how do I move on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Johnstown
Posts: 2
how do I move on
I sure could use some advice.
At 21 I married the love of my life. We had two beautiful children and a nice home. He loved to drink and it often became a problem in the home. He was unable to drink a drink he would often have a 6 or 12 pack in a sitting. About 8 years into our marriage he started behaving strangely, he was be gone all night or he would be up all night doing strange things. He also became very paranoid. Money began disappearing and he lost the desire to work. Then he ended up in jail for drunk driving. He was also arrested for possession of drugs. I asked him to leave the home to protect our children. He finally admitted he was using and could not stay in the state and get sober. He left and moved to Tennessee where he got in trouble several more times. After his last incarceration he decided it was time to clean up his act. 6 months later (without and treatment) he was acting more like the man I fell in love with. He came back home and we as a family started to get to know each other again. Several years later we remarried. About 2 years ago I started to notice signs that were similar to what I experience 10 years before. He was receiving calls from unknown people, he would disappear (supposedly for work), he would have massive mood swings, would be up all night, and started to believe his supervisors were spying on him. In my heart I knew there was a problem but I did not want to believe it. I did not want to believe he would destroy what we worked so hard to build. He could not explain what was happening with money and although he made a great salary there was never enough money to pay the bills. I was trying to pay everything with my teaching salary and he would contribute a little but was generally mad about it. Then in November of 2014 things started to spiral out of control. I believe he was coming down and was angry refused to go to work and would say horrible things to me. He embarrassed his son by wandering around in his boxers in the middle of the day making no sense when our son was home for lunch with a friend. He later claimed he was just really sick. He quit working in February of 2016. He was supposed to start a new job right away but something happened. A few weeks later I received a call from the place he was supposed to start at saying he knew where my husband could work. I said I thought he was coming to work for you and he told me that didn't work out and I cannot tell you why. The next job ended abruptly after only a few days and the job after that he couldn't start because the UA had to go for additional testing. He assured me that must have been an error. After 6 weeks of no work he decided he was going to start his own business. We had no money and he had no plan. He was angry much of the time. As you can imagine the business was not successful. Then in early June right after he left for the day I found a black box he had left behind. I opened the box to find a bag of meth. I then looked at his phone and found texts indicating he was getting more drugs later. I confronted him and he denied using. He told me the texts were a joke (even though the text say I want a 25 bag and I am at your door) and at first he told me the drugs were from 10 years ago. A month later he finally admitted someone gave him the drugs but he had no intention of taking them. He spent the summer and much of the fall in the home. During that time he stole a great deal of money from our 17 year old son. In September I found a burner phone in the truck with a text to the person I believe to be his dealer's girlfriend asking for a shirt, which I have been told is an amount of a drug. Again I confronted and again he denied. In October he became rough with both of his children and I could no longer allow him to stay in the home. He has been in and out of hotels, slept in his truck, and in an apartment for a short time. It has been very cold and I worry constantly about him but I don't believe I can help him. He has destroyed my life twice and I am no longer the person I once was. I am sad all the time and I feel guilty all the time. he sends me texts that either tell me how much he loves me or what a horrible person I am and how much he hates me. He has told our children I lie and and has made me feel awful. He causes me to question my judgement and doubt myself. I am so lost and so broken I honestly do not know how to move forward and I am terrified I have made a terrible mistake and I have put my children's father on the streets for no reason.
At 21 I married the love of my life. We had two beautiful children and a nice home. He loved to drink and it often became a problem in the home. He was unable to drink a drink he would often have a 6 or 12 pack in a sitting. About 8 years into our marriage he started behaving strangely, he was be gone all night or he would be up all night doing strange things. He also became very paranoid. Money began disappearing and he lost the desire to work. Then he ended up in jail for drunk driving. He was also arrested for possession of drugs. I asked him to leave the home to protect our children. He finally admitted he was using and could not stay in the state and get sober. He left and moved to Tennessee where he got in trouble several more times. After his last incarceration he decided it was time to clean up his act. 6 months later (without and treatment) he was acting more like the man I fell in love with. He came back home and we as a family started to get to know each other again. Several years later we remarried. About 2 years ago I started to notice signs that were similar to what I experience 10 years before. He was receiving calls from unknown people, he would disappear (supposedly for work), he would have massive mood swings, would be up all night, and started to believe his supervisors were spying on him. In my heart I knew there was a problem but I did not want to believe it. I did not want to believe he would destroy what we worked so hard to build. He could not explain what was happening with money and although he made a great salary there was never enough money to pay the bills. I was trying to pay everything with my teaching salary and he would contribute a little but was generally mad about it. Then in November of 2014 things started to spiral out of control. I believe he was coming down and was angry refused to go to work and would say horrible things to me. He embarrassed his son by wandering around in his boxers in the middle of the day making no sense when our son was home for lunch with a friend. He later claimed he was just really sick. He quit working in February of 2016. He was supposed to start a new job right away but something happened. A few weeks later I received a call from the place he was supposed to start at saying he knew where my husband could work. I said I thought he was coming to work for you and he told me that didn't work out and I cannot tell you why. The next job ended abruptly after only a few days and the job after that he couldn't start because the UA had to go for additional testing. He assured me that must have been an error. After 6 weeks of no work he decided he was going to start his own business. We had no money and he had no plan. He was angry much of the time. As you can imagine the business was not successful. Then in early June right after he left for the day I found a black box he had left behind. I opened the box to find a bag of meth. I then looked at his phone and found texts indicating he was getting more drugs later. I confronted him and he denied using. He told me the texts were a joke (even though the text say I want a 25 bag and I am at your door) and at first he told me the drugs were from 10 years ago. A month later he finally admitted someone gave him the drugs but he had no intention of taking them. He spent the summer and much of the fall in the home. During that time he stole a great deal of money from our 17 year old son. In September I found a burner phone in the truck with a text to the person I believe to be his dealer's girlfriend asking for a shirt, which I have been told is an amount of a drug. Again I confronted and again he denied. In October he became rough with both of his children and I could no longer allow him to stay in the home. He has been in and out of hotels, slept in his truck, and in an apartment for a short time. It has been very cold and I worry constantly about him but I don't believe I can help him. He has destroyed my life twice and I am no longer the person I once was. I am sad all the time and I feel guilty all the time. he sends me texts that either tell me how much he loves me or what a horrible person I am and how much he hates me. He has told our children I lie and and has made me feel awful. He causes me to question my judgement and doubt myself. I am so lost and so broken I honestly do not know how to move forward and I am terrified I have made a terrible mistake and I have put my children's father on the streets for no reason.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Broken, I am sorry for your pain.
I know it is painful to face but you have done the right thing getting yourself and your children away from this man. Abuse is common and addiction is a progressive disease that just gets worse and worse over time.
If he is living on the street, he is closer to real help than when he lived at home. Shelters will offer counseling and get them into a rehab...IF they are willing.
It's sad that his life has fallen to these depths, but he does have choices and I pray he finds a better path soon. The hardest part of all this, as you already found out, is that they can relapse quicky or years after finding recovery and begin the cycle all over again.
You may want to look into some counseling for yourself and your children. Meetings (Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA, Family Support Groups) have helped many of us regain our balance, and they may help you to put your life back together again.
You are among friends here who understand, We are all walking with you through these rough times.
Hugs
I know it is painful to face but you have done the right thing getting yourself and your children away from this man. Abuse is common and addiction is a progressive disease that just gets worse and worse over time.
If he is living on the street, he is closer to real help than when he lived at home. Shelters will offer counseling and get them into a rehab...IF they are willing.
It's sad that his life has fallen to these depths, but he does have choices and I pray he finds a better path soon. The hardest part of all this, as you already found out, is that they can relapse quicky or years after finding recovery and begin the cycle all over again.
You may want to look into some counseling for yourself and your children. Meetings (Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA, Family Support Groups) have helped many of us regain our balance, and they may help you to put your life back together again.
You are among friends here who understand, We are all walking with you through these rough times.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you did the right thing to remove meth addiction from your home and to protect yourself and your children. you are right, you cannot help him. you have to choose your safety and sanity.
that he stole from him children AND was abusive towards them, shows how far he's crossed the line of addiction. nothing and no one are safe. change the locks, make sure the house is buttoned up tight at all times. he will be back. he will steal. he will become violent.
i am so very sorry. this is a tortured place for a loved one.
that he stole from him children AND was abusive towards them, shows how far he's crossed the line of addiction. nothing and no one are safe. change the locks, make sure the house is buttoned up tight at all times. he will be back. he will steal. he will become violent.
i am so very sorry. this is a tortured place for a loved one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
Im so sorry this is happening to you. I don't have any input. Other than to say I know exactly how it feels. Almost everything that's been happening to you has happened to me.
It's hard not to still love the person they were before the addiction. We've been evicted from our home before because my ex would spend his entire check on alcohol and drugs...that's how I found out about his addiction. All the promises to stop never happened he just got better at hiding it. I'm currently pregnant with his child so I don't know what it's like to have a child in that enviorment but I know it's something I do not want.
One thing that has helped me was writing an impact letter. I'm not going to send it to him but it opened my eyes. Writing down all the hurt and heartbreak made me question was the love from him ever genuine, or was it just for convenience because I was always there to bail him out. He has stolen from me and completely destroyed my character.
I felt like a broken person, still do sometimes, but it's not you its him. He's trying to project his feeling onto you. He's a broken person that you can't fix no matter how much you want to. The best thing to do is get away.
It's hard not to still love the person they were before the addiction. We've been evicted from our home before because my ex would spend his entire check on alcohol and drugs...that's how I found out about his addiction. All the promises to stop never happened he just got better at hiding it. I'm currently pregnant with his child so I don't know what it's like to have a child in that enviorment but I know it's something I do not want.
One thing that has helped me was writing an impact letter. I'm not going to send it to him but it opened my eyes. Writing down all the hurt and heartbreak made me question was the love from him ever genuine, or was it just for convenience because I was always there to bail him out. He has stolen from me and completely destroyed my character.
I felt like a broken person, still do sometimes, but it's not you its him. He's trying to project his feeling onto you. He's a broken person that you can't fix no matter how much you want to. The best thing to do is get away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Johnstown
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for the responses. I have been looking for a group to join but I have not been able to find one the fits my work schedule. It is harder this time because I feel like a fool.
Mundane days- my daughter was three and my son was 6 the first time he was using heavily. His mood swings were horrible and not safe. You may love him but the baby must be the first priority I could not trust what he may do when coming down. It is terrifying keep yourselves safe.
I actually did write and send a letter. He picked out the pieces he thought he could deny and ignored all the feelings. I did find it therapeutic to write it. It is nice to be able to talk to others who understand. Most of this I am too humiliated to share!
Mundane days- my daughter was three and my son was 6 the first time he was using heavily. His mood swings were horrible and not safe. You may love him but the baby must be the first priority I could not trust what he may do when coming down. It is terrifying keep yourselves safe.
I actually did write and send a letter. He picked out the pieces he thought he could deny and ignored all the feelings. I did find it therapeutic to write it. It is nice to be able to talk to others who understand. Most of this I am too humiliated to share!
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