Recovering Well but it is so different.

Old 01-15-2017, 06:00 PM
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Recovering Well but it is so different.

I have great news. My Girlfriend is now almost nine months sober! Praise the Lord!!!

Although there are still so many confusing moments for me.

I have supported her and been there for her. I have even periodically given her the space she needs to heal and grow in confidence. She says she loves me....and I love her. I want to move our relationship forward...and so does she. Backstory....we had an amazing relationship for 2 years followed by about 10 months off as she was raging and trying unsuccessfully to get sober.

Now nine months post treatment she is still sober but admits bravely that there naturally are rare times it is still a fight.

My worry boils down to the fact that she is only nine months sober. Is she healed enough to know her genuine feelings? Can she trust her own thoughts on our relationship? Can I trust them too?

We are pondering buying a house and having our 5 kids merge into one space. So there is a lot at stake and I just want to hear pros and cons. My major worry is that the timing is fast approaching to make this decision as she has to move out of her rented house and know whether to buy her own or buy one together. If she could continue to rent at this location (which the landlord wants to sell) it would be another year and her kids would then be settled into their new school which is 45 minutes from my kids school. So practically it is now or maybe never.

Other behaviors that are new in the sober realm but seem to be logical are that she is less playful in spirit, she has a lower libido, and definitely has agitations. Do these things keep getting better after nine months? Or is this now the new her?

Last edited by WantsNormal; 01-15-2017 at 06:04 PM. Reason: updates
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Old 01-15-2017, 06:20 PM
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IF she stays sober, her personality characteristics will eventually settle down. I wouldn't count on their changing from how they currently are, but nine months is still early sobriety.

Which brings me to the next point, I wouldn't plan on buying a house or merging households for at least a few more months. Deadlines like "she has to move so we have to do this NOW" are asking for trouble. Decisions like the ones you are contemplating should be made free of outside pressures.

Just my experience.
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Old 01-15-2017, 06:53 PM
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I have no experience in this. Do you/have you go/gone to Al-Anon? Sobriety for her is a priority- because without it, all else falls. A careful path to treead. Honesty, compassion and patience is all I can think of.
My prayers for you all.
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Old 01-16-2017, 04:46 AM
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This realtor doesn't believe in mixing finances ( buying a property together ) unless married.... And even at that, although I am very happy for you that your girl has 9 months sober I do still believe it is a slippery slope. Call me old school....

Just my 2 cents!
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Old 01-16-2017, 05:04 AM
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Personally I would hold off for a long while. I think the stress of amalgamating two families could make her recovery very hard indeed and possibly give her an excuse to start up again. That would not be fair to the children involved as well as yourself and her. My boyfriend of over a year asked if he could move in with me recently but I said no. I am not recovered enough after 3 years ( I wasn't the alcoholic) and my kids are still adjusting even tho they are 18. She could get another rental for the time being. Kids can move school or travel on the bus.. It's not insurmountable in a year or so. Or she could rent nearer you. I'd give it time to see how things pan out. You are already not that happy about some aspects of the new her and more things could come out over time.
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Old 01-16-2017, 05:25 AM
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LOL...call me "old school", like Lilro, in some respects....
About blended families....have you read any books on the subject? There are some good ones, if you haven't. I remember the covering of this subject in a course that I was taking in Marriage and Family.....and, it was a real eye opener, as to the issues that are common. Especially, how the transitions are made...and, the unexpected pressures that can arise.....It was said that it takes about 7 years, on average, for the family to feel totally solid.....easier if the kids are toddler age....but, more difficult as the age of the kids increases.......And, the role of step-parent is a slippery one and is more thankless than lots of peo ple assume it will be.
Add to it....that the sage advice given to addicts not to make any major life decisions in the first year...at LEAST....actually, lots of people consider the first two years to be early recovery.....
NOw, I am not trying to be a negative Nellie....(I know I sound like it)...
It is just that I think that One should enter major life changes with eyes wide open. And, both parties should have their issues well in hand...
This is especially important when there are kids involved. If it were just the two of you...it would not be so very critical....
It seems like you two are riding a "winning horse"....for this early in the recovery process.....I have always been advised not to change horses in the middle of the stream,if it seems to be a winning horse.....Not "pushing the envelope".
If she successfully latches onto recovery, for the long haul....she will never be exactly the person she was when you met her..if she was drinking, then...
Genuine recovery...changes the thinking, attitudes, and the behaviors.....

I think, that, in a another year, you will have a much better view of the lay of the land......
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Old 01-16-2017, 07:24 AM
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NO to buying a house together and merging families. not with someone at just 9 months sober. not because it's "now or never". IF your relationship is sturdy, and IF her recovery remains solid, there is NO rush to do anything different.

NO she is not "healed" at 9 months sober. check in with that when she has about THREE years sober. the first year is really just learning how not to drink, how to get thru seasons and holidays and not drink. how to deal with jobs and children and not drink. how to get thru a bad day and not drink. car repairs. roof leaks. sick cats. and not drink.

a mortgage is a BIG deal. you both would be equally responsible. and there is no "easy" out if things don't work out. asking children to "merge" their lives with another family is a big deal. HER children have only had a sober mom for a few months. and she isn't all THERE yet. they've had enough upheaval.
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
NO to buying a house together and merging families. not with someone at just 9 months sober. not because it's "now or never". IF your relationship is sturdy, and IF her recovery remains solid, there is NO rush to do anything different.

NO she is not "healed" at 9 months sober. check in with that when she has about THREE years sober. the first year is really just learning how not to drink, how to get thru seasons and holidays and not drink. how to deal with jobs and children and not drink. how to get thru a bad day and not drink. car repairs. roof leaks. sick cats. and not drink.

a mortgage is a BIG deal. you both would be equally responsible. and there is no "easy" out if things don't work out. asking children to "merge" their lives with another family is a big deal. HER children have only had a sober mom for a few months. and she isn't all THERE yet. they've had enough upheaval.
This--it is certainly not in the best interest of the children, especially yours, right now.

9 months really is just the beginning, and relapse is pretty common at this stage.
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:58 AM
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I would not make a big commitment with an alcoholic until it's been years of sobriety. The reality is, there is always chance of relapse, and nine months is not long.

That being said, I don't want to discredit her either because it's wonderful she is doing this, and she cannot make time go any faster than it does. If it's meant to work, it does not have to be a now or never situation.

That is just my .02

Hugs.
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:36 PM
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From your post it sounds like one of the options is for her to buy her own place. That seems like a really healthy and positive solution. You give space to the children to blend/merge with shared experiences (sharing dinner and adventures, etc.) while allowing them the familiar comfort of returning to their "own" homes. Your lady gets to have the safety and confidence of moving toward owning her own home, while still not combining finances with you in a "make it or break it" urgency.
Then, if her recovery stays on track and a year from now you want to deepen the commitment, you could always rent her place out and all move in together.
You are showing love and commitment in the "moving towards" living together, but also in encouraging her to make an independent financial decision which will be a safety for her and give the kids the opportunity to come together as a family in stages.
My experience is that when things start feeling "now or never" urgency, something is wrong.
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