enfinthechange

Hi everyone - this is about my 4th serious attempt at being sober, and its going so well, 20 days in and I am embracing the change, I am not even thinking of one day I might drink again, or feeling sorry for myself... I'm almost sure I will self sabotage/screw it up, and am wildly overconfident, but I feel so good and happy and aware of this new life...
My husband is also on board, and though not as talkative as me, he is committed... he can see the rot, and wants it to stop..

However - emotions have been rife today and I am worried I am going to talk myself into drink by subtle sly increments... so I just want to blather at you my small inconsequential dilemma so I just can clear it and stay strong.

A friend of 10 years, who has risen to be my boss now is 40 this weekend, and I have done a whip round, card gift etc ( as I always do for people at work)... we have a complex relationship and I have quite am emotional attachment to him , and think he does to me too, but its all in looks and subtle gestures, and quite frankly does my frickin head in - I even, when drunk with him once, asked him about it, ( he just hid his face) .... and asked him to stop..... it messes with my head...

But I have worked so hard for him as my boss, even not left the place coz of him, and chat to him often, as a friend...

Anyway, turns out he is having a big party this weekend and has invited no -one from work. None of his friends... we are a small rural place, so plenty of people going.. and I found out... and quite frankly I am really upset, quite hurt and offended... but I suppose no - one knows the deeper reason it hurt me, bar 1 work friend.

I know this is ultra trivial drivel, totally stupid waffly idiotic immature crap... but I want to drink over it. And I'm not going to so I feel like my skin is peeled off... I cant hide... what can I do???

My plan said be honest, so I am, it said reach out for help so I am, it says stay close to SR so I am here not hiding.

I know its not big, or serious or grim. Sorry for wasting your time and feel free to ignore me... thanks for reading.

enfinthechange

I'm on my laptop not my phone, and was reading back over my posts - there's a few emotional things of this kind, and of this person.... hmm... I am not liking this idea of addressing an issue..... I have no false emotions to mask the real stuff. Maybe I should take this down and just pull myself together.

Delilah1

Hello,

Congrats on 20 days!!

Do you think it is possible your boss is trying to keep professional/personal relationships separate? Especially since this is a new position, maybe your boss doesn't want to take the chance of inviting one or two people from work and have others questioning whether or not he is showing favoritism.

Just a thought.

canguy

enfin

We've both been here for a while....

It's hard, crude advice....but here it is.

Don't sh*t where you eat.

I married a fellow worker and it was a total disaster. She was just in it for the money, once she had enough it was all off and all the rest of the workers took her side. Because, as we know,....women always have to take a 'side'.

It was a disgusting experience. Do not get involved. Especially not with someone who managers you. They will screw you out of your livelihood without a second thought. It makes them look good to do it.

Don't be the disposable, ok Ms enfin.? You're doing good.

biminiblue

It's not personal, enfin. Not only didn't he invite anyone from work, but you are married and this flirtation/obsession is dangerous to your sobriety, to your job, and to your marriage.

And you are right - the super-sensitivity in early sobriety is pretty hard to handle. Just get through it without drinking.

Everything passes. I've had crushes on bosses before. Never again!! It's so uncomfortable - and I wasn't married.

It's good that you posted about it. This is how you work through stuff and get outside opinions.

I'm really proud of you for 20 days.

enfinthechange

Yes you're probably right... it's probably quite rational, unlike me clearly!

enfinthechange

I know it... I know he's pissing with me as he knows it gets to me and knows I have feelings for him. Maybe it makes him feel big and clever... maybe his marriage is boring , maybe all sorts . I need to get out of there but I blew that chance,

I like you straight talking canguy. .. thanks . I need to be told.

enfinthechange

It's been going on so long Biminiblue, all through this last few years of drinking. .. it's all interconnected. .. I just want to be happy with my husband... just when I think I've got boss man out of my mind, boom I see him at work again and he's at it again and I'm obsessing again and I want to drink to screw it all.

I need to power through this, welcome the thoughts and feelings and deal with them.

I more than likely won't find another job, so will have to stay..... I worry I'm addicted to this crap too, obsessive thoughts etc, I hope sobriety gives me the tools to move on....
I still want a drink though, but I won't. ...

enfinthechange

And thank you biminiblue. .. thank you genuinely for not giving up on me, u are so kind and an inspiration x

canguy

.....enfin. You are so lucky to be married. It's a gift. I know your guy might be boring, tired, disinterested......but maybe you're just taking each other for granted? He might be lonely too....

Getting off anything is hard.....really, really hard if you on your own, no, support, nothing to fall back on. It gets lonely, boring.......pick up again, got plenty of money so just go for a week?

You married the guy......he must have had something for you. Try and keep it together....maybe not so good right now...but years on,

Hang in there sister...

enfinthechange

It's true canguy, I do love my husband and we have been through a lot... he has been so much happier lately and so much less down on me... I am trying to forget the bad stuff, it's was mainly alcohol fueled anyway ... but I suppose my self esteem is a bit crap... and this other thing grew when I was very sad and hurting in my marriage.. and offered me a secret boost of joy that someone liked me....it's wrong, and it's just lingering and hard to get rid of, like a stain!
I guess after 22 years together since we were so young, the rose tinted spectacles have fell off and been crushed under the stampede of life.. now our heart are held together with sellotape and our sobriety is fragile...

But I feel so much better talking to you guys... typing the emotions of the moment has rationalised them , made me able to deal with it and helped me NOT give in...

I still feel hurt, yes, but it's a small thing... much much more important is my husband and chiddlers. ... and sobriety for them. Hopefully this is the last throws of an obsessive crap slide , enhanced by alcohol and it will be gone!

Thank you, you are very kind and helpful!

Outonthetiles

Put the drama llama back in the barn. No good will come of this.

PhoenixJ

I constantly need to remind myself to only worry about the things THAT ARE IN MY CONTROL. Not changing my environment or people around me- but myself. I also have to ask myself- 'will this anger/resentment/upset..blah do you any good if you hold onto it?'.
Yes small rural communities are difficult. Yes work dynamics are tricky. Focus on yourself. The thinking are feelings are ok. It is what you do with this stuff that is important. Obviously booze will not help.
Keep posting. PJ

canguy

Hey...Ms enfin

You'll be ok....it will be fine.
Don't run out on your children and man.....you are lucky to have each other. Sure, it's hard......maybe he needs to wake up too. There is a better life out there for all of you okay? But a way sadder life for you on your own, seeing the kids on the weekend, awkward encounters on dating sites with other wounded drunken people.

Trust me...been there, done all of it.

Dee74

maybe - or maybe it's doing his head in as much as it has yours and he's decided he doesn't want to blur the business/personal line anymore..

or maybe he's just simply keeping work and personal life separate - like I think all the really good bosses do - and this has nothing to do with you at all, enfin?

D

canguy

Ms enfin....ppl here are giving you good advice. Workplace romance / marriage do not work out.

You are lucky..you have a life, someone to go home to, children who need you to be their Mom.... love them, enjoy it..... it will go really fast.

My tiny little guy is now a slim 6 foot something good looker that taps me on the bald spot to remind me I'm the old guy now.

Its fun. Don't miss out on it Ms enfin

Hevyn

Hi enfin. What a great discussion. Please never think your feelings are petty or too small to talk about. A lot of good & helpful points have been made here. I hope it's helped ease your anxiety a bit by getting it out in the open. Be proud of yourself for not isolating & drinking to cope. It never, ever helps - and always backfires. Take care of yourself.

enfinthechange

You are right, OOTT - that is what I am trying to do - internalising this issue wasn't working, slamming it down in my chest to death wasn't working, I just wanted real people to talk to me so I could just shov eit back on the bloody barn - and its working, This is helping, and I am not drinking! Thank you

enfinthechange

Thank you phoenix - I have been thinking a lot today, soberly, and relised I shouls prioritise myself - he has done this to me... I have been led into feelings I don't want. Yes I was vulnerable, yes I was having a very dark time, and yes I latched onto this, but I want it resolved....
Thank you for your help, it did help!!!

enfinthechange

I'm not going to run out - its taken al my will over the dark times, where it was all going to hell and I felt so bad, but all I wanted to be was happy in this family and it seems by sheer will we are turning the corner, that's why I was on high alert after my emotions let me down. Unwelcome emotions. Feelings I want and you guys have heled expunge them for me, I thank you so much canguy, you have really really helped!!!