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I posted a few days back about my struggle.. Basically my wife had an affair, I caught her by snooping.. I've been sober for about 2 months now, I know my emotions are going to be crazy right now.. And the advice I got was to stop snooping and give it time.

I stopped snooping.. She went for a quick trip to target, and was gone over 2 hours. I tried every coping mechanism I know to stop myself from obsessing while she was gone.. But I broke down and checked bank records.. It showed she pulled out cash 20 miles from where she said she was going (opposite direction), got gas in between, and was really only at target for 20 minutes...

So she flat out lies to me about all of this.. telling me she was wandering the store at target the whole time. I feel bad for checking on her, but she did just cheat on me.. I really don't know what to do anymore.. I know time could possibly make things better, but what should I do in the meantime? I'm trying to build my confidence and this certainly isn't doing me any favors.

Should I just ignore this behavior? I can't hide the fact that I'm upset when this happens.. I don't know how I can continue this sharade.. and how its going to affect our children.

NewRomanMan

You don't have to ignore this behavior. Nor you do you have to tolerate it. Seems to me your wife feels she can do whatever she likes to do and you'll put up with it. Maybe a trial separation is in order? Get you out of that environment and give you time to regroup mentally and worry about yourself and your sobriety as opposed to what your wife may be doing (which you really can't control anyway, right?).
There's nothing worse than loving someone and knowing that person isn't treating you right, but that's the way life is sometimes.
Wishing you all the best.

Anna

The thing is, I would imagine that you lied to your wife many times when you were drinking? I know I lied to my family over and over again.

2 months sober is terrific and I'm sure your family appreciates the changes. But it is still early days, especially for your wife. Trust is essential in a marriage and it sounds like you both could work on that. Have you considered couples counselling? It could be very helpful.

january161992

great job on 2 months and God bless

columbus

All the sympathy and well-wishes for you in this very unpleasant situation, but find it impossible to give real-world advice in such a possibly explosive situation.

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I'm worried about separation.. I'm worried about the kids. She is still drinking and I assume she would probably drink more if I did leave..

Wrongs have been done on both sides, we were both (non)"functioning" alcoholics.. Of course anytime we talk about it I was a horrible person.. I accept the mistakes I made and try to do right by them.

I've suggested couples counseling, and individual therapy, she went to one individual session, then scheduled another one 2 weeks from now.. I know I need to give it time but I just don't know how to deal with the time inbetween.. I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want to make her feel like I'm stalking her every move. I want to just give an ultimatum , she either cuts of contact with this guy, or we move towards separation / divorce. The fact that she wants to keep a relationship with her affair partner is really what is killing me. How on earth can we possibly reconnect while she keeps contact with the guy she is in love with?

Sorry, I don't want to complain all the time!! I know that my situation could be much worse, Alcohol could have taken everything away from me, but god gave me another chance. I just feel like I'm stuck with what seems to be an impossible situation..

biminiblue

Are there children?

I think a boundary regarding the guy is reasonable, but there's no way to be sure she doesn't lie. I guess give your ultimatum and then you just have to wait and see how it plays out.

The other choice is separation while you both work on yourselves.

Neither is ideal, both require time.

There are solutions, sometimes we just don't like them.

I'm sorry for your pain, I've been there.

Anna

I'm sorry for your pain, too and I hope that you can find a solution that you will feel okay with. Above all, keep focused on your recovery.

entropy1964

Well there's a lot going on here.

Boundaries. If you're anything like me staying sober is P1. I'm not sure I could stay sober in a situation without boundaries. From your post the wife sounds like she's just kinda doing her 'thing' regardless of you, your kids, your marriage and your recovery. Obviously there are 2 sides to this story but you're the one posting

Pause. Think this through. Ultimatums only work if you're truly ready (and I would think the kids and finances would be top considerations). Trust and forgiveness are absolutely essential here if you are to be happy. And it's not unreasonable for you to require these things.

So, personally, if you love her and want to try to make it work I would INSIST on marriage counseling. If she won't do that then it sounds to me like she'll keep running her own game. And that's not ok.