milly4me

I was here about 2 (?) years ago...

I really changed some of my drunk ways since. I no longer drink in excess in public and make a public fool of myself. No drunk dialing, etc...

But my consumption levels are the same (way too much). Now I drink at home almost exclusively. I drink when I cook...I putter around the garden tipsy drunk, etc...

Since mid Nov, however, I've cut way back. Tapered off, I guess. Went from 50 drinks (or more?)a week to 10 drinks, then 8, then 6, then 1.5...now it's been 11 days since I've had anything.

Twice this week, I poured myself a glass of wine, but then threw it away rather then drink it. I didnt see the point of drinking it. I mean I would need at LEAST three before even starting to get that numbing effect...so what's the point of one?

So I haven't made any real plans to not drink...no personal comitments. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve here.

Last night I really, really craved buying alcohol. Not sure if I craved drinking it per se. Just that stupid, typical fear that if I didn't get myself to store to buy alcohol before they closed, I wouldn't have the option of drinking for the rest of the night.

This is the first time I felt that since mid-Nov. So I threw myself into a bathtub and soaked until it was too late to run to a store.

It felt too scary. Just white knuckling it. I felt out if control.

Not sure what triggered it. I did have plans to spend the evening with friends, but then realized the low key hangout plan was morphing into a bigger party including drinking, so I begged off. I wasn't even tempted to join up...

I guess I need to make some real decisions...real plans...real goals.

My thinking is so disorganized.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

cusper

Hi Milly! Well that's great you tapered off and are stopping. Why don't you try sobriety for a while and see how you go? I am an alcoholic and I know that I am never happy just having a few. All of my friends who are not alcoholic don't even think about how much they have because typically they just have a couple and don't think a thing of it. If you are tapering and aware then maybe you might have an issue. Commit yourself to staying sober and see how you react. Sober me has a lot of physical/emotional symptoms so I know I had a problem. It does take time to level out but it is well worth it!! Welcome again. I wish you much determination and success!

Dee74

Welcome back Milly

I went from social drinker to at home drinker too - I think it actually made me worse because I didn't have to worry about what people thought so I'd drink myself into a stupor...

It's hard to change your life when everything in it revolves around drinking, but it can be done

Supports important and you'll find a lot of it here

This is a great link on plans:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

and why not check of the Class of January support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-18.html

milly4me

Cusper & Dee..

Thanks for your replies. I have no illusions about my relationship with alcohol. I'm a alcoholic.

I opened a bottle of beer last night, but gave it to hubby after a few sips. Beer isn't my DOC anyway. It tasted like drinking a loaf of bread- yuck.

So back to day 1, I guess.

I feel so unstable lately. I know I'm toeing a dangrouse line. I think giving up the drink is going to be a process for me. I feel ambivalent and confused. On one hand I think, just pull the trigger and give up booze completely. On the other, I've always been such a black and white thinking person... which has caused me problems...so maybe I should give myself permission to ease into a new non-alcohol centric person.

Oye.

HTown

I tried to taper, to moderate. Best thing I ever did was just stop completely! I lost 35 pounds, and I don't beat myself up anymore. Try stopping. You will love the new sober you.

milly4me

This makes so much logical sense. How do I make my mind/soul/being say (and truly believe I can just) ""Quit"?

Am I missing something? Is it just like a leap of faith?

daisy1

Apart from my health becoming really bad, I've found coming clean to the people that love you and your doctor, and getting as much help that is out there as you can is the only way. It's early days for me I know but it feels so different this time having so much support.

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, milly; nice to see you again.

The threads that Dee linked are very good; very well worth looking into.

You might want to pop into the 24 Hour Recovery Connection thread; it's another good place for support and encouragement. I'll post the link in a moment!

SoberLeigh

As promised:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-202-a.html

Anna

Milly, welcome back! It sounds like you are ready to make a plan and live a sober life. You will find lots of ideas and support here. I think it's good to remember that recovery involves more than stopping drinking. We usually have to make lifestyle changes to support our recovery. I hope you continue to read and post.

dwtbd

You may be interested in checking out some of the threads in the Secular Connections forum here on SR that talk about RR/AVRT. I found out about these ideas my first visit here to SR.

It is just a leap of faith. But not necessarily toward something you don't have , more like lightening your load by letting go of something you do have.

The AV( addictive voice, any thoughts about future alcohol consumption and any doubt that permanent abstinence is possible) is currently telling you that you are not able to accept the idea of permanent abstinence, that you can't just quit because... no real answer, just that you can't(.)

Leave the idea that you can't behind , and take the leap of faith to believe that you Can( because you absolutely Can) .

Making the decision to never again put alcohol in your mouth and not changing your mind about that decision is entirely as possible as deciding to never put sewing needles in your mouth. Only the Beast( the desire for alcohol) speaking through you own thoughts ( the AV) would argue the difference, The beast will always desire alcohol and the AV will always argue /plead/rationalize that consuming alcohol is a needful inevitable thing, but it's not.

Listen for the AV , recognize Its voice , separate from those thoughts and dismiss them. You already 'have what it takes', stop believing the lie that you don't/can't. You aren't missing anything, you just need to let go of one thing.

wish you well and hope to see you around

Delilah1

Welcome back Milly!

biminiblue

That ambivalence and feeling not quite right are part of early sobriety.

Lots of changes have happened in your brain due to drinking and that causes some discomfort, irritability, feeling antsy, speedy thoughts, lack of emotional control, etc.

Here's a great read, it describes a lot of the physical stuff involved in the "disease" process:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

cc78

That is kind of where I was at as well. I drank around the yard while doing yard work. I thought I felt pretty good about what I was doing but the work I got done wasn anything to brag about and I usually would quit halfway through once I started drinking. Id grab a six pack and put that down and often go grab one more with the neighbor. You obviously feel better about drinking less and that is great! It's something to b proud of!

milly4me

Thanks for all the detailed replies. You have given me a lot to read and digest. I'll keep reviewing the advice and links.

I think I'm getting closer to thinking I really can quit.

I did not drink today. So...for now, there is simply that.