Dreaming005

Yesterday, I drove my AH 1.5 hours to an inpatient rehab center and had a conversation with him that was so unbelievable and text book for denial. It made me so mad, and so deflated my hope for him.

AH: "Wasn't life better before I tried to stop drinking?"
Me: Less chaotic - yes. Better - no. You were drinking too much before, we just didn't call you an alcoholic. You were hiding handles of vodka and ended up in the hospital puking blood; if you continued on that path you probably would be dead right now. Sure, you're not an angry or mean drunk so we didn't fight as much, but you weren't functioning as an adult.
AH: But, my blood work came back fine today. I was drinking that much because I didn't have a job and was drinking all day. If I only got a job, I wouldn't be drinking that much and could moderate.
Me: (Wanting to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of that statement!) But you have tried moderation - last time I went to NYC for work you could have tried drinking in moderation without me knowing. But instead, you ended up wasted, not being able to take care of our kids, and in the hospital with a DCF (dept of children & families) case.
AH: silence
Me: And, you have been working, and you've been drinking on your way home. Every time you drink now, you get wasted (like 0.3 BAC wasted). You tried to cut back a year ago, and couldn't. And I told you, if you REALLY want a drink, get a beer; cut it out with the vodka and have a social beer. I told you I'd be ok with that, and you've never once done that. (I know that's not the answer, but beer isn't what he wants anyway. He wants to get blackout drunk.).
AH: But I can't hang out with my family or any friends without drinking. We used to have fun going out with people - it's what 90% of the population does.
Me: But you're not 90% of the population. You're a sponge now and you don't stop at one drink. You have like 5-6 drinks over the weekend, and you ended up passed out in your car and don't remember 36 hours of your life. That's not what happens to 90% of the population when they drink 5-6 drinks. You can hang out with your family & friends. Now, you need to find another activity to do, but if you get some good sobriety under you, maybe you'll figure out how to handle social drinking situations and be able to go without drinking yourself.
AH: I'm just saying, we never really tried letting me drink in moderation. (Me: What????) We went from me drinking, to me being in the hospital, to "You can't drink anything, ever."
Me: That's just not true. (sigh. silence)

I have to agree with him that life has been WAY more chaotic in the past year since he started to try and get sober. BUT I'll take the chaos over lying to myself and sweeping his problem under the rug. It was SO disappointing to have this conversation while driving him to rehab. I wanted to just turn around and drop him at a homeless shelter, especially since I think this place is going to cost us dearly (still working on insurance, but it's a for profit, so...). When I said goodbye to him I told him I was disappointed and he started crying & saying he was just scared, but I think he was being honest - he really still thinks he can drink in moderation.

Anyway, it just made me feel better to write this down and get it out of my system. I don't know what I can possibly do to get through his thick skull. Probably nothing.

hopeful4

You are right, there is nothing you can do to get through to him. With this sort of attitude, there is no possible way that he will work recovery.

So, now it's time for you to decide what to do with that. There is only one person you CAN control, and that is you.

I am sorry friend. Hugs to you. Keep getting it out, it does help!

NewRomanMan

Saying he can't hang out with family or friends without drinking is a lie his disease is telling him to protect itself. And it's utter bs. I enjoy hanging out with family and friends far more sober than I ever did before. A person can learn to live and thrive without needing a social lubricant in those situations.

SparkleKitty

He isn't ready.

LexieCat

Life with him isn't "better" because he's just switched from being a wet drunk to a dry one. Dry drunks are miserable. They are constantly feeling deprived and blame life for being unfair.

If I were you, I wouldn't keep arguing with him. Instead, start making some plans for life on your own--I have a feeling you will be needing them.

Dreaming005

I completely agree it's BS, but do think it will take him some time - he will need to learn how to interact differently with people, and he's not there yet so he isolates himself. He also hasn't told his friends that he's an alcoholic, so they ask him to go for a drink as per usual, so he either joins them, or he lies to them as to why he can't hang out (when he's being "good").

Many of his relationships are based on drinking; for example, he was very involved in rugby, which has a huge social drinking component to it. Down the road he may be able to go to games again, but for right now it's a huge trigger. In the past, when he met up with friends it was usually in a bar. Also, the norm in his family HAD been for someone to offer you a drink as soon as you walk in the door, and keep pouring. His entire family has acknowledged this is a problem and want to hang out with him in "neutral territory" but they all still have loads of booze in their homes; we couldn't go to Thanksgiving dinner at his family's house b/c they wouldn't go booze free (at least, he didn't want to ask that of them) and he wasn't ready to be in that situation.

I do sympathize with this piece - I do see it as being very hard. But, in the end, you're right - it's a BS excuse and he probably would enjoy hanging out with friends actually doing something instead of belly up to the bar!

Dreaming005

Wow - dry drunk. Just Googled it... you hit the nail on the head! I've heard that term before but never really knew what it meant!

SparkleKitty

And long before that he will need to decide that this is something he wants. If and once he does that, it will only be a matter of time. But nothing you've described reads like anything more than token efforts to avoid unpleasant consequences. Honest-to-goodness change? You'll know that when you see it.

AnvilheadII

he really still thinks he can drink in moderation.


tis the dream of most EVERY alcoholic, to be able to drink with impunity, to be able to be in control, to "get away with it".

FireSprite

Agreed - he's dry but not committed to recovery in any way. I've heard this called "throwing pillows ahead", meaning that he's already laying the groundwork for a relapse by talking about moderation, etc. It'll be a "softer" landing that way.

Were you dropping him off for him to be admitted or was he just attending counseling/group? They are definitely the right people to try to get him to understand these points!

LexieCat

Here's the thing. He doesn't WANT to be sober, so he has no interest in learning how to do it. It's like taking a kid to piano lessons because YOU want him to learn to play. If he's not interested, it's perfectly possible for him to sit through thousands of dollars worth of lessons, from the most famous teachers, and learn to plunk out a tune or two. He will NEVER enjoy it, and will NEVER spend any time playing for enjoyment. You can drag him to endless piano concerts so he can hear how lovely the music can be, and he'll never appreciate it.

This isn't something that patience and repeated exposure will fix. He's got to have some internal desire to be sober, and right now, all he sees is everyone interfering with his ability to enjoy life.

Dreaming005

"Were you dropping him off for him to be admitted or was he just attending counseling/group? They are definitely the right people to try to get him to understand these points!"

Dropping him off to be admitted to an inpatient program. I hope he says these things to them so they can help him understand - someone I doubt it though. He certainly knows how to play the games and say what folks want to hear!

AnvilheadII

something for you to consider long and hard is where he goes AFTER treatment. returning directly to the home is rarely the best plan, for all concerned.

FireSprite

You're probably right. But also remember - these people have been there, done that & have the tee shirt in a variety of colors, they aren't fooled easily. The only thing harder on an addict in recovery than a codependent loved one is ANOTHER recovering addict, IMO. More will be revealed, hang in there & just observe as much as possible.

So what's on tap for YOU while he's gone? What will your focus be?

Dreaming005

I am hoping he goes to a sober house. He was at inpatient in Nov/ Dec and I asked his counselor if he should come home or go to a sober house & he said "the best place for him was home, in a supportive environment" b/c it's more likely he'll relapse at a sh. He also said that it would be best to give AH a clean slate & not bring up the past. I did exactly that & AH lasted a week (maybe). My FIL & MIL both suggested he should go to sober house as well- I chose to listen to the counselor. FIL is now acting a bit smug (whole other story), but I now know he was right.

This time- he needs to prove he can be sober for some time. I can't ride the roller coaster again & neither can my kids.

Bekindalways

Hey Dreaming, it sounds like you have some hard won wisdom.

I haven't been in your situation as I didn't marry my qualifier but I do know the best thing to do is take care of yourself.

I understand that you have been to Alanon and found it depressing. I never did the Alanon route myself. You might give it another try. Either way have you read Codependent No More? Many have found it helpful.

Whatever happens with your AH, I hope this time is good for you and your kids.

heartcore

A big part of the work of the treatment center will be to break through his denial and accept abstinence.

He's there, this is their work & his work. You can now let him move through the process & see how he emerges on the other end. For some treatment doesn't impact them; for others it is transformative. You just won't know until he finishes the experience...

dandylion

Dreaming.....you say that "this time...he needs to prove that he can be sober for some time"...
What do you mean, by that...? don't you want him to reach for genuine recovery...working a diligent program...working the steps with a sponsor and AA meetings...with The goal to be ABSTAINENT FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE?
Have you just accepted that he can be dry for periods of time...and that will be o.k.?

Have you ever considered going to an AA meeting? If not..I think it would be good for your understanding to attend a few open meetings.......

qtpi

I work as a hospital nurse. we screen patients for alcohol abuse on admission. Most people do not drink for entertainment and on a regular basis. I used to hear this from my STBXAH- everybody drinks 3 to 4 times a week or more. Not true- the majority of people I screen drink less than once a month-= like at a wedding or new years. Now, all of his friends did drink all week long and every week.

atalose

In the begging I used to ask questions all the time about him or them in search of the right answers that would get him to stop so that we could just get on with our lives.

Al-anon and SR helped me to stop asking questions about him/them and begin asking questions to myself. Like, what was not getting through my thigh skull? Why did I continue to think I could control him or manipulate him into stopping. Why did I continue to ignore my gut instinct and keep holding onto "hope" that one day soon he'd get it.

Key word there is "HIS" counselor! moving forward you need your own counselor advising you on what is best for you!! You need your own separate support system. This isn't about who was right or wrong its about learning as you move forward.

It sounds like you are figuring things out and setting a boundary of him not coming home but remaining in some kind of continued recovery program like sober living, step down rehab program, etc if and when he finishes rehab, is a good one to set for yourself.