Post Script
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Post Script
What do you deserve?
Its a very pertinent question that all people that come here should be asking themselves.
I came here not asking that question. I came here asking how to get my fiance to quit drinking. The implied question was not “what do I deserve”?, rather, “what do I want”?
I wanted AH to quit drinking
I wanted AH to go back to AA
I wanted AH to address his mental issues
I wanted a home that was peaceful
I wanted to not worry constantly
I wanted to not be fearful
I wanted a “Normal” relationship
I wanted a “Normal” life.
I wanted equality
I wanted AH to want the same.
What's left out of the equation of “what do I want” when dealing with a relationship of any kind is “what do I deserve?” The path of “what do I want” does not address at all, in any way, what the questioner deserves to get out of life. In our situation it only addresses what the addict deserves – recovery, success, normalcy, stability, and sets the questioner, the millions of us who are the partners, friends, parents and siblings of the addict, on a course to provide the addict what “they” deserve. In essence we use massive amounts of energy on them with no thought to ourselves, and what we deserve to have. We become myopic staring through a long, dark, and foreboding tunnel with a pinpoint of light at the end running toward what we want. Hop on the hamster wheel, and start running toward that pinpoint of light that we will never get to. Our mind thinks that if we can provide the addict with these things, motivate them, grab a hold of them and pull them up that we will then receive what we deserve too. A normal, healthy relationship with the person we love and care about.
Its very backwards thinking. When you reach down and grab a hold of someone and free hand try and pull them up over the cliff the only thing that happens is you go over the precipice with them. There is no pulling someone up. They can only pull their own self up. Along the way we may manage to inch them toward the top, but any gain is really due to the addict's effort - it has nothing to do with our efforts and energy to get them there. We trick ourselves into believing it does, and increase the speed of our run on the wheel.
I haven't dealt with a relapse or alcohol in my home since RAH quit 4 or 5 years years ago. Yet, I never got off the wheel. Sure, things improved, and when you start with zero, which is where you are with an active addict, improvements seem to be exponential. Things that normally no one would equate to “success” are lauded over, and applauded. “RAH took out the trash today, and went to the grocery store! I'm so happy! He actually watched a movie with me!”
Really?
At the end of 6.5 years here's what I have. A relationship that began at 100/0 (unbeknownst to me at the time) is now 90/10. That's a really poor return on investment. Last summer a member here started me thinking not about what I want, but what I deserve. Take a really honest look at what I had, and I didn't like what I saw. In order for my relationship to maintain 90/10 it took 100% of my fuel every-single-day. So I unhooked the hose. I gave it no gas. It returned to 100/0. RAH did NOT rise to the occasion. He simply adjusted to it. Love is a verb. Look at what you are shown in action, not what you are told. In the breakup I saw the reality even clearer. On any given day I was told so many different things, so many things that were contrary. At some points RAH took responsibility, more often it was all my fault. Anger to crying. Desire to end it too, to pleading with me not to. Threats of refusal to leave. Exaltation at something new, to no desire to change anything. “Proofs” that what I saw was wrong. Long lists of why RAH is a catch any woman would want, and that I would never come close to getting something like him again (uhhhhh). I was accused of having a mid-life crisis (not). I was told I have issues about turning 50 (not). It was suggested that maybe I am in menopause, and need to see a Doctor (not). Maybe I need a psychiatrist (not). Manipulation. Strategy. There is one thing he did say accurate. “You are not the woman I fell in love with, I do not even know who you are”. True that. This woman is a hell of a lot smarter than that one 6 years ago. This woman wants to live, that one stopped living. This woman can take the world on, that woman was so weighted with responsibility her back was breaking.
All I ever was in this relationship was a commodity from the way I look, to my bank account, to cleaning the house.
I retired today.
Its a very pertinent question that all people that come here should be asking themselves.
I came here not asking that question. I came here asking how to get my fiance to quit drinking. The implied question was not “what do I deserve”?, rather, “what do I want”?
I wanted AH to quit drinking
I wanted AH to go back to AA
I wanted AH to address his mental issues
I wanted a home that was peaceful
I wanted to not worry constantly
I wanted to not be fearful
I wanted a “Normal” relationship
I wanted a “Normal” life.
I wanted equality
I wanted AH to want the same.
What's left out of the equation of “what do I want” when dealing with a relationship of any kind is “what do I deserve?” The path of “what do I want” does not address at all, in any way, what the questioner deserves to get out of life. In our situation it only addresses what the addict deserves – recovery, success, normalcy, stability, and sets the questioner, the millions of us who are the partners, friends, parents and siblings of the addict, on a course to provide the addict what “they” deserve. In essence we use massive amounts of energy on them with no thought to ourselves, and what we deserve to have. We become myopic staring through a long, dark, and foreboding tunnel with a pinpoint of light at the end running toward what we want. Hop on the hamster wheel, and start running toward that pinpoint of light that we will never get to. Our mind thinks that if we can provide the addict with these things, motivate them, grab a hold of them and pull them up that we will then receive what we deserve too. A normal, healthy relationship with the person we love and care about.
Its very backwards thinking. When you reach down and grab a hold of someone and free hand try and pull them up over the cliff the only thing that happens is you go over the precipice with them. There is no pulling someone up. They can only pull their own self up. Along the way we may manage to inch them toward the top, but any gain is really due to the addict's effort - it has nothing to do with our efforts and energy to get them there. We trick ourselves into believing it does, and increase the speed of our run on the wheel.
I haven't dealt with a relapse or alcohol in my home since RAH quit 4 or 5 years years ago. Yet, I never got off the wheel. Sure, things improved, and when you start with zero, which is where you are with an active addict, improvements seem to be exponential. Things that normally no one would equate to “success” are lauded over, and applauded. “RAH took out the trash today, and went to the grocery store! I'm so happy! He actually watched a movie with me!”
Really?
At the end of 6.5 years here's what I have. A relationship that began at 100/0 (unbeknownst to me at the time) is now 90/10. That's a really poor return on investment. Last summer a member here started me thinking not about what I want, but what I deserve. Take a really honest look at what I had, and I didn't like what I saw. In order for my relationship to maintain 90/10 it took 100% of my fuel every-single-day. So I unhooked the hose. I gave it no gas. It returned to 100/0. RAH did NOT rise to the occasion. He simply adjusted to it. Love is a verb. Look at what you are shown in action, not what you are told. In the breakup I saw the reality even clearer. On any given day I was told so many different things, so many things that were contrary. At some points RAH took responsibility, more often it was all my fault. Anger to crying. Desire to end it too, to pleading with me not to. Threats of refusal to leave. Exaltation at something new, to no desire to change anything. “Proofs” that what I saw was wrong. Long lists of why RAH is a catch any woman would want, and that I would never come close to getting something like him again (uhhhhh). I was accused of having a mid-life crisis (not). I was told I have issues about turning 50 (not). It was suggested that maybe I am in menopause, and need to see a Doctor (not). Maybe I need a psychiatrist (not). Manipulation. Strategy. There is one thing he did say accurate. “You are not the woman I fell in love with, I do not even know who you are”. True that. This woman is a hell of a lot smarter than that one 6 years ago. This woman wants to live, that one stopped living. This woman can take the world on, that woman was so weighted with responsibility her back was breaking.
All I ever was in this relationship was a commodity from the way I look, to my bank account, to cleaning the house.
I retired today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning Red,
WOW! Great post. You pretty much summed it up! Funny, I know for myself that the only way I was able to clearly see what a disaster that relationship was I had to step out and completely disconnect. We run through it trying to put out fires that we don't have time or ENERGY to stop and think about ourselves, OUR wants, OUR needs.
Good for you my friend for sticking up for yourself by saying NO MORE!
The best is yet to come. I am sure of it.
Xo Ro
WOW! Great post. You pretty much summed it up! Funny, I know for myself that the only way I was able to clearly see what a disaster that relationship was I had to step out and completely disconnect. We run through it trying to put out fires that we don't have time or ENERGY to stop and think about ourselves, OUR wants, OUR needs.
Good for you my friend for sticking up for yourself by saying NO MORE!
The best is yet to come. I am sure of it.
Xo Ro
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
On any given day I was told so many different things, so many things that were contrary. At some points RAH took responsibility, more often it was all my fault. Anger to crying. Desire to end it too, to pleading with me not to. Threats of refusal to leave. Exaltation at something new, to no desire to change anything. “Proofs” that what I saw was wrong. Long lists of why RAH is a catch any woman would want, and that I would never come close to getting something like him again (uhhhhh). I was accused of having a mid-life crisis (not). I was told I have issues about turning 50 (not). It was suggested that maybe I am in menopause, and need to see a Doctor (not). Maybe I need a psychiatrist (not). Manipulation. Strategy. There is one thing he did say accurate. “You are not the woman I fell in love with, I do not even know who you are”. True that. This woman is a hell of a lot smarter than that one 6 years ago. This woman wants to live, that one stopped living. This woman can take the world on, that woman was so weighted with responsibility her back was breaking.
Originally Posted by redatlanta
All I ever was in this relationship was a commodity from the way I look, to my bank account, to cleaning the house.
I retired today.
I retired today.
Go redatlanta! I know it hurts and is exhausting and sad...but this is day one of your future. You're incredible. Thank you for sharing your powerful words with us. Tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
What a timely post. I was so upset about husband not doing anything Thursday. Saving homework for me to go over at 845pm. Friday I did my things being pleasant but not engaging. I know he knew something was different. He even offered to help set the table and clear the table but didn't enquire about the change of behavior. This morning he tried to put his arm around me but I was busy. He brought me a cup of coffee.
He doesn't get that it's too little too late. I'm packing up and so done with this.
He doesn't get that it's too little too late. I'm packing up and so done with this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
"A really poor return on investment."
I just started dating someone right now who doesn't feel like an "investment" at all. It feels like me receiving and giving in a natural, equal, easy way. I don't know if it will evolve into relationship, but just tonight I thought "wow. How different it feels to seek what I deserve." I deserve at least as much as I give. On a hard day, I deserve to receive more than I am able to give. Who knew?
What a fabulous post. Thank you.
I just started dating someone right now who doesn't feel like an "investment" at all. It feels like me receiving and giving in a natural, equal, easy way. I don't know if it will evolve into relationship, but just tonight I thought "wow. How different it feels to seek what I deserve." I deserve at least as much as I give. On a hard day, I deserve to receive more than I am able to give. Who knew?
What a fabulous post. Thank you.
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