New poster here, but longtime lurker
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2
New poster here, but longtime lurker
Hi everyone. I just registered today, but I have been lurking on these forums for nearly 3 years. Everything that I have read has helped me a lot. In the time I have been a lurker, I have separated from my AW, started to clear my head, but reconciled 6 months later and let the roller coaster ride continue. We have been married almost 10 years, and have no children together, but each have an older child from previous relationships.
My AW has been a heavy drinker our entire relationship. Gas lighting is the norm, along with the typical blame game. She gets drunk every chance that she gets. I have tried to "keep the peace" by not engaging when she is ranting, but that only builds up my resentment for her. When I have tried to have serious talks about how I am affected by the alcohol abuse, I hear from her that I am selfish and only care about myself. I have also been identified as the cause of the alcohol abuse.
I know that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. I feel so helpless and so worn down. I lover her and want her to get help, but, I see that has to be her choice. I want to leave again, but I can't bring myself to do it this time.
Thanks for listening.
My AW has been a heavy drinker our entire relationship. Gas lighting is the norm, along with the typical blame game. She gets drunk every chance that she gets. I have tried to "keep the peace" by not engaging when she is ranting, but that only builds up my resentment for her. When I have tried to have serious talks about how I am affected by the alcohol abuse, I hear from her that I am selfish and only care about myself. I have also been identified as the cause of the alcohol abuse.
I know that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. I feel so helpless and so worn down. I lover her and want her to get help, but, I see that has to be her choice. I want to leave again, but I can't bring myself to do it this time.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi wontbeme, and welcome. I'm glad you decided to start posting. In my experience, it really helps to express how you're feeling and to hear from others in similar boats, as well as those who have figured out a way to shore.
One of the big realities you probably already know from lurking, right? The only life we can change is our own. For me, once I focused on that and stopped trying to figure out how to change my STBXAH, I was able so see what I needed to do. I visualized it, and I did it. It's not easy to make a change, but at a certain point staying stuck is even harder.
Welcome, and keep posting. It really helps. There is a lot of experience and wisdom here.
One of the big realities you probably already know from lurking, right? The only life we can change is our own. For me, once I focused on that and stopped trying to figure out how to change my STBXAH, I was able so see what I needed to do. I visualized it, and I did it. It's not easy to make a change, but at a certain point staying stuck is even harder.
Welcome, and keep posting. It really helps. There is a lot of experience and wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Welcome...sorry that you had to find this forum, but there is a bunch of great people on here that can help. Read the stickys...there is a lot of great information in there.
Just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. Hard to watch someone you love destroy everything for a drink.
Keep posting and reading. Sending you hugs!
Just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. Hard to watch someone you love destroy everything for a drink.
Keep posting and reading. Sending you hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Sorry you had to come here, but glad you found us.
The one big thing I learned the more I stayed here is that I wasn't alone, and that was the first step towards many more steps on the journey through this. It is a heartbreaking situation that you are in, but there is knowledge, wisdom, support, and care to be had here.
Read, post, share, and know that all of the answers will not come instantly, but WILL come, and the fact that you are here shows that you are ready to start on a path to your own recovery from this difficult situation.
Hope to hear more from you. Let us know how you are doing or how we can help.
The one big thing I learned the more I stayed here is that I wasn't alone, and that was the first step towards many more steps on the journey through this. It is a heartbreaking situation that you are in, but there is knowledge, wisdom, support, and care to be had here.
Read, post, share, and know that all of the answers will not come instantly, but WILL come, and the fact that you are here shows that you are ready to start on a path to your own recovery from this difficult situation.
Hope to hear more from you. Let us know how you are doing or how we can help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you all that took the time to respond. It really means a lot to know that everyone here understands what I am going through.
I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's? I am never sure where my AW's real thoughts come from; when sober, she is the sweetest person with never a bad thing to say about anyone and loves everyone, but, after a few drinks, she compares everyone else to the devil, and portrays herself as a saint.
It is maddening.
I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's? I am never sure where my AW's real thoughts come from; when sober, she is the sweetest person with never a bad thing to say about anyone and loves everyone, but, after a few drinks, she compares everyone else to the devil, and portrays herself as a saint.
It is maddening.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Pull the plug. Let her know if she wants to find recovery, you'll help her, but otherwise she's on her own. There's just no need for you to have to live in the insanity and chaos that is someone else's alcoholism. Love isn't enough to make her quit drinking. Most times only consequences can do that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
It is maddening, to see two sides of a person and know that the chemical is always present when the bad stuff comes out.
I wrestled for a while to know if the truth was what came out when the alcohol was in the system, and the falsehood was when she was sober, but there really isn't a clear answer to this, and it usually is a mixture of both. Since alcohol breaks down inhibitions, things are done and said that may never have been said sober, but just because they are said, doesn't mean they were intended or even meant or felt. It is just the alcohol breaking down a barrier that most of us never even consider exposing.
All that said, the bottom line is how her behavior affects you and makes you feel, and making sure she is aware of that. If she continues this behavior knowing the negative ways it is hurting and affecting you, you have to make a choice on what YOU want for yourself and your life.
It's a tough spot man, I've been there. Keep posting and we will help.
I wrestled for a while to know if the truth was what came out when the alcohol was in the system, and the falsehood was when she was sober, but there really isn't a clear answer to this, and it usually is a mixture of both. Since alcohol breaks down inhibitions, things are done and said that may never have been said sober, but just because they are said, doesn't mean they were intended or even meant or felt. It is just the alcohol breaking down a barrier that most of us never even consider exposing.
All that said, the bottom line is how her behavior affects you and makes you feel, and making sure she is aware of that. If she continues this behavior knowing the negative ways it is hurting and affecting you, you have to make a choice on what YOU want for yourself and your life.
It's a tough spot man, I've been there. Keep posting and we will help.
Thank you all that took the time to respond. It really means a lot to know that everyone here understands what I am going through.
I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's? I am never sure where my AW's real thoughts come from; when sober, she is the sweetest person with never a bad thing to say about anyone and loves everyone, but, after a few drinks, she compares everyone else to the devil, and portrays herself as a saint.
It is maddening.
I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's? I am never sure where my AW's real thoughts come from; when sober, she is the sweetest person with never a bad thing to say about anyone and loves everyone, but, after a few drinks, she compares everyone else to the devil, and portrays herself as a saint.
It is maddening.
Yes, we tried telling her and Dad. It had no affect whatever, we were just accused of being killjoys.
If your AW won't stop drinking you have to accept this is part of your marriage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Thank you all that took the time to respond. It really means a lot to know that everyone here understands what I am going through.
I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's? I am never sure where my AW's real thoughts come from; when sober, she is the sweetest person with never a bad thing to say about anyone and loves everyone, but, after a few drinks, she compares everyone else to the devil, and portrays herself as a saint.
It is maddening.
I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's? I am never sure where my AW's real thoughts come from; when sober, she is the sweetest person with never a bad thing to say about anyone and loves everyone, but, after a few drinks, she compares everyone else to the devil, and portrays herself as a saint.
It is maddening.
I finally realized that that was all wasted time. I started focusing on the behavior (drinking and meanness) and now I'm letting him address the rest - - - if he chooses to. It broke my heart when I realized he was gone, and I waited too long to put a stop to his bad behavior of me. I wish I had found SR sooner, but I was trying to "help" him. Oh brother. I just made the mess worse.
I am curious...does everyone have to deal with the Jeckyll/Hyde behaviour with their SO's?
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