Pillow

I left.
It's been a month and I'm still broken.
I walked away from his addiction and in turn our 1 year marriage and him.
I tried hard, I worked endlessly to make it work..to make him better..to help him with his recovery.. But nothing matters as much as smoking heroin and I understand that now. This demon has taken over my loving, caring and beautiful husband (soon to be ex I guess. Not that I know anything about divorce, separation etc. It's such an embarrassing/taboo topic in my culture)
I am glad I did everything in my power to help him so I have less regrets or guilt for walking away. I told him I walked away from his addiction and not him.

After I left, I was sad. I was depressed. I was upset. Now I am feeling angry.
More and more lies are coming out and I feel like his whole family cheated me. Everyone pretended they had no idea he was an addict in hopes that I would marry him and stick around - in their minds they thought I could fix him.
If love could fix things, why would anything ever break?
I am mad because he lied so much..his parents, his family.. All lied to me so much. He's an addict, obviously he's going to lie! Why did his family lie for him?! And I was so stupid. So so so stupid to believe everything.

I understand he's sick. He's an addict. He has a sickness. But why use me? Why put me through all of this? Am I that worthless? Why would his family let me go through all of this?! I don't think I would ever be able to even think of ruining a girls life like this. Don't people have a conscious?

I thought we were meant to be. Silly eh? Known each other all our lives, dated for many years, got married. Everything was perfect. Except it wasn't. He had been lying to me for years.. I guess it started with small lies and ended up becoming bigger and bigger.. Now it's all coming out slowly from different sources (sources that could have warned me years ago and prevented most of this ********) Then the addiction came into play and it all spun out of his control.
I'm sad for him. But I'm sad for myself too. I don't think I will be able to trust again. So many lies, so many liars.

I know I'm only late 20's and I have my whole life ahead of me.. But it's so scary to think all this happened and I feel like ****. It hurts more because I think a part of me will always love who he used to be. So many years together, so many beautiful moments - impossible to forget it all.

Thanks to everyone on SR that used to read my rants and give me advice. I'm thankful for you all.

PhoenixJ

Prayer sent to you and for him.

Hechosedrugs

I'm so sorry, Pillow.

Right now you're at the hardest part. It will take a while to heal, but you will. Trust yourself. Trust that you made the right decision, because really, what other choice did you have? You gave him so many chances.

Zoso once told me about my ex, "There's nothing left there. He made sure of that."

Prayers to you. I hope you have good support where you are- people who have been through something similar. It is so essential.

Stay strong.

cynical one

The lies I was told were not nearly as harmful ...as the lies I told myself.

Ann

Pillow, many years ago I watched a bride walk down the aisle, about to marry my heroin addicted friend. I knew how bad it was...and it WAS bad...and I had not lied, but I had said nothing.

I've always regretted that and since I cannot say "I am sorry" to that poor bride, I will say it to you. I am sorry, Pillow, for all those who didn't let you know the sad truth, no matter how good their intentions.

My friend's wife lasted less than a year, her heart was broken but today she is happily remarried to a wonderful man who doesn't ever drink or do drugs and never did.

I pray that you can find your way through this, I can only guess how painful this all is for you. But you did the right thing.

Leaving a marriage where addiction lives is like closing a door on an already empty room.

You will be okay, you are stronger and wiser and you can hold your head high. Anyone who judges you is not worthy of your friendship.

Hugs

solicitude

I've been through a similar situation... I just want to point out that this has nothing to do with you and all to do with his and their problems. The "Am I that worthless" thing is not a good mindset to allow for yourself. You are the one that is trying, caring, and honest. You are the one that is looking out for the future. You are worth it all. You just need to realize that some people are just gonna be selfish and crappy to whoever is in their lives, especially an addict. Addiction ruins lives, not just of the addict but of everyone involved. His family is full of victims that are codependent and probably don't fully understand the extent of the problem, themselves. They might have thought it would easily fix itself if he changed his life that much.
I was in the same shoes 3 years ago. I dated a guy I worked with, he was in the late stages of an outpatient rehab (and still using) and I didn't know. His family didn't tell me, he didn't tell me, no one told me. And when I found out, I still didn't understand the seriousness of a heroin addiction. I thought "well he can just rehab and stop, right?" Wrong. It's not that easy, and the person has to work so so so so so hard to stay clean, and even then, after years of rehabilitation and/or sobriety the person could still relapse and be in the same situation as before.
Just know that when someone treats you poorly (addict or not), it isn't about you being "worthless" it is about them having problems. Only you can decide your worth, not someone else. Never let someone else define, for you, your worth.
Good luck <3

Pillow

Thank you for all your beautiful responses. I fully cried like a baby reading them. I can't thank you all enough for the words of wisdom. I have not been to any face to face naranon meetings and to be honest I don't think I will be able to go. SR has been my ONLY outlet for this addictions effect in my life and I am thankful for it. I think I will just ride out this wave of emotions and hope for the best. I just want this chapter of my life to close so I can move on.

Praying for you all.

Ann

Pillow, I am glad you are going to stick around. SR has been a wonderful support source for many here.

Melody Beattie once said "Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give." That phrase jolted me awake years back when I realized that my son, as an active addict, was incapable of giving his family the love and respect we all deserved. He was incapable of loving himself, and incapable of loving others, because that's what addiction does to our loved ones.

When I stopped "expecting" him to be different, I stopped being disappointed and hurt. Life is what it is and it was time for me to get on with living my own life and practicing my own recovery.

"Language of Letting Go" is a terrific daily read, written by Melody Beattie. Maybe find a copy and make it part of your daily inspiration.

Hugs
Ann

Pillow

Thanks Ann. I will definitely look into that book. I do love reading and I am always looking for a new read.
I am literally hoping to just walk away from addiction overall.. I know it's easier said than done.. But I realize that I do not need to stick around to see him ruin his life and I will not allow him to ruin mine any longer. I cannot stick around. I hope to grow as person and not a codependent or enabler or wife of an addict. I hope to grow as MYSELF! In an addiction free life.

Any other book recommendations (not about addiction, more about self help and growing) are greatly appreciated!

Thanks again