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Just a Really Bad Day

Old 01-09-2017, 11:52 AM
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Just a Really Bad Day

About 4 years ago, something in me broke. I had family issues coming at me from multiple sources and I believe I had a sort of nervous breakdown from the stress. I was depressed and suicidal. I was drinking heavily as well. I was 44 years old and I started cutting myself with a razor blade on my thighs. It gave me relief and a distraction. I am fairly certain the cutting saved my life. My husband wanted me hospitalized but I refused. I told him the police would have to come and get me before I would go. At that point, I would have rather been dead than hospitalized. I did seek counseling and stopped cutting.

These family issues never went away. Through other circumstances, we ended up packing up and moving to the next state. I was happy for a while but still drinking. The difference was I had made new drinking friends and we had a lot of fun. I was not drinking to numb the pain so much. I had a new job and a new life away from my aggressors. Things were stable.

Fast forward a couple years. I was let go of the job I liked as I was "not a fit" after a year and half of working there. I took a new job that was so stressful I had to quit after 8 months. I just cannot handle that kind of stress anymore I have discovered.

I cracked wide open again a few weeks ago and tried to hurt myself. My niece that I had stayed close to in spite of the drama decided she did not want a relationship with me anymore and cut me out of her life. She even had her sister do the same. I was destroyed. That pain was so deep and so awful. I tried to catch myself some hypothermia by walking outside after my husband went to bed in shorts and a tank top in 10 degree temps. I wanted to die. My friend who I had spoken to earlier had gotten my husband up and they discussed again hospitalizing me after locking me in the house. Again, I refused. That night, my husband would not physically let go of me in bed. He looked so tired the next day. I felt awful.

I quit drinking the next day and it has been 3 weeks now. I am feeling better. I am unemployed though and having a hard time finding something suitable. I cannot handle the stress level I used to be able to handle. I am feeling pretty down today. I cried. A close friend called me who has stage 4 lung cancer and had no idea I had an alcohol addiction. I finally told her. I cried again. She suggested meds as everyone seems to. I just cannot. I have taken them before and they make me feel terrible. I have dry eyes and those meds make it so bad I can hardly function. I always felt worse and had responsibilities to take care of. I did not have time to be sick from medication I did not want to take anyway.

Alcohol is black death to me. It WILL kill me eventually if I go back. My physical and mental health has suffered. Now I have to deal with the aftermath and all of the stuff I have not wanted to deal with up until now. I do not want to start all over with therapy and re tell my family dysfunction. I am honestly sick of talking about it. I have been using exercise as my therapy lately. I need to go today as I feel so awful.

So anyway, just venting a little after a couple of good cries today.
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Old 01-09-2017, 12:14 PM
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I've always been a big believer in venting! I used to write letters out to people to vent. I would never send them, but it felt like a ten pound weight was lifted off of my chest afterwards. So good for you for coming here and getting it out!

And hang in there. It may be rough now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Have you ever checked out the daily gratitude threads on here? Those help me a lot on the bad days.
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Old 01-09-2017, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by site1Q84 View Post
I've always been a big believer in venting! I used to write letters out to people to vent. I would never send them, but it felt like a ten pound weight was lifted off of my chest afterwards. So good for you for coming here and getting it out!

And hang in there. It may be rough now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Have you ever checked out the daily gratitude threads on here? Those help me a lot on the bad days.
Talking to my friend who is my age (48) with terminal cancer will do the trick every time.
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Old 01-24-2017, 09:19 PM
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Hi Ustacallmelola , don't worry everything would turn out well in the end. I will remember you in my prayers.
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