is,
tell him you want to give you space for the next six months to work on your own healing.
Chances are, he'll get nasty and / or stop the facade pretty quick.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Hummer
S
How can I keep the infidelity a secret when I know it is what's causing me the anxiety now?
How can I keep the infidelity a secret when I know it is what's causing me the anxiety now?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
How can I keep the infidelity a secret when I know it is what's causing me the anxiety now?
What is your fear in NOT telling him how you feel?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Thank you Refiner for your post and ability to cut through the nonsense!
Yes, it's true that he is causing this anxiety.
Atalose, many thanks to you for the above and in answer to the question - my fear in NOT telling him is that he would believe I walked out of our marriage purely because of the alcohol issues and as he is finally (hopefully) working a recovery programme that wouldn't seem fair somehow as he's doing what I asked of him.
However, the infidelity has ruined any trust I had left...which wasn't much!
Like you say, he will deny and trivialise and I don't have the energy for the going round in circles.
I'm going to see what arises next and maybe send a message along the lines of what Refiner suggested to get him off my back while I get things in order.
Yes, it's true that he is causing this anxiety.
Atalose, many thanks to you for the above and in answer to the question - my fear in NOT telling him is that he would believe I walked out of our marriage purely because of the alcohol issues and as he is finally (hopefully) working a recovery programme that wouldn't seem fair somehow as he's doing what I asked of him.
However, the infidelity has ruined any trust I had left...which wasn't much!
Like you say, he will deny and trivialise and I don't have the energy for the going round in circles.
I'm going to see what arises next and maybe send a message along the lines of what Refiner suggested to get him off my back while I get things in order.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Hummer
I'm going to see what arises next and maybe send a message along the lines of what Refiner suggested to get him off my back while I get things in order.
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