Caring ABOUT Them, Instead of Caring FOR Them.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Caring ABOUT Them, Instead of Caring FOR Them.
Just upon 2 months of no contact, the holidays ending and being a time that your ex weighs heavily on your mind as you spend your first Christmas apart in many years...I heard from her via email. Just a quick hello and to ask about returning something of mine she'd been using and I didn't want to bother asking about.
I decided to take the opportunity to ask that it, and all of the remaining few items she had borrowed be returned, along with keys to the home. She admitted that having them had given her comfort, but agreed that it was "time". A few days later, I heard back with an offer to drop everything off.
She came by as scheduled, offered a hug which I accepted, I invited her in, items in hand, everything left that she'd been holding onto. She looked good, energetic, awake, alive. I will admit it was quite nice to see her. It was nice to have a hug.
She sat for a moment, took in the home we lived in together and remarked on some of the small changes I've made. We made small talk, probably amounting to 5 minutes. In passing, she mentioned that she'd decided finally to give up alcohol on her own, once and for all. Hasn't had a drink "in weeks". "It's about time, right?" she said. I told her I was proud of her and asked if she had any support system to help with it - She said no, she was just doing it on her own. I quickly moved on to another topic.
We made some other small talk about our friends, work, families. She talked about future plans to buy a small home and leave her rental. She is saving all the money she would have spent on booze or at the bars in a savings acocunt to add up to help get a fund started. A good thing and something that comes from some sort of wise recovery plan, so maybe she's at least reading up.
The conversation was great, like two friends catching up. It's strangely wonderful to see her and have interactions be 100% pleasant without stress or drama. It's been that way since she moved out. It's odd to think I have not had to be in the presence of her drinking for over 7 months now, after spending over 10 years with it happening several times a week or more.
It's amazing to talk to someone who is starting to see the fog clear after knowing them for so long while the addiction was being fed. You start to see the person that you always knew they had the potential to be. The person that was there somewhere all along, and that you KNEW was in there, and were waiting to be with all those years.
So now you may be reading this and thinking...DON'T DO IT!!!!
It's funny, what some experience and knowledge and what I have learned here and other places makes things different this time. We've been down this road before. Several years ago we broke up and I remember when we re-connected, I was so excited that we were giving it another chance. Not only didn't I care about the drinking still going on or anything else that had led up to the last breakup, I also was, in some strange way I think, happy that she needed me and that she was struggling on her own. What a terrible thing to think, that I may have felt that way, but it was true.
After seeing her yesterday, and being able to see the clarity in her eyes, in her voice, in her mannerisms, and to hear that she's a few weeks into sobriety and making an honest try, well...It makes me HAPPY for HER! It took me this long, all these years of my life, to realize that I can't take care of someone, or make someone happy. They have to do that for themselves. Yes, I can and want to supplement someone's life, but they need to be happy with themselves and for themselves before they can be whole.
I can't be a caretaker for anyone anymore. She has to do that for herself. But I can (and do) still very much care ABOUT her. I am like a silent cheerleader. I want her to make it this time. I want her to do well. I'm happy that she's trying, despite knowing that it's a very difficult road to walk on your own. Her trying something, trying to stop, and at least for now, stopping...It's just such better news to hear than over our limited contact in the last 7 months when it was always "I'm going to stop when I'm ready."
I can't say I'm healthy enough yet to want to know or hear about her being in another relationship, despite her dropping hints that she's not. I don't ask her, she doesn't ask me. The subject is verboten. Thankfully. I've never done that well with any of my exes (never really wanted to know who came after me, not sure why, weird codie character flaw I guess). But I can at least say I honestly, genuinely, chips on the table, want her to succeed and be healthy and happy. I will admit I would be a little sad if she got her life together with someone else and never could with me, but I also need to realize that if that is the case, whatever cosmic reason there was...that's what was meant for her to live a good happy life.
I guess I remain an enigma here at SR. I know I'm supposed to not want any contact at all or allow her the same for fear of getting back into the fray. I think maybe my ex gets the "rules" and doesn't expect anything. Not once has she ever asked to come back. It's like she doesn't expect there is any right for it to happen. I also know I can't ask her back into my life right now. She's just minutes into a recovery. Hopefully a lasting one.
It's disheartening that she has no support system, no recovery plan, basically just quitting cold turkey (I hesitate to say white knuckling without being present, though she did remark she gets the occasional craving which I can only assume is that alcohol voice inside your head that we hear never quiets down for them). I get sad when I think about how few of people without a recovery plan succeed in just STOPPING on their own. But I want to think positive for her. While we were together, she quit smoking, quit drugs, both just on one random day where she decided "enough is enough" and never looked back. I truly hope this is finally that one random day where she realizes that alcohol, like cigarettes, like pills and drugs, just cannot be a part of her life.
I can see how a lot of people may be tempted to just see that glimmer of the person they love and jump back on-board. We know how that story goes. We've seen it happen to ourselves and our friends here at SR all too often.
She hugged me and was off, told me to "keep in touch" and that was that. Could there be a reason to reach out again on either of our parts in a weak moment? Sure. I have no intention to and also know that the best thing for her right now is to continue down the path she is on, herself. Anything that went wrong in an attempt at reconciliation, especially early, would be MY fault as much as her own. She needs this time, this test, to see if she can do this FOR HERSELF. Not for me, not for anyone else but her.
I'll keep carrying on here on my side of the street, and life is good. Work, family, friends, job, health, all good. I just hope it's not a weak sign that I get a warm happy feeling knowing that things might be calming down and getting better for her on her side of the street, too.
I decided to take the opportunity to ask that it, and all of the remaining few items she had borrowed be returned, along with keys to the home. She admitted that having them had given her comfort, but agreed that it was "time". A few days later, I heard back with an offer to drop everything off.
She came by as scheduled, offered a hug which I accepted, I invited her in, items in hand, everything left that she'd been holding onto. She looked good, energetic, awake, alive. I will admit it was quite nice to see her. It was nice to have a hug.
She sat for a moment, took in the home we lived in together and remarked on some of the small changes I've made. We made small talk, probably amounting to 5 minutes. In passing, she mentioned that she'd decided finally to give up alcohol on her own, once and for all. Hasn't had a drink "in weeks". "It's about time, right?" she said. I told her I was proud of her and asked if she had any support system to help with it - She said no, she was just doing it on her own. I quickly moved on to another topic.
We made some other small talk about our friends, work, families. She talked about future plans to buy a small home and leave her rental. She is saving all the money she would have spent on booze or at the bars in a savings acocunt to add up to help get a fund started. A good thing and something that comes from some sort of wise recovery plan, so maybe she's at least reading up.
The conversation was great, like two friends catching up. It's strangely wonderful to see her and have interactions be 100% pleasant without stress or drama. It's been that way since she moved out. It's odd to think I have not had to be in the presence of her drinking for over 7 months now, after spending over 10 years with it happening several times a week or more.
It's amazing to talk to someone who is starting to see the fog clear after knowing them for so long while the addiction was being fed. You start to see the person that you always knew they had the potential to be. The person that was there somewhere all along, and that you KNEW was in there, and were waiting to be with all those years.
So now you may be reading this and thinking...DON'T DO IT!!!!
It's funny, what some experience and knowledge and what I have learned here and other places makes things different this time. We've been down this road before. Several years ago we broke up and I remember when we re-connected, I was so excited that we were giving it another chance. Not only didn't I care about the drinking still going on or anything else that had led up to the last breakup, I also was, in some strange way I think, happy that she needed me and that she was struggling on her own. What a terrible thing to think, that I may have felt that way, but it was true.
After seeing her yesterday, and being able to see the clarity in her eyes, in her voice, in her mannerisms, and to hear that she's a few weeks into sobriety and making an honest try, well...It makes me HAPPY for HER! It took me this long, all these years of my life, to realize that I can't take care of someone, or make someone happy. They have to do that for themselves. Yes, I can and want to supplement someone's life, but they need to be happy with themselves and for themselves before they can be whole.
I can't be a caretaker for anyone anymore. She has to do that for herself. But I can (and do) still very much care ABOUT her. I am like a silent cheerleader. I want her to make it this time. I want her to do well. I'm happy that she's trying, despite knowing that it's a very difficult road to walk on your own. Her trying something, trying to stop, and at least for now, stopping...It's just such better news to hear than over our limited contact in the last 7 months when it was always "I'm going to stop when I'm ready."
I can't say I'm healthy enough yet to want to know or hear about her being in another relationship, despite her dropping hints that she's not. I don't ask her, she doesn't ask me. The subject is verboten. Thankfully. I've never done that well with any of my exes (never really wanted to know who came after me, not sure why, weird codie character flaw I guess). But I can at least say I honestly, genuinely, chips on the table, want her to succeed and be healthy and happy. I will admit I would be a little sad if she got her life together with someone else and never could with me, but I also need to realize that if that is the case, whatever cosmic reason there was...that's what was meant for her to live a good happy life.
I guess I remain an enigma here at SR. I know I'm supposed to not want any contact at all or allow her the same for fear of getting back into the fray. I think maybe my ex gets the "rules" and doesn't expect anything. Not once has she ever asked to come back. It's like she doesn't expect there is any right for it to happen. I also know I can't ask her back into my life right now. She's just minutes into a recovery. Hopefully a lasting one.
It's disheartening that she has no support system, no recovery plan, basically just quitting cold turkey (I hesitate to say white knuckling without being present, though she did remark she gets the occasional craving which I can only assume is that alcohol voice inside your head that we hear never quiets down for them). I get sad when I think about how few of people without a recovery plan succeed in just STOPPING on their own. But I want to think positive for her. While we were together, she quit smoking, quit drugs, both just on one random day where she decided "enough is enough" and never looked back. I truly hope this is finally that one random day where she realizes that alcohol, like cigarettes, like pills and drugs, just cannot be a part of her life.
I can see how a lot of people may be tempted to just see that glimmer of the person they love and jump back on-board. We know how that story goes. We've seen it happen to ourselves and our friends here at SR all too often.
She hugged me and was off, told me to "keep in touch" and that was that. Could there be a reason to reach out again on either of our parts in a weak moment? Sure. I have no intention to and also know that the best thing for her right now is to continue down the path she is on, herself. Anything that went wrong in an attempt at reconciliation, especially early, would be MY fault as much as her own. She needs this time, this test, to see if she can do this FOR HERSELF. Not for me, not for anyone else but her.
I'll keep carrying on here on my side of the street, and life is good. Work, family, friends, job, health, all good. I just hope it's not a weak sign that I get a warm happy feeling knowing that things might be calming down and getting better for her on her side of the street, too.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by Wells 
I can't take care of someone, or make someone happy. They have to do that for themselves. Yes, I can and want to supplement someone's life, but they need to be happy with themselves and for themselves before they can be whole.
I can't be a caretaker for anyone anymore. She has to do that for herself. But I can (and do) still very much care ABOUT her.
I can't be a caretaker for anyone anymore. She has to do that for herself. But I can (and do) still very much care ABOUT her.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know people who have successfully become sober without a formal "program." Most of those are people who nevertheless are doing some of the internal "work" that is involved in AA and other programs. So I won't presume to guess that she can't do it on her own--it's up to her. Like I said, it does work for some people.
She's still early on, so it remains to be seen whether this represents real work toward change or not. And ya know, if I were to hear my second husband got sober and healthy I'd be ecstatic for him, but I wouldn't want him back in my life. We wouldn't "fit" anymore. And that's OK.
She's still early on, so it remains to be seen whether this represents real work toward change or not. And ya know, if I were to hear my second husband got sober and healthy I'd be ecstatic for him, but I wouldn't want him back in my life. We wouldn't "fit" anymore. And that's OK.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I know people who have successfully become sober without a formal "program." Most of those are people who nevertheless are doing some of the internal "work" that is involved in AA and other programs. So I won't presume to guess that she can't do it on her own--it's up to her. Like I said, it does work for some people.
She's still early on, so it remains to be seen whether this represents real work toward change or not. And ya know, if I were to hear my second husband got sober and healthy I'd be ecstatic for him, but I wouldn't want him back in my life. We wouldn't "fit" anymore. And that's OK.
She's still early on, so it remains to be seen whether this represents real work toward change or not. And ya know, if I were to hear my second husband got sober and healthy I'd be ecstatic for him, but I wouldn't want him back in my life. We wouldn't "fit" anymore. And that's OK.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I made a plan, and did the "internal work" Lexie mentions with a brief course of therapy and continual work
on my part through journaling, meditation, etc. and I am happily sober--I don't miss drinking or alcohol at all these days because
I have worked to build a sober identity which is far different than stopping drinking.
I certainly respect the "one day a time" path, but these days I really no longer think about alcohol as a factor in my life--
I identify as a sober person, and while I know that I can never drink safely again, I don't need to dwell on it,
Instead, I simply keep up the internal work of growth and self-care that keeps me
on track.
Recovery takes many forms, so hopefully your wife will find the lasting path that works for her.
It's wonderful you are doing so well Wells!
on my part through journaling, meditation, etc. and I am happily sober--I don't miss drinking or alcohol at all these days because
I have worked to build a sober identity which is far different than stopping drinking.
I certainly respect the "one day a time" path, but these days I really no longer think about alcohol as a factor in my life--
I identify as a sober person, and while I know that I can never drink safely again, I don't need to dwell on it,
Instead, I simply keep up the internal work of growth and self-care that keeps me
on track.
Recovery takes many forms, so hopefully your wife will find the lasting path that works for her.
It's wonderful you are doing so well Wells!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I made a plan, and did the "internal work" Lexie mentions with a brief course of therapy and continual work
on my part through journaling, meditation, etc. and I am happily sober--I don't miss drinking or alcohol at all these days because
I have worked to build a sober identity which is far different than stopping drinking.
I certainly respect the "one day a time" path, but these days I really no longer think about alcohol as a factor in my life--
I identify as a sober person, and while I know that I can never drink safely again, I don't need to dwell on it,
Instead, I simply keep up the internal work of growth and self-care that keeps me
on track.
Recovery takes many forms, so hopefully your wife will find the lasting path that works for her.
It's wonderful you are doing so well Wells!
on my part through journaling, meditation, etc. and I am happily sober--I don't miss drinking or alcohol at all these days because
I have worked to build a sober identity which is far different than stopping drinking.
I certainly respect the "one day a time" path, but these days I really no longer think about alcohol as a factor in my life--
I identify as a sober person, and while I know that I can never drink safely again, I don't need to dwell on it,
Instead, I simply keep up the internal work of growth and self-care that keeps me
on track.
Recovery takes many forms, so hopefully your wife will find the lasting path that works for her.
It's wonderful you are doing so well Wells!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I have been sober for over three years and I have no desire to drink either. I got sober mostly through reading and getting support here at SR and reading a lot of books and websites about recovery. My belief about recovery is very similar to my beliefs about faith. Just as there are many paths to God, once you truly know that you want recovery, there are many paths to it and there is no "one size fits all." The biggest hurdle is wanting to change and doing whatever you as an individual have to do to get to where the change is now your new way of life. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 2
We don't know what to do...
I am writing to this support group, in hopes that the vast amount of experience and knowledge, could give us any guidance or suggestions. Our family feels like it is on the brink of disaster, because none of us know what the next step should be.
My brother in law is a severe alcoholic. He has a beautiful 15 year old autistic daughter and a wife that has had the patience of Job. Despite 2 DWIs and a 2 year probation of blowing into a breathalyzer every 3 hours, he has not lost his job. He has been in multiple detox hospitals, active in 12 step/AA programs, gone through multiple sponsors, gone to an inpatient treatment center and is more out of control than ever. Upon returning from a Christian inpatient treatment center for 47 days, he got money from his daughters Christmas wallet and was drunk 22 hours after arriving home. We picked him up and put a mattress at his fathers apt. Even there, he has found ways to get drunk. We will not let him have his keys, so he says he will most likely lose his job this week. We don't know what else to do. We are scared he will kill someone if we let him drive. We are all devastated, exhausted and conflicted over what we think we need to do. I would like to tell him that this morning will be his last drink, if he would like to stay living under his fathers roof. We help pay for his dads apt and food. And if he stays sober, I don't mind. But if we let him stay there and keep drinking, aren't we making it POSSIBLE? My husband and sister in law, think we need to give him a few days deadline. And both fear, his dad will allow him to stay there, even if we say he can't unless sober.
I know they are thinking I don't love him as much as they do, because I think the streets is his ONLY chance at deciding to get sober. But we are at wits end. Help!!!!
My brother in law is a severe alcoholic. He has a beautiful 15 year old autistic daughter and a wife that has had the patience of Job. Despite 2 DWIs and a 2 year probation of blowing into a breathalyzer every 3 hours, he has not lost his job. He has been in multiple detox hospitals, active in 12 step/AA programs, gone through multiple sponsors, gone to an inpatient treatment center and is more out of control than ever. Upon returning from a Christian inpatient treatment center for 47 days, he got money from his daughters Christmas wallet and was drunk 22 hours after arriving home. We picked him up and put a mattress at his fathers apt. Even there, he has found ways to get drunk. We will not let him have his keys, so he says he will most likely lose his job this week. We don't know what else to do. We are scared he will kill someone if we let him drive. We are all devastated, exhausted and conflicted over what we think we need to do. I would like to tell him that this morning will be his last drink, if he would like to stay living under his fathers roof. We help pay for his dads apt and food. And if he stays sober, I don't mind. But if we let him stay there and keep drinking, aren't we making it POSSIBLE? My husband and sister in law, think we need to give him a few days deadline. And both fear, his dad will allow him to stay there, even if we say he can't unless sober.
I know they are thinking I don't love him as much as they do, because I think the streets is his ONLY chance at deciding to get sober. But we are at wits end. Help!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome, AB.
Unfortunately, you aren't in a position to be managing everyone's lives. Seems to me it's up to his father whether to allow him to live there, unless his dad is so elderly he can't take care of himself. Al-Anon would be great for you and the other family members. Depending on his daughter's abilities, there is a group called Alateen that might be helpful for her. I take it his wife isn't willing to have him at home? That seems best for her and her daughter.
You might also suggest to his wife that she talk to a lawyer about her legal options. Talking to someone doesn't commit her to anything, but she should know how his behavior might impact her (e.g., if he were to kill someone driving drunk in a car she jointly owns she could be liable; he could drain their joint accounts).
Stick around, and I suggest that you start a new thread for any other posts--you will get more specific guidance that way.
Unfortunately, you aren't in a position to be managing everyone's lives. Seems to me it's up to his father whether to allow him to live there, unless his dad is so elderly he can't take care of himself. Al-Anon would be great for you and the other family members. Depending on his daughter's abilities, there is a group called Alateen that might be helpful for her. I take it his wife isn't willing to have him at home? That seems best for her and her daughter.
You might also suggest to his wife that she talk to a lawyer about her legal options. Talking to someone doesn't commit her to anything, but she should know how his behavior might impact her (e.g., if he were to kill someone driving drunk in a car she jointly owns she could be liable; he could drain their joint accounts).
Stick around, and I suggest that you start a new thread for any other posts--you will get more specific guidance that way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I appreciate what everyone has said here and has added to the thread, especially those of you who have been through your own recovery. I hope some of the words I use help others.
I also appreciate hearing that recovery comes in all shapes and sizes. I have so much hope for her and hope that she can find true recovery this time. I imagine it is one of the hardest things she has ever had to do, but also know she has such wonderful happiness and potential ahead if she can find the path.
Also glad to hear that it's normal to feel hopeful for her. I know she put me through some stressful and sad times when we were together over the years, but time and distance have taught me that it wasn't malicious, and I do feel that there was genuine love there, not just a dysfunctional relationship due to the addiction. Unfortunately, the addiction just had too strong a hold.
AB43 -- LexieCat was very helpful to me, I'd definitely suggest starting a new thread so you can get some attention as a new member as well - Your reply might get a little buried here. Sorry for what you are goin gthrough, but welcome, you are in a good place here.
I also appreciate hearing that recovery comes in all shapes and sizes. I have so much hope for her and hope that she can find true recovery this time. I imagine it is one of the hardest things she has ever had to do, but also know she has such wonderful happiness and potential ahead if she can find the path.
Also glad to hear that it's normal to feel hopeful for her. I know she put me through some stressful and sad times when we were together over the years, but time and distance have taught me that it wasn't malicious, and I do feel that there was genuine love there, not just a dysfunctional relationship due to the addiction. Unfortunately, the addiction just had too strong a hold.
AB43 -- LexieCat was very helpful to me, I'd definitely suggest starting a new thread so you can get some attention as a new member as well - Your reply might get a little buried here. Sorry for what you are goin gthrough, but welcome, you are in a good place here.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
I just wanted to let you know that my AH has also quit smoking and drugs on his own. He is also 30 days no alcohol. Saying that he can do this own his own.
Wanted you to know that I am hoping that she and my AH can quit this like they have everything else.
Hugs to you...stay strong! Positive thoughts.
Wanted you to know that I am hoping that she and my AH can quit this like they have everything else.
Hugs to you...stay strong! Positive thoughts.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Originally Posted by Wells
I guess I remain an enigma here at SR. I know I'm supposed to not want any contact at all or allow her the same for fear of getting back into the fray. I think maybe my ex gets the "rules" and doesn't expect anything. Not once has she ever asked to come back. It's like she doesn't expect there is any right for it to happen. I also know I can't ask her back into my life right now. She's just minutes into a recovery. Hopefully a lasting one.
Also I hope you can check in occasionally. There must be others like you where contact is okay and yours is a great voice to have on the forum.
Thanks again so much for sharing your journey with us.
AB43 Welcome to the forum. It does sound like your family is dealing with a very difficult situation. Unfortunately not something you can fix. Please start another thread as your story really deserves more attention than it will get in Well's thread. (Although Wells is a great person to connect with here so nothing bad about posting here.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
It's interesting to hear how for some, avoiding alcohol becomes second nature after you do it long enough. It's a cheerful thought to think that it's possible, even for alcoholics, problem drinkers, or just people who don't see the benefit of drinking anymore.
It's a trite example, but I have been a fast food junkie over the years and at times, just gotten into these ruts where driving to the McDonalds becomes the norm. The times I've decided to make a conscious effort to not eat McDonalds, it's funny how quickly I actually don't have any desire for it any more, I don't even miss it. I don't crave it, I don't see commercials and want it, I don't see other people eating it and covet it. I may be lucky that way. Then again, when I was eating McDonalds a few times a week, I bet if I saw someone in the office with a happy meal, darn it, I'd want to go grab myself a happy meal too.
Nice to hear that for those with the willpower to break the cycle, that there may eventually even be peace and it won't always be this elephant in the room.
I will update as long as people don't get tired of listening. Sometimes my desire to post is fewer and further between, but when I am inspired, when I stumble, when I succeed, when I wonder, when I dream, when I rise or fall -- I will always be honest with you all!
Thanks for reading too!
It's a trite example, but I have been a fast food junkie over the years and at times, just gotten into these ruts where driving to the McDonalds becomes the norm. The times I've decided to make a conscious effort to not eat McDonalds, it's funny how quickly I actually don't have any desire for it any more, I don't even miss it. I don't crave it, I don't see commercials and want it, I don't see other people eating it and covet it. I may be lucky that way. Then again, when I was eating McDonalds a few times a week, I bet if I saw someone in the office with a happy meal, darn it, I'd want to go grab myself a happy meal too.
Nice to hear that for those with the willpower to break the cycle, that there may eventually even be peace and it won't always be this elephant in the room.
I will update as long as people don't get tired of listening. Sometimes my desire to post is fewer and further between, but when I am inspired, when I stumble, when I succeed, when I wonder, when I dream, when I rise or fall -- I will always be honest with you all!
Thanks for reading too!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 19
Wells, thank-you for the title to your thread! You put something into perspective for me that I needed. I was on the phone with my daughter talking to her about learning where to set the boundaries when I spotted your thread title. You helped me find that fine line I was looking for. There is a big difference between caring ABOUT someone, and caring FOR someone. That's the middle ground that I couldn't seem to find.
There were other elements in your discussion that I could relate to also, but that title was a good starting place!
There were other elements in your discussion that I could relate to also, but that title was a good starting place!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 19
Wells, thank-you for the title to your thread! You put something into perspective for me that I needed. I was on the phone with my daughter talking to her about learning where to set the boundaries when I spotted your thread title. You helped me find that fine line I was looking for. There is a big difference between caring ABOUT someone, and caring FOR someone. That's the middle ground that I couldn't seem to find.
There were other elements in your discussion that I could relate to also, but that title was a good starting place!
There were other elements in your discussion that I could relate to also, but that title was a good starting place!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
No new contacts = no new hurts! How true that is. Take what I'm going through today as a lesson to make sure you avoid it all.
I could have sworn every calendar and connection that we shared as a couple had been removed from my devices. Yet today, two appointments show up on my phone from HER calendar (ugh) for a visit with a personal trainer and a weeklong vacation over the valentine's day weekend. Of course I immediately searched out how to remove all traces from this calendar that I thought was deleted MONTHS ago...but now the damage is done.
Now not only do I have to deal with the thoughts of her in a new relationship which I found out weeks ago, but the fact that she told me she's quitting drinking, and now knowing that she's going to a personal trainer, and taking a long vacation with this brand new person. Then I start to future trip and wonder why she spent months trying to come back, but didn't want to change anything about herself, and decides to change AFTER she meets someone else. And now valentine's day will be even worse! Wonderful.
I'll recover, but today sucks. Be careful everyone. It's getting so hard to go no contact these days even when we try! Ugh.
I could have sworn every calendar and connection that we shared as a couple had been removed from my devices. Yet today, two appointments show up on my phone from HER calendar (ugh) for a visit with a personal trainer and a weeklong vacation over the valentine's day weekend. Of course I immediately searched out how to remove all traces from this calendar that I thought was deleted MONTHS ago...but now the damage is done.
Now not only do I have to deal with the thoughts of her in a new relationship which I found out weeks ago, but the fact that she told me she's quitting drinking, and now knowing that she's going to a personal trainer, and taking a long vacation with this brand new person. Then I start to future trip and wonder why she spent months trying to come back, but didn't want to change anything about herself, and decides to change AFTER she meets someone else. And now valentine's day will be even worse! Wonderful.
I'll recover, but today sucks. Be careful everyone. It's getting so hard to go no contact these days even when we try! Ugh.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by Wells
No new contacts = no new hurts! How true that is. Take what I'm going through today as a lesson to make sure you avoid it all.
I could have sworn every calendar and connection that we shared as a couple had been removed from my devices. Yet today, two appointments show up on my phone from HER calendar (ugh) for a visit with a personal trainer and a weeklong vacation over the valentine's day weekend. Of course I immediately searched out how to remove all traces from this calendar that I thought was deleted MONTHS ago...but now the damage is done.
Now not only do I have to deal with the thoughts of her in a new relationship which I found out weeks ago, but the fact that she told me she's quitting drinking, and now knowing that she's going to a personal trainer, and taking a long vacation with this brand new person. Then I start to future trip and wonder why she spent months trying to come back, but didn't want to change anything about herself, and decides to change AFTER she meets someone else. And now valentine's day will be even worse! Wonderful.
I'll recover, but today sucks. Be careful everyone. It's getting so hard to go no contact these days even when we try! Ugh.
I could have sworn every calendar and connection that we shared as a couple had been removed from my devices. Yet today, two appointments show up on my phone from HER calendar (ugh) for a visit with a personal trainer and a weeklong vacation over the valentine's day weekend. Of course I immediately searched out how to remove all traces from this calendar that I thought was deleted MONTHS ago...but now the damage is done.
Now not only do I have to deal with the thoughts of her in a new relationship which I found out weeks ago, but the fact that she told me she's quitting drinking, and now knowing that she's going to a personal trainer, and taking a long vacation with this brand new person. Then I start to future trip and wonder why she spent months trying to come back, but didn't want to change anything about herself, and decides to change AFTER she meets someone else. And now valentine's day will be even worse! Wonderful.
I'll recover, but today sucks. Be careful everyone. It's getting so hard to go no contact these days even when we try! Ugh.
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