I'm doing something new tonight
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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I'm doing something new tonight
For the first time in forever, I am going to bed before he gets home. Haven't seen AH all day and he is at the bar right now. Instead of waiting up to make sure he gets home ok...I'm letting it go and calling it a night. I can't do anything about it and I have to get up early tomorrow for the gym. Life goes on. Just had to post this here.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
thousandwords - Man, I've been there countless times (I'm sure we all have). It's agonizing to wait up worrying, wondering, texting them with no response, thinking all the worst have happened. The anxiety can get just too paralyzing.
It's a freeing peace you feel when you finally hand them over to God and accept that you are not in control. It's a step toward taking your mental freedom back.
Good job! I hope you slept well, also, and made it to the gym!
It's a freeing peace you feel when you finally hand them over to God and accept that you are not in control. It's a step toward taking your mental freedom back.
Good job! I hope you slept well, also, and made it to the gym!
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
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Hope you were able to sleep.
I wish I was able to just let go and let my AH be in gods hands. I am not there yet. I still sit up and wait and worry, heart feels like it will jump out of my chest. All the bad thought and anxiety take over. One day I hope to be as strong as you! Hugs
I wish I was able to just let go and let my AH be in gods hands. I am not there yet. I still sit up and wait and worry, heart feels like it will jump out of my chest. All the bad thought and anxiety take over. One day I hope to be as strong as you! Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank you all. I did sleep well, went to bed at a decent hour and did not witness his homecoming. Usually I would stay up to make sure he was ok, and assess the situation mentally. I don't nag or shame him in his drinking, but I did realize last night that I internalize all I feel and see on nights like that, and I hate him and feel shame and pity and all those yucky feelings that ruin the next day do ME. So I really detached and I feel ok today. I am off to the gym right now and will lift some heavy stuff and get on with my day. Again, thank you all for understanding my post.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I know that stuff like this can seem really small, but these are the baby-step-moments that were really BIG for me in my recovery.
Re-training myself to let go & take care of ME on this most fundamental level (like simply getting a good night of sleep!) was surprisingly difficult & showed me just how far I'd been willing to devalue myself.
Re-training myself to let go & take care of ME on this most fundamental level (like simply getting a good night of sleep!) was surprisingly difficult & showed me just how far I'd been willing to devalue myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
I know that stuff like this can seem really small, but these are the baby-step-moments that were really BIG for me in my recovery.
Re-training myself to let go & take care of ME on this most fundamental level (like simply getting a good night of sleep!) was surprisingly difficult & showed me just how far I'd been willing to devalue myself.
Re-training myself to let go & take care of ME on this most fundamental level (like simply getting a good night of sleep!) was surprisingly difficult & showed me just how far I'd been willing to devalue myself.
AH blew up my Monday morning with a stupid fight about gas money ...letting it fuel my departure. I almost told him this am that I was done. So close.
Hugs all.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Warning....some don't have a bottom. I don't even believe that exists. Addiction ebbs and flows for many people, getting straight for a while, then relapse over and over. Part of what makes the non addict feel crazy. My X has done things that I thought for sure were a bottom. Nope, he keeps it up. I think his bottom will be death.
Originally Posted by NewRomanMan
Go. You don't need to live like that if you don't want to. Maybe he needs to see what a real bottom looks like.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Good call. I always make sure I'm in bed asleep (or pretending to be) before my partner returns from his drinking fiascos. I really don't need to listen to him being a drunken gobshite. Nothing good ever comes of a conversation with him drunk, and it just stresses me out watching him crash and bash about into things.
Besides, since stopping drinking myself, I've realised there's nothing I like more than to snuggle down early in bed with a good book.
Besides, since stopping drinking myself, I've realised there's nothing I like more than to snuggle down early in bed with a good book.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53
Thank you! I kind of had a "Duh" epiphany that night...I had not been enabling him, but I certainly wasn't detached as I had thought! Just because I wasn't reacting to his shenanigans doesn't mean it didn't upset me and put me in a position to internalize all the bad emotions I felt from encounters.
((((Hugs))))) So sorry to hear about your grandfather though!
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Warning....some don't have a bottom. I don't even believe that exists. Addiction ebbs and flows for many people, getting straight for a while, then relapse over and over. Part of what makes the non addict feel crazy. My X has done things that I thought for sure were a bottom. Nope, he keeps it up. I think his bottom will be death.
Dandy: "A thoughtful husband would be supporting and comforting you, right now, due to the loss of your grandfather!
I am sorry for your family's loss....."
Thank you and I agree. I have lost both of my grandparents this year, whom I was very close with. I am emotionally alone in this marriage and it sucks. HE gets emotional and weepy and I stay strong...I am still dealing with the aftermath of my FIL's death(10 years ago) So I give, give,give support but when it's my turn...I still give and give. Everything is an excuse for him to drink, woe is me...I buck up and continue on, with a smile of course.
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how about instead of worrying about what might be HIS bottom, you start evaluating your own?
why do you stay? you are getting "something" out of it, even if it's negative payoff. you "get" to give and give and give some more. sounds "nice" but is it also a bit martyr-ish? and is there perhaps something appealing in the title of the poor unappreciated spouse who keeps a smile glued to her face?? have you perhaps seen that before? or have you just worn it so long it feels natural?
you say you are "close" to done. do you have a plan? an exit strategy? have you taken concrete steps to achieve departure and life after? long before i left my last husband, i began to get our finances in order - as i was leaving him the house, i wanted to make sure he could afford it on his own. i trimmed expenses where i could, paid down credit cards, socked some $$ away, reduced the cable bill, phone bill, etc, anywhere i could. not only did i know that these actions would benefit both of us, it also kept me engaged in the process, taking active steps.
why do you stay? you are getting "something" out of it, even if it's negative payoff. you "get" to give and give and give some more. sounds "nice" but is it also a bit martyr-ish? and is there perhaps something appealing in the title of the poor unappreciated spouse who keeps a smile glued to her face?? have you perhaps seen that before? or have you just worn it so long it feels natural?
you say you are "close" to done. do you have a plan? an exit strategy? have you taken concrete steps to achieve departure and life after? long before i left my last husband, i began to get our finances in order - as i was leaving him the house, i wanted to make sure he could afford it on his own. i trimmed expenses where i could, paid down credit cards, socked some $$ away, reduced the cable bill, phone bill, etc, anywhere i could. not only did i know that these actions would benefit both of us, it also kept me engaged in the process, taking active steps.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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I had this issue, too, for a couple of years. STBXAH was working second shift at a factory, and I would stay awake until he got home (well after 11 p.m., even though I had to be up by 6 a.m. to get ready for work and drop our DS at day care--yes, DS went to day care all day, every weekday, even though STBXAH didn't report to work until 3 p.m., because it just wasn't "fair" to STBXAH for him to have to look after DS while he "worked so hard" on second shift and then stayed up until 3 a.m. drinking).
Honestly, the first thing I did was start running a fan in the bedroom every night. The background noise made it easier for me to sleep through his arrival home, and his eventual move up into the bedroom to go to sleep after hours of drinking alone in the living room. It was VERY hard, and I appreciate very much the huge sea change this is for you, even if it feels like a "little" thing.
Honestly, the first thing I did was start running a fan in the bedroom every night. The background noise made it easier for me to sleep through his arrival home, and his eventual move up into the bedroom to go to sleep after hours of drinking alone in the living room. It was VERY hard, and I appreciate very much the huge sea change this is for you, even if it feels like a "little" thing.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
how about instead of worrying about what might be HIS bottom, you start evaluating your own?
why do you stay? you are getting "something" out of it, even if it's negative payoff. you "get" to give and give and give some more. sounds "nice" but is it also a bit martyr-ish? and is there perhaps something appealing in the title of the poor unappreciated spouse who keeps a smile glued to her face?? have you perhaps seen that before? or have you just worn it so long it feels natural?
you say you are "close" to done. do you have a plan? an exit strategy? have you taken concrete steps to achieve departure and life after? long before i left my last husband, i began to get our finances in order - as i was leaving him the house, i wanted to make sure he could afford it on his own. i trimmed expenses where i could, paid down credit cards, socked some $$ away, reduced the cable bill, phone bill, etc, anywhere i could. not only did i know that these actions would benefit both of us, it also kept me engaged in the process, taking active steps.
why do you stay? you are getting "something" out of it, even if it's negative payoff. you "get" to give and give and give some more. sounds "nice" but is it also a bit martyr-ish? and is there perhaps something appealing in the title of the poor unappreciated spouse who keeps a smile glued to her face?? have you perhaps seen that before? or have you just worn it so long it feels natural?
you say you are "close" to done. do you have a plan? an exit strategy? have you taken concrete steps to achieve departure and life after? long before i left my last husband, i began to get our finances in order - as i was leaving him the house, i wanted to make sure he could afford it on his own. i trimmed expenses where i could, paid down credit cards, socked some $$ away, reduced the cable bill, phone bill, etc, anywhere i could. not only did i know that these actions would benefit both of us, it also kept me engaged in the process, taking active steps.
I don't feel like I am being a martyr...but I need to end our marriage before I become one.
I am trying to make life the best I can for my children and want to be smart about it. I also don't feel that I enjoy the title of poor unappreciated spouse... in our real life nobody knows what our home life is like. We live in a small town, suburbia ..high school sweethearts and everyone knows our name. He is all about keeping up with the Jones' and being a respected family and career man.
I am becoming tired of giving and never getting. My emotional bank is empty. I don't want to become a martyr....I think I've expected all my efforts would someday payoff and he would see and get on board with a healthy way of living.
I am at work and can't formulate a very articulate response right now. Hope this makes sense.
I stay because I am a die hard hopeful
I stay because I am financially dependent (working on it)
I stay because I have been hoping he would be the one to leave
I stay because it will end an almost 20 year relationship and our families run deep. It is scary.
I stay because I am trying to do this right, with plenty of thought
I am not ready to walk out and I know he won't leave if I asked him to.
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