Ustacallmelola

o I posted earlier that today is 21 days sober and I feel good. I actually feel alive for the first time in a long time.

Tonight I had to go see a friend who was giving me some side work. She is the one with stage 4 cancer. I went alone without my husband. I did not realize how much I depend on him to keep me in line. I know my beast wanted me to stop at the store and grab some wine both going there and coming home because my AV would NOT shut the hell up, but it really felt like I was the one who wanted to drink. Leaving my friend's I literally had to have a talk with myself and get myself in check.

I am home now, in for the night, and I did not drink. I did not however love that feeling. It scares me still.

columbus

Whenever I get that feeling I Stop, Drop, and Pray.

It works for me.

bloss

Glad you made it home without buying any alcohol, each time you deny that voice/urge it will lose power. If going out alone is a time the urge happens, plan ahead what you will do so you will not be caught off guard.
Keep going, and take care

least

Congrats on three weeks sober! Stay sober and the urges to drink will get fewer and fewer.

STDragon

Glad to hear your doing alright. 21 days is awesome. I feel lucky that my AV hasn't screamed at me. But, as I've posted here before, that is one thing I'm really afraid of because when it hits me, I will not have had any 'practice'.

You lived it, got thru it, and now your stronger for it.

Ghostlight1

I hear you.
I've been sober six years and that voice and feeling still scares me, although I rarely have them now.
I just play the tape through and know exactly where I will end up if I succumb.
Congratulations on twenty one days. I take it one day at a time and you did the correct thing, and believe me, I know how hard it is in those first days.
Let that voice scream. Let it scare you. Let it even feel like love. But know, you never have to drink again.
You deserve a pat on the back. You did great.

site1Q84

Scary how strong it can be! And even more scary to realize how long I went without even knowing it was the one making all those decisions!

columbus

I think this is a useful and powerful tool/thought/weapon:

"Once I started referring to alcohol in my mind as Black Death, the voice quieted down a bit. "Oh yes, I would love a glass of Black Death please."

--Ustacallmelola

Dee74

I think it's good you know that that voice is still with you - but you can dismiss it

D

Algorithm

I saw your post from earlier today, about how your AV was eerily quiet since you started to think of alcohol as poison, and I wanted to respond then, but I'm in a bit of pain today, and it was difficult to concentrate.

You don't need to be afraid of the AV, but it may help you to be aware of what is going on. Here is the relevant portion of your post from earlier today:

This is a Beast set-up, as I hope you can now see. One of the most vexing forms of Addictive Voice is that it is somehow good that the AV has been silent for a while. It cunningly boasts of its own silence, as in "I haven't even thought about drinking in weeks, now."

The Beast is basically saying "Yes, Lola, I have been quiet for a while now, and you better hope that I keep on being quiet, because if I were not quiet, then you might be in big trouble, so count your blessings, and be very happy that I'm quiet, because I'm going to get you!"

Then, when the AV inevitably comes back, it will say "Well, Lola, you haven't really been tested like this before, etc, etc." It's faking you out, essentially puffing itself up, and keeping you running scared. It has no real power, though, since it cannot engage the muscles. Welcome the AV as sign of good health, and don't debate with it, or in general, talk back to it.

You also ought to bear in mind that the I/It split of AVRT is not between rational and irrational, it is between higher/moral reasoning and lower, base drives, namely the rogue survival drive we call the Beast. The AV is a rational, intelligent expression of the Beast's desires, and therefore, it cannot be reasoned away.

The Beast is not deterred by made-up scarecrows. Viewing alcohol as poison will not change the Beast's agenda in any way, because IT knows beyond doubt that alcohol is not poison, but in fact, life-giving mana. To the Beast, alcohol is better than oxygen, and it would want to keep breathing that 'oxygen' even if the air were dirty, just as you would breathe if you were underwater for more than about 3 minutes.

I know it's emotionally easier to keep posting in the newcomer's forum, where people don't necessarily know AVRT, but I would strongly encourage you to hop on over to the secular connections forum and read through the AVRT discussion threads, and to post any questions that you may have. Most of this is basic AVRT, and it has been discussed previously, so you could save yourself a lot of time by reading the book you purchased, and the threads.

The goal in AVRT-based recovery is to live comfortably with residual addictive desire, and not to run away from or otherwise hide from or try to ward off the AV. The "R" in AVRT stands for recognition, not removal, not refutation, and not 'running away from'. The AV is sign of good health, a sign that everything is working properly, and you can actually welcome it as such, if you know what you are doing.

Remember, also, that your AV will only truly stand out for recognition against the backdrop of a Big Plan, which you stated you hadn't gotten around to. I hope this helps, and I look forward to your input in secular connections, if you want to refine your understanding further.

Delilah1

Congrats on three weeks, and good choices today!

Ustacallmelola

That saved me last night.