Newbie - it's a long one

Old 01-10-2017, 12:40 PM
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Newbie - it's a long one

Evening all,

I don't even know where to start. Have been with my husband for 10years, 3 daughters and just found out I'm expecting number 4.

Before we met, he was a cocaine and weed user. He went to rehab and in my naivety I thought he would be cured. Over the years I found he smoked weed, I didn't like it, he wouldn't do it around me. But he smoked it full time. 7years ago his behaviour wasn't making sense, went through his phone and realised he was using cocaine. Said he stopped, I've lost times how many times he's done it in the last 7years, can go months without using it then I catch him.

He lies to me, makes out I'm crazy and seeing things, but I bought some swab tests and if I'm suspicious I wipe surfaces in the bathroom. It's always the same, he's sorry won't do it again. Etc etc.

The last time I caught him was March, but I didn't get angry tried to understand and support him. Thought it was a turning point.

Forward wind, to Saturday. Now he's a big drinker, drinks every evening more on a weekend. I go to bed around 10, but Saturday I woke up with the little one at 2am. Unlocked phone to see time and he'd sent a text before i was asleep like normal but it said he was online. I went downstairs and he's wide awake. He'd drank a bottle of red, half bottle of wine. Several JD and rum. I just knew. So swabbed in the morning and both bathrooms are positive for Coke.

Approach him, normally hell admit after a day or so. But he's still denying it.

Thinking back, I've been slack and not reading the signs. But he's had a 'sniffly nose' for months.

He is a big betting man, he earns well and I have no idea how much he spends on betting. He has an addictive personality. He doesn't go out, just does it at home. He gave up weed 4years ago and cigarettes a year ago.

Everything has been so perfect, we'd been trying for a baby and a week ago got a positive test. But I feel empty and numb. I'm so scared, it really is the final straw.

He won't admit, says the tests are wrong (I dabbed one tile as opposed to wipe and got a perfect straight 1cm blue line). I stand by them.

He was meant to go to meetings in March but it never happened.

I just don't know what to do, I can't carry on like this but the future scares me, especially being a single Mum to 4 children.

Rehab is an option, if he decides to go down that route. His only other option is to move back to his parents. Life just can't carry on.

I've really waffled, I'm so sorry. I have no friends or family who know. No one to talk to.
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Old 01-10-2017, 05:02 PM
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sammy03...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm glad to took the step to reach out for support. Other members will be by in due course to greet you and offer you support. Until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts.

What is supposed to be a time of joy (expecting your fourth child -- congratulations!) has turned into a time of stress and worry. And it's both normal and appropriate to be stressed and worried about how your AH's behaved given his track record. So what I encourage you to do is set aside how you want things to go in a perfect world and consider what you and your family need going forward. Notice how I've drawn a distinction between what you want and what you need, as the two are not necessarily the same thing.

And in order to do this, you need to be honest with yourself and know what you're dealing with. It's not going to be easy. Then again, life's seldom easy.

Read as many posts as you can. Pay attention to what our members share with you. It won't make your decisions any easier, but it will give you a solid foundation on which to make them.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 01-10-2017, 05:12 PM
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Of course the drug tests are wrong! Oh If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say that. "Those tests are worthless...all false positives, etc etc.
The fact is you busted him, he knows it, and he's pissed. You caught him lying, which makes him feel like crap because no one wants to be told they're a liar. But the post above me by zoso is right. Make your plan. Give him the ultimatum and stick to it. If he decides not to seek help, then leave. You have too much on your plate to be hobbled by a coke addict/alcoholic. Keep right here on SR. I wish you well.
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Old 01-10-2017, 05:45 PM
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X's test were all false positives, too. It was the darndest thing- he'd act as if he was on drugs and the tests would say he was on drugs. Go figure.

I think you have to weigh what's scarier- being a single mom of 4, or losing your kids altogether? Because that can happen. It almost happened to me. I remember being so shocked when I put in an anonymous call to CPS and asked what I should do about my ex refusing to go to rehab. They told me if I were to give them my information, they'd come and take my kids. They said no matter how against it I may be, how many ultimatums I'd given him, I was allowing an addict access to my kids, thereby proving myself unfit.

AND EVEN THAT WASN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE ME LEAVE!

Oh, boy, you don't want to know what it took to finally get me out of there. And by that point it was too late. I share joint custody with him now. Whoopee.

Where I went wrong? I trusted him way too much. I trusted that he would finally get sober. I never bothered to get proof of him using. I took him to court and he denied everything and painted me as an unstable villain. Even brought up my high school suicide attempt from 18 years ago, as well as drug use from before my kids were born. I didn't deny a thing. Guess I should have. Seemed to work for him.

Anyway, go ahead and hold out hope. Maybe he'll turn his life around. But do not let that stop you from gathering evidence! Gather evidence! If he's willing to submit to drug tests, he should be willing to do them at an actual facility, where they'll be valid in court. Witness collected. Otherwise he's not really serious about his recovery and you shouldn't give him another chance. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

You would not believe what my kids tell me about their visits. They are in danger. But will it ever qualify as "immediate danger"- enough for the courts to finally get involved and freaking listen to me? Who knows.

Don't be like me.
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Old 01-10-2017, 10:53 PM
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Also for your kind words, wish I had spoken sooner. Feels like a weight off my shoulders just writing it down.
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Old 01-10-2017, 10:59 PM
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Sam- thanks for sharing. addiction sucks. You cannot heal those who need to put effort into themselves. Keep posting, reading, sharing.
Thoughts and prayers to you and yours..
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