Colleen

I'm new to this site but not new to having an alcoholic in my family. My brother is 39. He is an alcoholic. He lives with my mother. He is in and out of jail with DWI's. Next one sends him to prison. He just got his drivers license back after a 2 year suspension. He is working construction. He stayed sober for 2 years because he didn't have a job or any money. He has been working for about 3 months now. He started drinking in his room at night again. He called my husband at 12:30 last night to come pull his car out of a ditch. He was extremely drunk. He lashed out at me when we got there and told me not to say a work to him about his drinking. I refuse to argue with a drunk person so I stayed quiet. Then he actually started crying and told me he can't do it anymore. He has tried 3 different rehabs and nothing seems to work. He has no life and he wished he were dead. I told him if I knew a way to help him overcome his addiction I would find it somehow. I'm looking for help. I don't know where to turn. He goes to AA meetings sporatically. He does not like to go because he said they only have much older people there and no one his age or younger so he doesn't relate to them. How can I help him before he kills someone? If he gets on the road drunk again I'm afraid he'll kill himself and some innocent person that does not deserve to die.

smoke gets in my eyes

Colleen,
Welcome. Please encourage your brother to go back to those AA meetings. Counter his reasoning with... "those old guys can help you get to be their age." He needs a sponser and a network.
Is there any way to get him to access this site? There are plenty of addicts here that are his age and younger. You could also tell him to go to the online forums at www.essence-of-recovery.com
He needs the support of other recovering addicts. Though we try, there is no way that you or I can understand exactly what they are going through. I'm new to this recovery game... though not at all new to the addict game. The things I have been able to determine that you can actually DO, are these..

Help him find a place to get help.
Let him know that you love him and care about his recovery.
Set rules and follow them yourself.
Let go.

He has to do it. And you can't show him how. Perhaps you can help him find WHERE.

Please stay with us, and also visit the nar-anon forum. It will lend you strength.

Smoke

Colleen

Thank you so much for your reply. Kevin does not have access to a computer. He could go the library and use the free internet there but he has never turned on a computer in his life. My mother is the retired librarian and she would take him and show him but he won't do it. My mother is calling the man over the AA meetings here and asking who Kevin's sponser is if he even has one. She was going to ask him for help. It takes so long to get into a state funded hospital and he has already gone through the program 3 times at 2 different facilities. He just doesn't follow up with the meetings on a regular basis. He only goes when he knows we find out that he has been drinking again. It's like he only goes to show us he's trying so we won't get mad at him or try to talk to him about getting help. He'll do anything to avoid a conversation about his addiction.

smoke gets in my eyes

Boy, do I know that story. They try to "appear" better so you'll shut up and let them misbehave.
So he's too hip for the old farts, but he can't turn on a computer? Perhaps you could point out the irony of that. My addict enjoys irony, and it has at least once inspired him to action.
You say he'll do anything to avoid talking about his addiction? Okay... try not talking. Print off some of the wonderful material that is available on the web. Look over the NA and AA pages on this site. Choose an exchange or several that sound just like him (they're there, trust me)... print them off. Leave them in his hands without discussion except... "I thought you might like to know what's out there. " He may throw them away. Mine would. Later he would dig them out of the trash... he's very curious. You never know what might touch him. Sound worth a shot?

Smoke

Colleen

Sounds good to me. I didn't even think of that. Thanks for suggesting it. I called mom this afternoon and she said that Kevin is going to re-enroll in AA again.

smoke gets in my eyes

Tell Kevin we're rooting for all of you.

Smoke

ekie

dear colleen my girlfriend is 40 years old.in the past 8 years she has been in rehabs seven times.i took her in every time as i could not bear to see her suffering.i eventually started to focus on myself going to meetings and detaching with love.For the first time in those years she decided to do something about it without my intervention.she was clean for a year and seven months relapsed for a week and started recovery on her own without my manipulation.a change in my attitude by focusing on myself detaching with love ,letting go so far as worked for me and her.she now appreciates the tough love i gave her ekie

JD

hello colleen, and I am afraid that tough love is the only way to go IMHO I know this as I am a 40 year old alcoholic with 4 and a half years sober the ONLY person who can help your brother is himself, however on a side note I do know that in a lot of small towns it is mostly older people try suggesting NA they are almost as easy access as AA and Alcohol is a drug, I pray for your brother and all like em every nite it took me 5 years to get sober and that was AFTER I finally admitted i had a problem GOOD LUCK JD

frannie

Dear Ekie, You mentioned doing something that I would give anything to be able to do...to detach with love. I have a 24 year old daughter who lives at home, still. Been to rehab once, is dabbling with drinking and taking prescription drugs again. I go through emotional hell every evening she goes out and that is 4 out of 5 nights. Everyone has told me that I am codependent,,,I admit it, I know I am a control freak, but I want to detach before my health suffers even more (I have had 2 open heart surgeries and I have an articial heart valve.) Tough love , particularly kicking her out on her own is something that her father and I both agree we cannot do...she has no place to go...literally. So don't tell me to put her out with tough love...just tell me some other ways to detach with love. Your situation turned out perfectly. I think I might be able to use some tough love suggestions except for the BIG one.

Jon

Spooky.

historyteach

Jon;
"Spooky."
Remind you of anyone in particular? LOL!
Ekie;
Detach with love. My son is an addict and is 24 too. It is hard. Perhaps you can start by setting one boundary and sticking to it - no matter what! No matter how much he quacks with his excuses, needs, explainations....whatever. There is a never ending supply of them. So, stick to YOUR boundary.
One thing I am working on now is this: I will do things for him if I want to. Period. If I feel resentful or stressed, it is not good for me. I won't do it. Yes, he has had to walk 5 miles in the middle of the night from the bus station to the house. His choice for not being where he was supposed to be on time for his ride. His choice; his consequence.
It is not perfect. This is a learning experience. But, learn we can!
We need to take care of us. They are adults. Allow them the dignity of finding their own way.
Shalom!