HurricaneJ

New to this forum. Looking for some advice/ support.

I don’t even know where to start. I am in a complicated relationship with someone who is a newly recovering heroin addict.

He just got out of a 30 day inpatient following 3 months in jail where he got clean. He is now doing IOP/ Sober Living.

I don’t know how to explain it, but in sobriety he's different — not in a bad way necessarily, but he’s just not quite the same. Less reactive, less “on”, more reserved. While I feel like our relationship is better overall, and he’s more considerate of me and my feelings, I feel like he’s a little more distant. On top of that, I feel I’M the crazy one right now. On 2 different occasions this week, I have blown up at him over things he didn’t do (in my defense, I’m just going off what’s happened in the past and we have a lot of trust to rebuild).

Above all I can tell he’s overwhelmed, and he’s expressed this. I don’t know what to do. How do I support him?

I have been to Al-Anon, & I know I need to focus on me, but i’m just wondering if this gets better or if anyone has any advice.

Ann

Going to Al-anon was one of the best things you could do for yourself, it will help you find your balance again and decide whether to move forward in this relationship or call it a day.

As he moves forward in his recovery, he will likely continue to be testy and hopefully focused on what he needs to do to stay clean.

There are no pat answers for all this. If he can manage to continue his sobriety things will gradually get better. If he cannot, the circus comes to town once again.

Wishing you both well on your recovery paths.

atalose

Believe him that’s he’s overwhelmed and the more you seek reassurances of his commitment to you and this relationship the father away you will push him.

Keep going to al-anon and work on you! re-building trust does not come easily and takes a long time, a very long time. When we feel insecure we reach out for reassurances and often those reassurances are not something anyone in early recovery can give us in the way we often feel we need. That’s why it’s so important to work on you. Try asking yourself why your staying with someone you don’t feel you can trust.

AnvilheadII

your post doesn't say how long you two have been together....or what you have seen PRIOR to his current recovery. but believe me, kicking heroin in jail is no picnic, none at all. and it wasn't like JAIL was his CHOICE. it's good he got some time in inpatient recovery, so he could learn about his addiction and about the recovery process.

but as far as seeming distant? for him, it's like he got picked up and dropped off on a different planet......without a guidebook or a translator. it's ALL different for him now. just breathing sober breaths is new!!!

it's going to take a LOT MORE TIME to see if he can truly walk the sober walk and for him to even begin to feel somewhat secure in his recovery. the odds are still NOT in his favor.

i'd expect very little of him. i'd ask very little of him. you simply cannot be a priority for him right now. he is truly in a life and death struggle.

teatreeoil007

God bless you for what you're going through. I ain't easy....

Being newly clean-he is probably feeling like his brain is sort of scrambled right now. That could go on for a while. It takes awhile for the brain to readjust to functioning without the drug of choice. It's possible he needs as little stimulus as possible, so he may seek to be alone and doesn't want to be bothered....therefore, YOUR needs are not being met as you'd like and he just may not have it in him right to do that. Being 'distant', I'd say is pretty typical for someone newly clean. Try not to take any of it personal. It's not you....but the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. That will be best for you and best for your relationship. Yes, be there for him-that's good-try not to read into his being distant as something personal that you are doing 'right'.

HurricaneJ

Thank you all for your replies. I know the go-to response on all these boards is "focus on you", but I feel like I can take that to a different extent to the point where it's really not helpful. Like I can go to work, hang out with friends, etc. etc. and basically ignore him and then sort of forget how hard of a time he's having. I'll take such a step back from him that it can be mean to some extent. I'm good at detaching, just not necessarily detaching with love.

I'm also realizing I have so much resentment towards him. Like it's easy for me to want to leave him out of stuff and shut him out because of all the times he's hurt me. Now that he's a little more with it, I find myself just more and more angry at him. Like a part of me wants to hurt him for hurting me, especially now that he's feeling again.

This all makes me sound like a terrible person. I do care about him very much, but it's difficult.

teatreeoil007

Understand what you are saying... I think...

The more we love someone the deeper the pain? The more they can hurt us.... part of loving profoundly.... risky

atalose

How can NOT focusing on yourself NOT be helpful?

If you work a program like al-anon or go to counseling you might discover that all that anger and resentment in mostly inwards for reasons such as why did you remain in a relationship with someone who was causing you so much hurt and pain?

No one thinks you are a terrible person, resentment and anger hit all of us and working through those emotions can be a great journey of self-discovery.

Hechosedrugs

First of all, no one thinks you're a terrible person. We've all been there. You didn't give much background information, but if he was on heroin, I can only assume you put up with a LOT of deception, betrayal, and most likely theft. I don't know this for sure, of course, so I apologize if I'm way off.

Many of us have found anger was a necessary emotion to take back out lives. And whether or not you choose to be with him, that's what you'll have to do.

Sure, you can "take that to a different extent to the point where it's really not helpful". I don't find that very likely, though, as you seem pretty concerned about his recovery and how he feels. I think you're a little more likely to take it to the extreme in the opposite direction- as in, letting him hurt and betray you all over again. Because it almost seems like you're associating going to work and hanging out with friends- things that are necessary not only for your mental well-being but for survival- with ignoring him. Again, I could be way off. Feel free to disregard this entire post.

Anyway, I hope you find peace in your situation soon.

All the best.

darkling

^ ^ ^ This is me! ^ ^ ^

It's not just about me and it's not me ignoring my AH. Me living my life - work, friends, etc - shows both me and him that I am ok. I don't need him to be strong, etc for me. I want him to be strong, etc for himself.
It takes some pressure off both of us. It gives us each space to build relationships with other people - program friends and more.

This is where learning to communicate better comes in for us.
No more trying to read minds. To use your example: if he resents me being out with friends so much, our agreement is to say something. "Can the just two of us hang out tomorrow night and watch Netflix? I'd like to spend more time with you." It's important to know that just because it's asked for, that doesn't mean the answer will always be yes. "Tomorrow night I'm hangin' with my sponsor after the meeting. How about Thursday? I'll buy the pizza!"

This goes both ways!

NO, you are not a terrible person.
YES, keep going to Al-anon on a regular basis, it can get alot better!
YES, this is beyond difficult, especially when first starting. It's learning a new skill and like anything else, it's gonna take practice.

As for detaching with love . . . detaching is something I try to do for myself because I care about how I feel. I have to love myself before I can really love anyone else . . .

Zeppelin92

! Same things and feelings happening to me right now. Hes got about four 90+ days clean and sober. But same feelings you are going through. You are not crazy.