hearthealth

DS11 had a sleepover. Husband accused son of drinking because there were less beer. I don't think that they were. Definately not while we were awake. I don't think their was missing beer. DS tells me he won't drink because of dad. We have had many discussions about the effects of alcohol and dad's behavior. I also know that it's not completely impossible in the future. How does one know their child is drinking? Is it just a gut feeling at first. When does it start? Dad drinks openly so hiding drinks would be new. Dad drank as a teenager but I don't think it was that early.

LexieCat

Sounds to me like Dad's just pulling his usual nasty blame-everyone routine. He's a jerk.

I think most kids experiment with alcohol as teenagers. I wouldn't be hitting the panic button even if it turned out he and his buddies hit the stash. Obviously it would have to be treated as a serious matter (if only because it's illegal and you've forbidden it), but not cause to assume he's headed down the path of alcoholism.

There are indications there is some genetic tendency, but it's far from a foregone conclusion.

dandylion

hearthealth.....as for teenagers...my general advice is to know where they are...know their friends and meet their friends parents....
Make sure that they are involved in constructive activities....and have goals for the future.....Above all...make sure that they don't run with a bad crowd. Peers are the biggest influence on teen agers. Peers are the biggest part of their lives, as they go into the teen years.

Personally, I hope that someday, your home can be an alcohol free zone.....

Ladybird579

FWIW my 8 adult kids do not drink at all. They have no desire too and never will. They saw firsthand the effect it had on my exah and how it ruined all our lives and don't want it for themselves. I've always taught moderation as opposed to teetotal but they have never been interested. Ds had sip of wine and said it was disgusting. My bet is your husband is putting the blame on your son.

hopeful4

I think it depends on the kid. I can tell you hands down that if anyone told me that my DD who is 11 drank I would laugh b/c that would NEVER happen. It's just who she is. On the other hand, I think you have to look at the kid and the personality. My XAH first drank at age 10, which amazes me.

I personally would just keep a close eye on him, and definitely not blame him unless you know he did it.

heartcore

How about not having alcohol available in the house to steal during sleep-overs?

ladyscribbler

My ex used to hide and lose things all the time when he was drinking. Money, alcohol, his wallet. He'd get really paranoid and stash things somewhere, then not remember doing it. He would then rage and accuse me or my older son of stealing from him. He found his wallet in the basement rafters once, and another time it was in the freezer.

Yes it's possible that kids of that age got into the beer, but I'm inclined to think that given what you've shared here about your husband, he probably either drank it, spilled it or hid it then blacked out. That was always the case with my ex anyway.

Those kinds of accusations can be really hurtful to kids. My dad once lost a check when he was drunk. Of course we didn't know anything about it at the time. But he came upstairs in a screaming rage and tore into me and my brother. I think my brother actually got a beating over it. Then he found the check stuck on his desk a couple hours later. He bought us a box of popsicles as an apology.

hopeful4

I collect our change into a little box that I turn into church. One day the box was empty. My XAH stood there and let me accuse my kids, never once admitted it was him. He took my change to buy booze. At that time I was monitoring him, he could have no cash and only use our bank card, hence stealing my change. I could not believe he stood there and let me accuse our little girl. I felt so horrible after I found out, and I will never forget that.

I quickly learned, when choosing to believe my kids or an alcoholic, I will choose my kids.

That has been years ago, and believe me, I quickly found out none of the efforts I was doing, while driving myself nuts trying to monitor him, was doing any good. I have learned a lot since then.

ladyscribbler

100% this ^^^^^.

I once woke up to find our toilet seat missing. Literally just gone. Not in the trash, or the tub or anywhere else I looked, and I really looked. My ex went in to use the bathroom and asked me where it was. He'd been up all night drinking, I'd heard him banging around the house at various times through the night. I told him I didn't know, I'd been asleep all night and when I went to bed the toilet seat was there.

He then made up an elaborate story about how the back door had been open a little bit and someone must have come in and taken it, bypassing the TV, my jewelry box, the computer, our wallets, etc.

I don't know whether he was trying to explain it to me or to himself. He used to get really angry over any suggestions that he had blacked out, and would make up ludicrous stories when there was no way to blame someone else in the house (this included the animals, at times). He once told me, in a very self-righteous and indignant tone, "I've never blacked out in my life. I think I'd remember that!"

I suspect now that it was part of his denial mechanism. Because if he was doing crazy things in drunken blackouts, that might mean he had a drinking problem. And he didn't. According to him, his problems were caused by everything in the world _except_ alcohol.

It's sort of funny now, but when that was my life, I had very little to laugh about.

atalose

I know that my youngest son and his friends when hitting those teenage years preferred to hang out at the kids homes where beer/alcoholic was readily available. Beer in the garage frig, regular frig or bottles in an open bar were the “cool homes” where they wanted to hang out. Most of those parents were not alcoholics but were very naive on children experimenting with alcohol.

I’m wondering if you thought about al-ateen for your children. I sit in al-anon rooms filled with adult children of alcoholics working through having been blamed in some aspect of their parent’s alcoholism. Can’t imagine how hard it would be for an 11 year old to be accused of taking dad’s beer especially if they hadn’t.

AnvilheadII

you're pretty far gone when you accuse YOUR OWN CHILD, all of 11 years old, of stealing your beer. when THAT is your priority.

one of the thousands of problems that come from being forced to live in an active alcoholic household. and if you get accused of stuff long enough, you can be quite tempted to say WTF they already think i'm doing it anyways...........children of alcoholics are almost custom built to become alcoholics, or develop other addictions as a way to cope.

this seemingly innocuous moment is actual a Very Big Deal. please pay attention.

Forward12

It sounds like he just drank more than he thought, and is trying to blame your son for it. Though like mentioned I think keeping an eye on your son may be a good idea.
Alcoholism in young minds is very damaging. Some see the hell it causes, and never want to touch it, while others may think it's fine because a parent drinks all the time that it's ok for them to do so as well.