Boyfriend Left me After Rehab...
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 9
Boyfriend Left me After Rehab...
I have dated an alcoholic on and off for 4.5 years. In his last stay at rehab (of 35 days), he was very much wanting me in his life and told me he was ready to commit etc. I don't drink and was a good influence on him so he always liked that plus I thought we had a special bond. He is 50 years old. Upon getting out of rehab he relapsed for 5 days of which I helped him detox and get into sober living. After a couple of weeks of being sober and relying on me, he left me for a 31 year old girl from rehab who was emailing him. He had told me about her in rehab and said she reminded him of me.
Anyway, point is it seemed he was happy to be sober and wanted to be free without commitments and he is a narcissist by TEXTBOOK standards.
He seems to be doing well -over 60 days sober, and I was just so hurt that he left me overnight. It didn't make sense. What goes through people's minds in new found sobriety. He seems committed to AA etc, but seems to have NO feelings other than arrogance and happy to be sober. And very into himself. I feel I was used? Can someone really walk away from someone they love with no feelings of grief-just on to the next girl where it is easy and new?
Anyway, point is it seemed he was happy to be sober and wanted to be free without commitments and he is a narcissist by TEXTBOOK standards.
He seems to be doing well -over 60 days sober, and I was just so hurt that he left me overnight. It didn't make sense. What goes through people's minds in new found sobriety. He seems committed to AA etc, but seems to have NO feelings other than arrogance and happy to be sober. And very into himself. I feel I was used? Can someone really walk away from someone they love with no feelings of grief-just on to the next girl where it is easy and new?
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
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Originally Posted by AARL 
Anyway, point is it seemed he was happy to be sober and wanted to be free without commitments and he is a narcissist by TEXTBOOK standards.
Can someone really walk away from someone they love with no feelings of grief-just on to the next girl where it is easy and new?
Can someone really walk away from someone they love with no feelings of grief-just on to the next girl where it is easy and new?
Let him be. I would suggest absolutely no contact and to try to heal and move on with building a healthy life for yourself without one more moment devoted to this man.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 19
Two addicts meeting in rehab getting together sounds like a recipe for disaster. Chances are good he will relapse, realized he messed up and try to come back. Honestly it sounds like you deserve better and if that time comes I'd say don't let him back in.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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The love here -addiction. I have seen people direct their 'good feel' in many facets of their lives. They do not look at their problems. The use drugs, they use other people- for shelter/money/sex/gambling/food/alcohol/safety. They do not look at themselves- do not/can not. Either way relationships in early recovery are a waiting time bomb if not met with deep- sincere, hard work to recover- through proof of action. Not by promises, lists, plans- but by action.
I am about a year into recovery. I have had several (when clean/straight) nice women check me out (as told to me by others) as a potential partner. I offered an ear to listen, empathy- but no more. I ran very fast. Recovery first. My self- to heal and grow not to drink and destroy.
I think you are better off away from this damaged web.
Prayers.
I am about a year into recovery. I have had several (when clean/straight) nice women check me out (as told to me by others) as a potential partner. I offered an ear to listen, empathy- but no more. I ran very fast. Recovery first. My self- to heal and grow not to drink and destroy.
I think you are better off away from this damaged web.
Prayers.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: California
Posts: 2,722
AARL,
While it hurts like heck now, not too long from now, you'll see it as a blessing. It's good that he's newly physically sober, but he's far from being "in recovery". Being in AA for quite a few 24 hours, I can say it can take quite awhile for the ego to be smashed and develop some resemblance of humility.
In the meantime, let him crash and burn with the new gal. You've been saved a lot of heartache.
I agree with the idea of checking out Al-Anon.
Lastly, if this means anything, if you ever do date an AA, please make sure he has over a year of sobriety, an AA home group, actively working with a sponsor. You might even ask him if he has a commitment and any sponsees.
Man, did your post bring back memories!!!!
While it hurts like heck now, not too long from now, you'll see it as a blessing. It's good that he's newly physically sober, but he's far from being "in recovery". Being in AA for quite a few 24 hours, I can say it can take quite awhile for the ego to be smashed and develop some resemblance of humility.
In the meantime, let him crash and burn with the new gal. You've been saved a lot of heartache.
I agree with the idea of checking out Al-Anon.
Lastly, if this means anything, if you ever do date an AA, please make sure he has over a year of sobriety, an AA home group, actively working with a sponsor. You might even ask him if he has a commitment and any sponsees.
Man, did your post bring back memories!!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 120
Narcissists are often substance abusers. A true Narcissist will not care about your feelings. If you are certain he is one, then expecting any different is like trying to nail jello to a tree. This new woman must provide something for his ego. She would be a new feed for him. It is possible he sucked you dry and there was nothing left for him to take. You saw the worst parts of him and Narcissists cannot stand being exposed. The new one is a fresh start for him. Rest assured that he is not happy. It is impossible to achieve true happiness as a Narcissist.
If you knew what he was and stayed anyway, what did you think the end result would be? They do not change. They can't. The best thing for you to do is go no contact. They hate that more than anything. You cannot heal from a narcissistic relationship while being in contact, and healing is what you need. This guy is never going to be any good for you. He is emotionally unhealthy. The most healing thing you can do for yourself is get acceptance that he is what he is and it is really not about you all. If he is a TRUE Narcissist, your entire relationship had nothing to do with you anyway. I know that might feel harsh, but I have known many people like this. I have learned to recognize them pretty quickly and not allow them an inch into my life.
Heal yourself and be grateful you get an opportunity to live a normal life with someone who is actually capable of loving you and giving you what you need. You are worth that and deserve it.
If you knew what he was and stayed anyway, what did you think the end result would be? They do not change. They can't. The best thing for you to do is go no contact. They hate that more than anything. You cannot heal from a narcissistic relationship while being in contact, and healing is what you need. This guy is never going to be any good for you. He is emotionally unhealthy. The most healing thing you can do for yourself is get acceptance that he is what he is and it is really not about you all. If he is a TRUE Narcissist, your entire relationship had nothing to do with you anyway. I know that might feel harsh, but I have known many people like this. I have learned to recognize them pretty quickly and not allow them an inch into my life.
Heal yourself and be grateful you get an opportunity to live a normal life with someone who is actually capable of loving you and giving you what you need. You are worth that and deserve it.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 9
I just can't believe even if a narcissist, you can have no feelings. No empathy-he just said I can't repay you for what you have done but I need to focus on myself. While he attends AA and IOP I don't know how deep he gets and not sure he is doing the 12 steps. But he SEEMS happy-and while I think the girl will eventually get discarded, it's amazing how I am the one grieving now, and he is standing straight b/c of my help. And he said he loved me so I believed it.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by AARL
I just can't believe even if a narcissist, you can have no feelings. No empathy-he just said I can't repay you for what you have done but I need to focus on myself. While he attends AA and IOP I don't know how deep he gets and not sure he is doing the 12 steps. But he SEEMS happy-and while I think the girl will eventually get discarded, it's amazing how I am the one grieving now, and he is standing straight b/c of my help. And he said he loved me so I believed it.
He has made his choice. People can and do walk away from relationships all the time regardless of addiction issues and/or narcissism.
People say, "I love you" and still may leave the next day without a look back or a proper reason ever supplied. It happens. It's the risk one takes in this relationship game. In fact, it is everyone's right to just close the door on relationships. How one chooses to handle the closing is a mark of maturity but some are incapable. And some move straight away into another relationship and there's not one thing to be done about it except move toward acceptance.
It hurts and I'm sorry.
Walk away with dignity, grace, and self-respect. The sooner you accept he is gone (and I truly believe it is for the best), the quicker you can focus on your own recovery and healing from this broken relationship and the damage its caused you.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Hi AARL, I agree with Ringo. It is difficult now but really he has done you a favor in the long run. Early recovery and getting together with someone new is not wise for him either. Let her deal with him now.
I have a history with a narcissist and I felt really used when he left me, He left me when he found someone new. However, If he didn't leave me I would not have been able to meet a guy I ended up having a great relationship with. I remember him trying to get back together and I thanked him for leaving me in the end.
Narcissists don't see you. They see you in relation to them. I am sorry you are going through this but know you are a great person for being so supportive and caring. Even though he shows no signs of emotion that says nothing about you and everything about him. It will be tough at first but I definitely would not take him back if he comes crawling at some point. You deserve to have that kind of support and love back. You will never get that with a narcissist.
I have a history with a narcissist and I felt really used when he left me, He left me when he found someone new. However, If he didn't leave me I would not have been able to meet a guy I ended up having a great relationship with. I remember him trying to get back together and I thanked him for leaving me in the end.
Narcissists don't see you. They see you in relation to them. I am sorry you are going through this but know you are a great person for being so supportive and caring. Even though he shows no signs of emotion that says nothing about you and everything about him. It will be tough at first but I definitely would not take him back if he comes crawling at some point. You deserve to have that kind of support and love back. You will never get that with a narcissist.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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so you got the drunken narcissist out of your hair....and this is a problem why?
not to be flip....but it was an ON again, OFF again, relationship - he drank throughout most or all of it i gather, this is not his FIRST trip to rehab. that could not have been much of a picnic. and since he was so easily able to move to the next person, that says alot about how deep he had pounded the tent stakes.
often tho, when we stick around and do everything we can to HELP someone else, we come to expect a lil gratitude and commitment in return. "after all i did for you, THIS is the thanks i get?" takers take. givers give. life goes on.
not to be flip....but it was an ON again, OFF again, relationship - he drank throughout most or all of it i gather, this is not his FIRST trip to rehab. that could not have been much of a picnic. and since he was so easily able to move to the next person, that says alot about how deep he had pounded the tent stakes.
often tho, when we stick around and do everything we can to HELP someone else, we come to expect a lil gratitude and commitment in return. "after all i did for you, THIS is the thanks i get?" takers take. givers give. life goes on.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
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You are probably disappointed that you helped get this guy straight and now someone else benefits from your efforts and gets the great guy he is now.
Trouble is, he isn't fixed now. He never will be. You are not losing out on anything.
You are the prize here, not him.
Trouble is, he isn't fixed now. He never will be. You are not losing out on anything.
You are the prize here, not him.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Richmond, VA
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So none of my friends feel sorry for me that he left me (although he is popular and everyone loves him-which bugs me). Anvil-I really thought these last few months he was in love with me. I mean who can fake that??? I do not relate to deceiving people on that level. And what is funny is I still believes he loves me. He just doesn't want to commit to anything but himself and his "recovery" and his "fun." I thought he was more humble when drinking and in rehab. Anyway, all this work on yourself. IT'S NOT EASY. I lost myself so I have to find my way back and grieve-which IS NOT FUN. And can someone tell me how to let go of the anger? I mean I will run into him and I will have to be nice b/c being mean is wasted on him. He just dismisses when you are mean.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by AARL
So none of my friends feel sorry for me that he left me (although he is popular and everyone loves him-which bugs me). Anvil-I really thought these last few months he was in love with me. I mean who can fake that??? I do not relate to deceiving people on that level. And what is funny is I still believes he loves me. He just doesn't want to commit to anything but himself and his "recovery" and his "fun." I thought he was more humble when drinking and in rehab. Anyway, all this work on yourself. IT'S NOT EASY. I lost myself so I have to find my way back and grieve-which IS NOT FUN. And can someone tell me how to let go of the anger? I mean I will run into him and I will have to be nice b/c being mean is wasted on him. He just dismisses when you are mean.
I would avoid, at all costs, any places you may run into him. If, by chance, you DO run into him, DISMISS HIM. IGNORE him. Turn around silently and walk away. He does not deserve one moment, one word, one reaction from you.
AVOID /IGNORE HIM.
P.S. It doesn't matter if you still believe he loves you; he left you and has major issues and you're better off without him.
Curious -- why do you think none of your friends are "sorry" for you?
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What you're going through sucks. I feel for you.
Before you get involved with someone else, though, maybe consider what it was that made you fall in love with someone you yourself describe as narcissistic, sick, and an alcoholic? Just might help you avoid history repeating itself. Life's too short for that.
Maybe spend some time working on yourself and pursuing what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. You might find his memory fading (and hopefully, your anger) faster than you think.
Before you get involved with someone else, though, maybe consider what it was that made you fall in love with someone you yourself describe as narcissistic, sick, and an alcoholic? Just might help you avoid history repeating itself. Life's too short for that.
Maybe spend some time working on yourself and pursuing what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. You might find his memory fading (and hopefully, your anger) faster than you think.
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