Gnostiko

Hi everyone, I'm an alcoholic and I'm here for some help.

Please allow me to ramble my story for you.

I started drinking when I was a teenager; not habitually, but socially. I would go out at the weekend and drink with my friends in bars and nightclubs. But during the week and at home, I never drank. I didn't see the point. Come Monday I would be back at university or work as if nothing happened.

In 2010 I made the decision to deliberately start drinking at home because I was going through a bad breakup. I couldn't control my mental and emotional state sober and I remembered, for some bizarre reason, that drinking made me feel emotionless. This worked for a while in that I wasn't an unstable, gibbering, wreck 24/7 and I could perform relatively normally at work and social occasions.

Predictably, as you can imagine, it only got worse. Over the years, I went from a bottle of wine last me 3 days to 3 bottles last me one night. 750cl of hard liquor lasting a week to a liter barely lasting a day. I moved on to day drinking, and then eventually perpetual drunkenness. The first thing I did on waking was drink, the last thing I did before going to bed was drink.

Last year I was hospitalized with pancreatitis. When I was admitted the doctor said my blood alcohol level was 8 times over the legal limit and anyone else in my position would be drooling and unconscious. Riding the denial train, when I was discharged I asked the doc would could have caused it and she looked at me and said along the lines of 'it could be this or that, but it's probably due to how much you're drinking'. It should have, but my brief stay there had no affect on me.

I almost lost my job when I started blacking out at work. At first I was able to cover it up because no one could really confirm it was me, or where I'd disappeared to. Then I passed out in the company bathroom for two hours and my manager had to come fish me out. She told me if it was anyone else in my position I would have been 86'd straight out of the door, but because I was good at my job and everybody there liked me I was given the choice of either going to rehab or finding a new job. I decided to check myself into rehab.

After a rocky month and a half, I relapsed. The drugs and AA weren't helping. I didn't like the drugs because they either seemed to have no effect, or they made me extremely sluggish and lethargic. AA wasn't my gig because while it felt reassuring to know there were others out there who understand what I was going through and how I felt, it just like a group guilt trip and I found just talking didn't really help. It also didn't help that the girls I was living with were 24-hour party people.

I eventually lost my job. Then my father passed away; from dementia most likely aggravated by a lifetime of alcoholism. I thought I was going to go off the deep end, but something snapped in me. I realised I was sick of it all. Of having nothing greater to live for than scoring my fix every day. Sick of losing friends and family. Sick of that look of contempt and pity people give you. Sick of not being able to do things like drive. Apropos of nothing I decided to check into rehab again. I don't know why I did it, I knew the drugs and counselling would still be the same, so I decided the best approach for me would be to cut down, to try to taper. The results...were somewhat mixed.

The good news, I've gone from over a liter of vodka a day to 10 beers of bud lite a day. I switched to beer not only because it's what everyone recommends, but because I've always hated it - I hate the taste, I hate how gassy it makes me, and I dread to think of what it's doing to my waistline. I was hoping (with some success) that it would work as some kind of improv aversion therapy. I haven't touched a drop of the hard stuff since then. Not even wine, which I used to love. I can regularly go for over a half day now without needing to drink, while seven months ago even the thought of that would have filled me with dread. But still, it's not exactly ideal maintenance drinking every day, despite the fact that I'm drinking less actual alcohol.

Now, I'm ready to cross that final hurdle. I want to get clean and live a normal, happy life again.

But. There's always a but.

I have depression and anxiety, I'm not sure if that's what kicked off this cycle off abuse but when I go for inordinately long stretches of temporary sobriety I feel that screaming insanity at the back of my skull. I go from feeling the weight of world on my shoulders and wanting to claw my own eyes out screaming to feeling utterly apathetic, about everything. I used to have a lot of hobbies; watching movies, playing games, reading books, exercise, girls, cooking. Now I find it extremely difficult to derive any sense of pleasure from anything. Whether buzzed or sober, I would describe my perpetual mood as 'ARRRRGH!...meh'.

Is there any help?

Treerat66

I'll just point out alcohol is a depressant.

Welcome to SR.

Mentium

Welcome and stick around! You will see that underlying anxiety is a common theme here. People seem to tackle it in numerous ways. My own experience is that while booze suppresses anxiety while you are actually drinking, it becomes far worse when you wake up sober (or less drunk) the next morning. It is, I finally figured out, one of alcohol's cunning traps!

PhoenixJ

Secret knowledge - interesting name Gnostico. Not all that hard with booze. Yes of course there is help. I felt 'different' and that 'nobody knows the trouble I've seen'. Basically it was get into line Cinderella. That is me- not you. I felt numb- lonely, isolated. The point for me was- simply- drink and die. Stop drinking and learn how to live life on life's terms without a chemical reward or a way of numbing myself. I just wrote a masterpiece to share- but all of it wipwd. I got a full blood workup from my GP, manage depression, go to AA and SMART. There are good bits in both. I see a counsellor regularly to learn how to think/grow/cope and feel emotionally in a more mature manner and why I drank in the first place. SR is excellent as well. Remember HALTS. The 's' is for sad. It is a hard grind and connecting with feelings/emotions/maturing thoughts takes time and support.
Keep posting. Support to you. PJ.

Dee74

Hi Gnostiko - welcome

I know you'll find support here - and understanding too.

For severe debilitating anxiety I can only recommend you see a Dr or a therapist.

Throwing alcohol at the problem doesn't work (not even if it's beer).

Before long you not only have the anxiety that you starting drinking over, but an added anxiety of wanting/needing your fix of alcohol.

It's not pleasant to get sober and deal with stuff like this but it is possible - and you're not alone - there's a ton of help and empathy here

D

hodor

Welcome Gnostico!
One of the things I found was that I had to give up trying to manage the situation my way. I was trying all sorts, switching drinks (beer to wine to spirits and back again), mixing with drugs (to try and stop me drinking, a truly genius idea), abstaining then binging, lying to myself about my drinking, lying to others about my drinking, the list goes on. The management got so crazy that I started to lose track of which rules were where, why I was following some particular guideline that I'd made up in my head. It was truly making me mad and worst was I wasn't even able to see how mad I was becoming because I kept it all in my head.
The other thing regarding the emotions I found was that while I kept treating them myself, I was never actually experiencing any of them. I definitely know how you feel, the anxiety and the numbness. It did change for me, but I had to work to eliminate all of the things that I was doing to force the change, mostly substances. One way I tried to think about it was just purely logical, I'm a technical guy and I know I can't solve work problems if I don't eliminate the interference first. Let alone just smashing a whole bunch of interference in on top of it to mix it around
AA was what worked for me, but I had to get to a point where I wasn't trying to force it. I had to spend some time focussing on the common themes but not on the differences. Ultimately I had to give up either enjoying it or forcing the outcome to be the way I wanted. Now I actually do enjoy going as it keeps me sane

You are in the right place here, there is an enormous amount of support and experience. I wish you all the best.

SnazzyDresser

Hi, Gnostiko. Glad you made the SR scene.

aasharon90

Welcome..!!!!

Do you remember anything they taught you
while in rehab? Did they give you any materials
to take home with you? How long was your
rehab stay?

I often heard that once you try sober then
it screws up our drinking careers and it will
never be the same or like it was or use to be.

Rehab is like going to school to listen, learn,
absorb then apply what you've been taught
to all areas of your life and remain sober one
day at a time.

When we keep it to a day at a time then
it makes it easier to concentrate on what's
right in front of us instead of getting over
whelmed with what's down the road or what's
behind us.

We never know what the future holds
because its hasn't been written yet and
as far as yesterday, that's gone and we
will never see it again.

I spent 28 days in rehab via a family intervention
with a 6 week outpatient after care program attached
before completing it and released. That was back in
August 1990, some 26 yrs sober ago at the age of
30.

I took the knowledge taught to me about my
addiction and a program of recovery received
to embark on a journey in life remaining sober
each day with every step I took.

I had to learn balance in my everyday life
as a mom and wife as well as a pupil in recovery
learning healthier ways to live life without
alcohol.

I sat in a many many step meetings, big book
studies learning about the history of AA and
how this program helps many folks learn to
live a productive healthy happy honest life
clearing away the clutter of the past, learning
from it, learning about myself and how my
addiction affected others around me and so on.

Its a learning process that takes one day at
a time, the same amount of time I took when
I was drinking and destroying myself and life
because of this sickness, illness, disease affecting
me menatally, physically, emotionally, spiritually,
financially , socially and so on.

I was sick and tired of that rollercoaster
ride and needed to get off and needed help
in doing so because I wasn't able to do it
myself no matter how hard I tried.

When placing myself into the hands capable
of teaching me with willingness, openmindedness
and honest, then I was about to let go, surrender
and allow myself to receive lots of important
information to absorb and penetrate thru
that thick fog and begin to peel away the layers
of the past and begin to heal and see what's
right in front of me.

Once I saw the bright clear lights out
of the fog, then I began to understand
the strength and hold addiction had on
me and made a decision that I didn't want
that miserable life refunded back to me
and grabbed ahold of those who found
success in recovery and never let go until
I was strong and knowledgeable to continue
on my path by myself. Not alone but standing
on my own 2 feet.

In all of my 26 yrs sober, I never wanted
to return to my addiction because too many
folks have already went back out to test
their will to see if they can do some control
drinking to only come back to let me and
others know that alcohol and drugs are still
alive and continues to take souls down every
day.

For me, I say no thank you and am
very thankful and grateful for my
family getting me help when I wasn't
able to do it myself.

Surrender and acceptance equals
recovery success.

Keep Coming Back

Bird615

Welcome to SR, Gnostiko!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Gnostiko!!

Anna

Welcome, and I'm glad you posted.

I hope that you decide to stop drinking. It's likely your anxiety will improve when you are sober or at least you will be better able to cope with it.

january161992

there is a solution

meetings
sponsor
steps
service
higher power

catfish1836

I can relate very well w/ what you're going through Gnostiko. My story isn't much different from yours. Started drinking socially in my teens, Really started drinking hard at 20 and on Christmas day 2015 had my first pancreatitis attack and landed in the ER. Second attack a month later, third a month after that. The thing is is that the doctors never told me not to drink ever again, just to cut back. Well, for someone who drinks as heavily as I did cutting back was still much more excessive than your average drinker. Finally when I had my fourth attack in May I suffered through the pain at home and made my commitment to quit drinking as that was what was causing the pancreatitis attacks.

Then then anxiety started. Awful. The anxiety for me was just as bad if not worse than the alcohol withdraws. Constantly having panic attacks, I tell ya, there was nothing I could do to whip it. Just took time. Breathing. And, for me, focusing on things other than my sobriety. As strange as that sounds the more I would dwell on kicking the booze the more I would get anxious. I threw myself into my job, started running (very slowly and not very far), played around on the piano, anything to keep my mind off drinking. That worked for me, might not for you. Also for me was finding new patterns. I was used to stopping by the bar on my way home from work, so I took a new route home, brought my lunch instead of going out to a restaurant where I would be tempted early on. Again, changing patters and finding new habits (not addictions) was what helped me stay away from drinking and curb the anxiety.

It's worked for me for over 8 months now but it's still something I focus on daily. Not obsess over but focus on. 12 step programs didn't work for me, but there are elements to them that help me. It's about finding what works for you.

I lost my job, almost lost my family, lost a number of friends, ruined my finances and almost died (pancreatitis) because of drinking. you've got this and even by coming onto this forum you are making a positive step. I wish you luck.