Ohme

How funny, I looked at my last login date and it's almost exactly a year to the date.
I'm not exactly sure what brings me back here other than a really strong desire to talk to someone my problems and thinking patterns surrounding alcohol and help if I can really resolve them.
I am someone who, if I were to tell my friends and family that I'm getting sober, they would probably say that I don't need it, I'm not that bad, etc. I'm good at showing the right side of myself, and my family is so full of addicts that I am pretty normal by comparison.
My husband makes excuses for me the way I make excuses for myself. He knows that I'm so miserable and alcohol is the only thing that takes that away. Is that pretty normal in a marriage with addiction?
Here is why I think I have a problem... I don't really like anything else in my life except for drinking and eating food (I'm thinking that both binge eating and drinking are my problems). I don't eat certain foods that don't "go with" the drinks I'm having and when I sit down for both I will overindulge until my stomach is bursting and I can fall asleep.
I opened a business in September (a yoga studio) and I'm working 16 hours every day. I don't drink when I'm at work, and I don't drink and drive, but I've been trying since I started to go a month, a week, 3 days without drinking and I can't. I actually just can't right now. The business has me just way too stressed out and I have no willpower. I know how to drink just enough that I won't be bedridden the next day. I also drank way more than anyone on Christmas, but I was too tired to care if they judged me. I'm really good at keeping my mouth shut and getting quietly hammered so no one will judge me or think I have a problem.
When I look at my future, my financial goals, my trips I have planned, all of them circle around ability to drink lots and eat lots of food. I can't imagine working for a future that doesn't involve/circle around limitless drinking and eating. I love everything about it. Drinking is freedom to me. I don't know a life without it and I don't know if I would want to live it, if I'm being honest with you.
On the other hand, I have been doing this since 15, I don't think I really know who I am or ever have. People my own age (33) intimidate me. But most importantly, I'm not happy and when I don't drink I get suicidal. So I drink instead of feeling suicidal. And then I have a fairly normal life. People would say that I drink a little more than the average person but it's "not a problem or anything".

I'm really afraid of losing the only thing in my life that makes me feel ok and having nothing there when I need it the most.

HTown

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. It sounds to me like alcohol is causing you worry. I gave up alcohol about 11 months ago. My job is very stressful. My wife died of cancer less than 2 years ago. It is the best thing I have ever done. I do not miss it, and I am under less stress, less suicidal, and my relationships are better. Oh, and I have lost weight, 35 pounds. I eat what I want. I do not miss the guilt, hangovers, or negative self-talk. I love myself again.

You can have so much more in your life if you give up alcohol. You are young, do it now and be fully present in your life. Doesnt't matter about everyone else. Do it for you. Good luck

entropy1964

Well you've answered your own questions. You need help learning to live life without substances. You say you have a fairly normal life. Normal is relative and its a judgement based on what society and upbringing tell you. Being miserable without substances shouldn't be your normal. And 'looking' normal is simply an act and adds to more misery because its not genuine. You're stressed by working so much and probably exhausted from keeping up so many appearances.

So if you want to change you have to change. That probably means counseling and some kind of recovery program. A program that not just helps you stop drinking, but teaches you a new way of being. Believe me, many an addict has used their substance as a coping mechanism, and it works for a time. But then it doesn't. Then one is left with an addiction and no coping mechanism. That might be where you are.

Time to get to know yourself and accept yourself.

SoberBella1

You are at the age that I was the first time I got sober. Went through a bad divorce 11 years later & relapsed. I am back on track but life sober was so much better. You are young enough to learn how to live your life sober. Do it now before it is to late. Your health will only go down hill.

Doug39

I love everything that involves drinking and eating as well.

After 27 years of daily drinking I just could not do it anymore. During the hours of the day that I was sober (really I was hungover) life was unbearable. The only time I felt good was after I started drinking for the day.

84 days ago I realized I had two choices:

1) quit drinking completely

2) start drinking 24/7 until I lose everything including my sanity and/or until I died an early death.

I chose number 1.

Ohme

Congrats Doug on 84 days! When did your day-to-day stop being unbearable?

BrendaChenowyth

I'm not allowed to give medical advice here, but I would encourage you to find someone that is allowed to give medical advice

It is good that you recognize that you are vulnerable to depression and suicidal thoughts if you do quit drinking.. so the answer is, you need to have help with that, a doctor, maybe medication, a group of supportive sober friends that you can call when you need to get through those moments..

If you want to change, you will probably have to reach out and connect with people outside of your network of enablers.

I understand your difficulty. Some of us honestly have an easier time getting out of this because we are surrounded by people who encourage us, but I think more of us were just faced with consequences, losses, and the threat of support being shut off! We didn't have to go looking around for our motivation to stop, it showed up and got in our way.

You may have to work harder, to even decide whether you want sobriety.

I can tell you life is better sober.

ABetterWay1

Welcome back, Ohme.

Have you considered counseling to find out why you feel suicidal when you are sober? Is it possible that you have a mental health condition such as anxiety or depression that is driving not just your suicidal feelings, but your urge to drink and overeat? I have suffered from both anxiety and depression throughout my life and found out through psychiatric and psychological counseling that my alcoholism developed from my mental health issues. It did wonders to have that kind of help.

That may not be your exact problem, but from what you've described, it may be a possibility.

Wishing you freedom from alcohol and brighter days ahead.

ABW1

Doug39

I do not think I will ever have a day without some amount of emotional suffering.

But life is so much better compared to when I was drinking and during the first few weeks of my sobriety.

Aellyce

Hi Ohme,

I think it's good that you posted here. What strikes me in your post and how drinking relates to other elements of your life: it sounds like a classic story of self-medicating something(s) with alcohol. Many (if not most) of us develop a drinking problem through a version of that pattern.

You say "I don't know if I even want sobriety". Sobriety by itself of course does not seem attractive for someone who loves drinking and the effect of alcohol. The problem is that whatever positive it gives us initially and for a while, it is just not sustainable and sooner or later the negatives will outweigh the perceived benefits. Maybe look at it from a different perspective: would you want to have a life where you don't need alcohol to be content and you could be fulfilled and satisfied? A sustainable lifestyle where you don't need to be stressed, depressed, and work 16 hours daily... to just load yourself with alcohol and start the cycle over? If so, that is what I would set as a goal, and sobriety as one key tool or component to achieve it. I think some posters above have made good suggestions about approaching it from a more holistic perspective. Find out why you feel so stressed, how you could use healthier coping strategies, maybe what it is in your mentality and life that prevents your from enjoying the "normal lifestyle" you have set up for yourself without alcohol, personally and professionally.

Midwest1981

It would be great to try and unwind with something else other then alcohol after work. A nice meal, bubble bath, decaf tea or hot chocolate, maybe read a book or magazine. It is all about changing your normal routine until you go to bed.

You are at the age where alcohol will start catching up with you and you are not going to feel good the next day. You would probably be surprised how much better you will feel if you quit. Lots more energy, focus, better mental health etc. It's a good idea to see a doctor too instead of self medicating ....they may suggest something to help you.

doggonecarl

There is a lot more to fun, and a whole lot more to life, then drinking and eating. But hardly any offer the instant gratification of food and alcohol. Drinking and eating is easy. Recovery is hard.

But so much more worth it.

soberlicious

Drinking makes anything hard even harder. If you have stress, drinking exacerbates that. If you have insecurities, drinking exacerbates them. Just the physical toll it takes on the body is enormous, not to mention what it does to the mind. I can tell you that I never knew how physically sh*tty I felt every day until I quit. It had become my normal to feel like death warmed over.

Right now you are of "two minds". Part of you really wants out from under this misery, and part of you wants to drink at all costs. That ambivalence you are experiencing is the definition of addiction. Being in an addicted state is exhausting and eventually something will give. That part of you that wants to drink no matter what is the one doing lots of talking for you right now. It might help to sort out which part of you is currently in charge of things, and do something about it while you can.

Mentium

If you are happy then why quit? I'm miserable, anxious, unhappy and thoroughly fed up when I'm drinking - or rather the next day after the daily evening glugfest. If I felt great and was happy when I was drinking I wouldn't be trying to stop!

Anna

I noticed that you said you know how to drink just enough so you are not bed-ridden the next day. I had that much control for awhile, but it doesn't last. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop drinking. I hope that you decide to live a sober life.

MeSoSober

I was only going to add what Anna just said.

You're managing it now, but it will almost certainly get worse.

I can't begin to tell you the heartache and trouble I would've spared myself if I had only quit when I was 33.

Surely it's worth at least talking to a medical or other professional about and hearing what they have to say?

Thanks for your post and your honesty. We're here for you.

totfit

The first stage in changing behavior or quitting something is the "contemplative" stage. Most all of us start here and may or may not have a strong desire to quit, but are taking a good look at things.

Personally, I am a believer in a good therapist of friend for someone in the contemplative stage. I also see some thinking or thoughts you may be having that might be best examined with the help of another. We can convince ourselves of a lot of things that may or may not be "true", but are sure as heck true to us. This is not always to our benefit. Might be good to keep an open mind about quitting and explore your thoughts with another. This is a good forum, but sometimes we need a bit more.

Algorithm

Your first post on SR was over a year and a half ago, however. You may want to go back and read what your wrote back then. It sounds rather different than what you are writing now.

Ohme's First Post -

That's a year and a half already spent thinking about solving the problem. The years go on, unfortunately, and they don't come back. I know because I spent a whole lot more than a year and a half in that purgatory.

You are addicted to alcohol, and your addiction has organized your entire life around the mandate to drink alcohol as if life itself depended on drinking. Your addiction has given birth to a new, rogue mentality, and you are now of two minds, as soberlicious pointed out.

"Never say never to the possible future use of alcohol", IT says, as if it were G-d handing down a commandment. Thus far, you have been obeying ITs mandate.

Your first post on SR would indicate otherwise. This morbid "drink to avoid suicide" scenario is very common in addiction. IT views abstinence as death, and it plays hardball. IT tells you that life sucks without alcohol, so why live?

But of course, IT doesn't really want to die, IT only wants you to feed it that "life giving" alcohol, so the good "doctor" offers up ITs "medicine" for depression -- alcohol. Naturally, it neglects to mention that alcohol is a powerful depressant that brings about such morbid thoughts in the first place.

It's unlikely that you suffer from true depression without alcohol, but if you do, there is legitimate medicine available from legitimate doctors, in the form of anti-depressants. The only caveat is that they don't really work with a powerful depressant such as alcohol cancelling them out.

IT (your addiction) is really afraid of losing the only thing in ITs life that makes IT feel OK and having nothing there when IT needs it the most.

If you listen carefully, and pay attention when IT speaks, you will notice that IT has always revealed to you exactly how to beat this. ITs cardinal rule is "never say never to the possible future use of alcohol," remember?

You can break ITs back, by violating ITs cardinal rule. Say never.

Michael66

Hi Ohme. I imagine many of us didn't want to stop drinking to begin with. It was only when the costs became greater than the pleasures that I quit (and then recently had to quit again after a relapse). But it does seem you are relying on alcohol which probably means it has got its claws into you and it will be just a matter of time and then you'll find the costs (to health, work, finances and, most importantly, relationships) too high.

Until you really want to give up, you won't. Giving up is hard to begin with, and so you must really want it.

But maybe look at other people who are older than yourself and have a similar reliance on alcohol. Is that what you want for your life?

WhiskeyBent

Ohme: I get what you are saying. I want to type the same thing. Its fun. Life can be grand with a couple of drinks. Social circles dictate that alcohol is to be drank and fun to be had. I only wish it could stay in that pattern forever.

The reason Im on this forum is that didnt last for me. The fun part went away. And now im in a struggle. Are you struggling? If you are then its time for the hard work of quitting. And man, its hard work.

Im routing for you!