Unwound

So this has been a real roller coaster for me, never even realised I had a serious problem with drinking until 5 weeks ago and giving up has been a real struggle.

For the last month or so I have been dealing with my obsession with alcohol and it's taken up a big chunk of my thoughts. I am still getting cravings (which remind me how bad things were), but they are not often now and I know I can get through them.

The real problem is that now I'm not totally focused on just staying sober a lot of other things are crowding back in that are bothering me: Basically I didn't just start drinking to be a drunk, I was drinking to get away from some of these problems. Then the drinking became my main activity and now it's not there any more the problems are back.

I am worried if I don't find a better way of dealing with these issues I could fall back or worse substitute for another problem (something I have done before).

Like most people I was drinking to avoid or "deal with" emotional problems I don't seem to be able to find solutions to. At the same time my problems are so priveldged middle-class and mild compared to many others; here is a flavour:

My high paying job is stressful and I have implement decisions I don't agree with but I am too invested and can't let go of.

My kids are not fulfilling their potential at their private schools.

My wife is emotionally distant and has a better relationship with her Ipad than anyone in the family.

I feel bad about my weight and appearance.

My large expensive house needs a lot of maintenance that is expensive.

Cry me a river; I'm sure lots of people would love to have my problems.

I've tried various things to deal with none of them have met with much success:

I went to a personal counsellor after about 3 months he "fired" me saying he didn't feel he could help, which left me feeling pretty bad.

Tried marriage guidance with my wife, some progress was made but my wife didn't like the process and eventually it got shut down.

Tried AA, only twice and I probably should give it another go but I didn't like it.

I feel like I need to do something otherwise it's going to be hard to keep this going, I feel really vulnerable right now. I had a session with a psychologist coming up but that has now been put back until mid-March so now I don't know what to do.

JK130

Well, you have a bit of a sense of humor which will help, and you're done with drinking which is even better! Perhaps you could prioritize your issues to yourself then the whole list wouldn't look so overwhelming? Also, 5 weeks is a pretty short time sober and you probably still have some body adjusting going on. Reflect on your exercise, eating and sleeping habits and check in with your doctor as needed. Stay with us...we've been there! For me, ice cream helped a ton in the early days of not drinking.

SnazzyDresser

Awesome post, Unwound. You're in here fighting, and that's what counts. I sure don't have any specific wisdom for ya. Try a variety of things to stop drinking and tinker with that. Sounds like you've got a great life going there. Get this drinking thing whipped and you'll be ready to go.

Mentium

I'm still newly sober so I hesitate to offer any advice, but just a thought. You dismiss AA out of hand, but arguably AA is about how to live and cope with life once you ARE sober. Might be worth another go? You don't have to swallow it whole - 'take what you need and leave the rest' as they say.

MissPerfumado

You sound like a lot of males in my work circle, Unwound.

It all looks shiny and beautiful on the outside but when you peel it back, it's suddenly not so great. Yet you can't complain, because it's what you've worked so hard for, what everyone else wants, and it's the pinnacle of so-called success.

I see these guys, these guys are decent men, people I respect. They are going through what it sounds like you're going through, and I do feel bad for them. Men are generally not great at addressing the emotional stuff. It gets covered up with bravado and more often than not addiction, but maybe my own experience as an addict causes me to look a little deeper and see the pain and hopelessness.

If I could have a heart-to-heart chat with some of my suffering colleagues, here is what I would suggest as a start: (1) begin to work on yourself, and (2) get into an exercise program.

By working on yourself, I mean something like going along to your local bookstore, stopping by the self-help section, seeing which titles "speak" to you, picking up one of them and leafing through, setting aside any cynicism and allowing yourself to be helped.

The exercise program is important because it will give you back some self-confidence and will make you feel physically and mentally better.

That's just a start. Because hopefully once you've made some progress, you may be able to come to terms with the job, you may be able to detach yourself from the problems your children are having to make a difference to their performance, and you may be able to come to a solution (or at least an accommodation) with your wife.

And ... it goes without saying, stay away from the drink. None of your problems will be helped if you revert to drinking.

Of course I don't know you personally, but this is what I'd suggest to the men in my own professional sphere and I am drawing from what I see.

doggonecarl

They aren't back because you quit drinking. They were always there, and they will be there if you start drinking.

Job, house, wife, kids. You got all those and what sounds like a good life. That's an accomplishment. So you are a capable person. You are not faced with insurmountable problems. Some can be fixed. Other will have to be accepted--without drinking.

You can do this.

Unwound

MissPerfumado, you sound like the counselor i need in my life , I'll give it a go. I do spend quite a lot of time with the kids doing stuff with them which I think does help but as you probably know there are some problems which are very difficult to help them with.

Excerise is one thing I find very difficult to stick at (the other is spelling, but that's dyslexia for you), I just don't enjoy it and I've tried lots of different things.

Thanks to everyone for their time and responses.

entropy1964

Hi Unwound

Lots of good advice. Yes, the problems of people that don't have problems. The problems of luxury. I have those too. And I have the same 'awareness' that I'm pretty much lucky to have those problems....so I try to turn my thinking around and find the gratitude in them, rather than the problem. If I allow it, my thinking can be very negative and resentful and I don't have that luxury. I drink 'over' that kind of stuff.

Everything you mention are 'things' outside of you. That's the problem with that stuff....much of it you can't control. You can only control your reaction to it. But you can't react in a logical, mature way without coping skills. And alcohol abuse isn't a sustainable 'coping' skill.

I am working the program of AA. And that program is a design for living and coping with life. Things outside me are just that. When I learn to accept life as it is, me as I am, and others as they are, life gets much easier.

Willingness is the key to unlock the door to any program of recovery. The only thing you can change is you...one day, one step, one personal connection, one house issue at a time.

suzie89

Unwound, my situation is somewhat like yours. 5 weeks in, my brain was starting to wake up and I really started experiencing that overwhelmed, antsy feeling. Knew I needed to exercise but I didn't have the energy yet. My dog loves to walk, so I started by taking her for long walks while listening to books on audio tapes. It was one of the only ways I could turn my brain off. If the weather allows it, you might start with something like this. It never failed that I felt substantially calmer after a couple of miles. And the bonus is, that I quickly started feeling stronger, losing some weight, and now instead of walking it's running, which really helps with anxiety. I'm also in AA, working with a sponsor through the steps, which has made this go at getting sober so different than my past unsuccessful efforts.
Best wishes to you. Agree with what someone said...the problems were there when you were drinking...probably getting worse as most things do when they are ignored. The trick seems to be feeling better enough to see the problems without getting so overwhelmed, and learning to take things one day (even one hour at a time). It can be a vicious circle otherwise. I'm 9 months sober now, and life is dramatically better, even though the crazy hours, high pressure job, big house needing lots of work, and 3 busy kids are all still there (thank goodness). Wishing you the best...you really can move beyond these 5 weeks and find that much more peaceful place. But if you choose to drink, it all starts over again from Day 1 while those problems keep growing.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you, and what you provide, are taken for granted
by your family.

And to earn what you do you are having to do things you morally
are not on board with in your deepest heart.

I will write out the subtext I see. . . stuff first, people second

Maybe you need to downsize that expensive house, since it's just a moneypit
and stressful and the status it brings clearly isn't giving you the satisfaction
or joy it may once have.

Kids underperforming? Maybe they should try a "regular" school for a term or two.
Entitlement isn't good for character development or developing good habits to maximize potential in most cases.
I deal with quite a few entitled young people (I teach in a university) and so many feel they don't have to work
since they've paid their money. I'm supposed to simply hand them the grade with a minimum of fuss.
The ones there through struggle and effort, on the other hand, appreciate and maximize their learning opportunities.

From what you've posted, your wife sounds like she's checked out of the family entirely, including working
on building a relationship with you.
If your drinking has been a huge problem in the family, that is certainly understandable, but not tenable in the long term.
However, we have to let some healing happen for our family members as well as ourselves, so I would not focus on this first.

In the short term, middle term, long term: sobriety first. Nothing works if that fails.

Perhaps you should consider some intensive therapy to work on releasing
some of the deep levels of disconnect and pain your family, workplace, and environment reflect at the moment.
I did some of this when I quit: I cried and got angry (which was hard to express for me in regular life) and let it go.
I still am a work in progress, but it made the next stage of sobriety much easier and happier for me.
It is quite amazing how much lifelong pain and sadness we "stuff" inside ourselves through smothering it with booze.

Your body is also carrying this pain, and your discomfort with it may
best be treated by working with a trainer, getting on a whole food / nutritional eating plan,
and reducing your stress with some massage, walks, and other self-care.

It sounds like your job isn't fitting you, but you feel handcuffed due to the money.
That's something to really examine, with your therapist and through journaling and perhaps some quiet time just thinking.

Is money worth destroying your quality of life, and perhaps sending you back to drinking?
If you downsized, could you live well on a smaller salary in a kinder job?
We drink when we don't like who we are or what we are doing.
It really sounds like you don't like what you're doing, and the therapy
will help you learn to like who you are. You need both.

Only you can decide these things, and it's scary to think about that kind of change,
especially as your family is used to this level of living and will resist, at least at first.

But you count, and your feelings matter, so put yourself at the front of the line here.
Maybe make a vision board for this year what you want from life.
Thinking / dreaming are the first steps, and honestly, you don't sound happy
where you are right now. But you can change things.

ABetterWay1

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse do not discriminate! They can destroy anyone of any economic level.

Difference is, you (much like me) have resources at your disposal that can help you fight the problem. I hope you can find something soon that will help you recover and avoid substituting one problem for another.

Glad you are sharing with us.

ABW1

HTown

The weight loss will come as will a more confident you if you stay the course and stay sober. Yes, the problems will still be there, but that is life. Life is not easy. It is hills and valleys. A constant set of challenges.

Work on yourself first. Be very kind to yourself and do not make huge changes for at least a year sober. I am a few months ahead of you (almost a year) and I am re-assessing everything. You are not alone in your feelings or thoughts, but right now, deal with this one thing-stay sober.

Good luck to you.

StartingOverNW

I was going to suggest that maybe talking with a psychologist about the emotional side of things might be helpful. Would it be possible to schedule an appointment with a different one without waiting until March?

Also, there are other types of recovery, like SMART recovery meetings, which have a different flavor and might be more appealing depending on where your at.

Finally, you can always talk and vent here, and feel free to join the January class if you'd like to join some of the rest of us in committing to sobriety.

BrendaChenowyth

Sobriety was never going to make our problems go away. We can better deal with the problems of life in sobriety.

Bekindalways

Hi Unwound. I'm another privileged middle-class white person who struggles so appreciate your post.

Every now and then I get a glimpse into the particular hardships for the male half of the species. Your post offered that view.

I also don't like exercise. Unfortunately as a depressive, it is one of the few things that really helps. I try and think about it like flossing or brushing my teeth; it is something I do for myself and it doesn't matter if I like it. When I get in better shape and it is more of a habit, it is easier to do.