I love him so much but what should I do?

Old 01-13-2017, 07:01 PM
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I love him so much but what should I do?

Hi there, I just found SR a few days ago and have been trying to learn as much as I can about alcoholism, as I know very little - this is my first post!

I am in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend of one year, who is an alcoholic and has been drinking problematically for a few years now. It seems as though he was doing alright for some time (however I can't be too sure what was lies and what wasn't), but starting around last October he has really been falling apart, when he received a job offer but didn't show up because he was drinking too much.

I just really feel at a loss about what to do. The thought of breaking up with him is so painful because he is truly a wonderful guy outside of his disease. He never drinks when we are physically together, and he has never been violent towards me in any way. However, he has hurt me so much with his lies about his drinking behavior and the terrible communication when he's passed out drunk. The fact that he is slowly killing himself is what hurts me the most.

A few days ago I came home from visiting him for a couple weeks, where I found out he was in the ER two times in the span of a week. I told him that I can't stand his drinking and if he drinks after I leave, I will have to call it off. He started taking Antabuse the next day and has been taking it every day since then (to my knowledge). However, after I got home the communication is still terrible, just like before when he was drinking so I can only guess as to what's going on. Long distance just seems so impossible combined with drinking. I really don't want to break up with him because we both love each other a lot (at least he loves me in the ****** way an alcoholic is capable of) and when we are together everything is fine. Nonetheless, his drinking behavior hurts me and I just can't figure out whether I should leave.
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Old 01-13-2017, 08:12 PM
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Welcome to Soberrecovery Joy! I hope you find lots of support here.

The best thing you can do in your situation is take care of yourself and find some support. If you haven't done it already, try a couple of Alanon meetings. They are all a bit different so try a few. They don't work for everyone but for many they are a life saver.

Also look for Codependent No More . It is a bit of a bible in these parts and can be helpful.

As you, no doubt, have noticed, loving an alcoholic is no joke. What you are dealing with is super painful. Unfortunately you can do little to nothing to help him as he walks this journey. However you can improve the situation by getting help for yourself.

Keep reading and posting. Let us know how you are doing.
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Old 01-13-2017, 09:45 PM
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Hi Joy, glad you found SR. There is a lot of wisdom here.

I know you love this guy but his drinking is way out of control and you (rightfully) do not trust him any further than you could throw him. Lack of trust in a relationship, for any reason, makes for a lot of heartbreak.

Landing in the ER, losing a job, passing out drunk, lying to protect his drinking - you do not need this in your life. Even if he's wonderful and holds it together when you visit. The second you leave he's drunk and lying.

What does your gut tell you to do?

Keep reading the many posts here of people with an A partner. We all understand what it's like to love an addict. Keep posting.
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Old 01-14-2017, 02:30 AM
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He has to want recovery- you can't change that no matter how much you love him. There is a program for you and your recovery- Alanon. This is for you. Sometimes we think we are saving them but we are actually loving them to death by slowing down their "bottom." He has to hit bottom in order to come out- but it isn't based on what you do. "Recovery is an inside job." and that goes for us too !
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Old 01-14-2017, 05:23 AM
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Good Morning Joy and Welcome to the forum!

It's pretty early so if I am a bit unable to eloquently thread together a sentence please forgive me but I need to comment on this post.

You have already received some great advise above. Please get yourself into an Alanon meeting so you can see/hear exactly what it is you are dealing with. Read around the forum, read the stickies on top. I'm not sure if you have had any experience with being in a relationship with someone that has an alcohol problem but Hun it is no joke! Every one of us here for the most part was at one time or is in love with our alcoholic, you are no exception but a sentence in your post stuck out to me.. " he loves me as much as an alcoholic can ". Is that the kind of love you are looking for? Why would you settle for that? Yes, settle. What is it about YOU that makes you believe you do not deserve sooooooooo much more than that from someone?? These are questions I would be asking myself.
You say that he doesn't drink when he is with you. Hmmmmm.. I can almost guarantee that he more than likely is drinking, just hiding it better.
You are a year in. A year! Many here on this forum have been in 10/20/30 years, married, children, their lives are falling or have fallen apart being the partner to a person with alcoholism. You my love have a huge advantage plus it's long distance. think about what the future holds for you if you continue on with this "relationship" ( and I use that word lightly ). Your relationship is with him... His is with alcohol. You, your wants, your needs, will ALWAYS come second even if he gets help, ALWAYS. Think about it!
We are here for you.
Ro
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Old 01-14-2017, 11:11 PM
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Alcoholics are often charming people. We fall in love with the best parts of their beings. It is understandable that we fall in love.

Active alcoholics are slowly committing suicide. If we choose to love them, we are choosing a path which - even without abuse or conflict (because there are some gentle alcoholics out there) - end-story with the trauma of loss.

I loved an alcoholic who was a long distance relationship for 2.5 years. He had a secret life which - I don't think - involved other women. I think he actually loved me back. But he "made it through" our shared time sober or sort of sober, & drank compulsively when we were not together. Your point about the communication is apt - my experience is that he was always absent in communications when we were apart, because he was sitting in his special chair, drinking himself into oblivion. It hurt, & I was far away & worried & hurt. Constantly.

He had periods of sobriety, but never embraced a recovery lifestyle. He drank himself into many medical crisis which were terrifying - & hurt.

Ending the relationship was difficult. I loved him, & the loss of him hurt.
But here's the thing. He was already lost to me. He was lost to himself. And the only realistic future was his loss - through some version of an alcoholic death.

He didn't contain the capacity for partnership. He just couldn't give me what I wanted - which was someone who might be there for me.

Just because we love someone doesn't mean they are destined to be our partner. And that's ok...
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Old 01-16-2017, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by heartcore View Post
Alcoholics are often charming people. We fall in love with the best parts of their beings. It is understandable that we fall in love.

Active alcoholics are slowly committing suicide. If we choose to love them, we are choosing a path which - even without abuse or conflict (because there are some gentle alcoholics out there) - end-story with the trauma of loss.

I loved an alcoholic who was a long distance relationship for 2.5 years. He had a secret life which - I don't think - involved other women. I think he actually loved me back. But he "made it through" our shared time sober or sort of sober, & drank compulsively when we were not together. Your point about the communication is apt - my experience is that he was always absent in communications when we were apart, because he was sitting in his special chair, drinking himself into oblivion. It hurt, & I was far away & worried & hurt. Constantly.

He had periods of sobriety, but never embraced a recovery lifestyle. He drank himself into many medical crisis which were terrifying - & hurt.

Ending the relationship was difficult. I loved him, & the loss of him hurt.
But here's the thing. He was already lost to me. He was lost to himself. And the only realistic future was his loss - through some version of an alcoholic death.

He didn't contain the capacity for partnership. He just couldn't give me what I wanted - which was someone who might be there for me.

Just because we love someone doesn't mean they are destined to be our partner. And that's ok...
thanks for this. i am living this right now. i know i dont have to stay and i'm on the fence. an easier life vs. a life of seeing how the recovery goes.
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Old 01-16-2017, 05:45 PM
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Nonetheless, his drinking behavior hurts me and I just can't figure out whether I should leave.


doesnt it seem.....ummm....insane that you are questioning whether you want to suffer more?
if ya want more pain, dont leave. hes only gonna drag ya down with him and you will experience gloom,dispair, and agony beyond your wildest dreams.
im in recovery. its what i did to people that stayed around me when i was in active alcoholism.

ya might want to look at how you define love.
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Old 01-16-2017, 06:15 PM
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Hi, joy, and welcome. I feel that your SO has to find his own way, and you yours. So many people, women mostly but men too, post to this forum feeling sad and trapped. They have been with their alcoholic partners for a long time. Often they are married and there are children. Or not married,but also with children.
It is very, very hard for them to leave. Their lives are woven into the fabric of their loved one's alcohol dependency.
You are, fortunately I think, not in that unenviable position. You can walk away from your SO.
You should. Life with an alcohol-dependent person is a hard, hard road. They are wonderful people, often, when they are sober. But the drink takes them and only hurt and sadness can come out of it.
Good luck going forward.
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