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So much pretending

Old 01-21-2017, 06:18 PM
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So much pretending

I'm not totally sure I'm ready to tell these secrets. They are secrets to me.

For some reason, it's hitting me tonight that there is so much pretending going on. I would always try and pretend that I wasn't drunk or tipsy. I would drink a glass or two of wine before my boyfriend came over so that when I poured a drink, it looked like my first one. Or I would drink from my glass but add more alcohol to it when he wasn't looking to look like I hadn't drank that much. Or he would go to the other room and I would run into the kitchen and take a few swallows. I needed to keep up the image that I wasn't drinking that much because of him previously saying he didn't like my heavy drinking. I would drink at home, walk to his house and have another drink there because he didn't know that I drank at home. And then trying to pull off that I'm not wasted later. I even swigged mouthwash once so he wouldn't taste it on me. But I totally blamed it on him because he is the one who complained about me drinking too much in the beginning of our relationship. And I honestly never felt like it was too much. It wasn't like I was getting drunk every night. And I have a stressful job. I'm allowed to kick back sometimes. But it's all starting to look clearer that this isn't normal behavior. And then if it's not normal, then what? I rarely was drunk like you see on tv. More like drunk and go to sleep. I would also ALWAYS look at the alcohol content in the beer. Even if I didn't like the taste so much, I would always buy/order the most bang for my buck. So I could get away with three beers that had a 6.8% and justify that I just had three. Not a big deal.
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Old 01-21-2017, 06:49 PM
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Great that you for what it is. Alcohol robs us of so many things. Glad you are here & posting. Much support & encouragement here!
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Old 01-21-2017, 06:49 PM
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The thing with alcoholism is that it isn't about how much or how often you drink. It's more about what alcohol does to you when you drink. I became a liar as I tried to hide my drinking from my family. I was always sneaking around, hiding alcohol, trying to find time alone to drink. It was so disrespectful to myself and everyone around me. And, it was exhausting. Stopping drinking was much easier.
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Old 01-21-2017, 06:52 PM
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Oh yeah, been there done that. Not normal behavior although I could always rationalize it to myself. Even on those occasions that I missed work because I was hungover or woke up passed out on the floor, I always thought I wasn't "that bad". But I was.
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Old 01-21-2017, 07:07 PM
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yes, Beingsober.
just the other day i mentioned to some folk that one of the new freedoms i have as a sober person is the freedom from fear of being found out as a pretender, a fake, a liar.
I get to bring my real self now wherever i go
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Old 01-21-2017, 07:08 PM
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I used to tell everyone that I had to go because I have a lot to work on. That was true but the problem was that it was the same stuff that I still needed to get done, but didn't, the 100 other times I told them that and went home a got wasted. What is crazy is I actually believed it. Alcohol can make us do some really weird stuff.
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Old 01-21-2017, 07:10 PM
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Welcome to SR!

I'm not totally sure I'm ready to tell these secrets. They are secrets to me.

These aren't really secrets. We all did these things, it's common alcoholic behavior.
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Old 01-21-2017, 08:26 PM
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I used to "have to go home & check on my puppy" during neighborhood dinner parties, so I could frantically do lines, swill an extra beer, & secretly smoke a cigarette.

So many secrets & lies.

I look back & imagine that people thought I had a pretty distorted & co-dependent relationship with that poor puppy!! Lol...
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Old 01-21-2017, 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Beingsober View Post
I'm not totally sure I'm ready to tell these secrets. They are secrets to me.

For some reason, it's hitting me tonight that there is so much pretending going on. I would always try and pretend that I wasn't drunk or tipsy. I would drink a glass or two of wine before my boyfriend came over so that when I poured a drink, it looked like my first one. Or I would drink from my glass but add more alcohol to it when he wasn't looking to look like I hadn't drank that much. Or he would go to the other room and I would run into the kitchen and take a few swallows. I needed to keep up the image that I wasn't drinking that much because of him previously saying he didn't like my heavy drinking. I would drink at home, walk to his house and have another drink there because he didn't know that I drank at home. And then trying to pull off that I'm not wasted later. I even swigged mouthwash once so he wouldn't taste it on me. But I totally blamed it on him because he is the one who complained about me drinking too much in the beginning of our relationship. And I honestly never felt like it was too much. It wasn't like I was getting drunk every night. And I have a stressful job. I'm allowed to kick back sometimes. But it's all starting to look clearer that this isn't normal behavior. And then if it's not normal, then what? I rarely was drunk like you see on tv. More like drunk and go to sleep. I would also ALWAYS look at the alcohol content in the beer. Even if I didn't like the taste so much, I would always buy/order the most bang for my buck. So I could get away with three beers that had a 6.8% and justify that I just had three. Not a big deal.
My tenant who lived next door became my best friend. She died of cirrhosis and I am still finding nips and little bottles she hid in my closets, even in storage bins in the yard. I watched her hide this from her BF because he had called her on it. Those all were her tricks, she could have written what you wrote. As she was getting sick and really drinking all day I was working and night drinking and didn't "get it" how sick she was till too late. Glad you are getting away from pretending, so glad you are getting out in time.
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Old 01-21-2017, 08:42 PM
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I did alllll of that and more. In active alcoholism, we might see those kinds of behaviors as mere survival; in sobriety, we see them for what they really are - deceit (of ourselves and others), manipulation, blaming, and avoidance.

Glad you are sharing! You have started the path to recovery and I hope you continue.

ABW1
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Old 01-21-2017, 09:06 PM
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I did not drink- I PLANNED first to drink. Drink before going out drinking. I put nearly as much effort into pretending not to drink as I did in drinking. It became an obsession. The behaviour alone- so different than normal- to look normal, who does that? Addictive personalities do that. Some do it with food, sex, gambling, drugs, hoarding.. So a 2 edged sword- I drank, which obviously has negative physical and emotional consequence. The behaviour also- breaching personal moral standards, ling- cheating, stealing, being secretive and convincing myself the only crime was being caught. I also thought that I got away with it- the mouth wash btw- does not work. Apart from anything else- why does a person suddenly smell like mouth wash? A dead give a way for me.
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