Trying to be myself again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Quebec
Posts: 13
Trying to be myself again.
Hi everyone.
I have a question for you acoa. I'm an acoa myself, my father is alcoholic, I'm now 36 yo. There as been years for me of not really knowing if he was alcoholic, I knew he drank but didn't know how bad was the problem.
So at 25 years, I discovered that indeed he was alcoholic. (I'm now 36)
A lot of things happened in my life in the last 5-7 years. Depression, break up, my bf died in a tragic accident.. so now I have a lot of anxiety that I can link to that but also to growing up in a home were there was a lot of insecurities.
I'm working with a therapist for all that but I have a question to ask to people who could have lived the same experiences growing up.
I remember being a teenager and my af bullying me tirelessly each diner about how I was a bad person, how I couldn't do things right.. etc..
So I grew up believing I was indeed a bad person, and extremely flawed, only thinking about herself and manipulative. I grew up as a young adult in my 20s with no self esteem (self esteem was bad no?) It changed slowly when I started to work and saw that I could be appreciated for my skills and actually I always left a job with my boss being happy about what I did for the company.
But after the depression, break up and accident..7 years ago. This was lost again. This self confidence..
I realized only recently that I'm not the one who causes the problem between me and my father.. but the alcoholism was. (well it took me a long time!!) I know when he drinks he create situations and manipulates and if I talk to him it's gonna be my fault for all the schemes in his head. So I've been no contact for 6 month and I evaluate time to time if this situation can change. I'll see when I'm ready.
Si here's the question:
What could be a process for me to learn to being myself again and not act as the image I should be in the mind for my parents. Be cause now.. I repress myself awfully because I think everyone around me wants me to be the non-flawed person I should be?!
I took the myer briggs test this week and it was all there, accurate. INFP this is me... but all these characteristics are also what he tried to change in me. So I'm in between.. knowing I should let go of the psychological terror I lived .. but at the same time I'm clinging to it and trying to be that perfect person that my parents would love me to be.
Thanks a lot everyone. This forum helped me a lot just by reading exchanges between people who live the same things as me. This forum is the reason I want no contact with my father.. and it helped me a lot. So thanks to everyone participating.
I have a question for you acoa. I'm an acoa myself, my father is alcoholic, I'm now 36 yo. There as been years for me of not really knowing if he was alcoholic, I knew he drank but didn't know how bad was the problem.
So at 25 years, I discovered that indeed he was alcoholic. (I'm now 36)
A lot of things happened in my life in the last 5-7 years. Depression, break up, my bf died in a tragic accident.. so now I have a lot of anxiety that I can link to that but also to growing up in a home were there was a lot of insecurities.
I'm working with a therapist for all that but I have a question to ask to people who could have lived the same experiences growing up.
I remember being a teenager and my af bullying me tirelessly each diner about how I was a bad person, how I couldn't do things right.. etc..
So I grew up believing I was indeed a bad person, and extremely flawed, only thinking about herself and manipulative. I grew up as a young adult in my 20s with no self esteem (self esteem was bad no?) It changed slowly when I started to work and saw that I could be appreciated for my skills and actually I always left a job with my boss being happy about what I did for the company.
But after the depression, break up and accident..7 years ago. This was lost again. This self confidence..
I realized only recently that I'm not the one who causes the problem between me and my father.. but the alcoholism was. (well it took me a long time!!) I know when he drinks he create situations and manipulates and if I talk to him it's gonna be my fault for all the schemes in his head. So I've been no contact for 6 month and I evaluate time to time if this situation can change. I'll see when I'm ready.
Si here's the question:
What could be a process for me to learn to being myself again and not act as the image I should be in the mind for my parents. Be cause now.. I repress myself awfully because I think everyone around me wants me to be the non-flawed person I should be?!
I took the myer briggs test this week and it was all there, accurate. INFP this is me... but all these characteristics are also what he tried to change in me. So I'm in between.. knowing I should let go of the psychological terror I lived .. but at the same time I'm clinging to it and trying to be that perfect person that my parents would love me to be.
Thanks a lot everyone. This forum helped me a lot just by reading exchanges between people who live the same things as me. This forum is the reason I want no contact with my father.. and it helped me a lot. So thanks to everyone participating.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,513
I'm going through similar sorts of stuff lapindenoel. The big 'being ourselves' question. A lot of us here face that vital question.
The best solution I have found so far, is not to expect too much of myself in the beginning, this sort of stuff takes experimentation and practice. Building a self takes work.
Some people don't like, and can even resent it when another in their lives seeks, and becomes autonomous, it threatens the status quo and makes it harder on YOU.
It's all wrong, because good parenting requires/demands for parents to applaud their child's reach for an autonomous self. It's the only worthwhile thing worth doing. It's everything.
Don't give a damn if it all comes out fumbling and uncertain, just do it to get the feel for your own voice and ideas. It gets better with practice.
What I do is make little changes along the way. I even make a commitment to myself that on at least ONE occasion during the day I will express my position honestly and as I am, a woman with my own emerging selfhood. If they don't like it too bad, parents' or not, your selfhood is your most precious, valuable possession. You own it.
Just one autonomous YOU a day lapindenoel, and you will gradually build the practiced skill of being yourself with EVERYONE.
The best solution I have found so far, is not to expect too much of myself in the beginning, this sort of stuff takes experimentation and practice. Building a self takes work.
Some people don't like, and can even resent it when another in their lives seeks, and becomes autonomous, it threatens the status quo and makes it harder on YOU.
It's all wrong, because good parenting requires/demands for parents to applaud their child's reach for an autonomous self. It's the only worthwhile thing worth doing. It's everything.
Don't give a damn if it all comes out fumbling and uncertain, just do it to get the feel for your own voice and ideas. It gets better with practice.
What I do is make little changes along the way. I even make a commitment to myself that on at least ONE occasion during the day I will express my position honestly and as I am, a woman with my own emerging selfhood. If they don't like it too bad, parents' or not, your selfhood is your most precious, valuable possession. You own it.
Just one autonomous YOU a day lapindenoel, and you will gradually build the practiced skill of being yourself with EVERYONE.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by lapindenoel 
I remember being a teenager and my af bullying me tirelessly each diner about how I was a bad person, how I couldn't do things right.. etc..
So I grew up believing I was indeed a bad person, and extremely flawed, only thinking about herself and manipulative. I grew up as a young adult in my 20s with no self esteem (self esteem was bad no?)
So I grew up believing I was indeed a bad person, and extremely flawed, only thinking about herself and manipulative. I grew up as a young adult in my 20s with no self esteem (self esteem was bad no?)
Originally Posted by lapindenoel
What could be a process for me to learn to being myself again and not act as the image I should be in the mind for my parents. Be cause now.. I repress myself awfully because I think everyone around me wants me to be the non-flawed person I should be?!
Originally Posted by lapindenoel
It changed slowly when I started to work and saw that I could be appreciated for my skills and actually I always left a job with my boss being happy about what I did for the company.
I made an inventory of all the positive, supporting people that were in my life as a child, and I frequently run the experiences that I had with them through my head. I have a list of these people on my computer monitor. They are mostly fathers of friends, most of my High School Teachers, an elderly next-door neighbor, and a Catholic Priest that I worked for (counting money) when I was in college. It took me several years for the list to get "mostly" complete, but I added a few people last year, about 10 years after I started this.
And, BTW, it's a lot easier for me to suggest this to someone else, than it is for me to put into practice. :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
I had a lot of fears about the fact that so many people I know wanted me to be, do and say something I'm not.
It took a long time to see those people didn't have my best interest at heart.
That's where faith had to come in.
I had to accept those people (and let them go) and ask God where he wanted me.
i could've never imagined in my own mind where that would be or with whom. And it was way better than what I had before,
All I had to do was have faith in myself and who I really was. And I needed spiritual help for all of it. Still do. Cuz I'm still at a place where certain things could bring me backwards to a part of my journey i don't need to be at.
I had to keep growing.
It took a long time to see those people didn't have my best interest at heart.
That's where faith had to come in.
I had to accept those people (and let them go) and ask God where he wanted me.
i could've never imagined in my own mind where that would be or with whom. And it was way better than what I had before,
All I had to do was have faith in myself and who I really was. And I needed spiritual help for all of it. Still do. Cuz I'm still at a place where certain things could bring me backwards to a part of my journey i don't need to be at.
I had to keep growing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Quebec
Posts: 13
Thanks everyone! 
These reply are very important and true... I will come back here and read them again when I need it.. Today I need it
As for now I've cut my father from my life and didn't contact him since November.
He tried to reach me at Christmas and I answered.. that ended with a war again about me not wanting to talk to him.. Him trying to win the argument he had in is mind about me .. How I treat him badly by not talking to him anymore (why? what argument? It's Christmas for god sake!!) It's all my fault again because -in is mind- I pinned all my anxiety and difficulties on him when I told him his alcoholism and his father's were part of a complex mix of things that happen in my life that cause anxiety.
That's always difficult.. You have a real good conversation with the A when he is sober but when he drinks again he'll use it against you by choosing specific part that suit him.
My good good good patient boyfriend (no cynicism here) told me that when I speak to him I always seem to regress in my path and I am better mentally when I don't talk to him.
Two step forward, one downward... so it seems.
Yes, faith. I use to be spiritual, believing in nature, connectivity, the flow of life and buddhists concepts but after the death of my boyfriend I lost it. If I were a christian that would qualify as moment of me loosing god... I'm not Christian but I'm not atheist either.
Yes I feel lost with my beliefs (spirituals and philosophical) WMJ1012 you are right and maybe I can slowly turn around and connect myself to life this way.
MikeH you are right... I will also make a list of people I can trust around me and the ones from my past that helped me in a positive way. Our brain always seems to pin the bad experiences... and we forget the good ones. I need to make the good memories come again by myself instead of waiting for my brain to do the job.
These reply are very important and true... I will come back here and read them again when I need it.. Today I need it
As for now I've cut my father from my life and didn't contact him since November.
He tried to reach me at Christmas and I answered.. that ended with a war again about me not wanting to talk to him.. Him trying to win the argument he had in is mind about me .. How I treat him badly by not talking to him anymore (why? what argument? It's Christmas for god sake!!) It's all my fault again because -in is mind- I pinned all my anxiety and difficulties on him when I told him his alcoholism and his father's were part of a complex mix of things that happen in my life that cause anxiety.
That's always difficult.. You have a real good conversation with the A when he is sober but when he drinks again he'll use it against you by choosing specific part that suit him.
My good good good patient boyfriend (no cynicism here) told me that when I speak to him I always seem to regress in my path and I am better mentally when I don't talk to him.
Two step forward, one downward... so it seems.
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
All I had to do was have faith in myself and who I really was. And I needed spiritual help for all of it. Still do. Cuz I'm still at a place where certain things could bring me backwards to a part of my journey i don't need to be at.
I had to keep growing.
I had to keep growing.
Yes I feel lost with my beliefs (spirituals and philosophical) WMJ1012 you are right and maybe I can slowly turn around and connect myself to life this way.
Originally Posted by MikeH
To answer the above question, I've "turned" your post around here... :-) ... I would run the following comment through my head, and try to experience the good feelings I had, when this happened:
Like the instructions on a prescription: take daily, or as often as necessary, until the "symptoms" have gone away. Unlimited refills... :-)
I made an inventory of all the positive, supporting people that were in my life as a child, and I frequently run the experiences that I had with them through my head. I have a list of these people on my computer monitor. They are mostly fathers of friends, most of my High School Teachers, an elderly next-door neighbor, and a Catholic Priest that I worked for (counting money) when I was in college. It took me several years for the list to get "mostly" complete, but I added a few people last year, about 10 years after I started this.
And, BTW, it's a lot easier for me to suggest this to someone else, than it is for me to put into practice. :-)
Like the instructions on a prescription: take daily, or as often as necessary, until the "symptoms" have gone away. Unlimited refills... :-)
I made an inventory of all the positive, supporting people that were in my life as a child, and I frequently run the experiences that I had with them through my head. I have a list of these people on my computer monitor. They are mostly fathers of friends, most of my High School Teachers, an elderly next-door neighbor, and a Catholic Priest that I worked for (counting money) when I was in college. It took me several years for the list to get "mostly" complete, but I added a few people last year, about 10 years after I started this.
And, BTW, it's a lot easier for me to suggest this to someone else, than it is for me to put into practice. :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by lapindenoel
Two step forward, one downward.
Originally Posted by lapindenoel
Our brain always seems to pin the bad experiences... and we forget the good ones. I need to make the good memories come again by myself instead of waiting for my brain to do the job.
Keep up the good work!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
It took years to become what we are when we realize that things really aren't right. It's going to take years more to undo all of that and find healing. This is a wonderful place with a ton of support, so I hope you'll stick around!
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