AB43

I am writing to this support group, in hopes that the vast amount of experience and knowledge, could give us any guidance or suggestions. Our family feels like it is on the brink of disaster, because none of us know what the next step should be.
My brother in law is a severe alcoholic. He has a beautiful 15 year old autistic daughter and a wife that has had the patience of Job. Despite 2 DWIs and a 2 year probation of blowing into a breathalyzer every 3 hours, he has not lost his job. He has been in multiple detox hospitals, active in 12 step/AA programs, gone through multiple sponsors, gone to an inpatient treatment center and is more out of control than ever. Upon returning from a Christian inpatient treatment center for 47 days, he got money from his daughters Christmas wallet and was drunk 22 hours after arriving home. We picked him up and put a mattress at his elderly fathers apt. Even there, he has found ways to get drunk. We will not let him have his keys, so he says he will most likely lose his job this week. We don't know what else to do. We are scared he will kill someone if we let him drive.
We are all devastated, exhausted and conflicted over what we think we need to do.
I would like to tell him that this morning will be his last drink, if he would like to stay living under his fathers roof. We help pay for his dads apt and food. And if he stays sober, I don't mind.
But if we let him stay there and keep drinking, aren't we making it POSSIBLE? My husband and sister in law, think we need to give him a few days deadline. And both fear, his dad will allow him to stay there, even if we say he can't unless sober.
I know they are thinking I don't love him as much as they do, because I think the streets is his ONLY chance at deciding to get sober. But we are at wits end. Help!!!! ANY & ALL suggestions / guidance greatly appreciated! We don't know what else we can try or do?

least

Welcome to the family. You are absolutely right in not letting him drive. The possibilities are horrible.

I'd set guidelines under which he can stay there. And if he breaks the rules, he's out. You can't enable him by excusing dangerous behavior.

I wish I had more to give you, but some big hugs might help.

uncorked

You probably know this deep inside, but the only way he will get sober is if he wants to. The more people push him to be sober, the more he will resist. But you can offer him a choice. 1. To live with you and be sober. You will give him a breathalyzer twice a day (or whatever.) 2. To not be sober and find his own place to live. I would definitely keep the car keys unless he's sober. (Even then, I guess he could go out and drink...) Also, AA doesn't resonate with everyone. It didn't with me, and I found a rehab that didn't follow AA at all and I've been sober for over a year. Have all his treatment centers been based on AA? There are other recovery programs out there. Feel free to PM me if you have questions. This has to be so difficult for you and your family.

Unwound

I know some people will disagree with this but I genuinely think the only way he will change is when he decides he's going to and wants to. Being on the streets will probably make things worse: it's more stressful and you are exposed to more threats and even worse things to get into. However I appreciate it's not possible to tolerate some behaviour indefinitely.

I wish I had something more helpful because it sounds like a terrible situation but you can only hope at some point soon he realises what it's costing him and how bad things are and decides to stop. I hope it improves.

columbus

AB43--

Heartbreaking story for which I have no advice. However there is a "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" forum here at SR where you should find others in your position.

It's posted near the bottom of the front page.

ABetterWay1

Here is the direct link!

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ABW1

Algorithm

This is not entirely unusual. The nature of the treatment involved sometimes makes things much worse in some cases.

I'm surprised they haven't required an interlock device as a condition of DWI probation, but you can always have him voluntarily install an interlock device and pay all the fees for it if he wants to use the car.

It would be much cheaper than even a first DWI, to say nothing of a third one.

I can't tell you what to do, but you cannot induce a bottom, contrary to what the "anti-enabling" crowd may suggest. The idea is usually to make them suffer, so they "hit bottom", have a "moment of clarity", and "get help", but very often, the suffering becomes a new reason to keep drinking, and they self-destruct instead.

That script only works on TV.

A deadline could certainly work, in that he could be encouraged to make the choice to quit drinking, but at this point, after rehab and 12-Step meetings, he probably was led to believe that he is incapable of resisting the desire to drink, and therefore to quit drinking.

Of course, he is capable, but he may not know how to do it. You may want to look into Rational Recovery, to give him another option. They specialize in helping the "untreatables" who have "washed out" in rehab and AA, and offer inexpensive learning materials that teach the skill of abstinence.