Expanding

A friend of mine was denied when trying to buy a home. It made my stomach sink and made me feel so bad for her and scared for me. What is it that makes some people successful? My life has not been a picnic but I see that I have a real life second chance to make it everything I wanted it to be. Is this old guilt? I feel kind of selfish because I'm taking her pain and making it about me... I don't know how to comfort her... maybe because I know how much despair she's feeling. It's almost like an emotional flashback... and there's nothing I can say or do to make her feel better... she needs to do that on her own.

For me, life has generally been a series of struggles but I always seem to do better. I'm persistent and am willing to do things I've never done before. Is this the secret? I don't know what I'm getting at, I feel very guilty. Very, very guilty. She tells me what she deals with (her mom is an active addict and she lives with her parents) and there's so little I can do. I don't know how to encourage her to get out of that mental death trap. I see what it's doing to her life and her self esteem. I really need to take care of myself right now and I don't know how I can do that while being affected like so from these stories. It's not my life, not my experience but I feel so much for her I can feel the weight pulling me down. I feel like so many people are just, miserable! I don't know who else is going to be left... I know she will pull herself through this but I don't know at what cost.

FeelingGreat

Helping a friend change their attitude is a tough one. You have to be open to the message at the time and if she's not, you might as well not bother.

When I was in my 20s I read a book on managing your finances, and it happened I was super receptive to the message; it has informed my financial and many life choices since. Now I've lent and given this book to so many friends and family and NOT ONE has got anything out of it. I'd be surprised if they even read the first chapter. My point being, if your friend isn't ready to hear you, she won't.

There's a chance she may be so upset about the rejection that she's ready to take action. Maybe take her out for a coffee and offer to help her with formulating some goals for herself? I agree with the idea that if you want something badly enough you'll find a way to get it, so visualising what she wants might help. Beyond that all you can do is encourage.

My daughter's trigger for buying her own place was to visit some apartments for sale then realise she didn't have the savings. A year later she did.

Sorry to go off on a tangent because I realise the point of your post is why you're feeling so affected by this rejection. Would it be because you're seeing your own fears materialise for your friend? If so, it shows great empathy, and being aware of it, I'm sure you won't take it too far.

TobeC

Showing empathy is human. It's one of our more endearing qualities but you can be empathetic without assuming someone else's problems. Be a friend, listen to them but maybe don't try to fix the problem or issue at hand.

LexieCat

I kind of think it's probably the same urge to "fix" other people's problems that plagues so many of us already.

I also think you're buying into her "loser" mentality just because she was turned down for a house. Is she going to be homeless as a result? I'm assuming she has a place to live--she just wants to move up in the world (nothing wrong with that) but she's not in a financial place to do that at the moment. Doesn't mean she won't be in a year or even five years. If she wants it enough, she'll find a way to make it happen.

Yes, some of us are WAY more fortunate than others. OTOH, being fortunate in a material sense doesn't always work out as we planned, either. I was so proud of myself for buying my little townhouse, and it's been one financial nightmare after another with various home disasters--including one that has diminished the value by two-thirds of the selling price. Fortunately I can absorb THAT loss, but in retrospect, I wish I'd not made this particular purchase.

So maybe the time isn't right for her, the house isn't right for her. I'm a big believer that things happen as they should. I'm grateful I have the financial wherewithal to withstand the expenses I've encountered. Learned some expensive lessons, and also learned that there is no way to guarantee you've made the right decision.

hopeful4

I was turned down for buying a house about 2 years before I bought ours. It ended up being a good thing because even though I thought I was ready, in reality, I was not. It worked out eventually. They told me the things I needed to work on and the time frame it would likely take if I did what they told me to do (the bank).

She's s not a loser, it hurts but she will figure out a plan and get past it. Listen and support, but don't make her problems yours.

Hugs. You are a good friend, she's lucky to have you.

AnvilheadII

it's not the end of the world if one cannot secure funding for a home. it does mean that the timing isn't right and that the financial landscape needs some weeding and tending. in fact it could be a very GOOD thing if one is not that fiscally solvent to not get locked into a 30 year albatross.

we were very fortunate when we bought our home....we didn't even have to make a down payment, just sort of moved right in. house had appraised for more than it's selling price so we had instant equity. and then a year later the bottom fell out and we were $100,000 under water. yeah, great stroke of luck that!!!

she doesn't need you to fix her. or fix her feelings. it is not a competition.