Deereynolds

Hello!

I recently relapsed two days ago on IV meth. I previously had two years sober in AA, but I almost feel like I relapsed because of AA. I feel like I relapsed because AA told me I was going to, and because of my mental health issues.

I was doing everything. I was praying, meditating, working with sponsees every day, had a good connection with god, calling my sponsor, going to 5 meetings a week, surrendering, the whole 9 yards. My depression was getting out of hand though - I started not caring about anything, sobriety included.

I really want to make sure this isn't my addiction talking. I was wondering if any of you have quit going to 12 step meetings and stayed sober for a significant period of time and have been happy. Or if anyone has "grown out" of AA or NA.

AA tells me that when I pick up I won't be able to stop. But this relapse, I only got high for 12 hours and then I stopped because I didn't like the feeling anymore. I'm going to a psychiatrist tomorrow and a therapist next week and trying to treat my mental health issues for the first time (ever.)

I'm still willing to go to AA if it's necessary, because I don't want to use again - I just don't agree with some of the ideas that AA has put into my head.

Any experiences or comments are welcomed!


(mods - I double posted this because I posted the other one in the wrong forum.)

Step12

I'm sober 11 years. Last six with no AA but I'm back. You learn a lot. At least go through the steps.

FreedomCA

I used to go to AA but no longer attend meetings in my new sobriety of 75 days. I still use AA principles that I learned.

Deereynolds

I worked the steps three times before my relapse :/

Mags1

Hi Deer

I've known a lot of people who relapsed just one drink and stopped. It is possible if you want it.

I haven't any experience of AA except one visit years ago, when I didn't even want to stop drinking, so for me at that time, it didn't help. I also prefer SR, I can visit here 24/7 which suits me.

It's what works best for you, whether it is AA or SR or both or some other means, as long as it works for you.

All the best.

Coldfusion

I really think that if you are going to meetings that focus on problems rather than solutions, maybe you should try different meetings.

What does your sponsor say?

miamifella

I quit 12-step recovery and started doing well once I did.

However, I never had two good years in AA. It sounds to me like something was actually working for you there, and you may want to consider that.

You say that you have depression. I suspect that may be part of what drove the relapse. That is not something 12-step recovery is set up to alleviate.

I do not want to be someone who goes around telling other people what to do---but I am going to do it here.

Or at least ask a question; Why not seek treatment for your depression and continue in 12-step recovery? I do not think it is really possible to evaluate whether AA is working or not while under the influence of depressed thinking.

And the evidence of two years suggests that it actually was helping. If you really have outgrown it, you can leave once your depression is under control.

gregknight

I don't feel qualified to dispense much advice but I would say that while I understand not wanting to go to AA. (For a couple of good reasons, I seldom go, as well.), you can't use when you are addicted, whatever your substance of choice is. You may get away with a small relapse once or twice, but the next time could be lost weeks on a "bender" or worse. Personal experience with that.

tomsteve

it reads like youre confusing what members say and what the programs says,mainly saying ya feel like AA told you you were going to relapse. the programs says
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.


AA,as in the program, says it isnt a cure all and outside help, as in psycholical help, maybe necessary and should be considered for underlying issues.

this

"....feel like I relapsed because AA told me I was going to, and because of my mental health issues."

has me thinkin th erelapse(which reads like it was pre meditated) had nothing to do with AA. im sure it wasnt AA or any of the members that put the needle in your arm.

"
"AA tells me that when I pick up I won't be able to stop."

where?

Unwound

I don't know if AAis the solution to your problem but I think it's unlikely to be the cause. From my experience most addictions get worse if you feed them and IV meth is something you probably don't want to have more control of your life. I hope you are posting here because you still want to be sober more than addict, I hope you find your way back.

Ustacallmelola

I cannot do AA. I did NA back in the 90's for a substance abuse problem and it did keep me clean. Even when I went I told myself I did not want to have to depend on meetings for the rest of my life. I just wanted to be a normal person who did not use. I have not abused drugs since(the alcohol came much later).

I am not the same person I used to be though. I am an Atheist now so I have issues right off the bat with their principles. When I was in NA, relapse was the game of the game. I steered clear of anyone without substantial clean time. They teach you are sick and diseased and there is essentially no hope for you. I could never accept that. I am not sick nor diseased. I have an addiction. If I stay sober, my other issues are totally manageable. AA works for some, but the stats are dismal.

The first time I got sober I read Alan Carr, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. I like that it changed my perspective. That never changed. This time I read Rational Recovery and that just tied everything together for me.

I was really sick like you and had to quit a great job or get fired for poor performance. They had no idea I was drunk even at work some days. My health was so bad I could hardly get out of bed let alone work. I have almost 3 weeks clean from that black death and am not going back.

You need to find what works best for you.

doggonecarl

Not AA's fault. This, from your first post:

The relapse was well on it's way. You want to find another recovery program, that's within your rights. But it seems to me, from your initial post, that your problem is with sobriety, not with how you got there. And that's on the addiction, not AA.

Michael66

I think whichever path we follow, if we (addicts) are to stay sober and clean, then we need to find a way of coming to peace with the idea of total abstinence.

Algorithm

You may not agree with some of the ideas, but they have become part of your thinking regardless. The part about "being happy" is the dry drunk curse if you leave meetings, for example, and you also fear that any thinking which contradicts AA is your addiction talking.

You may want to look into Rational Recovery and AVRT, or the secular connections forum here on SR.

Deereynolds

Thank you for your advice!

What I meant by saying aa told me I was going to relapse was the whole saying of "you must do x, y, and z, or you will drink again and die. Well I literally was doing x y and z and the rest of the alphabet. Honestly trying my hardest to be a good members of AA. So why did those things fail me? That is what I can't figure out.

I began to feel more and more like those things weren't helping and that I really was brainwashed like everyone else.

I'm still going to go, I'm going later today, one day at a time. I'm not going to make any major decisions right now.


To me attending AA when it didn't work is the definition of insanity: trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. But I'm not clearheaded enough right now to change anything major.

Algorithm

If something doesn't make sense to you, don't attempt to believe it.

It won't work if it doesn't make sense to you.

tomsteve

"So why did those things fail me? "
go back up and read what doggonecarl posted.
your words:
Problem is I want to relapse.

It's gotten to the point that I'm planning my life out if I were to relapse.

I just feel so blah about sobriety and this is too hard. Sobriety is too hard. I cant do this for the rest of my life.

reads like the blame lies on you and absolutely NOTHING else

miamifella

I had the same experience of trying everything I was told in AA and it did not work. So I know it does happen.

But you got to two years.

So I do not understand why you say it did not work. It was working for you.

But by your own account there were other factors in play.

Stopping AA is not going to alleviate the depression. And you point out that depression was making you not care about anything.

You need to get the caring back. The solution is not cutting things out of your life but re-engaging.

Are you being treated for depression?

Fly N Buy

"AA" tells me - keep,coming back.

I've always appreciated this comment from Bill W published in As Bill Sees it;

Quantity or Quality, p. 11

“About this slip business—I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal from a needless guilt. For some reason or other, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I guess you are treading one of them. God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That, you surely are doing, and have been doing. So I would not stay away from A.A. through any feeling of discouragement or shame. It’s just the place you should be. Why don’t you try just as a member? You don’t have to carry the whole A.A. on your back, you know!

It is not always the quantity of good things that you do, it is also the quality that counts.

Above all, take it one day at a time.”

Letter, 1958


As always, I am a proponent of seek the help you need and change what doesn't work. Casting blame is folly.

Anna

I am not an AA person and I think that your motivation (in whichever program you choose) is the important thing. You need to do what works for you and what feels right to you. I'm glad you're planning to talk to a therapist and I hope you continue to post.