Am I in the right place?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2
Am I in the right place?
Hi there...
I find myself here, because I'm worried about myself.
Some 2-3 years ago, I was raped, and have since had to work through that - and how best to repair myself. To that extent, I believe I have recovered and healed a lot.
However, I've begun to notice a pattern, where I self-sabotage myself in cases, where I'm given good opportunities... such as, an amazing party, or a weekend away; some thing I've worked hard at... but almost always a social environment.
I seem to get out of hand when I drink. While I can not drink from day to day, and don't need to drink to have fun; sometimes I feel pressured in certain situations, to drink... to feel accecpted and liked and wanted.
I realise my drinking habit, which ends up bad, is down to feeling vulnerable and insecure...
and I'm here because; I'm worried I'll make more mistakes, and mess up my life if I don't somehow build my confidence and emotional stability, whereby I don't feel insecure.
To my it feels as if it stems from my rape... and feeling lonely and unwanted.
Just.... looking for support, unjudgemented and helpful... where I hope to be able to be open and address myself, without worrying what others think.
I find myself here, because I'm worried about myself.
Some 2-3 years ago, I was raped, and have since had to work through that - and how best to repair myself. To that extent, I believe I have recovered and healed a lot.
However, I've begun to notice a pattern, where I self-sabotage myself in cases, where I'm given good opportunities... such as, an amazing party, or a weekend away; some thing I've worked hard at... but almost always a social environment.
I seem to get out of hand when I drink. While I can not drink from day to day, and don't need to drink to have fun; sometimes I feel pressured in certain situations, to drink... to feel accecpted and liked and wanted.
I realise my drinking habit, which ends up bad, is down to feeling vulnerable and insecure...
and I'm here because; I'm worried I'll make more mistakes, and mess up my life if I don't somehow build my confidence and emotional stability, whereby I don't feel insecure.
To my it feels as if it stems from my rape... and feeling lonely and unwanted.
Just.... looking for support, unjudgemented and helpful... where I hope to be able to be open and address myself, without worrying what others think.
You'll find lots of support here. 
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Welcome Cinderella. I wish I knew what to tell you. I would suggest that you just kind of peruse the different threads here and read a bit on what interests you. Don't be afraid to ask questions, either. That's what were all here for.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 701
You're in a very good, safe, place here.
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"sometimes I feel pressured in certain situations, to drink... to feel accecpted and liked and wanted."
Perhaps you should think about avoiding those situations, find "new and improved" situations where these feelings don't come into play?
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"sometimes I feel pressured in certain situations, to drink... to feel accecpted and liked and wanted."
Perhaps you should think about avoiding those situations, find "new and improved" situations where these feelings don't come into play?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
Welcome! There is definitely no judgement here. Maybe this will be the first step to building up your confidence! Read through the threads - there are some great ideas and tools on here for all kinds of situations 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Welcome, and I am so very sorry for what happened to you. I think that recovering from rape is a process and it sounds like you have worked through that. I know it is life-changing and I admire you for looking after yourself and finding your way.
I do think that self-sabotage could be going on in your life and perhaps you feel that you no longer deserve a good life. You do deserve the very best. We all do. It concerns me that you say you drink to feel accepted and liked, even though you don't particularly want to. You say you want to work on building your confidence and emotional stability and a good way to do that is to be true to yourself. For me, learning to say 'No' and feeling okay about it, saved my life.
You have come to a great place for support, and you can post here and anywhere on the boards. You might like to check out our Women's Forum, too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/
I do think that self-sabotage could be going on in your life and perhaps you feel that you no longer deserve a good life. You do deserve the very best. We all do. It concerns me that you say you drink to feel accepted and liked, even though you don't particularly want to. You say you want to work on building your confidence and emotional stability and a good way to do that is to be true to yourself. For me, learning to say 'No' and feeling okay about it, saved my life.
You have come to a great place for support, and you can post here and anywhere on the boards. You might like to check out our Women's Forum, too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I can't put myself in your place...that of having been raped. I am sure it was traumatic and still plays a role in your life. I do know however that long before I even considered alcohol as a primary issue, I always had a reason that I was drinking the way I was that was other than the drinking causing me to drink like that. I always thought as soon as I resolved this or resolved that or moved here or finished this that my drinking would change.
It is sometimes hard to separate the drinking from a situation. I have called myself alcoholic and fit the bill, but I don't really like the term for it is so very broad. The one simple fact for me is that alcohol reacts with me physically in such a way that it is near impossible for me to not binge if I drink at all. I have found life much better with abstinence. One thing for sure. Not drinking never hurt anyone.
I wish you well in dealing with everything. Though I can't really offer any advice, I would think honest self-awareness a very good start for anyone.
It is sometimes hard to separate the drinking from a situation. I have called myself alcoholic and fit the bill, but I don't really like the term for it is so very broad. The one simple fact for me is that alcohol reacts with me physically in such a way that it is near impossible for me to not binge if I drink at all. I have found life much better with abstinence. One thing for sure. Not drinking never hurt anyone.
I wish you well in dealing with everything. Though I can't really offer any advice, I would think honest self-awareness a very good start for anyone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Cinderella, it's so good to have you here. I'm sorry for the pain you've endured. We assume drinking will help numb us, but it only causes more anxiety. Nothing is resolved. I hope talking things over here will help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Welcome, Cinderella.
You have recovered and healed a lot from a most terrible thing, through work you have done yourself. Now you have found your way here, out of concern about yourself, which you have self-identified. You sound very strong. You'll find a lot of great, non-judgmental support here. It's a very kind place.
Peace to you.
You have recovered and healed a lot from a most terrible thing, through work you have done yourself. Now you have found your way here, out of concern about yourself, which you have self-identified. You sound very strong. You'll find a lot of great, non-judgmental support here. It's a very kind place.
Peace to you.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Alcoholism and trauma are two different issues, though of course the trauma can make the alcoholism worse.
It might be possible that you are using alcohol to medicate the trauma in which case if you get proper treatment for the trauma, the drink problem should disappear.
If alcoholism exists (is there any family history?) then treating the alcoholism may have to come before getting effective therapy for the trauma. This is a good place for ideas on how to deal with alcoholism.
It might be possible that you are using alcohol to medicate the trauma in which case if you get proper treatment for the trauma, the drink problem should disappear.
If alcoholism exists (is there any family history?) then treating the alcoholism may have to come before getting effective therapy for the trauma. This is a good place for ideas on how to deal with alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Cinderella- that's crap. My deepest prayers to you. Alcohol numbs- but it does not get rid of pain. I find with my stuff, which is NOTHING like your stuff- but is an observation, therapy- counselling helps me. Someone who can listen, not judge and offer f-f support.
The is a women's only thread at SR which may be useful to you (I am a male- so not for me- seen it). Perhaps on the ground support groups for people who have similar stuff? Alcohol is separate- but not in some ways. I would think dealing with both is the way to go.
Thoughts, prayers and support to you. PJ
The is a women's only thread at SR which may be useful to you (I am a male- so not for me- seen it). Perhaps on the ground support groups for people who have similar stuff? Alcohol is separate- but not in some ways. I would think dealing with both is the way to go.
Thoughts, prayers and support to you. PJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2
Hi there...
Thank you all so much for your welcoming replies. When I read them back in January, they really helped and I went on to do some deeper work on myself. But I've had a massive 'step back' in my progress, I feel, and now feeling utterly lost, I realised maybe I needed to find support here, as I originally thought in January.
I went to a party this weekend, with my sister - it was always going to be a touch difficult, big party - 250 people - a lot of friends, and also two people I really needed to avoid. Not impossible - and I did all night - but it caused a lot of internal havoc in me, and it resulted in me accepting too many drinks.
I ended up drinking too much - blacking out (literally don't remember 45 minutes of the night, at least - and still don't) - and having to be manhandled by my sister and two of our friends home. I'm a rather stubborn, bossy type of girl - and refused - and then needed to be sick (charming). One of the friends I know well, whom was helping my sister get me home to our hotel, took me over to the grass to discreetly be sick - lovely and then we ended up losing my sister and her boyfriend.
So he ended up just carrying me to the hotel - got the wrong hotel - then finally got to my hotel - no idea where my sister and her bf were... and who knows what really happened after this, but the result was; my sister went home with her bf - and I ended up sleeping with my friend. I was very drunk, and woke up not knowing what had happened.
Having experienced rape - which I discussed earlier - I realise and understand the difference, if only, how it feels to me. In the morning it was fine - we both realised it was a mistake, and drink got the better of me, certainly. Nothing wrong between the two of us, but as the days have gone on... despite my consenting the morning of, again (sorry for the detail)... I now feel... angry, and I think I'm angry with myself, for allowing myself to be weak, and to have had too much to drink... to put myself in such a vulnerable situation that I scared myself. I'm lucky, that all that happened was I slept with a friend of mine. I say that, and it comes across lightly... but for me, being very Catholic, I find it very difficult to stomach, and it's causing me a lot of internal struggle.
I really want to just... cry and break down. But I don't want to tell anyone about it either. I'm angry and ashamed of myself and I feel, having made mistakes in the past that, I should have gotten to grips earlier in my 'life' soo that this, for example, didn't happen.
To make matters worse I'm terrified that people will find out, and eventually, my family - as I will be virtually kicked out - and more than anything, I fear being excluded from the love of my family, because that is what keeps me going.
I've made a decision to not drink at parties, where, when I am vulnerable, I don't seem to have the ability to stop. I'm perfectly controlled in a relaxed enviourment... dinner, drinks with friends, a relaxed party or something.
But right now I am just.... broken.
Thank you all so much for your welcoming replies. When I read them back in January, they really helped and I went on to do some deeper work on myself. But I've had a massive 'step back' in my progress, I feel, and now feeling utterly lost, I realised maybe I needed to find support here, as I originally thought in January.
I went to a party this weekend, with my sister - it was always going to be a touch difficult, big party - 250 people - a lot of friends, and also two people I really needed to avoid. Not impossible - and I did all night - but it caused a lot of internal havoc in me, and it resulted in me accepting too many drinks.
I ended up drinking too much - blacking out (literally don't remember 45 minutes of the night, at least - and still don't) - and having to be manhandled by my sister and two of our friends home. I'm a rather stubborn, bossy type of girl - and refused - and then needed to be sick (charming). One of the friends I know well, whom was helping my sister get me home to our hotel, took me over to the grass to discreetly be sick - lovely and then we ended up losing my sister and her boyfriend.
So he ended up just carrying me to the hotel - got the wrong hotel - then finally got to my hotel - no idea where my sister and her bf were... and who knows what really happened after this, but the result was; my sister went home with her bf - and I ended up sleeping with my friend. I was very drunk, and woke up not knowing what had happened.
Having experienced rape - which I discussed earlier - I realise and understand the difference, if only, how it feels to me. In the morning it was fine - we both realised it was a mistake, and drink got the better of me, certainly. Nothing wrong between the two of us, but as the days have gone on... despite my consenting the morning of, again (sorry for the detail)... I now feel... angry, and I think I'm angry with myself, for allowing myself to be weak, and to have had too much to drink... to put myself in such a vulnerable situation that I scared myself. I'm lucky, that all that happened was I slept with a friend of mine. I say that, and it comes across lightly... but for me, being very Catholic, I find it very difficult to stomach, and it's causing me a lot of internal struggle.
I really want to just... cry and break down. But I don't want to tell anyone about it either. I'm angry and ashamed of myself and I feel, having made mistakes in the past that, I should have gotten to grips earlier in my 'life' soo that this, for example, didn't happen.
To make matters worse I'm terrified that people will find out, and eventually, my family - as I will be virtually kicked out - and more than anything, I fear being excluded from the love of my family, because that is what keeps me going.
I've made a decision to not drink at parties, where, when I am vulnerable, I don't seem to have the ability to stop. I'm perfectly controlled in a relaxed enviourment... dinner, drinks with friends, a relaxed party or something.
But right now I am just.... broken.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome back. Sorry for your current situation and the guilt and regret you feel.
Selective control never worked for me.
Since your problem stemmed from drinking, perhaps you will consider giving up all drinking.
Originally Posted by cinderellawts 
I've made a decision to not drink at parties, where, when I am vulnerable, I don't seem to have the ability to stop. I'm perfectly controlled in a relaxed enviourment... dinner, drinks with friends, a relaxed party or something.
Since your problem stemmed from drinking, perhaps you will consider giving up all drinking.
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