Boyfriend Distant in Recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
Boyfriend Distant in Recovery?
I don’t even know where to start. I am in a complicated relationship with someone who is a newly recovering heroin addict.
He just got out of a 30 day inpatient following 3 months in jail where he got clean. He is now doing IOP/ Sober Living.
I don’t know how to explain it, but in sobriety he's different — not in a bad way necessarily, but he’s just not quite the same. Less reactive, less “on”, more reserved. While I feel like our relationship is better overall, and he’s more considerate of me and my feelings, I feel like he’s a little more distant. On top of that, I feel I’M the crazy one right now. On 2 different occasions this week, I have blown up at him over things he didn’t do (in my defense, I’m just going off what’s happened in the past and we have a lot of trust to rebuild).
Above all I can tell he’s overwhelmed, and he’s expressed this. I don’t know what to do. How do I support him?
I have been to Al-Anon, & I know I need to focus on me, but i’m just wondering if this gets better or if anyone has any advice.
He just got out of a 30 day inpatient following 3 months in jail where he got clean. He is now doing IOP/ Sober Living.
I don’t know how to explain it, but in sobriety he's different — not in a bad way necessarily, but he’s just not quite the same. Less reactive, less “on”, more reserved. While I feel like our relationship is better overall, and he’s more considerate of me and my feelings, I feel like he’s a little more distant. On top of that, I feel I’M the crazy one right now. On 2 different occasions this week, I have blown up at him over things he didn’t do (in my defense, I’m just going off what’s happened in the past and we have a lot of trust to rebuild).
Above all I can tell he’s overwhelmed, and he’s expressed this. I don’t know what to do. How do I support him?
I have been to Al-Anon, & I know I need to focus on me, but i’m just wondering if this gets better or if anyone has any advice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,979
Welcome Hurricane. I'm super glad you found sober recovery.
I left my qualifier before he went into recovery so I haven't been in your position.
I have heard from many here that the first year in recovery for an addict/alcoholic is a huge rollercoaster and they really can't be present in a relationship.
It's great that you know you need to focus on yourself. Keep going to Alanon; post here and look for the book Codependent No More. It's a bit of a bible on these forums.
I hope you stick around.
I left my qualifier before he went into recovery so I haven't been in your position.
I have heard from many here that the first year in recovery for an addict/alcoholic is a huge rollercoaster and they really can't be present in a relationship.
It's great that you know you need to focus on yourself. Keep going to Alanon; post here and look for the book Codependent No More. It's a bit of a bible on these forums.
I hope you stick around.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Hurricane--glad you found us here at SR. I think if you read around the forum, you'll find a number of threads that pertain to your question/situation. It's a topic that comes up frequently.
Welcome to SR, and I hope you find the help you're looking for.
Welcome to SR, and I hope you find the help you're looking for.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! Yup, common as dirt. It really has nothing to do with you, it has to do with all the internal rearranging that goes on during recovery.
Best thing you can do to "support" him is to try to stay out of his way, and the best way to do THAT (and--not at all incidentally--to help YOURSELF) is to work your own recovery. Things do eventually settle down but it's a big adjustment for both of you. Things may be "off" for months, up to a year or more.
Good advice above.
Best thing you can do to "support" him is to try to stay out of his way, and the best way to do THAT (and--not at all incidentally--to help YOURSELF) is to work your own recovery. Things do eventually settle down but it's a big adjustment for both of you. Things may be "off" for months, up to a year or more.
Good advice above.
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