Sober But Bad People Around
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Sober But Bad People Around
What do you or did you guys do with the people around you who sapped you and made it difficult not to drink, but getting rid of them would leave you alone while you're also trying to get sober. They seem like more toxin but doing this alone seems worse. How did you decide?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I reconnecte3d with a lot of old friends I'd drifted away from when my drinking got heavy...I also did a lot of volunteering and things in my community to make new friends.
I had to leave my drinking buddies behind because the only things we really had in common were harmful to me.
D
I had to leave my drinking buddies behind because the only things we really had in common were harmful to me.
D
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by jaye1313 
...doing this alone seems worse. How did you decide?
Since this battle is for your sobriety, I'd decide which one was most inconvenient to my addiction and go with that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Worse in what way? If you hang around people who make you drink, you can blame them. How convenient. If you drink while alone, you can only blame yourself. Not so convenient.
If people aren't supportive of you trying to get better, it makes it more difficult not to drink. Not their fault if you drink or not but making not drinking easier on you is probably smart when you *just* stop. So the original question was is it better to eliminate these people and go it alone or to try and glean what support you can from them?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I am ruthless. I don't have anyone in my life who isn't supportive of my sobriety, and trying to live their own best life as well (regardless of whether they drink, or not). The only alcoholics I spend time with are ones in recovery; I am a dedicated AAer and have met some amazing people there. I only do things with people I enjoy, who are positive, and who "get" my (very necessary) choice to be sober.
I also don't reconnect with folks who were enablers, alcoholics themselves, or otherwise "bad for me (or themselves)" - even those to whom I owe an amends, in certain cases. It would be detrimental to me- and my sobriety, particularly my emotional sobriety here on near 11 mos, moreso than my physical sobriety, is my number one priority. Even my beloved comes after that.
Are you in a program? We definitely don't have to do this sober thing alone- in fact, most of us find that's a bad (read: unsuccessful) way to go.
Good luck.
I also don't reconnect with folks who were enablers, alcoholics themselves, or otherwise "bad for me (or themselves)" - even those to whom I owe an amends, in certain cases. It would be detrimental to me- and my sobriety, particularly my emotional sobriety here on near 11 mos, moreso than my physical sobriety, is my number one priority. Even my beloved comes after that.
Are you in a program? We definitely don't have to do this sober thing alone- in fact, most of us find that's a bad (read: unsuccessful) way to go.
Good luck.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by jaye1313
is it better to eliminate these people and go it alone or to try and glean what support you can from them?
Clearer?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Are you talking about family members, wife,
husband, relatives, friends?
I couldn't get rid of my family after they
pulled an intervention on me who sent
me into rehab, getting me help for my
alcohol addiction.
After my 28 day instay rehab, I returned
back to my family incorporating tools and
knowledge of my own addiction and its
affects on me and others around me.
I incorporated willingness, openmindedness,
honesty, acceptance all to the best of my
sober ability in my life and family in order
to remain sober each day forward.
This is my addiction and my recovery
and is up to me to do what was and is
taught to me to live a healthier, happier
way of life with family members.
Yes there were problems with communication
and understanding between them and me about
my recovery. However, I had to accept the fact
they didn't need to change their life and I couldn't
change them.
I went on to live a sober life with family
around me, no alcohol in my home and
did all I could and would to protect my
sobriety no matter what was flying around
me.
Take care of you and practice acceptance
with willingness, openmindedness, and
honesty as you move forward in your on
recovery journey building a strong solid
foundation to live upon for yrs ahead of
you.
Just a few thoughts to pass on if it helps.
husband, relatives, friends?
I couldn't get rid of my family after they
pulled an intervention on me who sent
me into rehab, getting me help for my
alcohol addiction.
After my 28 day instay rehab, I returned
back to my family incorporating tools and
knowledge of my own addiction and its
affects on me and others around me.
I incorporated willingness, openmindedness,
honesty, acceptance all to the best of my
sober ability in my life and family in order
to remain sober each day forward.
This is my addiction and my recovery
and is up to me to do what was and is
taught to me to live a healthier, happier
way of life with family members.
Yes there were problems with communication
and understanding between them and me about
my recovery. However, I had to accept the fact
they didn't need to change their life and I couldn't
change them.
I went on to live a sober life with family
around me, no alcohol in my home and
did all I could and would to protect my
sobriety no matter what was flying around
me.
Take care of you and practice acceptance
with willingness, openmindedness, and
honesty as you move forward in your on
recovery journey building a strong solid
foundation to live upon for yrs ahead of
you.
Just a few thoughts to pass on if it helps.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Today I am 79 days sober.
I have been with my wife for over 22 years and we drank everyday together.
She still drinks everyday and it is tough on our marriage, my emotions and my sobriety. Also, most of my friends still drink heavily.
Unless I want to leave my wife and family and start a new life somewhere I need to learn how to cope.
I go to AA, study mindfulness and deal with life one day at a time. My sobriety is very important to me and nothing and nobody is going to make me pick up a drink.
I have been with my wife for over 22 years and we drank everyday together.
She still drinks everyday and it is tough on our marriage, my emotions and my sobriety. Also, most of my friends still drink heavily.
Unless I want to leave my wife and family and start a new life somewhere I need to learn how to cope.
I go to AA, study mindfulness and deal with life one day at a time. My sobriety is very important to me and nothing and nobody is going to make me pick up a drink.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Jaye,
Everyone is different.
All my friends and family that drink tend to make me feel like an outsider.
I am more a loner, so i do my own thing. I almost always did my hardest boozing alone.
I enjoy people at times though. I haven't found anyone, either drinker or sober, that i care to spend much time w. I even get annoyed w my wife after to much time.
Sobriety, for me as well, is a foundation belief. I never will destroy myself w booze again.
Thankfully, only a few people have made me drinking w them an issue...including my Dad. I forgive him, he means no harm. His perceptions are not my reality.
Thanks.
Everyone is different.
All my friends and family that drink tend to make me feel like an outsider.
I am more a loner, so i do my own thing. I almost always did my hardest boozing alone.
I enjoy people at times though. I haven't found anyone, either drinker or sober, that i care to spend much time w. I even get annoyed w my wife after to much time.
Sobriety, for me as well, is a foundation belief. I never will destroy myself w booze again.
Thankfully, only a few people have made me drinking w them an issue...including my Dad. I forgive him, he means no harm. His perceptions are not my reality.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Jaye
Welcome. I think I know what you're saying...bad friends are better than no friends? If you look at the words you've chosen in your post however I would say you know the answer. Its just frightening to face being alone, which I get. However if staying sober, recovering even, is the goal, contact with drinking friends (and more to the point, people you 'associate' drinking with) is a bad idea. If they are willing to meet for coffee, go for a walk, see a movie....support you with no booze, that's different. But I'm guessing that isn't the nature of the relationship or you probably wouldn't be asking.
Have you considered a support group for alcoholism? You can try to make new friends that have the same principles and values you do?
Its hard. But for me it survival.
Welcome. I think I know what you're saying...bad friends are better than no friends? If you look at the words you've chosen in your post however I would say you know the answer. Its just frightening to face being alone, which I get. However if staying sober, recovering even, is the goal, contact with drinking friends (and more to the point, people you 'associate' drinking with) is a bad idea. If they are willing to meet for coffee, go for a walk, see a movie....support you with no booze, that's different. But I'm guessing that isn't the nature of the relationship or you probably wouldn't be asking.
Have you considered a support group for alcoholism? You can try to make new friends that have the same principles and values you do?
Its hard. But for me it survival.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I was not part of a drinking group. That is, I drank at home. I can say that at some point in my journey, I made my sobriety my first priority. That meant, in AA parlance, that I wanted to avoid the people, places, and things that woke up my addictive voice and triggered my desire to drink.
I think, jaye, that you will find that you will have to move on from the friends and acquaintances who don't support your sobriety. Lots of people don't drink. You just have to find them.
One of the good things about recovery is the ability to form healthy friendships with like-minded people. Hope this helps. Good luck, and keep coming back to this site. There is a lot of ESH here. Peace.
I think, jaye, that you will find that you will have to move on from the friends and acquaintances who don't support your sobriety. Lots of people don't drink. You just have to find them.
One of the good things about recovery is the ability to form healthy friendships with like-minded people. Hope this helps. Good luck, and keep coming back to this site. There is a lot of ESH here. Peace.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I understand what you're saying, Jaye. I was really afraid to quit because I thought I'd have no friends, since pretty much all of my friends drink. At the beginning, I didn't hang around much with any of them, because I was pretty busy just staying sober. I quickly realized that there were a few of them who would support me no matter what, and a bigger number who had no interest in me any more. What a great litmus test. I didn't purposely broom anyone out of my life, it just sort of happened. I'm much happier now with the select few people who support me than I was having lots of so-called friends who really only wanted a drinking buddy.
Also - and this is big - I made new sober friends. It took a while, and I would like to make a few more as time goes on, but no hurry. I'm not afraid to be alone like I used to be, as I gain self-knowledge and acceptance in sobriety.
Have you considered AA or some other sobriety support group? It can really help to talk to other people who are embracing sobriety and share common experiences with you. SR is wonderful, but face-to-face is better, IMO, if you can find a way.
Also - and this is big - I made new sober friends. It took a while, and I would like to make a few more as time goes on, but no hurry. I'm not afraid to be alone like I used to be, as I gain self-knowledge and acceptance in sobriety.
Have you considered AA or some other sobriety support group? It can really help to talk to other people who are embracing sobriety and share common experiences with you. SR is wonderful, but face-to-face is better, IMO, if you can find a way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Toronto
Posts: 268
Jaye,
I'm new here and most of my friends are drinkers as well. At this point, I'm unsure of where these friendships will go or if they will last. For now, I've started to make an effort to see if they'd be interested in doing sober activities like going out for lunches or movies, etc. I've decided if they aren't interested, then perhaps I'll have to end the friendship. Not out of maliciousness. I wish them only the best. But after years of sabotaging my life, I'm at a point where I have to put myself first. And yes being alone is scary....it frightens me a lot, but when I think about it, sitting at a bar getting wasted....we weren't really great company for each other to begin with.
I'm new here and most of my friends are drinkers as well. At this point, I'm unsure of where these friendships will go or if they will last. For now, I've started to make an effort to see if they'd be interested in doing sober activities like going out for lunches or movies, etc. I've decided if they aren't interested, then perhaps I'll have to end the friendship. Not out of maliciousness. I wish them only the best. But after years of sabotaging my life, I'm at a point where I have to put myself first. And yes being alone is scary....it frightens me a lot, but when I think about it, sitting at a bar getting wasted....we weren't really great company for each other to begin with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
HI Jaye, that's an age old question and the answer is likely not what you want to hear. That being said, those people who suck the life out of your and challenge your sobriety have to go. Sorry bud, it doesn't work that way. I isolated myself for almost 3 years when I was in my 20's to get away from bad people. It saved my life. Your sobriety is your journey, and you'll have to go it alone for awhile. You will find new friends, sober friends, different activities etc...May seem impossible right now, but its not. Hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Originally Posted by jaye1313
What do you or did you guys do with the people around you who sapped you and made it difficult not to drink, but getting rid of them would leave you alone while you're also trying to get sober. They seem like more toxin but doing this alone seems worse. How did you decide?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
If your gut is telling you they are bad people, being around them is only going to suck the life out of you and make you more susceptible to relapse. People tell you all the time in recovery that nothing is really a trigger, there's just the addictive voice looking for any reason to give in and drink. Eventually we have to stop looking at everything in terms of what we think will or won't lead us to drink, and ask ourselves what is right or what is wrong? Objectively, if they are bad people, are they good to keep around? No, they aren't. So don't keep them around. You have to move on and bring good people in to your life. First, start working on yourself, and as you become a better person, you will attract better people in to your life. I'm sorry, I don't mean to suggest you aren't a good person. But our friends are usually people who are similar to us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
Originally Posted by August252015
I am ruthless. I don't have anyone in my life who isn't supportive of my sobriety, and trying to live their own best life as well (regardless of whether they drink, or not). The only alcoholics I spend time with are ones in recovery; I am a dedicated AAer and have met some amazing people there. I only do things with people I enjoy, who are positive, and who "get" my (very necessary) choice to be sober.
I also don't reconnect with folks who were enablers, alcoholics themselves, or otherwise "bad for me (or themselves)" - even those to whom I owe an amends, in certain cases. It would be detrimental to me- and my sobriety, particularly my emotional sobriety here on near 11 mos, moreso than my physical sobriety, is my number one priority. Even my beloved comes after that.
Are you in a program? We definitely don't have to do this sober thing alone- in fact, most of us find that's a bad (read: unsuccessful) way to go.
Good luck.
I also don't reconnect with folks who were enablers, alcoholics themselves, or otherwise "bad for me (or themselves)" - even those to whom I owe an amends, in certain cases. It would be detrimental to me- and my sobriety, particularly my emotional sobriety here on near 11 mos, moreso than my physical sobriety, is my number one priority. Even my beloved comes after that.
Are you in a program? We definitely don't have to do this sober thing alone- in fact, most of us find that's a bad (read: unsuccessful) way to go.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by aasharon90
Are you talking about family members, wife,
husband, relatives, friends?)
husband, relatives, friends?)
Still, I'm finding this lonely and difficult. I do think that sobriety is my job and change to make rather than theirs. It seems unrealistic to edit the my world down to only sober people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
[QUOTE=Doug39;6286055]
She still drinks everyday and it is tough on our marriage, my emotions and my sobriety. Also, most of my friends still drink heavily.
Unless I want to leave my wife and family and start a new life somewhere I need to learn how to cope.
[QUOTE]
Congratulations on 79 days!
This is what I was thinking. It just seems very hard to do in these early days. I would rather no join a group. I am naturally introverted so talking about something that fills me with so much shame and risking others finding out is scary for me. In fact, I just now started feeeling remotely well enough to leave my house.
She still drinks everyday and it is tough on our marriage, my emotions and my sobriety. Also, most of my friends still drink heavily.
Unless I want to leave my wife and family and start a new life somewhere I need to learn how to cope.
[QUOTE]
Congratulations on 79 days!
This is what I was thinking. It just seems very hard to do in these early days. I would rather no join a group. I am naturally introverted so talking about something that fills me with so much shame and risking others finding out is scary for me. In fact, I just now started feeeling remotely well enough to leave my house.
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