Bst5881

I'm new here and looking for advice and/or anyone else's similar experience. About 6 months or so ago I discovered Suboxone in my husband's jacket and once I googled what it was, confronted him and he admitted he was addicted to painkillers, and went to get help for it. We had been having trouble for a while and I always knew something was off, just couldn't pinpoint it. I would find pills here and there or little pill baggies but never put it all together, and he always had an explanation. His mood changed, never had interest in doing anything, and would get mad over everything. I was happy the secret was out and I finally understood what was happening. I was also proud of him for seeking help on his own. He 100% got better until about Thanksgiving, shortly after weaning off sub with help of his dr (as far as I know). Moods started changing again. We started fighting. He had a rough two weeks of withdrawal going off sub but then came through it said he felt great and was so happy. Then lies started to happen again. Little things but lies. Mid Dec at a holiday party he did cocaine with some friends. I was furious, esp bc we had discussed that he would NOT be any part of that if it happened (at this annual party a few always get cocaine, and I am actually certain my husband is the one who gets it). I told him I did not want him doing it or getting it for them and he said he definitely was not going to do that so I was furious. The next morning instead of apologizing he just went off on me about how horrible i was. I have also found a bag of adderall, another bag of some unknown white pills (looked it up and even asked a pharmacist), then I believe a leftover bag of cocaine from the party, then after he came home for a night with the boys, a new practically empty bag of cocaine. Has an explanation for all of it. He's been staying out a lot more often which is unlike him. He's a hands on father and always wants to see his boys as quickly as he can get one from work. NYE he told me he needed a break and left. Said he was going to stay at his parents. I just discovered recently thru our EZ pass statement that actually he went into NYC!!!! On NYE! I was home crying my eyes out that we were in such a bad place and he was in the city. I have asked about drugs. He adamantly denies and says this is why he never wanted anyone to know about the pain pills bc thenit would always be about the drugs if something was wrong. He told me last week he wants a divorce. This coming from the man who ALWAYS said he would never get divorced and we would always do whatever it took to make things work for our family. He's only seen his boys like 2 full days since NYE. How does someone go so quick to divorce like this? I know what I know and have seen even though he does a great job at making me think I'm crazy. Would love some other similar experiences. I'm terrified for my boys and my future right now I'm a stay at home mom and my older son (6) is starting to notice daddy isn't around. 🙁 I'm also not sure how to handle him being home with the boys. He said its crushing to him that I've implied it makes me nervous to leave the boys with him and that it's so insulting. I am completely confused and have no idea what to do here. Help!

notsleepingwell

Bst5881, welcome to SR. Sorry you have to be here. A lot of great people on this site, with oodles of experience and shared experiences. Sadly although all addicts are different, they are actually so similar and predicable.
Him blaming you, making you feel like you are crazy, and excusing all the evidence until you are uncertain that the sky truly is blue and maybe you are mistaken....all sadly so predictable.
Get busy, read as much as you can and for God's sake start protecting yourself and your children...establish another bank account that he doesn't have access to, ask people for help if you need it, have alternate plans in place in case you need to get out...(if this has been going on for some time things may have not been being taken care of...i.e. mortgage payments etc).
Believe me, addiction is not something that goes away. And most importantly....know that we are with you....you are not alone....
You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you cannot cure this!

Bst5881

Luckily it has not affected our bank account. I take care of all the bills and always have and am very on top of keeping everything in line. Unfortunately for me he has access to other money bc of business. It's just amazing - I have caught him in so many lies and have found actual drugs but yet I still question it all even though I KNOW what I am seeing. He keeps telling me to stop trying to make him out to be something he isn't and this is just bc we fight too much. The manipulation is incredible. I'm just trying to focus on each days craziness - my boys are young and have very hectic schedules so I am just focusing on keeping them busy and happy, but at the end of each day I'm tired, sad, angry, confused you name it. I'm afraid to actually tell his family what I think is going on. Only his father knows about his precious addiction but he'll keep the secret. They are a family of secrets. My only hope is his one sister who I am close to - she will hear me out but what I fear is that exposing this secret will really just push him forward with divorce.

AnvilheadII

he IS using.....and he is using A LOT.

think of this....if YOU can find the pills, the powder, the baggies, the whatever.......SO CAN YOUR CHILDREN.

you are correct NOT to trust him alone with the children. he has proven himself UNtrustworthy. he has been lying to you for a long time. he has been using for a long time. by the time WE find out, figure it out, the problems are much bigger than we care to admit.

See what you SEE.

Know what you KNOW.

don't be 100% sure that he hasn't opened accounts of which you are unaware that could be adding to your debt. addicts are sneaky, crafty and quite resourceful. this isn't JUST about the coke, or the pills, it's about ALL of it. and NONE of it is your fault.

Ann

I agree with all of the above. It is what it is, no matter how he tries to disguise it. Trust your instinct, it will never steer you wrong.

It sounds like he may be selling as well as using drugs, and that could put you and your children in danger as the police could raid your home or worse, consider you an accomplice. We had a member here once who did a year in jail, lost her home and her children for just taking phone messages from her drug dealer husband's supplier.

I am so sorry you are going through all this and don't want to scare you...but sweetie, this IS scary and you need to put some money aside in your name and where he won't find it, so that if you need to leave in a hurry, you will have the means to survive.

I am glad you found us and please know you are among friends here who truly understand.

Hugs

Pillow

Your story is all too familiar... The lies, secrets in family, drugs, defensiveness, etc etc
I felt the same way about knowing it was happening but not wanting to believe it.
Take care of yourself, addicts will lose everything for their DOC..
He shows all signs of using so he probably is. I don't have kids (I walked away before that was even an option for us) but personally I would not want my kids to grow up in this toxic environment.. If you are feeling this way, the kids will be effected.
Trust your gut. I wish I had trusted mine sooner.

Keep posting!

PuzzledHeart

As somebody who unfortunately experienced identity theft, I would advise you to check your credit report (which you should be doing anyway once a year) to see if there are any lines/credit cards that have been opened in your name. If you can afford credit monitoring, go for that too. You do not want any surprises.

Your kids deserve not just any dad, but a sober, drug-free dad. Don't settle for scraps.

Sunshine1234

I was in such similar shoes as you months ago. I always had my suspicions but I always chose to believe him because he was just oh so convincing. Not until I got out could I truly see things for what they were. My ex was addicted to Suboxone and who knows what else. I would find things and like you said I would STILL believe him and then feel guilty for accusing him. I have two small children and now we are in a major custody battle. Have you seen an attorney yet? You may not be ready but it was still so helpful to talk to an attorney to see what my next steps should be. I would ask if he would submit to a hair follicle test (at a facility, not a take home test because these are not admissible in court and you may need this down the road). Until he can do that, keep all visits supervised with your kids. Texts and emails between you two are admissible in court so don't engage. Any drugs that you may find, take pictures. The more evidence you have the better. It's all extremely overwhelming but your kids come first and ensuring their safety is crucial. You have found a great site full of so many wonderful people that have such experience and great advice to offer. Read as much as you can...we are here for you.

Bst5881

Thank you Sunshine. I'm so sorry for your situation as well. It's so difficult. My husband's first bout with this addiction was this last time so this is all incredibly new to me. His parents have both themselves had pill addictions bc of medical stuff plus his father's side of the family has addiction. I'm trying hard to stay strong. He told me he took a drug test with his sub dr and will get it for me but of course I've seen nothing. I keep insisting I see it but there's always some reason why I don't. He sent me a picture of a take home test result which made me laugh. It was just the result pic - could have been a google image for all I know. Or apple juice in a cup. I told him I need to speak with his Dr and if the results are negative than it shouldn't be this big of a deal. I know that there is nothing I can do if he has relapsed and only he can get himself out but it's so terrifying.

Pillow

Mine works at an office so he did some fancy plagiarism at work and brought me a fake suboxone report. Also borrowed urine from non users and used it for my take home urine tests.

They always find ways to trick the ones that love them the most.
Always prepare yourself for the worst. It sucks but it's the sad truth

Sunshine1234

My ex said the exact same thing about showing me results from his sub doctor. He was so adamant about it but here I am 9 months later and have yet to see it. He kept telling me he would take the hair follicle test too and would always ask me for the facility info. He recently did a urine test after he told me months ago they don't give urine tests to addicts. I'm not buying any of it. At the end of the day you can't be chasing him around for tests. As they say on here sober look sober. Always go with your gut. You may not be even close to thinking of leaving him but prepare yourself just in case.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

When you are addicted to coke, or legal coke I will call it (aderrell), or pain pills, from what I understand that is all you think about. It overrides everything important in your life, and every person. It's your wife, your child, your obsession.

There is a book called More, Now, Again by Elizabeth Wertzel. It's her story of how she became an addict, and her thought process along the way. It was absolutely eye opening to me. I recommend it.

My X promised the moon when I told him I wanted a divorce, but I realized he had already been making those same promises forever and never followed through. Time was up. I had to come to the realization he was an addict, and did I want me, and my children, to live like that for the rest of my life.

They have to be willing to want change so badly they are willing to work for it every single day, for the rest of their lives. It's a big commitment not many are ready or willing to make.

Tight hugs. Keep coming back here. Keep reading. Read the stickies at the tops of the forum, lots of good info there. And most of all, do everything and anything to protect your children.

Bst5881

Thank you. I downloaded the book and have already begun reading it and have gone back to read the stickers as well. It is all very helpful right now. It's very hard for me figuring out how to maneuver all of this especially with my kids. My older son is DESPERATE to see his dad who he worships and I cannot disappoint him so I am forcing schedules that work for us. I am almost always here when he is but I am also drowning in exhaustion from being suddenly on my own and sometimes I need a little time for myself. My kids are 100% my priority - they are all I am thinking about. I have already spoken with a lawyer and know what could be ahead of me. I have been to an AlAnon meeting and am personally seeing an addiction therapist who really understands and is very helpful. I also am trying to gear myself up to drop this bomb on one of his sisters this week so she knows what's going on. She's my only hope in his family. I just need to tell someone else bc if I kept this secret from his family and something happened to him I'd never forgive myself. I am already so sick of being so obsessed with all of this. I'm also starting to wonder if he told me so quickly that he wants a divorce as a distraction - it's a good way to try and take the focus off what he's doing I think. Seems foolish to me for him to be so aggressive with me on divorce knowing what I know and could expose in a court 🙁

atalose

When you say his sister is your only hope in his family, what do you mean? Are you thinking that his sister can make him stop using drugs?

Bst5881

Not that she can make him stop, I'm sure he'll deny it to her too, but his family is a family of secrets. They always have been. His own parents have been addicted to pills themselves and I already caught them once lying to me to cover for him since he left. I am certain they don't know this is happening but I know they won't believe me and they'll think I'm just saying bad things about him bc he threatened divorce. I am very close to one of his sisters (the other sister will prob react the same as parents) - I know she will at least hear me out and it will make sense to her. Not expecting her to do anything with it but feel like I need to explain it to someone in his family so they understand - bc I assume he will eventually tell them I'm not letting him see the kids (if it gets to that point) and I want someone to know why. Hope that makes sense.

atalose

I think it's good to not have any expectations with anyone in his family regarding his drug usage.

I think it's natural that we want to defend ourselves but I have learned defending yourself to dysfunctional people is a waste of energy. His own actions will eventually speak volumes because he's only going to get worse.

Hechosedrugs

Yes to every poster on here!

Oh, what my STBXAH used to be able to convince me of. All of the drug tests were false positives, or he had used ONCE but was really sorry and totally wouldn't do it again... until he did.

And the fraud! The identity theft! I'd found out, and he would be really truly sorry! He was going to stop THIS time... but then he didn't.

And the family I reached out to! Knowing they were dysfunctional and had swept his mother's addiction under the rug for centuries. And LOL I even reached out to her! Because he's her son, and surely she'd want what's best for him!

It's insanity. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

This struck me:

"This coming from the man who ALWAYS said he would never get divorced and we would always do whatever it took to make things work for our family."

My ex was always soooo against divorce. We were going to make things work, come hell or high water! He wasn't going to let me go! It was really very romantic in my twisted mind. I loved it. But then when I got serious about REALLY taking care of finances, demanding that we see a financial advisor? Oh, man, he was outta here! He was ready to be done! It was baffling to me. After all we'd survived, money was going to be the end of us? What I didn't realize was that he was protecting his addiction. THAT came first. It had always come first, I just didn't see it.

Hope you can find peace soon.

Bst5881

My husband told me he's filing for divorce this week. My life has been completely turned upside down. So unfair. I am confident that this is either bc he relapsed, is cheating on me, or both but the fact is I'll never know FOR SURE. It's a really confusing and terrible feeling to know that your spouse is filing for divorce, and you actually have no real idea why. And I am positive I'll never find out. He will never confess to relapsing, or cheating so it doesn't even matter. I'm a person who needs things to make sense, the dots need to connect, and this situation making NO sense at all is torture to me.

Sunshine1234

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Divorce isn't easy. However, when I was going through my separation initially I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Nothing connected at all and I'm like you in the sense that I need things to make sense. Someone told me on here that dealing with someone in active addiction is a lot like being in twilight zone. I was also told that more will be revealed and man has it ever. You may never find out the whole truth but things will start to unravel and become more clear to you. As painful as it is, you and your children will be much better off when you are in an environment where you DO know what's going on. Protect your kids and try to stay one step ahead of him so you can make sure your kids are protected when it comes to the courts.

AnvilheadII

Bst5881 -i know it seems like this all JUST happened, out of the blue. but if you could take a breath, and think back over the last year or two, you'd probably SEE that things have been coming apart for quite some time now.

his drug use didn't start yesterday, or last week, it's been ongoing. from the incidences and types of drugs you describe, this guy ain't no rookie. the problem with addiction is that when at one time the addict was able to hide the use, or still give off the appearance of having it together, that phase doesn't last long and then the beast is out and on display.

you need to get a lawyer. NOW. i know you are hurt and confused, but that does not change the REALITY of the situation. you must deal with this head on. i wouldn't bother "telling" his sister, cousin or great aunt martha about his problem. sounds like they breed problems in that family. you have exactly ONE life ring - you can either don it yourself, or throw it into the ocean towards someone that doesn't even WANT it. you choose.