madzmartigan

Hello, all... with the help of AA and a supportive (or so I thought!!!!!) husband, I got sober for a few months. Relapsed for a week in October (at a work conference where the drinking culture was very, very strong). Got sober again. I got my liver checked out (decent tests, U/S showed nothing) in July.

Over the past month, I got hit with some things in my life that I just could not handle. Did I go to therapy or AA? Noooo I went to the liquor store. I HATE MYSELF. The hold this has on me is so strong and my AV is just so strong. My husband says he MIGHT want a divorce and then left for a three week long work trip. I am on an "improvement plan" at work that is just a prelude to getting fired. Over the holidays I ate a lot of cookies (instead of alcohol -- those sugar cravings omg) and food and gained some weight. Of course now I think it's ascites because my alcoholic anxiety brain CANNOT SHUT UP. This morning I spent 20 minutes doing the test where you put something heavy on the middle of your stomach and then you try to feel the wave. Of course I'm not an f'ing doctor so I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Why I am I so messed up? From Wed-Sun I killed one of those big cheap rum bottles and I feel awful. I went up two sizes over the holidays in my pants and now I'm afraid it's ascites but the doctor palpated my liver yesterday when I went to see him and he didn't say anything. I have a new doctor. He didn't look at my bare stomach but he did palpate my liver and ordered some blood tests which I took and am waiting on the results. Now I can't stop crying and I'm back to the horrible days. I want out I want out I want out I want out.

I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel better, I'm done with it now I swear I swear. I am living in a new place where there aren't any AA groups I feel comfortable in (I would have to get up at 3am to drive to the only women's group I liked) and I'm so alone. I've been at work for an hour and crying the whole time. If the doctor suspected the weight gain was anything else than holiday bloat he would have said so right??

I'm going to get out this time. This is my last relapse.

Ariesagain

You know the alcohol is still wildly distorting your thoughts and emotions, right?

Try to accept that you're in withdrawal from your relapse and your thoughts are not to be trusted right now. You did the right thing in seeing your doctor and odds are you would be having other symptoms if you had that much ascites so let that go...you have handled that and it's out of your hands right now.

Crying at work is not goung to help any part of your situation, right? Does your company have an Employee Assistance Plan with a number you can call? If so, that could help save your job.

You've done it before, you can do it again.

Maudcat

Okay. Breathe. You're good. Doctor would have said if anything was amiss. I have gained 10 lbs over the holidays. Way too many carbs and desserts. So you are definitely not alone there.
If you can, try to set aside the facts that husband is mad, work is bad, and there is no AA. (AA has online meetings, btw).
Go deep. You have demonstrated that you are capable of maintaining sobriety. That is huge! Don't think about the future. It will just worry you and you will want to drink. Just do it a minute, an hour, a day at a time. Don't drink. It doesn't help and it just makes things worse.
We have all been where you are. You can do this today.

D122y

Madz,

For me, it has taken over a year for the strong craves to subside.

I am 20 months sober and i still crave daily. I usually work out, watch a movie, or nap through the crave.

It is hard because drinking is easy to do for most of us. My family, bless them, tried to basically drink over the holidays w out me seeing. It was a nice effort, but it embarrassed me. Lots of whispers.

Better than them pushing booze on me.

I always tell myself...of course you crave....you are a drug addict for life. It keeps me focused.

When i wake up in morning sometimes...i feel rough. The natural melatonin gives me a sort of dull aches for a bit.

I tell myself....it would be worse if i was hung over.

Being clean and sober has boosted my confidence in life so much. I know that my thoughts are purely my own...not booze damaged.

Thanks.

MLD51

Please don't hate yourself. I understand that feeling, felt that way a lot myself. But it really does you no good. Please check into online meetings. See if there is an EAP at your workplace. Give yourself a couple of days to detox from this latest binge. Make sure you eat properly and hydrate. Get some extra sleep if you can. Try really hard not to obsess about things that are out of your control. say that serenity prayer over an over again. Really think about it - What things are out of your control right now? Probably just about everything except whether you drink or not over the next few days. Do what you can at work to hang onto your job, take good care of yourself, and try to figure out how to get some support from AA, even if it's just online meetings. You know how to do this. Take a few deep breaths, and do what you already know how to do in sobriety.

Anna

My mind would run away like that too. The anxiety from drinking was just about impossible to manage. I hope you feel better soon. Try to focus on your work and not drinking today and keep reading and posting.

site1Q84

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time! Getting sober is definitely not easy.

I'm glad you went to see a doctor - that should help quiet your worries about the state of your health.

Have you ever tried online AA meetings? Maybe that's something you could look into. Also, posting here is great for support. Do you have a phone list from your old women's group? Maybe you could call and check in with a few of them?

I hope you stick around whether your husband leaves or not. I know loved ones are important but you need to do this for you and no one else!

If you've been sober for a few months before that's a great start! Remember how hard it was then - all of these terrible feelings are natural and WILL go away, it just takes some time.

madzmartigan

Thank you all for the encouraging words. I got to go to a meeting this morning that was all about some ridiculous tiny minutiae but it helped me concentrate and calmed me down somewhat. I think definitely I forgot that alcohol will be screwing with my psyche for weeks, Ariesagain, and just hearing that from you was calming.

My company has a program like that but they require you to identify yourself, and since my job also has a moral clause (don't ask, it's ridiculous) IDing myself as an alcoholic is probably not a good idea. I do have a phone list and I didn't think of calling them.... your AV says you're a "problem" and that you "don't want to bother them" when in reality that's what theyd want you to do, right?

I spent my coffee break googling people who are at my weight to convince myself that it's fat, not ascites, isn't that ridiculous!!!

Delilah1

Hello,

Sounds like going to a meeting was a good start. Does your improvement plan offer any supports to help you improve in specific areas of your job? If so, make sure to utilize them.

I would still call the EAP for your job, it should be confidential. Try giving them a call without your name to just inquire about confidentiality, and counseling services available.

entropy1964

I'm sorry you're hurting. Like Aries said, this is part of withdrawal. Shame, guilt, FEAR. Pretty much everything you posted is out of fear. Acceptance is the antidote. Pray for guidance and good direction.

Fat is just fat. We gain it by eating too much, we lose it by eating less (and healthy). Try to take the shame, denial and fear out of it.

When you went to your dr. did you tell him you're an alcoholic and how much you've been drinking?

Over the past month, I got hit with some things in my life that I just could not handle....Yeah, I've said that in the past too. But for me there is nothing that drinking won't make worse.

At some point I know for a fact that there will be nothing standing between me and a drink. It will happen. Having a solid plan, a higher power and a program is how I plan to deal with it. Life on life's terms.

Hope things work out with the husband.

ScottFromWI

Yes your AV is strong here. Some things to consider

1. You'll most likely lose your job if you keep drinking anyway, and the EAP program is there to help you, not punish you. I'd strongly suggest making the call.

2. Yep, your AV would love you to think that you can handle this on your own. Don't listen to it, call the numbers - you'll be glad you did.

Forward12

It sounds like you're at a really bad place now that could go either way. If you keep drinking, you likely will lose your job, your husband, your health, everything.
Stay strong and get back on your feet with sobriety! Perhaps try another AA meeting, or start seeing an addiction specialist. There are also online meetings on this site tuesday and friday nights.

MLD51

Glad you got to a meeting. Even though the content of the meeting maybe wasn't that useful, it's still good to go and feel the fellowship. At least that's what I've found. I've left meetings thinking I didn't get much out of them, but then I realize that just being there always helps. And who knows - maybe something I said helped someone else.

I would call the assistance program from your cell phone and just ask some questions. You have nothing to lose, as long as you don't identify yourself. Maybe you will find out it's confidential, after all.

Michael66

Relapse. Do I know that well. Four year's sober followed by nearly one year relapse. But we can get back on the wagon. I'm just 11 days in again, and today id the first day that I have felt brighter and better.

Maudcat

You might also consider joining the January class here at SR, madz. Monthly classes provide online support for the newly sober and those struggling to stop.

site1Q84

So glad you got to a meeting! It's amazing how crazy our AV can make us those first few weeks trying to quit! I felt crazier quitting than I did when I was drinking haha I know that's not true and it's all for the best, but it's hard to remember at the beginning!

If your company has a program I think you should look into it. They wouldn't offer it if they were going to fire you for joining it. I say take all the help you can get! In the mean time keep posting here and maybe keep hitting AA meetings if you can? Or call the people on your phone list! It can seem daunting but the second you tell them who you are and hear how happy they are to hear from you that will all change. Remember, you calling them is not only helping your recovery but allowing them to help their own!
I really think if the DR palpated and decided it wasn't ascites you're in the clear. None of us are doctor's, but I would imagine there's a big difference in feeling fat vs fluid. If you're still not sure maybe go for a second opinion?

You should definitely come join us in the January class thread! Lots of great people and support in there.

least

I suggest you read and post more often. Use the support here to help you get sober for good.

Dee74

Some great advice here Madz.

I would still check out the EAP programme - under Federal law, it should be confidential - and regardless of any morals clause your contract may have alcoholism is not a moral issue.

I'd be more worried about drunken behaviour in that respect - and staying sober ensures that you won't get in trouble that way

D

Algorithm

While your AV is certainly ruthless and persistent, your AV ultimately has power only if you believe its incredible BS. Its greatest weapons are actually cunning and concealment, since it needs your power to purchase and swallow that alcohol.

You have a general idea of what your Addictive Voice is up to, but possibly don't know all of its subtle tricks. There is a simple technique, known as AVRT, which can help you to refine your understanding in that regard.

What you said above, often referred to as 'swearing off', is similar to the Big Plan of AVRT, which is more straightforward. It goes like this:
Your AV will probably go on the attack if you actually say that, or it may try to reorganize itself in order to keep the addiction alive. It may throw everything but the kitchen sink at you, but remember, you have the power. It cannot actually purchase and swallow alcohol.

I trust you know what your options are, and what you stand to lose if you keep on drinking, but based on what you have written, you may want to look into AVRT. It is not strictly necessary, but it may help you to understand what you are up against.

There is more information in the secular connections forum.

madzmartigan

Thank you all for all of the wonderful advice. I am now a few days sober and going through a bunch of weird stuff. I am weak as a kitten and dizzy. My doctor says my liver numbers are ok but my kidney numbers are not. All I want to do is sleep. It's so strange that I feel this bad four days after a binge.... just one binge!!! It's quite the reminder that I might have done awful damage to myself and shortened my life. I am trying my best not to freak out.

Today I am grateful for the fact that it is snowing and that I can stay home in my alcohol free house!

Now I just need to remind myself over and over again that it's not ascites, I'm just fat... it's not ascites, I'm just fat...